Last week I wrote about my daughter debating spending her gap years in the Peace Corp.https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2023/03/14/togo-or-not-togo/

Last fall, as she debated this choice, she spoke to different people to try to get different perspectives. After discussing the issue, she found there were four distinct types of responses:

On the plus side:

  1. Wow- How awesome. You go abroad to help people
  2. Wow- How awesome. What an experience and opportunity you will have.

On the not so plus side:

  1. Why would you want to do that? It’s so foreign.
  2. What makes you think you should go to another country and try to “fix” them. Do you think you are better than them? Do you think they are incapable of taking care of themselves? Why do you know better than them?

If you were talking to my daughter about this situation, which side would you be on, plus or minus? What would be your reasoning?

I’m going to swing it around a little bit. My daughter decided to work with an organization that teaches children in typically underserved and lower income neighborhoods. She will be a classroom teacher.

She has gotten some not so nice comments about this choice as well. My daughter is not an education major- so she has gotten comments about why she thinks she will be able to teach a classroom of children.

She has gotten grief because the commitment is for two years- can she really make an impact knowing there is a deadline to her commitment?

She has also gotten grief because as a middle class, white woman, what does she know about teaching children that are probably not going to be like her. How can she possibly teach children of a different background.

Where do you fall in this discussion? What do you think about organizations that partner with schools to bring in people to teach for a short period of time?

Pick any or all of this and discuss:

Have we made helping others a negative?

Are we supposed to only help those who are exactly like us?

Discuss

89 thoughts on “Do You Belong”

  2. I’m very happy to say that I don’t know anyone personally who would respond anything but positively to either/both of your daughter’s choices. It is that negative “other” attitude that helps keep the world in the mess it’s in.

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    1. Theoretically I can understand the negative point of view….but realistically…how is working to serve for good a bad thing? Shouldn’t we all try to help others if we have the proper skill set?

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  4. I’m biased…wired for service and I cannot fathom when, why or how helping others would ever be construed as a ‘bad thing’…and were that the case, I think I’d distance myself from those voices.

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      3. I don’t know. My only guess — based on some rough interactions with some high-achieving clients is the hoped-for outcomes of making money, money, money and some are unable to conceive of service because it means less income, less status. I know every situation is different, but that answer “fits” in some of the scenarios I’ve seen.

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      8. In response to Victoria’s comment about money: I think you are right on target. In our culture so many people have made themselves a god. Everything is centered around them–their needs, wants, feelings, etc. There is much positive to be said about helping others and considering their needs. Many have found that when you give from an open heart, you also receive so many blessings.

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  5. I think your daughters choices are her choices and perhaps people should simply say “Have a great gap experience” and leave it at that. Given my POV on socially relevant topics I honestly can see why people will react so differently to her decision… They are using their familial and learned experiences and putting forth a perspective that seems valid to them, and honestly LA, the questions you raise for discussion are valid aspects of this type of service work that perhaps should be asked and explored. For a start: What WAS and now IS the purpose of these orgs? Is their mission the same now as it was in the 1970’s? Is there an underlying message that may be just as important as what is portrayed on the surface? I won’t tap every point, but I think you see there are two sides here. My greater frustration would be the folks making comments that cannot have a reasonable and deep discussion about these “concerns” they voice. Yes, they have their personal opinions, but are they willing to sit with daughter and delve into why as well as open that channel to communication?

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    1. I told Jane that theoretically o understand the dissenting voices…there are valid points to those arguments. But like you said…unless we want to unravel the wool and discuss it from casting on, is it fair to criticize? We should be working towards solid solutions, but a dissenting voice without forethought is lost

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      1. Is it fair- of course not! I’m not sure expecting fairness should even be considered in life situations today and I would go so far as to say that the word fair needs to be erased. To be fair is to be impartial, to avoid showing favoritism or discrimination. I often have to wonder just how impartial in general our social structures and people are.

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  6. I think the people that have so much to say about other people’s life choices should pipe down. Especially for bright and earnest college grads like your daughter who clearly has a lot of options available to her – it must be overwhelming to have to hear other people’s opinions and make it so much harder to find and follow her path. Her intent is to be helpful to others and I’m sure she will be with the option she’s chosen so everyone, especially those outside her trusted circle of advisors, can stop opining.

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    1. It does make her question her motives…she really wants to understand why kids in public schools have vastly different experiences, and end up in education law, but when you hear so much about savior complex, how do you not question yourself?

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      1. Well put, LA. It seems especially rampant with 20-somethings that people feel free to jump in and tell them what they think. And as you said, of course it makes them question themselves. I think you could just as easily call it a “heart of service.”

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      2. 👍👍and yes….kids (and adults) making statements that they can’t/won’t back up and if you question their statement, they say that you don’t want another opinion…

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  7. I like the option she chose, although I think the Peace Corps is an awesome choice. 😉

    As a moderate thinker, I’m not in a camp of whether or not the issue is service so much as whether my offspring would be in a safe-enough environment. Naïvety abounds with many in the world; on the subject of what really helps others, what those in power do in areas without much structure, and whether the service-worker can handle the service s/he assumes s/he can.

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  8. I would be on the positive for both. Going abroad to live and work for a year or two is a very enriching and rewarding opportunity and she would get so much out of the experience. However I would caution that she needs to think carefully about what she will be doing, what the life will be like and what she’d be doing. Many people going abroad for the first time struggle being in a different environment, different culture. So I’d encourage her to familiarise herself with the culture she’ll be adapting to.

    As for what she is going to do. I’d want to know why she’s doing this. What does she want to gain from the experience. Coming from a different background could be enriching and teach her to be more tolerant, understanding and compassionate of difference. It also let’s her see that life is not the same everywhere – but either experience would provide that in different ways.

    I think the key thing is not to agree or disagree with her choice, but to help her ensure she makes the right one for her.

    But then again, I spent a year abroad during my studies and people were making comments like ‘oh you’re very brave ‘ because I wasn’t a teenager, or others couldn’t understand how I could leave my husband for a year – or that he was letting me do that (20 years ago – well 23 to be exact)

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    1. Her goal is education law. She became interested in this after taking an undergraduate class about learning. First day of class teacher asked who went to public vs private school. Teacher then asked if they thought they got a good education, my daughter, straight through nyc public school raised her hand that she felt she got a great education. No other public school kid said that, even others who attended public school in nyc. She became intrigued with the why is that so. So she wants to make sure children receive the same quality of education regardless of where they live or other social factors.

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      2. Thank you! I applaud her curiosity and looking to find answers to things she doesn’t understand. I’d like to say I modeled that behavior, but we’ll really…she’s smarter and a better person than I am…

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  9. I think it sounds like a wonderful experience. But it’s her choice, certainly.

    At her age I don’t know if I would have been mature enough to commit to anything for two years. However, it’s absurd that people these days are so negative about the choices others make. It was considered rather a noble commitment after college for young people to volunteer their time to help others when I was young. I guess now people are more self centered and don’t do that as much as they did in the past.

    Since I graduated college early because I got married while still in school, I needed to work to have $$$ to pay for my husband and my apartment while he was working on his MFA. So I started teaching school right away.. But in today’s world, girls are less pressured to marry young, so I believe young people have more opportunities to help and can explore their many options.

    Your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and can decide how and what she’d like to do after graduation. I would trust her decisions.

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  10. Welcome to critical theory! And good for your daughter for not falling into it in college, or she would not be doing what’s she’s doing, helping others. As to the question, if the ‘less fortunate’ could help themselves, they would. I do think it’s important to never think people with more money or a higher standard of living are in any way ‘superior’ to those who don’t have those things. But you do often find that kind of thing in social justice circles. And, sadly, even missionaries often treated people like they were less than human. So the key is to ‘help’ with respect and dignity and with the goal of enabling them to take over self-governing ASAP.

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      1. I might say that an individual should consider all resources open to them when learning about society and how it is structured both historically and currently. Liberal arts colleges play key roles in building those resources and allow individuals to look outward but also inward at their value systems and beliefs. I’m sure your daughter was exposed to varied ideas and has used that knowledge to begin to form her identity as well as in making this major decision. Choosing to “help” both others and herself in reaching her future goals surely comes from a broad viewpoint with considerations about both a personal impact as well as on a social level. I think the concept that helping others will bring about autonomy may or may not be correct. Perhaps the goal is simply to learn from each other/group and share what is similar, not focus on what is different or how to make someone better…

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  11. That’s wonderful! My husband Nate was in the Peace Corps in the Fiji Islands. He taught accounting and math and absolutely loved his time there. For him, it wasn’t just about “helping” people–it was about forming long-lasting and authentic friendships, which has a powerful way of reshaping your entire worldview.

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  12. Unfortunately in the world we live, there are idealists (fortunately) and also the reality that is some of these very tough schools there will be kids who might question her intent, also or be ready to presume as some may carry the attitude of the parents and the neighborhood. Working in education is not easy but it is eye opening and if you are lucky, you will meet some good fellow teachers and some good students. Have a thick skin and don’t take it personally. No matter what you do know some will always criticize you or find fault. Do the best you can and learn as much as you can. Know in the end that you are a visitor, taking a gap year. Enjoy.

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  13. People should support your daughter’s choice and not criticize. Who do they think they are! My son worked for three or four months in a very rough high school as a long term substitute in English. He tried to make a difference and he had a few students who were thriving. Most would not pay attention or do any work. A teacher who was mentoring him, told him to use detention to get their attention. He also tried calling the parents, but they told him the kids were his problem. One day a popular counselor walked into the classroom and told the students they didn’t have to go to detention and also not to pay attention to Mr. Wickham (my son.) That was the end for him. I hope you daughter succeeds and has the support she will need within the school.

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  14. I wonder about the ages of the people she talked to. Were the younger ones (her peers) the ones telling her it’s a good experience and the older ones telling her the negative sides? My initial response would probably be something like, “I can’t see myself doing it but if it is something you want to do, go for it.” Given that I know a little about her from you, I know that she would definitely do a lot of research on the subject before making a commitment like that.

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  15. Joining the peace corp is a great thing to do. But, it is not for everybody, as teaching, nursing…are not universal callings. I probably would have just told your daughter that joining up is great. If/when she changed her mind it would have been for her own reasons, and maybe she needs to hear that too. Advice, criticism or whatever she was made to endure from someone who decided to judge her, well, just take it from where it comes. At least she considered it. That’s a whole lot more than some other people have done. I’ll say it again though, and I mean it…you did a good job with her. I’m sure you had your moments, but in all, you have something to be proud of. She does too.

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  16. I suspect this may have started with genuine concern about white saviour attitude to poor third world countries. Especially as it often comes with a ‘do it our way mentality’ and a genuine empathy and lack of cultural understanding. Forty years ago, I worked with a guy who set up a company to source, design and fund the type of tools & equipment which was suitable for use in poor, rural populations – things which didn’t require constant electricity, or complex equipment to diagnose electrical engineering problems. Too often top of the line equipment is delivered which quickly lies unusable as there aren’t the skills to run or maintain them.

    That said, it’s spun into something quite different, and now seems to be about putting people down, and about presuming anyone trying to help is somehow virtue signalling.

    In other words, like much, it had good roots, but got hijacked somewhere along the way.

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  17. There’s always a naysayer to try and bring others down. Speaking on something we know nothing about or even if we do, projecting our experience on someone else is nauseating. I’ve found it’s best to keep major life decisions to a small group of people. Unless one has the ability to tactfully reply (and I don’t). Honestly, we can have opinions all day but they’re not necessarily right.

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  18. So many well thought out comments here. Your daughter seems to be a well-balanced young woman perfectly able to make her own decision and I applaud her for that. No negative comments from me only positive. I hope she enjoys her two years spent in that particular environment and she will certainly learn much from the experience.

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  19. As a parent in this season of life, “I love you and I support you” is always my proper response. I would also include some questions:

    How can I support you further?

    What do you hope to gain/learn from this?

    What’s the worst that could happen? Are you prepared (as you can be) to walk through that, if it does happen?

    What’s the best that could happen? How might that impact you and others?

    And then I’d bookend those questions with “I love you and I support your decision”.

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  20. Here’s my critical theory of this tête-à-tête. What’s the beef? Given her desire and interest in practicing educational law, this move… to actually spend time in the classroom with students, is a brilliant and quintessential intersectional play. Doing some good while preparing to do well is a move that shows she’s thought this out and is willing to play the long game.

    That’s all I got. Except to say the story you related about how she came to want to litigate education griefs and briefs was telling, and, via you, well told.

    Peace Out.

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    1. Thank you. I’m proud of her curiosity and interest in solving something she thinks can be better. As part of her minor she observed a classroom of second graders for a semester. She thinks you have to be there to figure out where the system breaks down or excels….

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  21. I’d offer #2 on the positive. I have met people whom you must have also met because your #2 on the negative is exactly the crap I’ve heard from people when I was associated with organizations who intended to help. I heard this when helping domestic groups. My experience has been most people in need appreciate the help when you treat them with respect and as people.

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    1. Yes. Help doesn’t mean you know better…help means asking what you can do to assist them that would be a benefit. It might be helping to write a grant proposal for solar panels, or digging for getting water, or whatever.

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  23. My response would be “how wonderful! I’m happy for you!” Because honestly, how your daughter chooses to spend her gap year (s) is no one else’s business, so I wouldn’t dream of making a judgmental comment. (And honestly, I wouldn’t even be thinking that she thought she was better than those she was trying to help, or that people can learn from someone who is a different color/sex/class, etc. from them.) But my main reaction to this post was, “why don’t people just mind their own business?”

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  25. I find it amazing that on her gap year she has chosen to help others instead of throwing on a backpack and touring Europe for a year. She’s made a conscious choices to help others with the knowledge and skills she has acquired in college. I think that admirable in and of itself. Maybe her decision to try and give back to communities that are struggling ignites some guilt in the critics who made choices that were based on their own self-interest. Who knows? I say follow your own instincts. Hugs, C

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  28. I can relate a little as an observer to this question. My daughter spent a year in the Peace Corps, before being pulled out at the height of the pandemic. She got some of the same questions. I never understood people’s deep feelings on the question. She felt that she wanted to serve, why would anyone else have such strong feelings one way or another, be happy for her and move on. Good luck to your daughter. It’s wonderful that she’s trying to help others!

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    1. In theory, I can understand someone asking if you’re trying to make someone adapt to western capitalist views, etc. but in reality, it’s digging trenches and teaching math and repairing housing or whatever people need help with. Too much negativity

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  29. Is this for Teach for America? If so, then there is a lot of criticism about the organization’s motives, specifically the short period of time; it tends to create attrition, which isn’t good for the field.

    As a teacher educator, I know that the demographic of the teaching field is predominantly white and female; this has caused problems that I cannot flesh out here, but also, who else is gonna teach the children if no one else wants to?

    Finally, as a teacher educator, I’m absolutely against people who teach temporarily w/o credentials. It kinda weakens the field and those who have chosen to be degreed professionals. But again, who else is gonna teach the children if no one else wants to?

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    1. Yes. TFA. But that’s sort of my thing. I agree that there are issues…and yes, I get the criticism. It’s understandable. But realistically, if someone is willing to teach…

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      3. She’s taking a gap two. Her eventual goal is education law…her minor is education inquiry and justice and she’s very interested in why some public school educations are great, and why others aren’t. She went through nyc public schools and feels she got a great education but realized not everyone who went through nyc public didn’t feel the same. She wants to know why. She figures being on the ground up could maybe shed some light.

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