Posted on by LA · 75 Comments

Is Lying on a Dating App the Norm

Back in October I wrote a post: https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2022/10/06/look-at-love/

At some point in the conversation, Leslie and I discussed lying on dating apps:

  1. Does everyone lie on a dating app?
  2. Is it OK to lie on a dating app?
  3. If it’s OK to lie on a dating app, are there parameters?

I have never used a dating app. I met my husband playing tennis. He was roommates with my doubles partner. There was no match or bumble or whatever, so I have no knowledge of how dating apps work…

However…

It would appear that this is the way many people meet their partners. As I’ve never done it, I can’t really talk about the experience, though from what I’ve heard, I don’t know how much I would have liked it…But if people like it and it works, then have at it…

The biggest criticism I’ve heard about dating apps is the license that one takes when filling out their profile…

  1. Pictures that are old
  2. Overly generous of one’s height or under generous of one’s weight
  3. whether they are married or separated
  4. being vague about their age
  5. skirting around drinking, drugs or smoking

But the other side of the coin is that IF you tell the truth about certain things, will anyone swipe right…

Like, if you are a woman who is fifteen pounds overweight, is hovering around age 60, and likes a cocktail or three at night, how do you display yourself?

Do you write:

Overweight fan of Jack Daniels who was alive when Kennedy was president…

or do you say:

Full bodied woman who likes a full bodied drink and appreciates things that are aged well

or

Size 8 Gen Xer looking for someone who appreciates a glass of wine with dinner

Ignoring my ineptitude at writing these…

Which one gets a date? The flat-out honest one, the one that embellished, or the one that pretty much lied? Why?

In a world of five second attention spans and Instagram perfect lives, can we actually be honest on a dating app? Or do all profiles have a bit of bait and switch?

Just for fun, write yourself a dating app (to be clear this is a writing exercise, not an invitation to enter the world of online dating) and if you have a partner, write their dating app.

I’ll wait…

OK- how much truth stretching is there? Are you brutally honest? Did you represent yourself as you are?

more importantly:

Do you think anyone is messaging you based on the description?

If you were to include a picture, would you use one that was taken just as you got out of bed, or would you use the one at someone’s wedding where you were in spiffy clothes and you were looking relaxed and attractive? In short- would you use a photo of what you can look like instead of how you do look?

Is the world of online dating a big wall of deception?

Does it need to be a big wall of deception?

Discuss:

Posted on by LA · 41 Comments

Mash-Up

Today’s post is sort of a mash up of ideas taken from the past few posts: sometimes I do that- compile all that I’ve been tossing about in my brain and sort of bake up an idea.

Let’s look at two themes: looking slowly and luxury.

Is it a luxury to look at things slowly? To take the time necessary to look at something?

Have we stopped paying attention because time is a luxury we often can’t afford?

Do we think our time is better spent doing other things?

My Husband is away on a ski trip. Yesterday I walked the dog, went to the gym, the farmers market and the Botanic Garden. I did some kitchen reorganizing (which I’m unsure about so I may be re organizing the reorg) I was done with this by about 3pm. I spent the rest of the night binging some fashion design show on Netflix (the one with Tan France- I don’t remember the name) and working on a jigsaw puzzle.

Have you ever done a puzzle?

They take time.

I worked on the puzzle for about five hours off and on (as I write I’m not even close to done)

While there were clearly other things I could have done, it was really nice to just work on this puzzle- study the colors and the shapes and the scenes- look at it, feel the pieces, figure out what went where…

I allowed myself the time to do this…

I allowed myself the time to just do something for the sake of doing it…

I allowed my brain to luxuriate it two activities that are not really productive at all- but made my mind and body go ahhhhh…(ok maybe not my lower back because bending over the puzzle was a little wonky- but you get the idea)

When was the last time you gave yourself the luxury of time? Is it free, or do you think the long term cost is too much?

Is time a luxury you think you can’t afford?

Discuss

Posted on by LA · 49 Comments

Little Luxuries

I had a craving for ramen.

I went to the ramen place a few blocks from my house, sat at the counter, and ordered a bowl of ramen.

I’ve written about this matter of factly- but in matter of fact, I rarely go out to a sit down restaurant by myself in the middle of the week and order a meal.

I don’t have a phobia about eating/doing things by myself. I love food and restaurants. But I almost never go out to a sit down meal by myself. Sure, I’ve grabbed fast casual when I’ve been out and about, but waiter service? Rarely.

I guess I think of waiter service food as a treat- it’s something to be savored as a meal rather than merely sustenance. Which I guess makes the real question…

Why do I not want to treat myself?

We could go into the whole mother/wife/woman mindset- how many of us will give our families the best of us and leave the crumbs to ourselves…

We could ponder why I don’t think I deserve this…

Or…

I could just be thankful on the day I craved ramen I just went out and got myself some. That on that particular day, I didn’t overthink, I didn’t question myself or sociological constructs, I just took my e reader out to lunch, and enjoyed a spicy bowl of tonkatsu, no nuri or egg, with curly noodles.

Try not to think about what others expect of you: try to think about what you expect of you.

Sometimes we have to allow ourselves some little luxuries.

Posted on by LA · 55 Comments

Ten Things: 2/4/23

In the evenings, I write down ten random things from my day. They can be happy or sad, trivial or important, gratitude or anger. I find it helps me to remember the little things that matter, and get out the bad energy of the negative things. Here’s a sample from this week:

  1. Writing exercise of distant POV was really difficult
  2. thrilled by friend K can do me a favor!
  3. My father in law really is clueless about certain things
  4. Bruce Springsteen recorded Greetings From Asbury Park fifty years ago. Wow did that make me stop and feel a little bit old
  5. Grateful we got seats when we went to see Bruce cover band
  6. Molly’s makes the best cupcakes in NYC
  7. I really prefer seeing movies in theaters
  8. My husband annoyed me over stupid things
  9. A little surprised that classes and other in person events are getting sold out- didn’t know if we would see that again
  10. Not looking forward to cold snap about to hit us

Don’t Bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself. William Faulkner

Posted on by LA · 67 Comments

Anything Can Happen Friday: Distracted

Due to all sorts of things, I have become very distracted of late. The worst part is, I’m not distracted because of myself, per se, but how my family handles things. When my family is going through something I take on angst.

Why do I take on their angst?

Who knows.

Control issues?

Wanting to jump in and help and knowing that you really can’t help?

Wanting them to do things differently because I know better?

Probably a little bit of all of them. I see how they’re handling things, and I want to erase my daughters self doubt and angst. I want to make my husband wake up and actually look at the things in front of him. It’s hard for me to watch them have these periods of apprehension and unease and know that I am powerless. I mean, I’m the Mommy. I’m the wife. I’m the household Goddess with superpowers but apparently I’ve hit my kryptonite…

I hate it when I really can’t help the people I care about.

When I can’t help them I can’t focus on things- usually simple, non threatening things, but still- things get messed up…

I screwed up hotel reservations. I forgot to send a birthday card. I missed the deadline for a story contest I wanted to enter. I missed signing up for three classes I wanted to take.

Silly, inconsequential things, but still things that I was too distracted to pay attention to.

I have to remember that I can’t solve everything.

I have to remember to write things down and pay attention to my TO DO folder.

I have to take care of myself because if I don’t take care of myself I can’t take care of anything or anybody else.

So my goal is to try to focus better. To not let whatever my family is dealing with bring me to a point where I can’t get on with my life. I just wish I knew how to do that.

Posted on by LA · 79 Comments

You and Your Doctor

  1. You go for your annual physical. You, as a patient, feel fine. You have no complaints about your health. The Doctor does a routine blood panel. When the results come back, the Doctor doesn’t like one or two of the numbers. Doctor asks you to do a follow up and another test.

Do you refuse to do the follow up? What are good reasons for refusing to do the follow up tests?

2. A few months after your Doctor visit, you do start to feel off. You go to another Doctor, who agrees that you should follow up with the same tests that the previous Doctor recommended.

Do you follow the advice of two Doctors and get follow up tests? Or do you look for a third Doctor to get advice from?

3. After six months you agree to take the tests that the first two Doctors recommended. You find out that indeed there is something that needs to be taken care of. You get a course of treatment, but you don’t like the course of treatment as you think it’s too aggressive.

If you don’t like the treatment that a Doctor suggests, do you have the right to refuse?

4. You go to another Doctor who confirms the diagnosis. This Doctor also recommends the same course of treatment as the first Doctor. When you say your don’t like that course of treatment, the second doctor gives you an alternative treatment that is less aggressive.

How do you make the decision to go with an aggressive form of treatment or a less aggressive treatment? What would factor into your decision?

5. Eight weeks into the less aggressive treatment, you are not achieving desired results. The treatment is working, but not as quick as you’d like.

Do you blame the Doctor for not forcing you into the more aggressive treatment? Do you try to start the more aggressive treatment in hopes of getting a quicker result?

For today’s discussion:

  1. how would/do you go about making medical decisions?
  2. How much do you trust your Doctors?
  3. How much googling do you do when it comes to learning about what ails you?
  4. Do you take another person with you when you are getting a diagnosis so that you have a back-up/sounding board?

Please answer any or all of these questions. I want to know how you would handle this.

Posted on by LA · 76 Comments

Love or Obligation

“I want kids so that I have someone to take care of me when I get older.”

Someone said this to me once. Flat out, the only reason they wanted kids was that they expected free help as they aged. They expected their children who were not born yet to care for them out of obligation.

I don’t believe in doing things out of obligation.

I do things out of love.

If I help you, it is not a tit for tat situation. It is because I really care about you and will do what is within my power to help you. When my friend G was diagnosed with liver cancer and had about three months to live, I just pitched in wherever I could help his family- take his kid home from school, pick up prescriptions, take him to chemo. Whatever he needed, I helped because he was my friend. No recompense needed.

When my parents became ill, I did not do things because of the things they did for me in the past. I did it because I love them. Period.

My daughter is stressed out now- lots of work and such for the final push towards graduation. I said to her “What can I do to help you?”. This wasn’t said because I screwed up and was a bad parent and I owed her, it wasn’t because I felt obligated because she’s my daughter: it’s because I love her and will try to help her in ways that she could use help.

I help out of love. Obligation is paying back money like my mortgage, or paying my credit card bills. Doing something for others is love.

Next time you are doing something for someone, or someone is doing something for you, think about why you’re doing it. If it’s for any reason other than love, think again.

Posted on by LA · 36 Comments

Satire

I wrote a post on Friday https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2023/01/20/anything-can-happen-friday-unlikable-female-protagonist/ that talked about a trigger warning in the Hulu streamed film Not Okay. After one of my blog friends pointed out that the film was supposed to be a satire, (which I disagree with completely) there was discussion that the trigger warning was satirical. So lets talk about this.

WARNING- THERE WILL BE SPOILER SO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW PARTICULARS ABOUT NOT OKAY, READ NO FURTHER. I’LL FORGIVE YOU

What is SATIRE?

Per New Oxford American Dictionary– the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize stupidity or vices

Does Not Okay fit that definition of satire?

I don’t think so. I think the opening scene does show an ignorant character. She does say some stupid things. However, I did not view it as the filmmakers being satirical- I found it to be a judgement more than anything else, more of a mock than a satire.

What is to mock?

Per New Oxford American Dictionary– tease or laugh at in a scornful or contemptuous manner

Is there a difference between mock and satire?

I think to satirize is to exaggerate something so people can see how ridiculous something is- I don’t necessarily think it is done with spite or malice. I think mocking is mean spirited and passive aggressive nasty.

Why do I think the movie is not a satire?

The character says stupid things and is ignorant of many things, including her own privilege. You do chuckle at her in the beginning, but her behavior after that is more contemptuous. You don’t like her and it’s no longer funny- it’s just not a character that you want to like. Not liking a character because she makes poor life choices and decisions is not satire.

If a movie is a satire, does the theme need to carry through from start to finish?

When I think of Dr. Strangelove or more recently Don’t Look Up or The Menu, the theme is carried through from start to finish. There is no doubt what you are watching is satire, and at least in the case of Dr., hilariously funny. The movies end in the most ridiculous ways possible. In Not Okay, the ending is sad. There is no funny or satirical overtone- it is straight up contempt for the main character, the unlikable female protagonist. Can it be a satire if it doesn’t end satirically?

If the content warning was supposed to be a joke, should they have included TRAUMA in the warning?

This is why I think it was done intentionally: trauma is something that would be put in a content advisory, because there are people who really want to know this. If the unlikable protagonist was supposed to be funny, wouldn’t it have been in bad taste to include them in the warning together?

Your turn:

  1. How do you define satire?
  2. What are the best satires you’ve seen/read?
  3. Do you think because someone says that something is satire, that it really is satire, or does it have to pass the smell test?

Posted on by LA · 46 Comments

Virtual

My local gym used to have a ton of classes: spin and body conditioning and yoga, etc. Then pandemic, and gyms shut down for a bit. When they reopened, my local gym had very few classes on the roster. This was a problem for me as I am a big fan of classes. I need motivation to work out. Period. This is neither good nor bad, it’s just me. While I can and do go to the gym and jump on the elliptical five times a week, I love a class.

Slowly my gym has begun adding more classes. But a few months ago they started having virtual spinning classes in the facility (as opposed to the Peloton model where you can do the classes at home).

I was not happy about these virtual classes. I like doing things in person with a live instructor. However, a virtual instructor was better than no class, so I began attending two spin classes a week.

I hate to admit this, but I loved it.

The teacher was teaching live at a studio, and there were four other gyms taking part in the same class, and we all participated by watching a huge TV in the cycling rooms at our own particular location. We could see the instructor, but she couldn’t see us. However, the instructors were able to monitor our bikes, and our progress, from the studio where they were filming. The class was set up so that my gym would be “competing” against the other gyms. Throughout the class, our stats would flash up on the monitor: how on pace we were with how the instructor was telling us to go, and how much power we were using. (FYI- I was awesome at pacing but really lousy at power)

My competitive nature clearly came out, as did the competitive nature of the others in the class. As we were cheering ourselves over “beating” the other teams, we would be laughing at ourselves for how all out we would go for this meaningless tribute.

I was working out and having fun. I really enjoyed the class.

You may have noticed that I was sort of speaking in the past tense. About six weeks ago the gym decided it wasn’t going to do virtual classes anymore. We don’t know why they stopped because we get absolutely no communication about what is and isn’t happening. But I was a little sad that virtual spin was over.

Luckily, my gym added some live, in person instructors so that there are now a few more spin classes. In fact, I was sitting on bike 19 at 6am today.

When I scheduled this post a few months ago, I thought I would be telling you about how virtual spin class was awesome- but instead I’m giving you its obituary. In a blink of an eye, things change. I guess that’s the lesson of today’s post…enjoy things while you can because nothing lasts forever.

Posted on by LA · 79 Comments

Positive Outcome

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

Orson Welles

When doing five minutes of research, I realized that I probably shouldn’t title my post happy endings, but essentially my thoughts and queries revolve around the term happy ending as it applies to books, movies, and life.

How do you define the words happy ending or positive outcome?

Much of fiction ends “happy”. Good guy wins out, the couple fall in love, the moral dilemma is resolved. But just because things end where the audience thinks they should, does it necessarily mean that it’s happy?

I’m going to give you a spoiler alert about Friends- the on again off again relationship between Ross and Rachel appears to be on for good as the show takes its final bow. There are many that think this is the ultimate relationship and this is the ending they wanted all along. However, Rachel gives up a dream job in Paris to stay with Ross. Is it happy or settling?

I recently watched a TV movie with my daughter- one of those Netflix things about a twenty something that does something stupid. What made this movie different was that many people would not consider it to conclude on a positive note. While some of the things said are a step forward, the viewer is left wondering how the protagonist will fare in the future. Of course, the warning label before the movie said “drug use, sexual situations and unlikeable female character” so apparently the American public needs to know when it might not be happy ever after and they need to be prepared… (I guess I could write a whole blog just about that phenomena…)

How do you define happy ending/positive outcome?

Can you give an example about an ending that was positive that you thought was good?

Can you give an example of an ending that was not “happy” and why it did or did not work?

What do you think of the Welles quote?

Happy ending: Yes or No?