A few months ago I wrote a post talking about what we choose to share on our personal blogs. This brought up an interesting discussion as to what is our story to tell- do we have the right to talk about someone else in our posts. https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2023/02/14/open-sesame/

I don’t think any of use are Tom Hanks on a deserted island talking to a beach ball- so we interact with people on the daily. (though I wonder if Wilson the volleyball would like someone to tell their story, but that’s a whole other movie…)

If something happens, we can say it’s a shared story- at least two people took part in something. If something is a shared story- can we talk about it if we were one of the people involved?

Of course, as a writer and reader, I figure there would be no art if people didn’t actively use what was in front of them to tell a story. So my thought is, if it happens and I am part of it, I am totally going to use it. I think if you are a part of a story, the story is fair game and you can use it any way you want.

If my Mother in law says something nasty to me, I’m probably retelling it. Fight with my daughter? using it. My Husband triple books? Using it.

What I will not use is something told to be in confidence that is not a part of my story, nor makes for a good story. I will only bring up my closest friends if one of them does something really stupid and they know that I’m writing about it because I tell them that it’s going in the blog…

Which kinda sorta brings us to the next part: Does someone have the right to tell someone else’s story?

For that, I ask what is the point of journalism? Is journalism not a stranger telling someone else’s story- either with or without their permission?

Has there ever been anything written that wasn’t at least partially based on a real person or event? Aren’t the characters that we create born of combos of different people that we have come across? Different situations we’ve encountered or heard about?

Isn’t the art of storytelling, whether it be a book, a movie or art, the story of something that actually happened that the artist/writer took hold of and used?

Does anyone own a story, or is anything fair game?

Is there anything wrong with artists/writers using what is in front of them for inspiration and work?

Discuss

73 thoughts on “My Story to Tell”

  1. Good questions! On my blog, I keep most of the personal stuff out because it’s a book blog and also because my family and I are pretty private. That said, I always go to your blog because you share things about relationships and situations that I’m very interested and you ask/discuss excellent questions. So, fiction writers and journalists are most definitely writing other people’s stories. I think everyone follows their own guidelines. That’s the end of my ramble!

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  2. Just speaking for myself, a few years ago now, as my wife and I were talking about this very issue and some of the blog posts on my blog(s), she being a more private person than myself, did not feel comfortable w/ the level of transparency of some of my posts. I heard her, went back and put a 1/3 of those posts in the archives. There were several different things in play….discernment, motive, etc. I do gravitate to blog posts that are personal, transparent, real… but then again, that’s just me.

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  3. I consider about anything fair game, though in some cases making a person unidentifiable is a good idea. I mostly write about dead people for a good reason. Even then, it seems a few people get bent when I write about someone who is not related to me (like my found photo posts). I don’t worry about it.

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  4. Good question – I believe you own the story of what’s happened to you. For the most part I think it’s fair game to use that material in writing. However, if something is deeply personal – and sharing that information betrays someones trust -then obviously that crosses a line. Yes, I believe you can tell someone else’s story too – often the marginalised need someone to tell their story – they don’t have the means to do so themselves. It’s probably good manners to ask them first of course!

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  5. Hahahaha! On your daughter and husband. I have a diary, but sometimes feel the need to post it. I hope that I keep things unidentifiable, and I do tell people that I write about that I have an anonymous blog, but yes, there are ethical considerations.

    I would take anything down and rethink all my public processing if anything bad had ever happened. My ex-wife read my whole blog before we were engaged. You bring good questions and got me thinking as you usually do.

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  6. I appreciate what AP said — about sharing only to the extent that we have permission so we’re not breaking trust. I also agree with Doug’s point – about gravitating to posts and content that showcase personal storytelling, but I would never want anyone to divulge privileged information in a post. 😉

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  7. You know there’s not much that I don’t write about on my blogs, even if it involves other people. I do tone some things down, or keep what are truly obviously sensitive details out but there aren’t many of those. What I do share is life and life involves messy and hard things a lot of the time. I just use the rule that if I would tell a friend whatever the topic is then I will write about it because that’s how I define all the people who read my blogs…as friends.

    I thought a bit more about reversing this perspective though- I don’t know anyone intimately who blogs and writes about me on a blog so I suppose I have a really one sided view! I wonder what I would feel like if someone wrote about a difficult or intimate topic focused on me on their blog?

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    1. I’m guessing someone has complained about me on their posts…because I’m too conservative, or too liberal, believe in God, don’t believe in organized religion, call out hypocrisy, am a hypocrite myself, etc. I figure at least I made an impact…something I did irked someone so much they had to write about it. I’m ok with that.

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      1. Oh for sure! Everyone is going to have an opinion about someone else. It’s sort of a badge of honor (?) to know you said something that made another person react in a strong way- got them thinking enough to react at all 🙂 I was thinking more about my reactions to someone sharing something very personal or intimate honestly…

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      2. I’m mainly an open book. The things that would hurt me I tell almost no one, so yes, if someone I completely trusted betrayed me I’d be upset. I think I have a thick skin. Also…I’m a fighter with words. I’d just keep going like the energizer bunny

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  8. I agree with you, unless something is told to me in confidence, or I know the person is more reserved and would not appreciate being in a story, even with a name change. Than I respect that.
    Have some of my fictional characters done things that have happened in real life and are they inspired by people I know? Absolutely! 😉
    On the other hand if we are writing intentionally to hurt someone that is a different story. We need to be careful there.

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  9. I think you’ve touched on a lot of my thoughts above, but I dont think this is as simple as yes or no.
    You mentioned motive, and for me that would be a biggie. Why do I want to tell this story? What am I trying to achieve. Sometimes the detail is required, but other times not so much. I had previously written a post that was quite personal but I realised I was actually offloading a lot of resentment towards that person. It was good for me to get it out, but it wasn’t necessary for my post. I think being able to make that distinction is important. Take time to reflect on the purpose of providing the story.

    There are a couple of situations currently that I’m considering using. One I think is maybe too close, but I’ll write it later, with a bit more distance. I think this aspect of writing is still new to me so maybe I can’t judge or maybe don’t yet have the confidence yet to write these stories, but I go with my instincts. More importantly, I look to what some of those contributing to your comments do/write in their stories. I guess I’m learning from the community

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    1. The community is a great resource for helping to figure out what to do. I’d say my motive is usually to tell a story that affected me. I find it’s good because when I’m in the middle I can’t always see the other side till it’s pointed out to me. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I post about this topic…maybe even one on motive…

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  10. All art is an imitation of life, dreams, visions, someone’s narration. So nobody owns a story and that’s why we are all similar in striving to live a peaceful and successful life. I don’t know whether I have answered your question or just got lost into my own thoughts.

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  11. I try to keep my posts less personal and more observational. But I think a part of that is because my blog was started to escape the real world so bringing too much reality in detracted from why I started. However, I have done a few personal posts and I always agonise over them the most. I want them to be perfect whereas ok is fine for others so I don’t think I could cope with the stress I add if I did a lot of personal posting

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  13. I’ve always been told to write about what you know. I used to write about my family more often, but after hubby and daughter expressly told me not to share, I honor their requests. Pretty much. 😁

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  14. I always ask the girls if they are okay with me sharing things, mostly pictures. I totally get not wanting an unflattering picture to be out there in the blogosphere. A lot of times I am more open on comments like this than on my blog.

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  16. I think anything, and anyone, is fair game. Case in point: my recent post about Daryl, my excessive-talking coworker.

    Having said that, when my parents visited last fall and ended up with Covid, they were not happy that I posted that on my blog. I apologized but didn’t take it down. I’m still not sure today whether I should have or not. If they’d insisted I would have obliged, but the whole thing blew over quickly.

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    1. As a writer I wonder if it is lack of spontaneity that we might object to- meaning the sense that we cannot write freely but always must be checking with others before we allow words to flow? I know that subjects that I would find inconsequential (as you noted sharing about having Covid) can be so negative and a huge no-no for others and then I begin wondering why they have those reactions? That leads me down any number of rabbit holes and probably confrontations as to why I’m being asked not to share… Apparently I have a hard time with censoring myself, but should I have to?

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      1. See…that’s my question…why should we have to censor ourselves to benign things. I get that I shouldn’t write where my friend buried the body, but really, the day to day stuff should be open game

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  17. I think we’re all fair game for one another’s fodder. I mean, do we get angry at visual artists who use real life for their art?

    I do think it’s important to differentiate (as you did) between telling someone else’s business as opposed to just talking about what they’ve done and how they’ve influenced your life, like your husband overbooking. I guess it’s a fine line.

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    1. I think it has to be a case by case, but yeah…if someone did something that makes me emotive, whatever the emotion is, it’s worth talking about. If I’m eavesdropping, then it’s fair game…if that makes sense

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  18. We tell stories we hope others can relate to — “This happened to me. Oh, that happened to you as well?” When someone else can relate, then whether good or bad, we’ve communicated in a way that goes beyond words. That’s what we really strive for, isn’t it? Not just communication but true understanding, a shared experience, a lesson learned, maybe? Sometimes this happens with something we think about and share, but it usually happens best when we can tell a story that involves an interaction between two or more people. That said, if I’m not sure someone I love and care about would be okay with sharing something that involves them, I usually ask their blessing first. That’s usually Lauren or David. I rarely use someone’s name (other than Lauren or David), especially if I think they would be embarrassed. I have written full-on gossip about someone who woke up in bed with their boss after getting blackout drunk the night before. Not my story, but you know what? I also didn’t use their name. Didn’t think (still don’t) that he’d ever even know I wrote this. I thought it was interesting/funny and haven’t we all made foolish mistakes? That’s part of being human. I got some really interesting and thought-provoking comments about that post. Of course, sometimes, we say something that hurts someone (hopefully, unintended) as I did this past week. My post this week is literally a mea culpa! The person I owed the apology to sent me a text and thanked me for doing so; however, she’s also glad I didn’t give her name or put in any embarrassing details. I wasn’t even sure she’d read it, but I’m glad she did. Mostly, I thought, man I screwed up and I owe my friend a major apology that goes much further than just saying I’m sorry. That’s why I wanted to give her a full, public apology. Back to your questions, though: I think that we really have to be careful about what we say and write because what might have once been socially okay (even if wasn’t great) can get us into a mess of trouble today. Mona

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    1. It’s a tricky balance, writing and having friends, because we can’t help but be propelled by our surroundings…but stuff happens….thanks for sharing this!

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  19. I am always asking my husband “Do you think I shared too much?” He just shrugs “No” but he hasn’t read my novel completely and soon of one of the characters dialogue is taken from his book! I wonder what he will think and if he will recognize them? I have also told a few friends (teachers) and relatives about my novel “The Bayou Heist” and realized that I ended up labeling the Hurricane as ‘Hurricane Sam” who is my nephew who gets involved in all sorts of scrapes in real time. Oh, well I write about what I know and if you recognize yourself, I will give you an autograph as you have given me fine material in the way of characters, I will tell my fellow teacher friends and family!

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      1. They are not but some of the dialogue or quotes which only my husband can say are but the character is not. Thanks for reading. Now available on kindle!! The Bayou Heist. I mostly use myself and parts of me, if that makes sense and a little embellish.

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  20. Every story has a start, an origination. If stories were never retold there would be no literature. The wanderings of Odysseus is a good example. Where would comedians be. Remember Alan King telling stories about his wife? I guess anything could be considered fair game. Nut you need to use common sense and discretion when repeating or embellishing them. That’s why I prefer writing about wine.

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  21. I don’t dare to share. Much to my chagrin, most successful blogs are mainstream musings and ain’t nothing wrong with that. But I’m going to brat about it anyway. Like WaywardSparkles offers above…”We tell stories we hope others can relate to…” and those others can relate to a whole lot…but a lot of that relatability comes from a common path….Mom, Dad, hearth, home, high school, college, career…boxes checked… vows exchanged…rug-rats resulting….

    is that a simplification….absolutely…Me… a simple kind of guy, who has lived a very complexed and convoluted life…it didn’t/ still doesn’t track with the norm. And when I dare shared some of those particulars the resulting, if any buzz, was to buzz off.

    When I first began to post on line I was excited to be able to tell my tale, without showing my ass.
    With reason, and slowly, and for the most part good cheer. But all of a sudden everybody had a damn journey. One’s “Journey” became ubiquitous. Even if it was just about noting mile markers on a well manicured path. Hell.

    Write what you want, and about who/whom you want. Just don’t be mean spirited.

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    1. The thing with mean spirited is how do you define it? I might make a statement and 20 people will think it’s just a share, and one person will think I’m horrible. Where does telling one’s story/truth intersect? If someone treated you horribly and you’re sad/bitter/angry about it, is it really mean spirited?

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  22. Mean spiritedness is a calculated faux self righteousness enlisted to belittle a person or persons and not address the actual error, disagreement, misunderstanding or problem.

    The grievance committed is not a result of a human glitch, incompetence or a bad day, but a masterplan of perpetrating a wrong.

    I can’t recall a mean spirited comment on this post. It’s why I hang here,…that and I’m being paid to keep a close eye on all you Manhattan types.

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  23. I think it’s okay to use what is in front of us for our posts as long as we tell it from our perspective and are careful not to harm anyone involved. There are certain topics and events in my life that I chose not to blog about, because it would be hurtful to the people involved, and also because I really am a private person. I always tell the truth in my blog, but I don’t always tell everything, you know? But all creative people use their environment as inspiration, I believe. What makes it uniquely ours is our interpretation.

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    1. I’m always honest, which I know makes some people uncomfortable…and I’m open to admitting how I feel about things, which also scares people, admittedly there are topics I won’t go near

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  24. It’s a tricky road to tread. I’m naturally open, Himself is naturally very closed & private. My daughter is more akin to Himself than to me, despite not being related. In addition, my work is all about confidentiality. Ever since I first trained as a counsellor, I’ve had to become accustomed to using only myself and my experiences to tell a story, without involving others who might play a key role. Occasionally I’m able to include more information when I talk about people who are strangers, or virtually so, and decidedly anonymous. I accept the limitations as those are the boundaries of people I love, or a business I’m passionate about.

    I did find it interesting to note that you don’t generally include your friends, whereas your husband and daughter are more acceptable blog fodder, whilst noting that you don’t share their secrets, only the day-to-day stuff. I wondered how you came to that decision? Not judging btw, just interested in the thought process you followed.

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    1. When my friends are telling me things it mostly doesn’t affect me as a person. Though occasionally if my friend does something stupid I’ll use it as a lesson. But the things my family does plays a part in my actual life…ten their decisions affect mine, so it’s fodder…

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  25. I totally LOVE this and your honesty! I blog personally, and I retell stories. It’s my blog, and I’m going to say how I feel, what I think about what happened, etc. However – I do change the names to allow people involved – their privacy of course. 🙂

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  26. Pingback: The Flub – Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

  27. I just saw this today. But my answer is yes, write about anything unless it was shared in confidence. Also no names or substitute names can be used. But I think writers need to be able to write freely. I don’t think you’ve ever crossed the line and over shared. I probably have. Lol I do know my youngest son signs a confidentiality form because he deals with actors. He can’t put things in writing etc. ironically on one movie he worked on a tabloid took photos with a long lense ( or whatever it’s called) of him with a particular actress he was directing and made it like they were an item. He called to tell me it was bogus so I didn’t think he’d be eloping. Lol. So much of what we read is fake. But you have control of your words in a blog or a book.

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