When you put on clothes and ask if they are flattering, what do you mean by flattering? When you get dressed, how do you want to look? Have you ever uttered the words- “Does this make me look fat?”

If you were to find someone on a dating app, would you be upset if you met them in person and they were heavier than they appeared to be in the photos?

If you’re a woman, when you go out to eat with other female friends, do you order a salad? If so, do you get the dressing on the side? (I’m speaking of women here, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen my husband or guy friends ever order a salad as a main course- not that it doesn’t happen, but it doesn’t happen in my world)

If you were going out on a date with someone for the first time, would you order the meal you wanted, or the meal that you think you should have?

When you see an ad for a restaurant or a food, is the model in the ad thin? How often do you see people of a size 12 or above in a food ad?

Have you ever looked at someone who is thin and thought that they were so lucky?

Have you ever controlled what your children eat saying that it’s not healthy, but really meant it’s fattening?

Have you ever said I won’t eat that it has too many calories?

Have you ever watched someone eat a high caloric meal and felt disgusted?

Have you ever said that you wanted to lose five or ten pounds?

Have you ever bought clothing in a size too small with the hopes of dieting to fit into it?

Have you ever saw an aquaintance and remarked, in a positive tone, Have you lost weight?

I grew up with a Mother who was obsessed with dieting and appearance, so much so that my sister and I both had eating disorders to a certain degree. My sister bordered on anorexia at points in her life, and I would eat to spite my Mother. It took both of us years to get over the worst of this, but it still lingers in both of us.

When I’ve posted food pictures on my blog, I’ve gotten comments about how many calories, should I be eating that, and this is why Americans are fat. These weren’t from fancy designers or influencers- these were comments from regular people.

I know people who completely obsess about every morsel of food that enters their mouth, espouse their eating habits and look down on those who don’t share their version of food consumption. Their facial expressions belay how they feel about people who are heavy.

I’ve heard people say things like she should lose weight, or what was she thinking wearing those pants or look at what she put on that plate.

Real people say these things.

Now… I think when there is a discussion about weight on the table, at moments when we think we need to join the PC narrative, I think we are capable of saying the right things when it comes to the body positivity story that is the current trend. I think we have the “You go Girl”, be happy with your body, size doesn’t matter thing down pat.

But I don’t think our actions pair up with our words quite so much- I think we say it with our mouths, but I’m not quite so sure that we think it in our heads and hearts. And therein lies the issue. We say it but we don’t really mean it, because when we are in smaller groups we still talk trash about weight. As a society, we need to change the narrative in our heads before we can change the narrative anywhere else.

Do you believe that all bodies are beautiful? Then act like it not just in word but in deed. It’s not just influencers and designers that are to blame- it’s real people like you and me who direct this narrative. And if we want it to stop we all have to actually believe that all bodies are equally beautiful. If you think you are totally body positive, go back to the top of this post and truthfully, to yourself, answer those questions. If you pass that test, kudos to you. If you didn’t, think about what you can do to change the narrative in your head.

Nothing changes if we don’t all believe the message and act like it.

67 thoughts on “Anything Can Happen Friday: Fatphobia”

  1. So, I have this nice cocktail dress, and I would have to just do abs and run 1-2 times a week to look like I did in it 12-years ago… I don’t know that I’m willing to do the former though.

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      1. Oh, completely. The whole entry. I was thinking about health midweek too.

        All things in moderation, right?

        I’m 29% southern European though and 22% is Italian so I eat big all the time, love going out to eat, and when I’m with my East Coast family you better know that we’re talking about food while eating food and also planning what we’ll eat next!

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  2. I find this a tricky issue because I think too many people overeat. We have an abundance of food; its availability, sugar content, artificial ingredients, and relative cheapness that we didn’t have before. Combine that with a stressful but sedentary lifestyle and you’ve got trouble.

    HOWEVER, I also see the flip side, as you have. Those who have more time than tasks often pick apart the wrong things. I have a relative who’s forbidden her husband from talking about body issues AT ALL because they have all daughters and she’s aware (like you) of how damaging the negative body talk can be. I hear about eating disorders and social media bullying.

    Why can’t we be healthy and not obsessed? Let’s go back to the Victorian model, but still be able to walk a mile now and then. 🙂

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  6. Actually the best diet plan is your body. I m not going to return to a size 6 or 8 again but I am not 25 twice. The best diet plan is my right hip hurting and the doc telling me lose 20 lbs. or so. I mentioned this to my young hairdresser last month and she said, “But you are not heavy. That makes me so mad. I need to talk with your doc.” And I said, ‘No, she is right. Any extra pounds hurts like he**, so the best plan is your health. What you know to be true. The younger hairdresser will find out this one day. It is not my doc body shaming me.

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  7. I have been known to order a salad as the main (Ahi Tuna salad). I don’t care much about size. As for watching what you eat, I focus on sugar. Especially added sugar. Since I cut back on the added sugar (it does exist in nature without being added) I’ve lost 12 lbs. I feel better and my thoughts are clearer. I only consume whole milk products, real butter and avoid breads that are enriched as that is code for it was processed to the point of not being food and they had to add stuff back into it.

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    1. I buy very little processed foods. If I could grow my own wheat and grind it into flour I would this doesn’t mean I don’t indulge…I’m just careful about the quality of ingredients. My only real vice would be a two cans of diet soda I drink a week

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  8. When it comes to food or really indulgence, “all things in moderation. Including moderation.” It is so easy to get carried away with weight, appearance or any other obsession. But is it really worth it to worry what so many others, who mean nothing to you, think about you? If you do, you won’t have time to worry about what you think of yourself. Having been really heavy in my life and only now being thin, I guess I can relate. But, you know what, conduct yourself as a person you would like to be. Work toward that, and the rest will follow.
    By the way, first date or not, order what you want. If the date turns out bad, at least the food was good.

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    1. As weight loss is a million if not billion dollar industry, I think the majority are very worried about what others think regarding everything

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  10. I think it is true that we know the right things to think and say about foods and weight, but we don’t always believe them about ourselves and others. It is an area where we tend to be judgemental. It doesn’t help that the “experts” keep changing the advice on acceptable foods. I think most people could rally around moderation in all things–especially processed foods (i.e. things with ingredients we can’t pronounce) and sugar. My big request to you, LA, is that you continue to post your food pictures. I LOVE seeing the variety of things available in NYC. Mentally block out any comment that criticizes photos of those delicious dishes. My advice for everyone: the only person who should tell you what to put in your mouth is you!

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  11. I have sometimes thought to myself when I see someone a little on the heavier side really enjoying themselves, “Man, I wish I was that comfortable in my body!” I do feel better when I weigh less and I have put on about 20 pounds over the last 2 years and am starting to feel it in my legs, not to mention my clothes. I don’t want to buy new clothes.

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  13. I was fortunate to grow up in a house where there was never talk of weight, diets, or calories. We ate lots of veggies from the backyard garden and weren’t allowed soda, candy, or deserts except for on special occasions. I think that instilled healthy habits and a healthy mindset about food and my body.

    I wrote a post once titled something along the lines of “big can be beautiful, but it’s not healthy”. I think people can look good well at any size, but I’ve never seen a morbidly obese person live past age 55. Excess weight takes a toll on the body and I view it as choosing short term pleasure over long-term health, though I suspect most people are not thinking about long-term consequence at all.

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    1. Valid points, and I think we need to start discussing health and body realistically. We can’t gloss over things and come up with catch phrases…

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  14. I passed through so many eras in my life, the young years when I looked fabulous and thought I was too fat, the middle years when I hosted four people in my body, gaining and losing a third of my body weight repeatedly, but it was having daughters that really stopped the body shaming chatter in my brain and in my words. I didn’t want them to worry about food, weight, or their beautiful bodies. I think it helped but ultimately, I don’t think you can shelter anyone from societies definition of the perfect body type. Now that I’m older, post menopausal, I care less and less about what people think, or the circumference of my thighs. I think about how delightful it is to enjoy a meal with people you love, to savor a good dessert, to sip a nice red wine. I worry much less and enjoy so much more. Wish I understood what I know now when I was twenty. Great discussion. Hugs, C

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    1. I had this conversation with my daughter recently and I thought I was such a good role model for healthy body image and it turns out I’m not as good about it as I thought I was. While my daughter mainly feels ok about her body, and has way less angst than I did, there’s still some angst to a certain degree. So yeah….there’s too many things out there to hinder a healthy body image

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    1. I look my age, which I consider to be young, but it’s not a pride thing. I take care of my skin and I mainly eat healthy and I exercise everyday, but I definitely don’t “look young”. I’m proud that I am curious and open to ideas and experiences which many would say is acting young. I don’t ever try to look young. I just try to take care of myself

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  16. I love what you’re saying here and agree completely! I’m going to answer one of your questions and you might think otherwise, though.

    If you were to find someone on a dating app, would you be upset if you met them in person and they were heavier than they appeared to be in the photos?

    This happened to me, and yes, I was upset. Not because she was heavy; I have no problem with that at all. It’s just that she so blatantly misrepresented herself. It wasn’t a few pounds, it was five or six sizes. Here’s the thing: I still would have met her if she’d posted a current, realistic photo, and probably had a good time. But the fact that she chose to misrepresent herself was a turn-off more than the actual weight. If that makes sense?

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      1. I don’t have much in common with someone overweight. I am in a constant state of motion. I would tend to annoy someone who can’t cycle or run a little

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  17. I don’t think people should be rude to others on account of their weight. Your weight is your business. Personally yeah, I’ve wanted to lose a few kilos, thought about the fat content of what I eat, and avoided clothes that outlined the bulges. But I also believe that excess weight is physically bad for people, same as for any other animal. I don’t believe every body is beautiful. If everything is beautiful what then is the meaning of the word beautiful? Obesity is not beautiful, it’s a body destroyed. But…in this culture of over-plenty we do have an obsession with food, eating it, avoiding it, controlling it, artifying it, moralising about it. No wonder kids get eating disorders. Fat isn’t a moral issue it’s a health issue, as is fitness and for that matter extreme skinniness. It’s also a societal issue: we evolved to like fat and sugar and eating whatever was available, because it usually wasn’t. Now our cup runneth over and on top of that there’s no need to physically do anything and we’re bored and dissatisfied and we eat. And here we are.

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    1. You make valid points. This is why we need to be honest with ourselves about all aspects of weight and health. Real issues need to be discussed in a healthy way or we keep circling

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  18. I agree with everything in this post but i will “weigh” in on the dating app. If you post a picture of a thinner you and show up heavier it would raise red flags in regards to honesty.

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    1. Out of all my friends who have online dated, I only know two who didn’t fudge their resume just a bit and they were highly educated with outstanding careers, very attractive, and in late 20s early 30s. I wrote about this a few months ago. I think people take the same liberties on dating apps as they do in resumes.

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  19. I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. (Meanwhile, my daughter is 33 and has never weighed over 110 pounds.) At my current age I’ve suddenly put on weight (hormonal middle-age weight gain 🙄), but I don’t obsess about it. I’m getting terrible cravings and suddenly feel hungry ALL THE TIME!! But I’ll get a handle on it eventually like I’ve done with other challenges in my life. I can’t worry about it. 🤷🏽‍♀️
    There are people who are very overweight and live long, happy lives. There are people who look fit as a fiddle and die of a heart attack because of stress or hereditary factors. These are not the norms but it does happen. So basically, I’m just glad to see people alive and happy, whatever their weight or how they look. I try so hard not to judge others. And I am going to enjoy what I eat until I’m told I can’t. For me, life is too short to deprive myself of food that I enjoy. And hey, if I die of something totally non-food related I will have wasted all those years eating super healthy for nothing. 🤭I know it’s crazy logic, but it’s how I feel right now. I can’t say I’ll feel the same way forever, but for now I’m trying to enjoy the little things in life that make me happy. ☺️

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  20. Great post!! I think body image is so culturally pressed into us to the point where we don’t even realize it. I thought as I got older I would care less but in some ways I struggle more because I have less control over my body and how I look.

    My daughter is obese and is a binge eater. I tried not to give her a complex about it. I figured it was something she already knew. What could I do about it besides offering healthy choices. The other kids really bullied her in school about it. As much as I think we are accepting as a society of different body shapes we really aren’t. We can’t even accept ourselves.

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      1. Happy birthday and happy Mother’s Day LA!! I hope you are having a wonderful weekend. I’ve noticed you’ve really been putting yourself out there lately taking great posts to super great posts. 😀⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

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  21. It’s so very hard to accept our bodies as they naturally are! In my opinion, as long as your doctor isn’t telling us to lose weight for health reasons, we all need to let go of our obsession with being thin. It’s not easy, because being skinny is really celebrated in our culture, as well as many other cultures, but let’s face it: public opinion is often wrong.

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    1. Be you eve watched us and marveled at the ridiculous answers people give to questions, both on the surveys and playing the game? These are the opinions we base things off of?

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  22. Our culture celebrates and idolizes thin people. Of course there are health risks to being overweight, but that doesn’t mean everyone is supposed to be a size 2. It’s become a real challenge to appreciate your own body when the message we get is that you have to look a certain way. Curvy can be just as beautiful as skinny. I think the way you carry yourself says more than what size you wear.

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  23. Oh LA, I am sorry that you and syour sister had to deal with eating disorders! You are right at how even though you can overcome an eating disorder, it still lingers. I am not the type of woman that only orders a salad, unless I am really not that hungry. I order what I want and eat what makes me happy. Dos that mean i just indulge all the time, no, but the obsession we all seem to have with being the perfect size, drives me crazy! But I have had to catch myself recently for yes I have made the comment about wanting to lose 5 or 10 pounds. I went most of my life with never having to worry about weight and then you hit middle age and its like, Wait, I am eating the same, why?? LOL! But, as I tell my husband, we get older our bodies change, its nothing to be ashamed of! YOu are soo right, we need to do better as a society, because the message is still way too strong about needing to be thin!

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  24. I had the same experience with my mother and grandmother. It has a hugely negative impact, and I was determined to break the cycle. Working as I do with mature women who are dating, this can be a massive issue. I’m delighted to say a client of mine now tells everyone how I helped her to dating confidently despite not being “thin enough” and is thoroughly enjoying the experience. It’s so damned important, thanks for writing about it LA.

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  26. I totally agree. I think past conversations about Lizzo show this exact sentiment.

    Also, I recently wore a crop top, and my husband and cousin both said something along the lines of “you can wear that, though…everyone can’t wear that.” To which I replied, everyone CAN wear this, now, whether or not you two want to see it because of your bias, is another thing altogether.

    When it comes to weight, we oftentimes say things we don’t believe in order to be PC, like you said. True feelings come out in private convos, for sure.

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    1. Yes! Have you seen the meme about how yoga pants don’t lie? It’s just a passive aggressive way of saying you look fat in those pants. We all need to change the narrative

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  27. LA – You know sometimes I think we had the same mother, and my comment here is based on the unhealthy thoughts Mom put in my head on the subject of weight and appearance that I was afraid I had passed on to my daughters. Based on the time they spent with their grandmother, especially the one who will be practicing family medicine, they understand and appreciate the environment around this issue I grew up with, though they may not be in the same frame of mind about why Mom felt this way.

    Her mother weighed over 300 pounds when she married and less than 200 (or maybe even less but I don’t remember) when her brother married 9 years later. I have no idea what lead to this dramatic (and unhealthy) weight loss but I’d bet it really messed with Mom’s own self-image and caused her to make some of the comments she made to me about my appearance.

    My girls, especially the elder non-doctor but still mature and caring (enough that she still sees her dad, my idiot alcoholic serial monogamist ex whose late in life re-adoption of his “religion” which may have been the basis for his selection of wife #4 has not set well with her), still bristle when I comment that I should not eat something in front of them. This, the more emotionally confused child, is now in therapy, which I hope will make it easier for me to ask about her food choices without her taking it as an affront in this regard.

    Actually, come to think of it, it may have already, given her non-response when I recently asked her what she was going to have at our pre-Mother’s Day dinner! Yeah, her! And fingers crossed that I’m right and therapy might make our relationship better and easier for both of us.

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