Posted on by LA · 41 Comments

Stand Up

Standing desks are all the rage.

I just don’t get it.

I know- sitting is the new smoking so they say…and I’m not saying that sitting for eight hours a day is good for you, but really, is standing for eight hours a day any better?

I did not do scientific research about this- I’m sure there are thousands of articles and statistics that support standing desks, and I’m sure there are an equal amount of studies and stats the say the exact opposite. That’s the nature of anything- one group says A while another says Z. It’s not so much a right or wrong, just different studies and different ways to look at something…

But logically…

Shouldn’t everything be a balance?

If sitting all day isn’t good, is doing the exact opposite the right course of action?

From personal experience, my Dad had a job that made him be on his feet all day. You know what it did for him? Varicose veins, foot issues and heart issues. Standing put too much stress on his body. Sitting a bit might have been better for him.

What if you stand all day but have poor posture? Is that a plus or a minus?

Is good health about more than a decision to stand or sit?

If you stand all day but smoke, how healthy are you?

If you sit and take a five minute walk every hour, how unhealthy are you?

Stand and do no other exercise?

Sit but work out regularly with weights and separate cardio?

Isn’t healthy an all around life style?

What do you think about the standing desk phenomena? Do you think it’s a fad like those kneeling chairs? (remember those? It was supposed to be better to kneel when doing work)

Or do you think it’s an effective tool to use towards a healthy lifestyle?

Discuss:

Posted on by LA · 75 Comments

Is Lying on a Dating App the Norm

Back in October I wrote a post: https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2022/10/06/look-at-love/

At some point in the conversation, Leslie and I discussed lying on dating apps:

  1. Does everyone lie on a dating app?
  2. Is it OK to lie on a dating app?
  3. If it’s OK to lie on a dating app, are there parameters?

I have never used a dating app. I met my husband playing tennis. He was roommates with my doubles partner. There was no match or bumble or whatever, so I have no knowledge of how dating apps work…

However…

It would appear that this is the way many people meet their partners. As I’ve never done it, I can’t really talk about the experience, though from what I’ve heard, I don’t know how much I would have liked it…But if people like it and it works, then have at it…

The biggest criticism I’ve heard about dating apps is the license that one takes when filling out their profile…

  1. Pictures that are old
  2. Overly generous of one’s height or under generous of one’s weight
  3. whether they are married or separated
  4. being vague about their age
  5. skirting around drinking, drugs or smoking

But the other side of the coin is that IF you tell the truth about certain things, will anyone swipe right…

Like, if you are a woman who is fifteen pounds overweight, is hovering around age 60, and likes a cocktail or three at night, how do you display yourself?

Do you write:

Overweight fan of Jack Daniels who was alive when Kennedy was president…

or do you say:

Full bodied woman who likes a full bodied drink and appreciates things that are aged well

or

Size 8 Gen Xer looking for someone who appreciates a glass of wine with dinner

Ignoring my ineptitude at writing these…

Which one gets a date? The flat-out honest one, the one that embellished, or the one that pretty much lied? Why?

In a world of five second attention spans and Instagram perfect lives, can we actually be honest on a dating app? Or do all profiles have a bit of bait and switch?

Just for fun, write yourself a dating app (to be clear this is a writing exercise, not an invitation to enter the world of online dating) and if you have a partner, write their dating app.

I’ll wait…

OK- how much truth stretching is there? Are you brutally honest? Did you represent yourself as you are?

more importantly:

Do you think anyone is messaging you based on the description?

If you were to include a picture, would you use one that was taken just as you got out of bed, or would you use the one at someone’s wedding where you were in spiffy clothes and you were looking relaxed and attractive? In short- would you use a photo of what you can look like instead of how you do look?

Is the world of online dating a big wall of deception?

Does it need to be a big wall of deception?

Discuss:

Posted on by LA · 49 Comments

Little Luxuries

I had a craving for ramen.

I went to the ramen place a few blocks from my house, sat at the counter, and ordered a bowl of ramen.

I’ve written about this matter of factly- but in matter of fact, I rarely go out to a sit down restaurant by myself in the middle of the week and order a meal.

I don’t have a phobia about eating/doing things by myself. I love food and restaurants. But I almost never go out to a sit down meal by myself. Sure, I’ve grabbed fast casual when I’ve been out and about, but waiter service? Rarely.

I guess I think of waiter service food as a treat- it’s something to be savored as a meal rather than merely sustenance. Which I guess makes the real question…

Why do I not want to treat myself?

We could go into the whole mother/wife/woman mindset- how many of us will give our families the best of us and leave the crumbs to ourselves…

We could ponder why I don’t think I deserve this…

Or…

I could just be thankful on the day I craved ramen I just went out and got myself some. That on that particular day, I didn’t overthink, I didn’t question myself or sociological constructs, I just took my e reader out to lunch, and enjoyed a spicy bowl of tonkatsu, no nuri or egg, with curly noodles.

Try not to think about what others expect of you: try to think about what you expect of you.

Sometimes we have to allow ourselves some little luxuries.

Posted on by LA · 79 Comments

You and Your Doctor

  1. You go for your annual physical. You, as a patient, feel fine. You have no complaints about your health. The Doctor does a routine blood panel. When the results come back, the Doctor doesn’t like one or two of the numbers. Doctor asks you to do a follow up and another test.

Do you refuse to do the follow up? What are good reasons for refusing to do the follow up tests?

2. A few months after your Doctor visit, you do start to feel off. You go to another Doctor, who agrees that you should follow up with the same tests that the previous Doctor recommended.

Do you follow the advice of two Doctors and get follow up tests? Or do you look for a third Doctor to get advice from?

3. After six months you agree to take the tests that the first two Doctors recommended. You find out that indeed there is something that needs to be taken care of. You get a course of treatment, but you don’t like the course of treatment as you think it’s too aggressive.

If you don’t like the treatment that a Doctor suggests, do you have the right to refuse?

4. You go to another Doctor who confirms the diagnosis. This Doctor also recommends the same course of treatment as the first Doctor. When you say your don’t like that course of treatment, the second doctor gives you an alternative treatment that is less aggressive.

How do you make the decision to go with an aggressive form of treatment or a less aggressive treatment? What would factor into your decision?

5. Eight weeks into the less aggressive treatment, you are not achieving desired results. The treatment is working, but not as quick as you’d like.

Do you blame the Doctor for not forcing you into the more aggressive treatment? Do you try to start the more aggressive treatment in hopes of getting a quicker result?

For today’s discussion:

  1. how would/do you go about making medical decisions?
  2. How much do you trust your Doctors?
  3. How much googling do you do when it comes to learning about what ails you?
  4. Do you take another person with you when you are getting a diagnosis so that you have a back-up/sounding board?

Please answer any or all of these questions. I want to know how you would handle this.

Posted on by LA · 76 Comments

Love or Obligation

“I want kids so that I have someone to take care of me when I get older.”

Someone said this to me once. Flat out, the only reason they wanted kids was that they expected free help as they aged. They expected their children who were not born yet to care for them out of obligation.

I don’t believe in doing things out of obligation.

I do things out of love.

If I help you, it is not a tit for tat situation. It is because I really care about you and will do what is within my power to help you. When my friend G was diagnosed with liver cancer and had about three months to live, I just pitched in wherever I could help his family- take his kid home from school, pick up prescriptions, take him to chemo. Whatever he needed, I helped because he was my friend. No recompense needed.

When my parents became ill, I did not do things because of the things they did for me in the past. I did it because I love them. Period.

My daughter is stressed out now- lots of work and such for the final push towards graduation. I said to her “What can I do to help you?”. This wasn’t said because I screwed up and was a bad parent and I owed her, it wasn’t because I felt obligated because she’s my daughter: it’s because I love her and will try to help her in ways that she could use help.

I help out of love. Obligation is paying back money like my mortgage, or paying my credit card bills. Doing something for others is love.

Next time you are doing something for someone, or someone is doing something for you, think about why you’re doing it. If it’s for any reason other than love, think again.

Posted on by LA · 82 Comments

Driving Monitor

Watching your parents age is tough. Those people who loomed larger than life, who seemed to be able to solve all of life’s problems, are no longer what they once were. There is neither bad nor good to this: it’s just life. Aging sucks.

But what about your elder parents and driving?

I don’t think any of our four parents should be driving as they once did.

There. I said it.

I don’t think any of the parents should be on highways or driving at night.

I’m guessing this would be an unpopular opinion for anyone who might be older than me, but really

  1. slower reflexes
  2. eyesight not quite as good
  3. thinking they can make turns and merge the same way they were once able

I’m not being mean, or petty, I’m just stating the facts. I’ve been in cars with them. I will no longer get in a car with any of them driving. Period.

So this leads me to my next point:

I understand that it is not feasible to have people over a certain age take driving tests. Plus, I get the whole age discrimination thing…

but…

Should people over the age of 75 be required to have some sort of dashboard monitor or app to monitor their driving?

While I get that accidents happen to everyone of every age, and that those between the ages of 16 and 20 are most likely to get into accidents, there is a case to be made that older drivers do get involved in more accidents than those who are younger (meaning 50s and 60s)

I’m aware that you can anonymously send a complaint to DMV stating that someone should not be driving, and that DMV will ask for a retest, but is that the best way to handle the issue?

What do you think about people over 75 driving? Do you think there should be retests after a certain time? Do you think drivers over 75 should be required to have a driving monitor?

Discuss

Posted on by LA · 75 Comments

Anything Can Happen Friday- The Scam

So my Mother called me the other day…

She received an email from one of her neighbors. The email said that this particular neighbor was having a rough go and needed my Mom to get her a gift cardfor either Amazon or Apple.

Now, I know most of you are thinking the same thing as I thought about this email…

But my Mom…

My Mom can be a very trusting and helpful sort of person. If someone is in trouble she will try to help. She has a sort of Capraesque view of the world, where good wins out over evil and all the other stuff. She assumes that people are good, and that no one tries to take advantage of another.

In theory I guess it would be nice to be that trusting. But you know…I’m a realist not an idealist…so most of the time I’m looking for the angle.

Is this real?

Can I trust this?

What’s the possible downside?

My mother emails back, asking how she can help. She gives her “friend” her phone numbers in case her “friend” can’t find them. And then she proceeds to try to figure out how to buy the gift card.

Now this is a time when I am glad that my Mother is not tech savvy. She couldn’t figure out how to buy the gift cards.

My Mother then calls her friend, to tell her that she can’t buy the cards…

You probably know that the friend’s email account was hacked.

My Mother called me, worried that these scammers have her phone number, and she responded to the email. She was worried that accounts could be opened up in her name using her phone numbers. Honestly, I don’t know anymore what people can and can’t do with information, any information, so I told my Mom to watch her statements and she uses one of those companies that call you when an account is trying to be opened, so I told her to just monitor things…

After I got off the phone with her I heaved a big sigh. While I have got over scams with my daughter ad infinitum, I never thought I would have to go through this with my Mother. I assumed that my Mother would just know when something seems off…But now I really have to worry that she will think the Crown Prince of Nigeria really needs her help.

I love that my Mom is trusting and wants to help others, but now this is a new worry that I have to contend with. Realistically I know that I can’t protect my Mom, but it sort of crushes me that I can’t stop bad people, bad things from hurting her. This is the part about being a daughter that no one really talks about- when the child becomes the parent and the protector.

I sit and try to figure out where to go from here. Is there anything I can do to help my Mother than I hadn’t thought of? Is there any way to prepare? I have to remind myself that there’s not always a solution to things: that there are things that I can’t write as a list and check off the things I’ve done and look ahead to what comes next…

I realize that this is where I need hope: hope that things won’t be too bad, hope that I can fix whatever happens, hope that life will be pleasantly uneventful.

Hope. Sometimes it’s the best option.

Posted on by LA · 81 Comments

What We Miss

My daughter is about to go back to college (for her final semester if you can believe that!!!) It’s always bittersweet when I give her a hug as she lugs her bags into the cab to take her to Penn Station to catch the Northeaster to Union Station… There are parts of me that will miss her, and their are parts… not so much.

I love having my daughter around because she is intelligent and we have great conversations. She is well versed in current events and culture, and has a mind of a sponge because she remembers things that were taught to her in years past. Yesterday we were at MOMA and as we looked at an exhibit she recalled things her 8th grade social studies teacher did as a lesson that correlated with the work we were looking at.

When she leaves I miss the conversations.

My husband doesn’t eat cheese. When I say this I mean that he doesn’t eat nachos or cheese fries or a charcuterie plate that includes cheese. While sharing cheesy tater tots isn’t an activity to base a marriage on, his not eating cheese and most things dairy can be difficult to plan meals around and takes away some small things that I find pleasurable. My daughter eats cheese.

When she leaves I will miss having someone to snack on cheese with.

My daughter will pretty much try anything cultural. Off beat play? She’s in. Weird art? She’s in. Foreign film? She’s in. Golden Girls themed dinner? She’s in.

I will miss having her around to see things and discuss things.

My daughter likes to stay out late. She doesn’t do this every night, but one or two nights a week she is out late. If she’s not home I don’t sleep well. Just can’t.

I will not miss being bleary eyed because my daughter was at a club till 3am, and then had pizza.

While my daughter is highly intelligent, she is also mainly book smart. She lacks life experience and a certain amount of maturity that only comes with the years. Because of this she can be righteous. Oh boy can she be righteous.

I will not miss the righteousness.

She asked me the other day if I missed her being younger- she said there’s been a lot of TikTok’s about how parents miss their kids when they were younger, when they had trouble walking in snowsuits and mispronounced words and just generally the things we find endearing about the not so fully formed humans. She asked if I ever wished she was five again…I told her that while I have many fond memories of her younger years, I have appreciated every stage of her life: but, I don’t wish she were younger or had stayed frozen at any point in time. I have enjoyed the journey of parenting her from being pregnant (ok- not morning sickness) to toddler to preschool, elementary to middle to high to college, and now as an adult. The memories are wonderful but I don’t want to live in the memory. I’m ready to close out the undergraduate years and look forward to watching her as she encounters the next step on her journey.

When you say you miss your kids, what is it that you actually miss? Do we really miss kids as they were, or is it just a little wistful to look back at time and see how fast it really goes when you’re not paying attention?

Posted on by LA · 83 Comments

How I Felt

I was in the elevator of my building recently. I began a conversation with some random neighbor and I said that my daughter went to X University. he replied, “Oh, someone else in the building has a kid that goes there.” I looked at him quizzically, because there aren’t that many college age kids, and I know them all. He said- “He’s the guy on the board. Maybe you know him”. And I laughed and said- “yeah- that’s my Husband. We both have a kid at that school, or something like that.” The guy looked at me quizzically and said OK.

It was the OK that got me.

And, I know that I am totally reading into the situation, but I felt like the guy was trying to figure out how that guy was my Husband.

My Husband is four years younger than me, and in annoyingly good shape. If we had an attic I would assume that there was an aging painting in there. He has all his hair, he’s slim, and he has limited wrinkles. He doesn’t even look his age at all…

This is when I hate men.

Alas, I am a post menopausal woman who likes to eat and cook and I have the stomach to prove it. I know that I am not as physically attractive as I once was, and I’m normally OK with that…

All right, I’m really never ok with the fact that I’m not as attractive as I once was…

And this day I felt it.

There was no consolation in the fact that I was in the laundry room in my gym clothes, because I’d been to the gym and wanted to get the laundry up while I showered. My hair was in a pony, I had not a drop of anything but residual sweat on my face, and seriously, I looked like I needed to be put in the wash cycle. I’m sure I didn’t smell so great either…I was definitely not wearing perfume…

I felt old and dingy and washed up.

Amazing what the mind does to you…

And then I wanted to go make a high calorie cake for my husband and hide my moisturizer that I let him use. Let him get dry skin…let him look his age…

But that’s being petty.

I should be better than that…

I should be…but I’m not…

What is it about aging and beauty, or lack there of, that gets me every time? Why is it so hard to accept that looks change as you get older? How do we learn to accept ourselves as we get older?

It’s funny because I thought I was OK with my body, my face, my drier skin and grey hair. But I guess I’m not as emotionally and mentally strong about this as I’d like to be. It’s another thing to work on, one more task for my to do list…I just wish it was easier to plot out the goal, for me to say- to become more tolerant of my aging, I just need to do steps 1, 2 and 3…

Alas…it’s not that easy…

But I’ll try.

First, I’ll have a little pity party, and then I’ll remind myself that I am healthy and can still hold my own in a Spin class, and that I really don’t have that many wrinkles around my eyes, and I don’t yet need reading glasses…

And I’ll just get on with it a day at a time.

I need to remember that aging is a gift, a gift that many do not receive.

Posted on by LA · 72 Comments

What are we doing?

I wonder if it’s shyness- whether Sasha and I should be asking him more about what he’s doing. But Mile’s history makes those questions feel loaded, or patronizing, and anyway, we’re in our fifties- do people even ask what we’re “doing” anymore? Hasn’t that already been decided?

Jennifer Egan Candy House

For my friends who are in their 50’s or beyond: Do we know what we are doing?

Ok- loaded question. But do we tend to write-off people who are older, and assume they have nothing going on in their lives? Or that everything is same old, same old?

While I admit I don’t lead the most exciting life, I like to think that I have a life– that I do things, that I try new things, that I still have lots of innings left in the ball game. I hope that people want to ask what I am “doing” because I hope that I am still “doing”.

But do we stop trying as we get older?

Do we stick to the same patterns and routines?

Do you not ask your friends and acquaintances what they are doing because you already know the answer?

Discuss: