Most parents would do anything to provide that kind (safe and secure) of life for their children…why my great grandparents sent their youngest daughter off to a new home a world away…I am alive today because both generations succeeded. Still I know that those successes, like all successes, were fragile and contingent. Experience teaches us nothing if not that all things parents seek for their children- safety, stability, happiness, opportunity- are neither equitably distributed not permanent conditions. Even if we are fortunate enough to have them in the first place, they, too, are susceptible to loss, liable to be swept away at any moment by forces far stronger than we are- stronger sometimes than whole peoples and nations. Kathryn Schultz- Lost & Found: A Memoir

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about a boy who ghosted his family when he went off to college. In comments I found an obvious divide- parents were sad, angry, etc that a child could do this to their parents, while non parents thought the parent totally overstepped their bounds.

So what’s at play here?

Are parents over protective? Are they controlling?

Should parents hang back more?

Or are parents just so afraid of something happening to the balance of their child’s safety, happiness, stability because they know how fragile all these things are?

When one becomes a parent, does their love for their children begin to rewire their brain? We’ve all heard the urban legend about a Mother lifting a car to save their child- About thirty years ago their was a mother cat who went back into a burning building like six times to save all her kittens- does the parental instinct just take over and override sense or logic?

Does every parent wake up each day and think about how their child is that day because they know how things can change in an instant?

Discuss:

56 thoughts on “Success?”

  1. Again, I think if my son did that, there would be way more behind the ghosting. I would have come to talk to him at a reasonable time of day and taken a walk. He and I have good connections walking the dog and sometimes when he is sitting in the passenger side of the car. There was much at play there, I am sure.

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      3. My son is BEYOND a handful. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been through with him for the past 5-years. He didn’t talk to my ex-wife for six-months and I can guarantee that some of that space was attributable to him not thinking that he had “good news” to report to her. Kids want to feel successful and connected as you’d written in your introduction to this post.

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  3. When I knew I wanted to be a parent I also knew that I wanted to be a better parent than mine were. That meant being a part of my kids lives, being connected with and to them in ways that I never experienced, and of course keeping them safe. I think all that came though because of what I learned I didn’t want to be as a parent- so environment- and personal choice. But are you hinting at over-parenting in this? Those parents who seem to have trouble recognizing their kids as individuals and competent- dare I say controlling parents?

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    1. I wasn’t thinking that way, but now I’ll overthink it. I was thinking more of parents being so scared of their child’s well-being they become irrational because they know things can change in an instant

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      1. Okay, that makes sense! I didn’t want to ramble on off topic 😉 No need to overthink- that can be another discussion entirely. So- I think there are those parents- but I wonder if they would be that way even without children? I think more people deal with anxiety over so many aspects of life- more than they or their circle realize. Having kids is an outward manifestation of that general terror for them because it’s another thing entirely to be responsible for someone else. Will they hover, over protect, control even- maybe and the interesting thing then is what impact on the kids- ie: your college issue post. Did that kid just finally see freedom for the first time…or ? But if outsiders don’t know the whole story then who are they to judge?

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      2. 😉I thought it was interesting that parents and non parents viewed this very differently…and it made me wonder about what happens when we become parents…does the need to protect just take over? But yes…I think some people have total anxiety and freak over anything…thanks for reminding me I need to call my mom…😆

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      3. Glad to help! I will just add that I am 50/50 on the natural instinct of parenting versus learned behavior in this situation. Not everyone rushes into full on protection mode, even though TV and movie drama want us to think so 😉

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  4. I find that my fears are that, mine. There’s no truth to them, just pain. A feeling. I want my children to not learn my fears but be aware of themselves. I can’t be there all the time, my children learned how to make decisions and fully think them out by themselves. That’s how I learned to parent, my kids let me know what they needed. I learned from them💖

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  5. I definitely think that becoming a parent changes the wiring of the brain. I think there might be a tipping point in the parenting journey. Right now my kids are small and our problems are small. I don’t typically worry about them during the day because they stay where I left them. I can see that the future holds a time where that may not be the case… 🙂

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  6. Right before our oldest went to college there was story from the University of Virginia about a female who went off to school and soon went missing. I don’t know how we got talking about it, but my daughter and us came to an agreement. We didn’t expect her to call us everyday. Or even every week, but let’s be sure to text or email every 3 to 5 days, let us know that everything was alright. That’s worked well with all of my kids. I find that creating those general rules has worked wonders, they tend to actually share more than I expected they would. We somehow become their mental health oasis. Now this is the sarcastic side of me: something else that has helped, especially the boys, showing them the funny YouTube videos of mothers who’ve gone to campus in search of their ghosted sons or daughters. We would never do that . . . but you never know. Ha, ah.

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  7. I have step children, as you know. Often I find myself worrying about them and about the grandchildren. When they came into my life, they were teens and it was hard to connect with them but through the years we have come to understand and appreciate one another. Through the eyes of the grandchildren, the generation is so different with work expectations, life expectations, etc. but there are a few of the grandchildren who are more similar to me and our expectations (the husband and I), and I realize they are being raised well. I do worry about them but what I see is that they have their feet on the ground.

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  8. I make a determined effort not to think of my children everyday – it would not be good for my blood pressure. The youngest is heading off to India for three years and I have to hold on to the thought that she has been raised to be an independent, resilient, and strong child.

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  9. I don’t think parents lose all sense and logic, but I believe they do look at things very differently compared to before they had kids. Possibly, parents are more apt to wake up thinking/wondering about how their child is doing if there have been recent problems or specific challenges discussed.

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  11. I do think a parent’s mind rewires itsslf when you have a tiny life you are responsible for. But yet, maybe not. For if it does why are there neglectful parent’s out there?

    I do think about my kids every day and probably worry too much. But my kids have extra challenges too, so I think that is part of it. Plus, I lost my brother when I was 13 years old. I know how quickly life can change. I know the harsh reality of how your loved one can walk out the door and you never see them again. I don’t feel controlled by that fear but I can’t deny that its there.

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  12. I think about my daughters every day, even though they are now young adults. My older daughter no longer lives with us, and we may go several days without being in contact but I definitely think about her daily. When she travels, especially alone, I worry about her and she does make more of an effort to keep in touch and let me know what she’s up to.

    The younger one still lives here and doesn’t go far but I still worry about her when she’s driving…especially in winter.

    So, yes, I suppose becoming a parent does rewire you to be concerned about your kids’ wellbeing.

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  13. My wiring definitely changed when I became a parent. But I think even moreso when my sister lost her 26-year-old son last year. My kids seem to get it…they’re more tolerant of my “momming ways.” While I think it’s possible to be overbearing as a parent, I also know that life is short and sometimes it’s cut short. So I’d rather be faulted for being “too much” than “not enough.” Of course it’s important to not be overboard in parenting, but showing care and concern should be expected and frankly, appreciated. There’s lots of people who would have loved to have parents that care too much.

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  14. I can only speak for what has gone on in my head as a dad. I knew I wanted to be more present in my kids lives than my dad., (he was a workaholic up until I was in my 40’s so no emotional connection. what so ever. Not until my mom had a run in w/ cancer, then that changed the family dynamics. (his especially)..so I wanted to be more nurturing and present than him, have to give him credit, he did make a concerted effort to build relationships w/ his adult children…long story short, I have always had as my focus as a dad to 4 kids to work myself out of a job…train them to be able to function in this world on their own. it is almost counter intuitive emotionally, the part of me that wanted to cling, (over protective, or needy) I never gave it an inch of ground in my heart. Now that they are all adults with families of their own, I see 4 beautiful, caring, others centered adults, that really do try to stay in touch with us their parents. I am a very thankful blessed dad and I know it. Not sure if this answers your question…

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  15. All great questions and I think when you have a child your brain does become rewired. I try very hard not to be overprotective and controlling, so I mostly worry in silence (also not good). You’d think when they become adults we wouldn’t do these things.

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  16. Personally I would hope that parents do think and act as you described. Being a parent requires love, emotion and caring. It also requires stamina and a willingness to let your children grow and go. My own feeling is that when my sons and their wives no longer need me for one thing or another, my time here is up.

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  17. I think parenting is one of those things that you don’t really understand until you experience it. One of my sisters has a child, the other doesn’t. And the difference in their attitudes toward children is huge!

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  19. There’s such a fine line between “caring about your children” and “thinking about them all day.” I know many will disagree, but I think if you’re thinking about anyone all day, then there is an unresolved problem of some sort.

    I also believe we’ve (society) created this forever type of connection that meanders over to the codependent side a bit. To me, it is natural for people to turn into adults, go their own way, and maintain healthy connection with their parents. We’ve kinda blurred the lines, though, in terms of what it means to “become an adult,” and sometimes, the parent and child don’t even agree to what that could be or look like.

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    1. How do we draw the line between what is a healthy relationship between parent and child and unhealthy? I know I spend very little time with my mother because she can’t accept me as an adult making decisions…lazy week she called and said “tell your daughter not to….” And I cut her off and told her that I don’t give unsolicited advice to a 21 year old. Some parents think it’s their right to dictate what children should do as adults

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