My Husband and I were invited to a surprise birthday party a few weeks ago.  I wrote about being annoyed because of the way the party was organized, but that’s a whole different issue.  Today I’m going to talk about the actual party.

The party was at a bar/arcade thing here in the city.  I knew I was going to be late because I had to attend a college meeting at the High School.

So anyway.

I walk in the door of the place about eight, whereas everyone else had been there since about six. (the not so hidden meaning is that I was completely sober, while others, to varying degrees, not so much)  After having to find my ID in my wallet and show it to the bouncer young enough to be my grandson, I entered the place and looked for the crowd.  Now, the birthday girl is the girlfriend of one of my Husband’s friends, which translates to, I knew a bunch of the men there.  When I found the group, I kissed the cheeks of the guys I knew, including my Husband.  I hugged the birthday girl and put my coat on the designated coat bench.  I then rejoined my Husband who was playing a four person Pac Man table.  Side note:  if you grew up in the eighties and have not played Pac Man literally against your friends, you must do it- it’s hysterical.  You not only chase the ghosts, you chase your friends.

But anyway.

When I got to the table, Husband moved away so I could play his spot at the table. and he stood behind me, telling me the rules of this version.  The woman across the table slurred out “Hey.  Why’s he helping her?  Why is he talking to her?  Where did se come from?”  Apparently, she had claimed my Husband.  She was wondering why I was coming between them.  And she was mad about it.  She was competing with me for my Husband.  It was amusing, cause she resembled a monkey squawking, and annoying, because she resembled a monkey squawking.  I mean she was loud and screechy.  We played another round of table Pac Man, and then my Husband, guy friend P and I went around the arcade in search of other versions of 80’s nostalgia.  Galaga and Centipede, FYI.  I am not particularly dexterous at video games.  I like the ones where each hand only controls one thing- anything more than that is too much.

After a round of games, we came back to where the group was hanging.  As I went to get a slider from the food platter, the howler monkey tried to attach herself to my Husband.  On a side note- have you ever watched a slightly inebriated older person try to hit on a guy who has no interest?  I think it should be videoed and showed to woman above the age of 45.  I know- I’m throwing women under the bus.  But consider this a PSA:

Picture this:  Woman of about 55,  attractive and obvious she takes care of herself.  But, here’s where we begin to see the chink in the armor.  While her clothes fit her body, they really don’t fit an older woman.  OK- begin the round of complaints- everyone should be able to wear whatever they want- God knows you all would think I dress too young too- but here’s the thing:  some clothes should be left to teenagers.  Wearing the same styles as a woman in her twenties does not make you look twenty.  Depending on the look, these clothes may actually make you look older.  Certain materials are not as forgiving to a woman with a more mature body, no matter what the body looks like.  You can’t turn back the clock.

I came and joined the group, watching this woman try to make inane chatter to my Husband.  Even though I was opposite him in the circle, she maneuvered her body so that she was facing him with her butt to me. (hence my comment about some fabrics being more forgiving than others)  She was separating him from me.  (Also, for the record, Husband is not a George Clooney look alike.  He is an average 49 year old guy with a Dad bod, but still has a full head of hair.

The problem was, this woman had an air of desperation.  If you want to meet a guy for a relationship, this is not the right route.  If you want to meet a guy for sex, this is probably fine, but don’t expect the guy to be their in the morning.  Or the phone number he gave you to be real.

No one likes desperate.

Desperate is an unattractive quality.

Another conversational circle involved me and my Husband standing next to one another.  She actually came and  stood between us.

Now why didn’t I say to her that I was his wife?  Well, first off, this was pretty amusing.  (remember, I’m still sober).  And secondly, she ignored me every time I tried to talk to her.  As in, turned her head.

After about an hour, someone clued her in to who I was in relation to my Husband.

Then she tried to be nice.  Then she started sucking up.

“Oh.  He’s so good at Pac man.  Does he play at home?”  This is a direct quote- you can’t make this up.

“He just wins at everything, doesn’t he?” she said.  Another memorable line for the ages.

Of course, this was my turn to have fun.  I gave her a look that pretty much summed up how I feel about woman who try to push other woman out of the way in order to get the attention of a man.

So is there a moral?   No, not really.  I thought it was an interesting story.  i thought it was a more interesting fable about women who are trying to hard to be in a relationship.  I get it.  Single can suck.  I know I have what some would refer to as an advantage: I’m in a relationship.

But really:

Nothing is worth making yourself into a conniving idiot.  If you need to stand in  front of another woman to get a guys attention, or loudly ask why he’s talking to someone else, you need to rethink your game plan.  Do you think these are qualities anyone wants in a partner?  There’s nothing wrong with being assertive and going after what you want- but it’s how you do it that matters.

Just like with anything: it’s the path that matters.  The way you choose to live your life and attain your goals matters.  Respect yourself and respect others.  Without respect we have nothing.