Last week I talked about what is someone’s story to tell, and what isn’t. https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2023/05/02/my-story-to-tell/

We know I talk about real things from real people in my life, and I have publicly stated that I’m OK with people telling things about me.

For the most part anyway…

When I was 17, I made an intellectual flub. I was unaware of something and I did something intellectually stupid. Let me clarify that no harm came out of this- there was nothing dangerous etc. It was something that I was ignorant about.

Pure and simple intellectual ignorance that befits a somewhat sheltered 17 year old who grew up in the suburbs.

When I realized my misconception I felt a little stupid and ignorant and embarrassed, but as there was NO CONSEQUENCE to this, I got over it fairly quickly.

However, for the better part of 1981 and 1982, my Mom told this story to people. I didn’t care and I laughed it off.

She continued to tell this story in 1983, 84, 85 straight through to this century up until 2022…

No kidding.

When she went out to dinner she still told this story. And then she would call me to tell me that she told this story.

I was good natured about the retelling of this tale, until I wasn’t. I just didn’t understand why almost 40 years later, a stupid remark I made in 1981 was still a topic of conversation.

Finally, last year I said to her:

How do you find a way to include this story in every conversation that you have with people?

and

Why do you delight in telling this story to people?

and

Out of all the impressive things I have done with my life in the past 40 years, why is this the way you choose to present me to the world?

and

Have you ever thought that if you hadn’t sheltered me from so much, perhaps I would have never made the flub? Doesn’t that reflect poorly on you as a parent who is supposed to be preparing me for the world?

and

You’re telling me that you have nothing better to talk about when you are out with people?

She said she would not tell the story anymore.

No I’m sorry. No apology. Just she wouldn’t tell the story anymore.

So yes- while I can be good natured about something, there comes a point where I’ve had my limit.

I guess this comes back to what many mentioned: Motive. Why are you choosing to tell a story? That’s what got to me- why was my Mother STILL telling this story to people. It had its moment back in 81, and even 82. But now? Present day? WHY would someone be telling it now? What was her motive/reasoning?

Perhaps when someone is telling a story other than their own, the writer/artist has to ask themselves: Why am I doing it? When you know the why, you’ll figure out if it’s your story to tell.

70 thoughts on “The Flub”

  1. I’m very aware of the stories I tell– and if they are mine to share or not. I consistently ask myself why I’m saying what I’m saying, but many people don’t. Isn’t that behavior what we call gossiping? 🤨

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    1. I read a non fiction book a few years ago, highly respected author, who states that gossip is good for the society at large and integral. But apart from that aside, this isn’t even interesting enough to be gossip. It’s not even remotely interesting, especially to someone who doesn’t know me

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      1. I’m not a gossip so following the reasoning in that book, I am bad for society! Just great, another way in which being polite can be used against me. 🫤

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  3. My parents also tell the same stories over and over, some that I don’t even remember happening. To them these are fond memories. I try to let it go in one ear and out the other. Sometimes it is hard.

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    1. I let it go until on this blog we began discussing who tells a story, and about memoirs, and that’s why, after 40 years I’d had enough. She wasn’t being respectful to me, and I should be respected

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  4. That’s a perfect example of knowing when the story becomes not yours to tell! Ally has a great point- is there a reasonable cut off whereby one simply turns into a Mrs Kravitz.

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  6. Why do parents do this? (I hope I don’t but maybe I do without realizing it) My husband had to tell his dad to stop telling the story of the time he dented the car when he was 16. I think he also said, “Don’t you have better things to talk about?”

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  8. She’s relying on comfort zone, do what works, it always entertained others and will continue to entertain now, daughter never minded before… Same, same, is good for older people, I’ve discovered. New or different is not so good for a older people.

    I especially like the questions you asked her. Her reaction doesn’t surprise me, but it’s interesting in the sense that it made her think beyond her comfort zone. Rather than answer the questions or even apologize, she chooses to just shut down and not tell the story again.

    To me, it reinforces that she was comfortable with something that worked before and didn’t see a need to change it, especially because she was under the impression it never bothered you before.

    The fact that this is still going on 40 years later is… Annoying? Crazy? Infuriating? I can see you sitting there shaking your head thinking why is she still on this… 🙄

    Good that you spoke up. 🙂

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  9. Those are all excellent questions LA and I’m thrilled you asked them. It was way past time for that story to be left in the past, in my opinion and I agree with you. The story is a reflection of her as a Mother…in more ways than one.

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  10. I agree… there’s a motive and it’s to make fun of the other person. It’s up to us to stop it. Just laugh and say, “Not that story again. I’m remembering when YOU… blah, blah, blah.” THAT will STOP them in their tracks.

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  11. What an interesting topic. I can totally see why you’d get tired of that story!

    I think my mom focuses on talking about my struggles more than my successes because SHE doesn’t want to be seen as a stereotypical parent that brags about their children.

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  12. I’m glad you said something, LA. Whatever the tidbit was…it was another lifetime and your mom’s reasons for clinging to it? Hard to say what motivated her. Maybe there was some aspect of it that was fun or silly or a reminder — for her — of times that were lighter? No matter…I think you tolerated the resharing far longer than I probably would’ve! 😊

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  13. Hmm, LA you made me really curious about that story. You teased me into wanting to know more. It is funny the things we remember. I remember when I was about 12 my parents took me out to a very nice place for dinner-the best in our small area. The waitress came by with the dessert tray and asked what I wanted-my father, with his usual honesty and bluntness laughed, and said “She will take the largest.”

    In all honesty, I was contemplating the sundae but I turned bright red and was furious as I considered myself overweight (which I was not), but growing up with an aunt who was a model and a mom who liked to stylize my outfits and hers every year, I was a little insecure. And I still remember.

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      1. My father did not mean anything bad-this was just his quirky sense of stating things like they were but I remember my mom glaring at him. And my brothers stopped talking to him before he passed away, so I guess I was able to move forward and accept the best of him along with a few quirks.

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      3. I am a forgiving sort but evidently my brothers are not. I am at peace with myself but who knows if they are. My dad had some excellent traits including a wonderful work ethic and wanted the best for us but he was ruthlessly blunt which in the end might have been to toughen us all up for the coming years. And it worked! I hope you will find the right medium with your mom.

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      5. It is funny the way others hear differently. In all honesty, my dad might have been saying “Don’t worry about the cost. We are good.” I guess you might try to play devils advocate and find something to embarrass your mom.

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  15. You gave me something for self reflection. I have told a story about my husband that occurred 27 years ago when he was watching our three-year-old son. I was helping a friend with a computer and had our infant daughter. When I returned home, our son was missing and the door and gate was open. My husband was watching TV. Our son’s clothes were by the edge of the pool. We found our son walking naked a block away with our Rottweiler. It’s quite a story to tell, but hubby hates it. He insists he sat down in front of the TV for one second. I may have to retire it, after this last retelling. What is my point of sharing this? You’re making me wonder why I do.

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    1. I think we all have that story we tell about our spouse…but after awhile we should retire them I think. But your son, naked, walking the dog is kind of funny in the retelling

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      1. It is a funny story. The other possible outcomes could have been so much worse. Our son literally went in the pool by himself. He didn’t get kidnapped thanks to our big dog! But I agree, we should retire these “funny spouse” stories.

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  16. Did something need to be said to your mother? Yes, absolutely. Indeed, many people would’ve cracked sooner than you did. That said, I recognise much of my mother in yours, and I suspect it won’t change anything except that particular story won’t get repeated, but there’ll be another one, or another way to achieve the same aim.

    But, and I’m playing devil’s advocate here, could something you’ve used for blog fodder be *that* story in years to come for someone else? And that question isn’t being asked solely of you, but of any of us who’ve told a story in our blog we feel is ours to tell, but which turns out to have an impact on another person in the story?

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    1. Most stories affect more than one person. If I wrote a blog and repeated the story fifty times a year for 40 years, yeah….it’s the same thing. Think aboit people featured in memoirs or essays…

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      1. I do get the distinction between choosing to repeat a story multiple times and it simply being told once – if remaining available to read online for all time. It’s just I wonder if a story remaining online for all time will become something that could become akin to the constantly repeated story. We’re all still working out this whole online thing after all, and it’s something I ponder on as someone who puts stuff out there.

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      2. The same could be said for books though. Once it’s published, it’s there. Until they ban/censor you anyway…

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  18. A few things occur to me … and im not in any way saying her telling of your story was right … but could it have just become habit? That it’s the only story she has/or just doesn’t have to think of something else? But I also wonder why she has to tell you every time she shares the story? To me that’s just bizarre

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  19. Good for you in speaking up!! We have our jokes in the family about things our parent’s or siblings did. Butwe don’t remind the person of them all the time and we don’t go telling everybody we know!.i don’t see the reason for doing that.
    Like you said, what is the motive is an important thing to remember! Why are we telling the story. ❤

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  20. Mothers have memories, as do fathers. These are usually stories, funny or otherwise that we recall at the oddest times, but fairly often. When our brain filters don’t work these stories come out and they can be pretty embarrassing to our kids. I do find myself telling some of these stories many times over and I’m sure my sons would love it if my jaw would just fall off when I do. But these are memories. My parents had them as did theirs. As I age I kind of feel these are selfishly mine to tell. But I guess discretion does have its place.

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    1. I don’t mind good or happy or funny memories. I don’t like the focus on something that I did that was ignorant/stupid. That’s not how I’d like to be remembered or presented to the world

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  21. LA,
    It’s been years ago now, but I was talking to my brother who was telling me that he and his wife had been talking about me. He wanted to know, “Did I remember…” — gee, I don’t even remember what he said anymore. Whatever it was, I responded, “Let me get this straight: you and your wife were having dinner by yourselves at a nice restaurant and started talking about something I did from that long ago? Wow, y’all must really have nothing to talk about.” To me, the whole thing felt kind of icky. Here’s the rub. I guess he told his wife and my response must have upset her. Now every time I see her (thankfully, not very often), she likes to “remember” to my face in front of everyone that time when I…blah, blah, blahed. The problem is 1) she made the story up because there is no way in hell that I would have ever blah, blah, blahed; and if I ever even thought to, it wouldn’t have been around her because I have never trusted her; 2) she was trying to make me look bad and embarrass me in front of others with her made up story (she didn’t, though, because it wasn’t true); 3) no one remembers even remotely that I did what she’s said even though, supposedly, she insists I did this with family around; and 4) she’s basically put her foot down and stated that what happened happened unless I can prove otherwise. How am I supposed to prove something that never happened? She knows I can’t.
    Of course that alone tells you all you need to know. As you stated above, motive. Always look at the motive. She’s told this story about me so many times to whomever she could think to tell. I just roll my eyes now. It bothered me for years that someone in the family was lying about me and enjoyed upsetting me with her lies. This has been going on for decades now. I’ve finally decided, who cares. I don’t. People who know me don’t either. Even so, she continues to perpetuate it every time I see her. She brings it up. It’s as though she doesn’t know what else to discuss around me. What I know is the truth wins in the end and people show their true colors when they don’t think anyone’s looking. I’m not sure if I answered your question, but it triggered the above, so I hope this helps. Mona

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