I was at book club a few months ago. I don’t remember what book we had read, but it was something about relationships. One of the members ended the discussion with:

Women should find their spouses/partners while they are in college, because if they don’t they’ll never meet anyone. You have to meet people when you’re young.

What do you think I did when I heard that?

If you answered:

  1. Mouth dropped open
  2. was shockingly speechless for a moment
  3. stared in disbelief for a good two minutes
  4. Just said No No No a few times
  5. said that love or relationships just don’t work like that

You would be pretty close to correct…

That’s how I responded.

How would you respond to that statement?

Do you agree?

Disagree?

Tell me how you feel about that statement…

Do you think you should partner up when you’re young?

Discuss:

93 thoughts on “While You’re Young”

  3. Ummmm that would be one big fat sloppy no! Most men need until they are in their twenties or older to man up. We also should experience life to its fullest before commiting to one person. Don’t rush, enjoy the process.

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    1. That was my first thought…I live in a neighborhood that borders an area where lots of kids move to right out of college…trust me…these young men are not even close to being mature enough to marry

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  4. What past century is that person living in? I’m rather surprised they even thought to allow a woman to partake in the college experience at all. Why not marry at 16- maybe an arranged marriage just to be safe and get that man as early as possible… WOW!

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    1. I’m telling you this was the first time I really couldn’t get out a coherent sentence. Floored I tell you. Now, this woman is older and never married, so that’s her perspective, but I was dumbfounded

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  5. I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a moment. Evolutionarily, women are most physically attractive at age 19-21, with attractiveness tapering off with age. So, I would argue that it’s *easier* for women to find a partner when they’re young, fit, and fertile. I suspect that’s where the member of your book club was coming from.

    However, the reality is many college-aged men are immature, and I certainly wasn’t interested in my peers at that age. Further, *good men* are looking for inner beauty, which grows and blossoms with age and experience. So, I think the smart, kindhearted women will always have a dating pool of like men available to them, while the more superficial women who focus solely on physical attractiveness will have a harder time securing a mate later in life.

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    1. I don’t know many people looking to settle down at 21. You don’t even know who you are yet, nor what you want out of life. While I know people who married early and have wonderful relationships, I know a lot who divorced. It depends on expectations.

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      1. Yes, I completely agree. At that age, a relationship was the least of my worries, and I had no idea who I was or what I was looking for. Yet, even just 10 years ago, I dozens of young women who were attending college to get their MRS. Not my cup of tea, that’s for sure.

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    3. Sorry Esoterica I disagree. I think women in their 40’s and 50’s are at the height of their physical beauty! I modeled in my teens and 20’s. Sure, I was very pretty and photogenic. But based on my pictures through the years there was definitely an inner beauty that far exceeded the pretty that existed in my youth. Beauty is relative anyway. We all have gone out with a handsome guy and if he had zero personality he suddenly became less attractive. Beautiful is so much more than an exterior shell. I’m 73 and have cancer. I still consider myself an attractive woman no matter what my age is. . If I chose to I could get married in a heartbeat. Even with cancer lol. Most men do not notice a woman’s flaws. So It’s not about youth or age. People carry a vibe. We have our intellect, our interests, our ability to carry on a conversation, and a million other dynamics that figure into the mix. If all someone has is a shallow perception of their looks then there’s not very much to their character. No offense to the Victoria Secrets models but id rather have met RBG or HRC and Golda Meir. BTW, I did meet Hillary when she was running in 2016 and in person she happens to be quite pretty. A beautiful creamy complexion and she was slim in person. She doesn’t photograph as pretty as she is in person. So beautiful is a rather outdated, sexiest concept. Women are so much more than their physical presence. I disagree that age affects beauty. Each decade has its own version of beautiful. We women have spent decades developing our entire selves and our looks are not to be measured in years. We need to get over these archaic outdated ideas.

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      1. I am in complete agreement, Lesley. I also believe that a woman’s beauty is enhanced with passing year. My background in biology and I worked on a research project looking at attraction so my comment was based on purely those statistical data points, just to give an alternate perspective to maybe understand where the original comment came from. I will add the caveat that our research was purely physical–none of the intellect, discussion, and other dynamics that make us unique individuals. Appearances ultimately have little bearing on deep connection in interpersonal relationships, and I don’t think the “average” man represents the creme de la creme who are looking for substance. “Each decade has its own version of beautiful.” I love this and I can sense your radiant beauty through your words. I feel more beautiful now that a decade or two ago–and my partner has expressed the same, and I think comes from the confidence of experience and learning to not only accept, but love, our imperfections. Sending you lots of love and healing energy, my dear!

        Liked by 2 people

  6. I think you should partner up when the time is right for you. It might be in college or high school, it might be at age 40 when you meet someone with similar interests. I think the idea that there is one perfect time to find a significant other is a bit antiquated. That being said, I’ll admit that I met my husband in college so I could be used as an example to prove the point.

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  10. The person who said it has remained single? Clearly it’s coloured her perspective that because she didn’t meet her partner in college, she inevitably missed out forever. For some people, life is only that as lived through their own lens of experience.

    I didn’t get my act together till I was nearing 40, and didn’t meet my “big love” till after my 50th birthday. It’s never too late for love.

    That said, my daughter met her husband (and love of her life) when they were both 13, and have dated on & off since they were 15, which only goes to prove that there are no rules when it comes to love.

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      1. So if she had married at 21, was now in your book club do you wonder what her comment might have been? I DO! So back to the perspectives and biases we all carry…

        Liked by 1 person

  11. My wife and I got married during semester break of our sophomore year in college. We grew up together – are still growing up together. We’re now enjoying our empty nest years with 30+ years together, and even chose to take on living with and caring for both of our widowed parents – her mom, my dad – in the same household, no less. It’s unconventional, and awkward at times, but we’re glad we can do it. If we’d waited until later in life to get married, it’s unlikely we would be in this unique position.

    Through the years, we (I, especially) made a lot of blunders, and we had our share of hardship. As our kids were growing up, we endeavored to be honest with them about how hard it could be to marry young, and told them we wouldn’t necessarily recommend it. But as it turns out, our son got engaged as a freshman in college, and then he and his wife were married during semester break their sophomore year. Two years later, our daughter began dating a young man as a freshman, got engaged at the beginning of her sophomore year and…yeah, you guessed it… got married during semester break. Both couples are doing really well so far (4 years and 2 years in) and say they wouldn’t have it any other way. Will they have difficulties? Sure. They already have. But they’ve chosen to weather life together, and as much as we did not recommend it, we choose to be supportive of them. That’s really the only right choice for us as their parents.

    Right now, I know of a handful of young people who are now past the college years and had hoped to find a suitable mate by this point in their lives, but have not. They all tell me it’s not getting easier, but rather more difficult with each passing year. I do not envy them in the least, and I’m concerned for them. They are statistically part of a growing segment of our population. I do not see this as a positive situation.

    So, while maybe it’s not the popular answer in our culture, or even the easy way to do it (if there is such a thing), I do think there’s something to be said for finding love early and sticking with it, and it’s sad to see so many young people who really desire to have a healthy relationship yet can’t seem to successfully navigate that process. No, the point of college is certainly not meant to be about finding a mate. But, those are some of the easiest times to do so.

    Also, as people put off getting married until later in life, they are less likely to have the chance to see their grandchildren grow up, or to be any real part of their lives. I find that sad. This devalues family, and not just family but the position and purpose of elders in our lives. After all, we hardly call them elders any more, but rather just “elderly” (aka useless old people). But maybe I digress? I don’t think so, though…

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    1. There’s no guarantee that you will be a grandparent because your kids might not want kids. I don’t think that’s a reason to be married early. I admit my daughter didn’t have a boyfriend during college. She’s been able to focus on grades and internships and experiences that are helping her figure out who she is and what she wants to be. That being said, if someone gets married early and they’re content and they figure out their path that’s awesome. But I don’t think the objective of college should be partnering up. It should be getting an education in things you don’t know whether scholastic or otherwise

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      1. Let’s be real, grandkids were *not* on my mind as a 19yo college sophomore… 🤣

        My reasons had nothing to do with… reason. But through marriage, I have learned a lot of things I didn’t know… I’m still learning. And I’m grateful.

        Liked by 2 people

  13. It must be an older person who said that. When I went to college orientation with my daughter, we had a special parents session. We were told that children these days mature years later than in previous generations. Instead of 18 to 21 it’s around 25 and older.

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    2. EA you may not realize it, but your comments are agist! I’m in my 70’s and I would never Say that if you don’t meet someone in your youth you’ll never get married. That’s just as ridiculous as assuming the person was older. While some values are generational, my generation (the hippies from the 1960’s) are all in our 70’s now. You underestimate women in their 60’s and 70’s. And most of my friends have had multiple husbands. Lol I think percentage wise the data would indicate that women of my generation who are currently now groovy grannies were once those beautiful Woodstock flower children dancing topless in the rain while Jimi Hendrix played the Star spangled banner on his guitar with his teeth. You have it all wrong about my generation. We were never uncool!

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  14. This makes me feel slimy all over. Like I need to shake my whole body to try to get it off. Trying to find the positive, it is true that there is more exposure to a variety of people in college. We have talked on your blog about the difficulties of meeting people for the purpose of dating in our current society. Now, to be real, her statement was absurd and wrong on so many levels. I doubt if she is a very happy person.

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  15. I met my wife in a grocery store after college. Can’t say there were any women in college I wanted to marry or have a long term relationship with. As I’m sure they would have said the same about me.

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  18. My response would have been exactly the same as yours! What the heck! I met my husband in my mid-twenties and got married when I was 30 and we’re still married almost 30 years later. Pretty much everyone I know who did marry their high school or college sweetheart ended up divorced. I rest my case.

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  19. Good heavens!! You partner up, as you put it, when the right partner comes along. A man I grew up with married for the first time at age 60. His wife had children and grandchildren that enriched his life greatly. What a great time he would have missed if he’d gotten married at the “proper” time!

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    1. I think people were surprised but I don’t think anyone was an flabbergasted as I was. The book was a ya book, and it talked about how the 18 year old had met a woman and lost her, and 30 years later he hadn’t been able to commit to another woman because he was still in love. And then this conversation. Continued

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  21. I guess you can find someone at any age but you must be ready to commit. If the goal were to get married, have kids, settle down…you settle but if you are on some kind of challenge for yourself with goals and a career-you wait.

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  25. I agree with a lot of what’s been said. This attitude is very out of touch and old fashioned. I agree, timing will be different for everyone and you do what’s right for you. My other concern would be that if some young people feel pressured to fit into an arbitrary timescale, they may make bad choices

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  26. Nope! While it’s easier to meet people when you are young, simply because you are normally in more social settings like college where there are larger groups of young people, it’s not always the best time to meet and get married. I met and married my first husband while in college. That marriage barely lasted 5 years. We did have a fabulous son, but my first husband and I were way too immature to be married at 20. I married my second husband in my 30’s and that marriage lasted a quarter of a century, until he passed from pancreatic cancer. I met him when he was getting his masters degree and was substitute teaching. He was 7 years younger than I. I’m still friends with my first husband and had we met in our 30’s not at 19, we likely would have stayed married. But in 1968 we weren’t mature enough to be married, be in school and become parents. I don’t think anyone should marry too young. Marriage takes two responsible adults. Most college kids are still babies and need some life experience behind them before marriage . I didn’t grow up until at age 24 when I became a mom. That is what helped me grow up fast! Lol
    My son was in his mid 30’s when he got married. My younger son is now in his thirties and owns his own home. I think he’s mature enough now. He just needs to find the right girl. He recently split with his last girlfriend so hopefully he will find a better match. It’s usually more about luck and timing not necessarily age.

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  27. Yes and no… really depends on the person. That sounds ridiculously old fashioned. How old was the person that made the statement ? My wife met me 6 years out of college and I was 40 so We both married late.

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  29. Hmm life can happen at any time and any age so… but in my city I have also realized they have this tunneled view and what people should do at a particular decade so have been hearing this a lot

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  31. I don’t think that’s true now, but I bet a lot of people believed it years ago when people tended to marry young (for women anyone over 21 was in danger of being an old maid), and mate for life. I even remember this myself back in the early 80’s, remember the you’re more likely to be killed by a terrorist if not married by age 30 scare tactic. At least half of my class were engaged when we graduated at age 23, and I just didn’t understand it. Wouldn’t you want a few more life experiences first. It seems so bizarre now looking back. And when the divorce rate was lower, yes if you waited then you were less likely to meet someone suitable.

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  32. I guess I’d be really interested in knowing how she came to this conclusion. Love can happen at any time, any place. Although I do have to say that suddenly being single in your 50s does narrow the playing field. But I still refuse to believe love can’t happen.

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  33. To be clear, I don’t think there’s a “right” time to partner.

    But I do think the answer depends on what you want (as a woman), and I mean specifically, do you want children. I know there are a lot of ways women can have children after 35 or so, but it requires quite a bit, and if the goal is to have a family, then I think finding a mate who wants to do that early on is the way to go.

    On the other hand, I know I should’ve waited until I was mentally healthy before I married, even though I did it as a young adult. There’s something to be said for living, being by one’s self, and learning who you are prior to marriage.

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    1. The child angle is definitely a big thing, so I get your point. But it doesn’t benefit anyone if you haven’t figured out who you are and what kind of partner works

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  34. My reaction pretty much mirrored 1-5.

    Look, I did partner up when I was young. Met my first wife at the age of 17. How’d that work out? (Hint: not well.)

    Then, Tara and I started dating when I was 42. Our relationship today is stronger than ever. I’m firmly an advocate that with age comes wisdom and experience…especially when it comes to finding a life partner.

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