In the early days, we wish only for it (GRIEF) to end; later on, we fear that it will. And when it finally does begin to ease, it also does not, because at first, feeling better can feel like loss too…This type of circular mourning, the grieving of grief itself, is perfectly normal and possibly inevitable yet also misguided and useless. There is no honor in feeling awful and no betrayal in feeling better…it will never preserve anything about the person you mourn. Kathryn Schultz Lost & Found: A Memoir

Loss equals grieving: when you lose someone or something you love, you will grieve for it. Period.

But do we sometimes get stuck in the grief cycle because we feel bad about getting on with life?

Do we feel we are betraying the person or thing that we lost? (when I say thing I don’t mean glasses or keys- I mean a home or a business/job or something that was deeply personal and time and effort were put into it)

If your partner died, do you feel bad going on a date, taking the trip to Italy you’d talked about, or moving to a different city? Do you feel that you are betraying them by moving forward with things that they can no longer do?

While there is no timetable on grief, can we get stuck in not moving on because we feel like we shouldn’t ever enjoy ourselves ever again?

What do we think about the concept of grieving grief?

Discuss:

41 thoughts on “Grief”

  1. A TED talk with Nora McInerny discusses moving forward with grief rather than moving on from it. She talks about being the person that you are because of the things you’ve been through and the people you’ve loved. It changed the way I look at grief.

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  2. I personally believe that grief is something that stays with you forever. You learn how to live with it. It’s healthier to accept it as a piece of you instead of fighting against it. Once you get to acceptance, you stay there, but it doesn’t disappear. We learn to process it and carry it even if it’s hidden the majority of the time within our hearts.

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  3. I don’t wanna go first, but here….I found a way early to allow grief the narrowest of corridors. It was a necessity, given my circumstance. Every one around me was grieving. And grieving about that inability to really grieve. One had to be stoic. And I’m sorry, as I suspect this will go against the grain here, but that ability has served me well. Still does. Stay well.

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  4. I think people might feel that by letting go of the grief the person or time in life will be forgotten, that somehow their existence will be voided. And if that scenario happens, then what happens to them? If a parent dies and one lets go at some point does that void carry over to the living person? Like so many things our brains and emotions can send us down some scary and sad rabbit holes into darkness.

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      1. I understand the allowing all the what ifs to build and fear to take over and it’s not living at all. You exist yes, but at what cost. I know everyone grieves in different ways and for different times but I also think there’s a point one needs to move forward. If you can’t/won’t do that then perhaps you need help and guidance…

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  5. Such a thought-provoking post LA, and I wish I had some answers. I think, as has been said above, we all grieve in different ways, but from my experience, we grieve each loss we experience differently. I agree with those who’ve said we need to find a way to move forward that the losses shape us. We carry the memories and our love for those we grieve with us on our path forward. Its not easy and we each have to find our path, with or without external support.

    As a total aside, I really love the ‘teacher’ approach of saying ‘discuss’ l, it’s brilliant

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  7. Everybody’s situation and loss is different and everyone should take their own time to grieve. If a friend is grieving then we should check on them without being too pushy. And if we are grieving then a solo trip in nature is a good idea.

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  8. I’m pretty comfortable in the uncomfortable, but grief is a weird one. Some days it feels like a welcome warm hug from a friend, sometimes an unexpected, unwelcome shard of glass in the heart. But I’m gonna have to think on that one… “grieving grief”… hmm…

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  10. I’m struggling with this right now. Lost my mom in January last year and this year I am taking care of hubby’s mom. I feel grief that I could not do this for my own mom. Circumstances were different (mil has money and can afford the rent next door, my mom couldn’t have) but still, I miss my mommy.

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  11. I kind of think that grief never ends but rather cycles around. We good and bad days as we remember a loss. Bitterness gives way to sorrow which cycles back to bitterness. Why do we grieve at all? The loss of a loved one is never easy to take or to understand, but then, maybe it is not for us to understand. Everything is finite and we do have to deal with that. Grief is more a sign of respect, a show of affection for a lost loved one and it never ends. It never has to. But it should never define you.

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  12. We certainly need grief, as it is part of the grieving process. And then we move on – we have to. Grieving becomes sadness, but it no longer paralyses us. I’ve known people stuck in the grieving cycle and felt they needed something to jolt them out of it. The dead would want us to be able to get on with our lives and find happiness, surely?

    And, surely, we can only grieve people? We can lose things or opportunities, but they deserve no more than irritation or annoyance at their loss, not grief.

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    1. I think we can grieve objects sometimes even more than people. I know people who lost businesses that they devoted their lives to…this was a spectacular loss to them because it was them

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  15. I think it’s different for everyone. Some people are lost without their partner. My father grieved my mother’s loss for decades. He never got over it.
    It was quite challenging for me. But I was still working, I had a son in college, and I had a lot to keep me busy. My cousin lost her husband during the pandemic and it was terrible. She was separated from him when he passed and she can’t seem to get over it. It’s different for everyone.

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  16. My sister has wrestled with this very thing, in grieving the loss of her son. It feels wrong to carry on with life, but she knows it has to happen. Grief is more than just the loss of that individual. It’s mourning the loss of who you were before the death and perhaps in some ways, who you become afterward.

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  17. Hi all, I am currently grieving the lost of a partner, and I can tell you it is easy to get stuck. She passed away a year ago on April 23, 2022 and it is the hardest thing for me. I have noticed it interfering in my other relationships and I see how moving forward would be good for me, but for whatever reason I just can’t seem to. I start thinking of Alex and the things we use to do and the plans we had. It feels like to me that’s all I have left of her. My grief is what stepped into Alex’s place and temporarily filled that void. So if I started to move forward is that going to open that void again and how is that going to affect me?

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  18. I lost my mother on Mother’s Day. If the grieving didn’t come in waves, it would consume me. I am in the process of writing about this … it’s just really fresh and difficult for words right now … But I wrote plenty about this journey with my mama, just hard to accept the end.

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