I don’t even know where to begin this post, or even what I am going to actually write about. Consider this my least thought out post ever (and that’s in a world where I never actually think about what I’m writing till it’s on the page)
I am a pragmatic person. I am more emotionless than emotionfull. I usually see what’s in front of me and I put one foot in front of the other and I march on…
Obviously the past year and a half has thrown a big wrench in my carefully orchestrated thought process.
I remained pragmatic, but I began to let my emotions take center stage…My head and heart have been battling mightily this pandemic season…I was not the same OCD like person that I always was. I became a new and different version of this sort of crazy person…
I think I always appeared to be a somewhat strong person. I rarely ask for help. I just push on and get things done.
But the thing is, are strong people the ones who don’t ask for help?
Or are strong people the ones that DO ask for help?
All I know is that I asked my family (meaning my Husband and Daughter) to cut me some slack.
Because I have always been the person who doesn’t ask for help. I have always just done what needed to be done.
And they had absolutely no idea how to help me. They only had the wherewithal to continue to ask me to help them. They didn’t actually think I needed any slack.
They assumed that I could continue to carry everything.
And I did.
I got up every morning.
I did what needed to be done.
But I saw myself becoming more insular. I started to shut myself off from everyone around me. I needed to take care of myself and I realized that o one else was ever going to help me. Scratch that. I realized my immediate family had absolutely not idea how to help me, even when I asked for it.
I’ve spent a lot of the past few months, since my ER visit, trying to show them that I am a vulnerable person. That sometimes I can’t bare the weight of everything.
They don’t like it so much.
Is there a moral to this long and whining tale?
I don’t know if I would have done anything differently if I had a time machine…I don’t think I would have changed my personality so that my family wouldn’t take me for granted…
But I do wish I had made them see that I was 150% human…and fallible…and scared…and all the emotions that I pretend I don’t have…
And as I write these words my Husband says he “needs me for 5 minutes just to make sure he has everything he needs…”
And I still wonder when anyone will ask what I need…
Thank you for listening…I needed to write and publish