There are about a thousand ways I can approach todays blog topic, because it brings up some observations about me, my personality and my relationships. When I figure out how to discuss it, you guys will be the first to know.
I am a fairly organized, type A sort of person. I know- I just revealed a fact you did not know. The majority of my friends are like me: we plan things months in advance, we deal with lists and our planners are never far from us. I have one friend who is not a planner, but she understands my not so laissez faire attitude, so she adjusts a little for me (the very definition of good friend). I surround myself with like minded people. And lets face it- I live in a city not really known for its laid back attitude. There’s a whole bunch of people here just like me, and actually, much more organized than I am. Ok- so here’s point 1.
My Husband is somewhat type A like me- he likes things organized and planned out. However, he is not actually a planner. He hates the actual task of organizing. He continually double books himself because he makes plans and either doesn’t write them down, or doesn’t check his calendar before he makes new plans. ( I have many fun and interesting stories about having to play plan Jenga after he’s successfully booked us/him at four different things on the same night) Now, since my Husband is technically type A-, his friends are a little more varied: he has friends that are total planners, and friends that just go were the mood takes them, who live life with a devil may care attitude.
This past month, this cause some problems. We made plans with a couple, S and R, a month ago. They wanted to do something fun, I suggested a Motown Revue at a club, they agreed. I bought tickets. A month ago.
Two days before the event, S calls my Husband and says, “Wouldn’t it be fun to go to a comedy show at X?” Which would be great if A) I hadn’t already bought tickets for the music revue, and B) the comedy show wasn’t sold out already, cause everything in this city sells out in advance. (side note- if a New Yorker is walking down the street and sees a long line, the New Yorker will often just join the line because they assume whatever it is is worth waiting for. That’s how we found the absolute best cream puffs ten years ago).
I was irrationally angry that S wanted to change plans right before game day. My feeling is, if you want to go to comedy, just say that in the beginning. A type like me sees that behavior as passive aggressive, whether or not it actually is.
We had a similar situation with R. R was throwing a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. He gave us the date a month in advance. No problem. I blocked it out in my calendar. Problem was, until two days before the party, we didn’t know where, or what time the party was. This was after my Husband texted the guy at least six times. When he finally got back to us, we realized the party was not in Manhattan- we would need to take a railroad. Which runs on a schedule. Meaning to be there for the “Surprise” we would have to be on a certain time train. Which conflicted with afternoon plans that I had.
Now I figured out how to make all the plans work- I did the whole arrange the puzzle pieces thing. And on Saturday morning, the day of the party, we get a Facebook invitation. R is having a SECOND party for his girlfriend, and it’s DOWN THE BLOCK from our apartment.
I was not happy.
Of course, it took 30 seconds for me to realize I have something else to do the night of the 2nd party. It took my Husband 20 minutes to figure out he had something the same night as well.
But, we figure it out, you know, putting all of our brain power into it- cancel Saturday, figure out how to work in 2nd party, etc.
So tonight is the night of the second party. I also have a meeting tonight that I need to go to. When I told two of my friends that I was going to race out of the meeting as soon as it’s adjourned, one of my friends said
“You shouldn’t go to the party. Tell your husband there’s no need to go cause it’s not your friend. Why should you go to the party anyway? You already have plans. You knew about this meeting.”
I told her that this was something I had to fit in, etc, and she argued why I didn’t need to go, etc., and though she made valid points, I knew I had to fit in both.
And this brings me to the next conundrum:
What’s the line for what events you should attend with your spouse?
I am really independent, and I give my husband a really long leash. He goes on ski weekends without me, yearly guys trips, and attends many parties without me. (for the record, I hate large gatherings. i hate introducing myself. I hate small talk) I am most definitely not the tag along spouse.
I think there are some events I must attend. This not so great planning guy is actually one of my Husband’s closest friends. I often see him socially. This is a party I would feel bad about not attending because the friend is a good guy. I had to figure out how to make this work.
So, in my longest and most convoluted post ever, here’s the questions:
- Can planners and non planners be friends?
- Do you need to attend every event as a couple?
- Do you need to book things a month in advance?
Thanks for listening to this weeks dilemma!!