Posted on by LA · 71 Comments

Why You Should Plan Better

A few months ago, I asked my husband what he was doing on a night about six weeks in the future. My husband said he was free. I said do you want to go to X on that day 17? He said sure. I bought tickets.

About two weeks before the event, my husband says-

“K just sent a reminder about doing something on day 17. We made these plans six months ago and I totally forgot.”

I looked at him quizzically, opened up my calendar, and said- You know that’s the day we are supposed to do X…

He stops, realizes his error, and says “I’ll call K to cancel.”

But on the road to cancelling, my husband finds out that out of the six people who were supposed to do something on that night, four people had already bailed. The only people left going were my husband and the organizer.

At this point I felt horrible. My husband had made these other plans way before I asked him to go to X. I knew the organizer of the other event really wanted to do this thing, and I couldn’t let my husband bail out on that. I told him to go to the event with K, and that I would find someone else to come to X with me.

Here are some discussion points:

  1. Should my husband do a better job of noting his plans? (he always double books things btw)
  2. Should my husband have cancelled the plans with the other person?
  3. Was I right by letting my husband out of his plans with me?
  4. Anything else?

What would you have done in this situation?

Have you ever double booked something and not been sure what to do? If so how did you handle it?

Pick anything you want and discuss!

Posted on by LA · 36 Comments

Believe

As a child, when your Mother believes in you, you believe in yourself, and when that happens, there is nothing you can’t do. As a Mother, that is the greatest gift we can give to a child

Caroline Kennedy- She Walks in Beauty: A Woman’s Journey Through Poems

The holiday season has just left us. You’ve recycled the environmentally friendly wrapping, or put away the gift bags to be used next year. The credit card bills haven’t quite hit the mailbox yet. But the gifts have been given. The physical show of love has been exchanged…

I’m all for gifts. I still remember when my daughter was seven and she received the Hannah Montana Malibu Beach House, the years of the American Girl stuff…This year the highlight was tickets to see Funny Girl on Broadway. To be clear, I like the idea of giving gifts. I think it’s OK to want something tangible, or an awesome experience.

However…

Even though I have given my daughter a lot of physical things…

The greatest gift I ever gave her was the that I believed in her- that I thought she was strong and capable and had the ability to set a goal and work towards it. I taught her that it’s is OK to make a mistake, to fail. I taught her that the greatest asset you can have is resilience…

Physical gifts are wonderful, but they won’t make you a better person. Buying something doesn’t give you confidence. Owning something doesn’t make you stronger. The things that really matter are the things that reside in your head and heart: confidence and determination and a thirst for knowledge. These are the things that a parent or primary caregiver can give a child.

So next time you’re with you’re kid, remind them that you think they are special. Give them the courage to try something new. Be there to pick them up when they fall, but then push them to try again. These are the best gifts to give a child- the gift of you believing in them.

Posted on by LA · 79 Comments

Look at Love

Over the summer my daughter got me hooked on this awful reality dating show. I openly admit it quickly became a guilty pleasure.

The show was called “Are You the One”. The premise was that there’s a group of twenty something’s, in the case of the season that I watched there were equal numbers of women and men, and I think there were about 14 in total. Before coming on the show, the contestants were subject to personality tests and interviews, and their friends and families were interviewed. After review, each contestant was said to have a perfect match that would be in the house/on the show with them. The trick was to figure out who your perfect match was.

Cheesy. Tawdry. Ridiculous. A way for people to just sleep around in the hope that they spot their person.

I was all in for the ride.

So once you get past the drama and the craziness of a house filled with horny, attractive people, you get down to the concept of a computer finding your perfect match. And I had to wonder: should there be a computer generated dating show for people that are older?

When you’re young and looking for love, you may have unreal expectations as to what your ideal partner would be. But when you’ve been around the block a few times, you get down to knowing what does and doesn’t matter. You’ve made the mistakes, you’ve paid for the mistakes, and in many cases you’ve returned the mistakes. Would an older person be more ready to accept what the computer says is the ideal person for you?

Should we trust the science when it comes to relationships?

Does a computer know best who our person should be?

What do you think of computer generated matches for compatibility? Do you think a computer would be better at finding a mate than a person looking across a crowded room and seeing someone?

Discuss:

Posted on by LA · 52 Comments

Devotion

Nothing is so boring as devotion Hercule Poirot’s Christmas Agatha Christie

I remember Grease– I remember that Sandy being devoted to Danny really didn’t do anyone any good- Danny didn’t become intrigued till Sandy had dated the jock and went all leather no lace.

So…

What do you think about when you think devotion?

If someone says they are devoted to you, do you think:

  1. Aww shucks how sweet
  2. Hmmm- this level of devotion- is this a true crime podcast about to happen?
  3. all this fawning is getting a little- yawn- boring
  4. I’m the luckiest person alive

What does devotion really mean? Does it mean that they will follow you without question? That they worship you? That they will spend their life trying to make your life better?

I can’t help it. I think there’s something a little creepy about one saying to another that they’re devoted. It almost goes over the top for me- do I want someone who just follows my lead without question? Or do I want someone who challenges me when I say something inane?

“Challenges me” for 100 Alex…

Don’t get me wrong- there are times when what I say makes logical sense and is clearly the more correct path and I want my Husband to listen to me and follow my guide…But…when I’m acting like a less than rational person, I need someone to reel me in…

Utter devotion is a very bad road to walk down…

Do I want my husband to have my back? Yes- unless I’ve been completely out of line…

Do I have my daughter’s back? Yes- unless she is doing something that is very damaging to herself or another.

Am I devoted to my closest friends? Yes- they can count on me right up until they hand me the shovel – I’m hoping I talk them out of it before there are bodies to bury…

Pick any aspect of this post and discuss away. I want to know what devotion means to you.

Posted on by LA · 76 Comments

What if you Don’t

Have you ever heard anyone say that you should see your parents often as they age, because one day you’ll regret that you didn’t?

Let’s think about that for a moment:

I understand regret that we should have done something, seen someone more. I think as humans we often wish we had done things differently. I think it’s sort of natural to become wistful and begin with the “Oh if only” dance…

But should everyone see their parents more as they get older?

Or are some relationships meant to be kept at a distance? Are some relationships meant to be a once a month or season kind of thing?

First, let’s look at how you remember someone:

If a parent has gotten cranky, how much time do you want to spend with them? Do you want to make weekly visits to someone who complains about literally everything? Is this the lasting memory that you want?

How about the parent who has lost some of their mental capabilities. Again, how often can you sit with a person who does not remember who you are before it takes a toll on you? Do you want your lasting memories to be of someone who was confused and befuddled more often than not?

Next, let’s think about the level of relationship that you had with the parent. While some people have wonderful relationships with their parents, others don’t. There’s a lot of disfunction on families. Like it or not, some people might not really miss a parent when they are gone because there was so much bad between them, there’s not really anything good to miss.

How often you do, or don’t, see parents as they age is a very personal decision. I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer to this question. What brings closure or solace to one person might not be the same way for another. We are all individuals and handle things differently, so I don’t know if we should ever tell someone what to do in this situation. I think we should stop laying guilt trips on people about things they might not feel guilty about. If someone is dealing with a situation, is it right to add more junk to the ever growing pile of doubts and decisions and what should I do’s?

What is good for one person might not be good for another. Give people the benefit of the doubt that they may know how to handle a situation in the best way possible for them.

Posted on by LA · 87 Comments

You’re Beautiful

The world has evolved into a place where we all claim to respect the inner person…a world where we eschew ones’ physical appearance…where beauty doesn’t matter…

But let’s face it: Looks matter. Appearances matter. Beauty matters. And I don’t know anyone, male or female, young or old, who doesn’t want to be thought of as attractive.

So now that I’ve made this mornings controversial statement…

I’ll hit you with another:

I tell my daughter repeatedly that she is beautiful. Pretty much every day that I speak to her.

I know I am going against popular theory. I don’t care if I’m setting womankind back a thousand years. I just don’t care. I think people need to be told they are attractive by the people that love them. Because let’s face it- how many people worry that they are unattractive? There are entire industries that rely on being able to take advantage of people’s insecurities about their physical attractiveness… So this whole looks don’t matter thing we keep espousing clearly isn’t really working…

Sorry to say this, but kids who think they are physically less than are going to have confidence issues. They are going to think of ways to get people to like them because they don’t think that they are good enough. These little chasms of feeling less than are when the propensity to make not so great decisions creeps in… Kids make enough questionable choices- do we need to give them ammunition to make more?

Tell your kids they are attractive.

Tell your kids they are smart.

Tell your kids they are talented.

Tell your kids that they are special.

If you tell them enough times, they just might believe it. And when they believe that they are all these things, then physical appearance really doesn’t matter- because they become confident from the inside. And when kids feel that they are worthy…all sorts of doors open up.

Posted on by LA · 67 Comments

Reflect it Back

Picture this:

You’re sitting in a delightful, independently owned coffee/tea shop. You have a lovely English Breakfast in front of you, your friend joins you with a mocha java. You are friends even thought she prefers coffee to tea…

Outside of your beverage differences, you like this person. You enjoy the conversations about books and movies. You also talk about real life things.

After book chat, your friend starts to complain about her husband. She tells you her point of view about what transpired the night before. As you are listening, you begin to wonder about what the husband was thinking. You wish you could hear both points of view, because you think the husband may have had a valid point, and that your friend might be the one in the wrong.

Do you point out to your friend that her thinking might be a little off? Do you role play the husband’s perspective? Do you force her to look at the other side of the coin?

Or

Do you just sit silently and nod in agreement as to what your friend is saying?

I understand both sides of this: I get that sometimes a friends just needs to vent. I also get that sometimes the friend is just plain wrong about something and needs to see it from another light.

What do you do?

What makes the determination of how you respond to your friend in situations like this?

Discuss

Posted on by LA · 73 Comments

Memories

The Book: Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty

The Quote: What was the actual benefit of accuracy when it comes to memories?

Did you ever here that old ditty “I remember it well?”. It’s basically a song about two people who have very different recollection of the last time they met…

Does it matter if our memories are accurate?

or

Is there no such thing as an accurate memory because each individual takes something from a moment that is unique because our perception is our reality?

The other day I was talking to my Husband about something. I related a story from years past- I reminded him of something he did to piss me off (I didn’t just dredge this up- it was germane to a discussion we were having at that moment and I was using it to prove a point- my anecdotal evidence so to speak).

He could not remember the story of which I spoke.

Not one shred of memory.

He did something that irked me so much that I know we had words about it (for the record it was a battle that I wanted to fight).

And he said he never did such a thing.

To be fair, his not remembering pissed me off more than the original transgression did. Because I remember it well…

At least I think I remember it well…

How much does my remembering something that my husband swears never happened matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, this was something he did that hurt me emotionally- where I thought he violated my trust. And I never wanted him to do it again.

But if he doesn’t even remember doing it?

Should I be mad that he doesn’t have the same memory of the event that I have?

How do you proceed if people have different memories of an event?

Should you try not to bring up things from the past, because they just don’t matter?

I know….so many questions…

Pick one or two or all and share your thoughts:

Posted on by LA · 73 Comments

Step Away

The Book- Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty

The Quote- That was the secret of a happy marriage: step away from the rage.

Is the secret to a happy marriage to simply take a step back sometimes?

When my daughter was home for break my Husband did/said something stupid. My daughter asked why I didn’t say something to him. I replied:

“In marriage, as in parenting, sometimes you need to take a step back from the stupid. You have to choose your battles, and decide if the battle is the one to take a stand on.”

First off- which quote is better- mine or the one from the book?

Secondly, is the secret to life not 42, but is it really just stepping back?

The people we are closest to are going to annoy us at least once a day. No two people get along perfectly 24/7/365- I know this for a fact because we just had a situation where people were together 24/7/365, and there was a lot of anger and sadness or for the sake of this piece, rage…

Do we need to harp on them every time they don’t load the dishwasher correctly, or they leave their shoes in the hallway? Annoyed because they are wearing an old concert T shirt that is 20 years old and has no arm pits anymore? Disgruntled because they don’t want to watch the same TV show?

If you have a partner, or a child living with you, how often do you point out their mistakes? Or what are mistakes in your eyes?

For homework, I want you to count how many times you nag your partner/child and why.

How many of these things are life threatening? How many of these things needed to be mentioned, and how many of them could have been stepped away from?

Do you step away more than you engage? How does it work for you?

Discuss.

Posted on by LA · 94 Comments

Safety

A few months ago I wrote a post about how I didn’t want my daughter to arrive at Union Station DC in the middle of the night because I thought it was unsafe. Many thought that as my daughter is “an adult” I shouldn’t say that to her. My retort was simple: If I had a friend who planned on arriving in a train station in the middle of the night, I would tell them not to take that train either. Which then lead to people saying- “You would never tell another person that. You would let them do what they wanted.”

So…

Do you tell your friends when you think they are doing something that is unsafe?

I have a really good friend who tells me how unsafe NYC is. The subways. The streets. The crime. And to be fair, my friend has statistics on their side: NYC is much less safe than if was pre-COVID. There was a point where our murder rate was up 86%. While crime has slowly started to come down, I see the difference- these mean streets really are meaner. Sometime in April you’re going to read about some mass transit experiences that I had recently…

But anyway…

Does my friend have a right to tell me to watch my back?

Don’t you want the people you love/care about to be safe?

What is the line between what you can and can’t tell friends?

When I go out with friends, we text one another when we get home. It’s just what we do. I make sure that my friends make it into their homes and are safely behind locked doors. Period. And this includes my friend M who I share theater tickets with and we go to matinees and she lives in Westchester. She texts me an hour and a half later when she is firmly ensconced in suburbia.

Because this is what we do. Is it because we’re women? Is it because we know what crime is like? Is it because we care about one another? Does it matter?

So where do you stand on safety and your friends?

Discuss