I know someone, an adult over 50 (who will be referred to as A), who wants to get tested because they are pretty sure that they are on the spectrum.

I asked why they wanted the diagnosis…how would it change their life if they definitively knew that they has autism?

A said that if they found out they were on the spectrum, they would no longer be a people pleaser.

Do we need a quantifiable reason to explain who we are and why we do the things that we do?

My first thought was- can’t you just stop being a people pleaser? Do you need a reason to say NO to someone? Do we need to say:

“I’m saying no to you because I have autism and it’s not good for mental well being to say yes to this request.”

Can’t we just say:

NO. I don’t feel like it, I don’t have the time, etc…

Do all of our actions need to be quantifiable to people other than ourselves?

Have we gotten to the stage where we worry more about what others think than how we treat ourselves?

Do you need to explain yourself to anybody for any reason?

Discuss

74 thoughts on “Own It”

  1. That’s one of the things I love about being “older”, I no longer feel the need to please others by doing things I don’t want to do. Too bad it takes us so long to figure that out.

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  2. It is easier to say no with a reason. It’s easier for me to say I can’t stay and do more at the barn on days when I have something going on than it is in days when I just want to go home. When you spend your life worrying more about what others want you get in he mode of never saying no and it’s hard to break.

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  3. Our society has become one of wanting a label to define themselves. For example, we cant’ find a job, we woke up and feel down, we had a passing in the family, someone hurt our feelings, the list goes on… These are now mental health issues. When we grew up it was called, “life.” Disclaimer, not trying to down play mental health; however, it’s clear that from a young age, kids need to be “taught” how to change their minds from feeling low to feeling happy. YES, I do believe there is a skill to this and it needs to be taught.

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    1. I don’t want to downplay mental health issues….but there are some issues that require more care, and if we all say we have mh issues, we will miss on who needs help the most

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  4. OK, you’re speaking my language. My ex-wife got an Australian doctor to diagnosis her with Autism. Not that her diagnosis would ever be accepted by physicians here, but she paid her 3 grand.

    When I work with children and adolescents, I tell them that neurodiversity or mental health challenges are not a reason for any emotion or behavior. I tell them that they’re brave to share their stories, and that I’m glad that they think that they’re making progress and building compensatory strategies to deal with things that make them different than their peers.

    Why would you want to lead with, “I’m Autistic?” I think therein lies the big question.

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  5. I appreciate and share TomBoy’s perspective…using a diagnosis to explain behavior gets complex quickly…and I’ve often found it unnecessary. Less is best. Thank you…no thank you. 😉

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    1. Of course, my husband has a friend who wants to know why you can’t do something. Oddly it’s the least quirky thing about him…so you probably get the picture…

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    2. Often when I say no I get the “look”. People don’t like to be told no. some really take offense. I say no while shaking my head yes. As far as providing an answer, only if they have a melt down.

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  7. To be clear, are we asking how okay it is to use a label to excuse or justify behavior? I don’t know of anyone who isn’t *something or other*. Diagnosed or otherwise folks will label us and we will label ourselves in some way. To use that- wait…to OVERUSE that… as a reason doesn’t seem justified. Also, I think you understand that I am speaking about all labels here, not just a specific one in a specific category…

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    1. I get what you’re saying, and yes…we all have something…it’s the overuse or it being an excuse that gets to be an issue. I am all for diagnosing and figuring things out, but it shouldn’t define us. It’s like Disney…if you had a doctors note you could get a pass to skip a line…but then everyone got doctors notes and Disney cancelled the policy so the people who truly 100% need help no longer have access…

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  8. What an interesting topic, LA! Over the last few years, I’ve suspected that I’m on the spectrum but, as you point out, a diagnosis wouldn’t change my life or behavior so I haven’t bothered. The possibility simply explains why some interactions *feel* challenging for me when they *look* easy for others, and encourages me to put in a bit more effort. I used to be the worst people-pleaser, pushover, and doormat. Eventually, that final straw landed and I said, “No more!” I don’t think we need a reason or justification to stand up for ourselves or say “no”.

    As a society, I do think that a majority of people worry more about others’ opinions than their own nowadays, and will use labels to justify bad behavior, claim victimhood, demand unreasonable accommodations, or simply feel “special”. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I also don’t know the solution.

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  9. I believe we have gotten to the point where we worry more because in some cases it affects our job. Changes in the work force in the public school arena made me very aware of topics I must not mention or even the weird things people do not want to talk about because they have taken some innocent things and made it into something weird. Unfortunately, this makes me shy away from being more outgoing with some as I am afraid of being misinterpreted and with good reason as it has happened. So much for live and let live. At some point, as you become mature and near the end of your working days, you must decide what you can endure and if so, for how long or just develop a very thick bs radar and go about your business. Enjoy the day!

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      1. Sure. You know, not everything needs or deserves an explanation.
        Them…”That would be fun, don’t you think?”
        Me…”Yes.”
        No explanation needed. But…
        Them…”That would be fun, don’t you think?”
        Me…”No. I don’t think so.”
        Them (almost immediately)…”Why not”

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    2. Thank you, JC! I feel the same way. I think I’m pretty good at empathizing with people, but I just don’t get the connection. Is this part of the woke movement where everything is about “me” and everyone has to accommodate “me” because I am special?

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  12. First of all, being on the spectrum wouldn’t be an excuse for anyone to act badly . As an educator I had countless students who came to me for gifted education ( the top one and two percent intellectually) and were on the autism spectrum. Some were barely communicable but could take exams brilliantly. They needed assistance with social interaction. Others had certain quirks ( one had pica where he are pencils, paper etc.) one was afraid of a vcr’s and cd players, but none of my former students acted inappropriately. They weren’t animals for goodness sakes. I think your friend is looking for an excuse for poor
    character flaws. I can be a ditz sometimes. Scatter brained . But I don’t have autism. I talk too much. I’m chatty. But I’m not on the spectrum. She’s looking for an excuse for things she doesn’t like about herself.

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  13. It is hard for my husband to say no to people. I’ve had to bail him out of a couple of scenarios where he had accepted two invitations for the same day and couldn’t possibly go to both but didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He is not capable of saying, “I can’t make it.” I don’t think he’d want to label himself autistic just to get out of doing something though. I mean, if there was some condition I had I’d want to know about it just for the sake of wanting to know but not to use it as an excuse.

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  14. I use to tell my children when they were small, “No is an answer just like yes. Sorry it wasn’t the answer you wanted”. Also, “no” is a complete answer. It’s also a complete sentence. No explanation is needed. When you respond “yes”, do you give an explanation for your answer?

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      1. I think as others, and you yourself said, behaviours are not that clear cut and one condition shouldn’t define who you are. It seems to me that A thinks the diagnosis is going to solve all her problems. I believe that anyone who really wishes to change a personality characteristic is able to do so if they really want to. This, to me, feels like an excuse.

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  17. In regard to the question- do I need to explain myself to someone when I choose to say no…I used to struggle a lot more in this department (people pleasing)..until I took a weekend workshop @ our local community college on assertiveness. It was the best $45 I ever spent. We covered something called the assertiveness bill of rights. I remember one of the items on the list had to do with saying no. Now I can chose to explain myself if I want to, but I absolutely do not have to if I don’t want to. The class really opened my eyes to manipulation. I realize I had a very toxic manipulative uncle that was using all sorts of mind games/ shaming, etc. etc. @ the time I was working for him and my dad. I came home and turned over a new leaf…both with the uncle, and my dad as well. I was no longer the compliant nephew he was used to bullying. Took a couple of situations before he got the message. And as Jane Fritz mentioned, as I have gotten older, that has also helped.

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  18. I’m a recovering people pleaser, sometimes I relapse, but for the most part I’m improving. I owe it all to aging, confidence, and deciding to please myself first, before giving it all away. This is such an important subject. I wish I understood this earlier in life. Hugs, C

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  19. Ooh how we long to be people pleasers! Its like the one quote I posted a while back. “Learn that “No” is a full sentence.” We don’t need to explain, but it really does make us feel better when we do explain. Makes us feel less guilty though we shouldn’t feel guilty in the first place!

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  20. Yes I am older. But I am doing everything ..cooking cleaning writing gardening . But other people are worrying in our neighborhood about us and they they don’t want to be together

    I found your site and let’s follow each other. Anita

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  22. For me, one of the best things about being over 50 is the ability to say, “no…because I don’t feel like it,” and going about my business without fretting day and night over it. Life’s too short to be cramming my life with things I don’t really want to do. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Loved this post. 😊

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      1. I should clarify that I don’t tell the person inviting me that I’m declining their event because “I don’t feel like going.” That would be unkind. But I’ll tell my husband behind closed doors that I’m not going somewhere because I don’t feel like going. 🙂

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  23. Sometimes it seems in search of a “diagnosis,” it’s really an excuse we can use for our behavior, quirks, whatever else. It can take the responsibility off us and make us seem like innocent victims to our diagnosis. I’ve personally experienced this with family members and friends. It’s kind of like, “I can’t help it because I’m (fill-in-the-blank).” We’ve lost touch with personal responsibility in so many ways, and I can’t help but feel like this can be a contributing reason.

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    1. Yes!! We’ve lost touch with personal responsibility and while I want people to acknowledge who they are, there still has to be some accountability

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      2. I was thinking of you as I was writing tuesdays post, as it’s about if we downplay intellectualism. I thought about what you said about Proust…

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  25. We don’t have to explain anything to anyone. I think context matters, so sharing some context is helpful, especially in a relationship, yet we don’t OWE it to anyone to do so. That is our choice. A simple no thank you is all that’s needed. In fact, sometimes, the more we say, the more there is to discuss, and if we are clear, there’s no discussion needed.

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  27. The question is: would a diagnosis be a reason…or an excuse? I just believe in being authentic and true to yourself regardless of whether you’re healthy, on the spectrum, or way out in La-la Land.

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