My daughter is a mentor at her university. For about eight weeks, she would meet a group of Freshman once a week for a school sponsored dinner.

She would always start out the session by asking everyone if there were issues: scholastic or otherwise. When she asked about how the roommate thing was going, one of the students said:

Well, my situation with my roommate is fine. He’s a decent roommate. However, the other day his Father knocked on the door at 3am.

What? you ask…

Apparently, the son hadn’t reached out or returned any of the calls his Father/family had left for about six weeks- since they had dropped him off for orientation. No calls, texts, emails or anything.

Finally the Father just boarded a flight from California and went to the dorm to see if his son was OK.

As this was a scenario my daughter never expected to hear, and definitely did not come up in training, first off, she knew she had a lot to report when they had the mentor wrap up meeting. Secondly, she had to figure out how to respond.

What do you say to your eight students about this incident?

What do you think about this incident?

Does an adult child (assuming for the moment that 18 is an adult) need to respond to family?

Should the parent have alerted the school, and asked the Resident Advisor to say that the kid is OK? Now, the problem with this scenario is that the school might not legally be able to give out information about an 18 year old.

If you’re the parent in this situation, what do you do?

If you’re the student, should you at least respond to outreach from parents?

I think my daughter flubbed her way through something like you don’t have to talk to your family if you don’t want, but maybe give them a heads up that you’re OK… She also said that if you feel your roommate is having issues adjusting it’s OK to tell the resident advisor because that is why they are there- to help kids transition to life without their parents being around.

What do you think about this senario?

Discuss:

117 thoughts on “Check In”

  1. I think that father doesn’t trust his son and likes a bit of drama in his life. Really, talk about over-reacting to a situation. Also, weird behavior for that dad. The kid, more normal behavior.

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    2. Ally, I disagree. It’s not at all weird for a parent to worry after not hearing from his kid for over a month. In fact, I have never met a student who was so alienated from his or her family that they refused to contact them. Sounds like something nefarious is going on with that kid. ( That’s not only common sense, but my experience as a retired educator for almost four decades).

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  2. Well that’s interesting, but I suppose not unheard of? Good on daughter trying to be diplomatic and handle it as best she could. As a parent- if this was a complete 180 from “normal” behavior I might show up at 3 AM as well. There seems to be a backstory there for sure. I wonder what the actual policies are regarding college responsibility, privacy, etc? Maybe that’s another thing parents now need to research junior/senior year as their kids begin the decision process.

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  5. Teaching at college rather than university, we don’t tend to have students living away from home. We certainly aren’t allowed to share student information with anyone – parents, employers – without the student’s express consent once they’re 18 or over. I think what we’d do is say we’d talk to the student and encourage them to talk to their parents. If they don’t want to, I guess we could see if they want us to confirm to the parents that they’re OK.

    I agree, the dad/parents are overreacting and that the kid has just been enjoying his freedom … maybe the parents are struggling to relinquish control.

    In my time teaching, I’ve seen my share of controlling or overprotective parents who sometimes will also threaten staff if things don’t go their way.

    I guess for your daughter, and other mentors, it’s not possible to consider every eventuality of things that could happen

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    1. There are definitely controlling parents. And there’s definitely a backstory. But I would be sick with worry if my kid didn’t get back to me for six weeks. I just can’t imagine ghosting your own parents. Is it right for anyone to not respond to someone, even if it’s to say don’t call me again?

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  6. Wow, if I had been this parent I would have been concerned as well. At the university where I spent my working life privacy laws would have prevented us from providing info to a parent, including marks. My guess is that there’s a backstory to the father-son relationship, but the son wasn’t helping the situation by refusing to signal that he was OK. Even an “I’m OK, just butt off” would have been better than silence.

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  7. If one of my kids had not contacted one of us for six weeks I likely would have headed to campus to check on them.
    My son is really bad about texting so when he was in college I would occasionally text him and ask him to just confirm he was alive. He always did.

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  8. I find it rather bizarre that the student never responded to the parents at all. I don’t think the parent over reacted. In fact, I wonder why the father waited as long as he did. I would have been worried sick. I remember both my sons used to call frequently, especially when they first left for college. My oldest son will be 50 this year and as a matter of respect and social etiquette, he always answers my texts or acknowledges me whenever I email, call, or text. It’s just simple good manners..

    I suppose there are scenarios where perhaps this college child and his parents disagreed or fought about something, but the lines of communication evidently were not very open for something extreme like this to happen. Most kids check in at least weekly with their families.
    I would have contacted the dorm, the school, gone out there, contacted local authorities after not hearing from my child for a week. Anything could have happened to them.
    Just because a student turns 18 doesn’t mean he or she should be totally left to their own resources. The school, the parents, the student, all bear some responsibility. I find this behavior strange and passive aggressive. “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.”

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  11. I think sometimes the silence is just avoidance … easier than the possible confrontation of saying don’t call. Sounds like a kid breaking free, too busy enjoying themselves and parents panicking as you said, because they’ve not heard anything. I agree the silence is rude, but I think/suspect it’s just a lack of thought and consideration

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    1. I’d be sending my kid packing in a New York Minute if my child was that uncaring and spoiled. Going away to college means showing responsibility. I’ve been through this with two children and one grand child so far. They all used to call. I never had to ask. You establish rules early on in life or they don’t understand responsibility.

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      1. That is exactly right. If the child wants that much independence then great. He can pay for his own education if he thinks his privacy and safety is more important than his parents knowing he is ok. That’s one spoiled kid with a real chip on his shoulder.

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      3. A difference between Scotland and the States. We don’t pay fees if you’re Scottish, studying in Scotland. I’m not a parent, but I can certainly understand where you’re coming from

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  12. I understand the parent although it’s plain wrong to knock on the door at 3 a.m. I’d set down some rules. Once when my college-aged son didn’t return my calls or texts, I threatened to pull the plug on his cell phone. That got is attention. It sounds like your daughter handled this well.

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    1. That’s what I was thinking too, Elizabeth. Okay, if you feel you have to fly out there – but the 3am part?? Unless his return flight left at 6am, I’d think it would be better to wait for morning unless you are looking to amp up the confusion and strong feelings. I like E.A.’s solution of pulling the plug on the phone.

      And it sounds like your daughter handled it well, LA. I can imagine her training didn’t cover this scenario and her improv was good!

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      2. She said this was completely unexpected and at the mentors meeting they did brainstorm this out and tried to figure out how this could be prevented. I think they’re going to try to say to kids at orientation that they should at least respond to parental inquiry, but it’s a tough situation

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    3. After 6 weeks of silence I would say that any time the dad arrived would be a- ok. Besides, The little brat needed a wake up call. I would have told the kid in the future to pay his own tuition, dorm costs, food costs, books etc. for the next semester. And explained to him to apply for a student loan because daddy dearest was done paying . Then I would have informed him that his phone was now shut off since he clearly didn’t need it or use it.
      It Sounds like this kid never had any rules or guidelines at all from his father.
      The son can live at home and go to a junior college and work part time to pay for school and his phone. When he does that then he can decide who to text .
      I was never a controlling parent. I brought my boys up to be thinkers. They knew if they wanted a good education they needed scholarships. And so they studied and received scholarships and academic awards. They knew what they needed to do to get into good colleges. This son had zero respect for his father and in turn no respect for himself either. What a sad state of affairs.

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  13. That’s what I was thinking too, Elizabeth. Okay, if you feel you have to fly out there – but the 3am part?? Unless his return flight left at 6am, I’d think it would be better to wait for morning unless you are looking to amp up the confusion and strong feelings. I like E.A.’s solution of pulling the plug on the phone.

    And it sounds like your daughter handled it well, LA. I can imagine her training didn’t cover this scenario and her improv was good!

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    1. I’m assuming that his flight was delayed whatever and he just went straight from the airport- also, if you think about it- more likely to find him in his dorm then. But however you look at it there are issues there

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  14. I would be an absolute basket case if my child didn’t contact me for even a few days, let alone 6 weeks! I can’t even imagine. Guess I’m less focused on what the parent did and how awful the son was to cause so much anguish. Your kid is your kid regardless of age.

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  16. Yeah, I was never one of those overbearing parents and usually waited for the kids to contact me when they were away (college or living on their own) but if I specifically sent them a text and they didn’t answer for that long I’d be worried. Especially if it was more than one family member leaving messages. I don’t know that I’d get on a plane from Cali to New York but I’d definitely contact the school.

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  18. I remember my dad dropping me off at university in Long Island and heading back upstate. It was a ‘see you and wish you the best. you are on your own.’ That was the generation. My mom called and send letters. I would check in once a month. 6 weeks seems a little long.

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  19. I’d have been worried if I were the parent. And I do think the son should have called his family. But I wouldn’t turn up at 3am to check. It’s possible there was more to this than a concerned parent and careless kid. Maybe there were issues between them.

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  20. 1. Even if the two had a major blowup right before the semester started, the kid (whose behavior is not very responsible, and therefore I can’t call him an adult) should have responded. It was rude and clearly alarming. Any number of things could have happened to him. My guess is the dad reads the paper.
    2. The dad is worried enough to fly from the West Coast to the East Coast and negotiate an unfamiliar setting. He is losing several days of work, some sleep, and a lot of money to see if his kid is OK.
    3. The kid could have avoided all this drama if he had just briefly responded to a few texts. Regardless of relationship problems, not responding to his dad’s texts is just rude.
    4. Your shocked daughter handled it well.
    5. Call me old and old-fashioned, but dorms have males and females housing in the same rooms? If it is a suite, that is not as bad, but still…

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    1. In this case they’re were both male…sorry for the confusion on that. While dorms are coed rooms are not. But yeah….just say you’re fine occasionally

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  21. Your daughter’s response was good. Son is rude, father a tad over-protective. I like EA’s solution about pulling the plug on cell service or something the parent pays for. Consequences kids, consequences.

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      1. Of course it is not wrong to worry, but I think contacting the RA to check up on the kid would be sufficient. That isn’t violating anyone’s privacy. “Yeah, your kid’s still alive.”

        Liked by 1 person

      4. As per Ferpa, without written consent a school can not disclose info about an adults child’s health. I know they made it very clear that if adult child was admitted to hospital and they were conscious they would not be allowed to call us unless my daughter signed a waiver that was in her records.

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      6. Remember the grief I had last year with trying to help my father out with his long term care insurance and HIPAA? Privacy laws are strict and getting stricter. But if you don’t have the roommates phone number you can contact them

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  22. My kids know better! I will call the police to do a wellness is it in heartbeat and jump on a plane.
    I personally would think my kids had lost their mind if they did this to me and may husband.

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  23. Hum that says a lot about security. 3 am ? I would say that kid tried yo escape serious smothering, but may have averted the situaion had they just responded to a text.

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      1. Even so 3am. Thats crazy. I mean I feel for the kid who asked the question, i sure wouldn’t be keen on an unknown person entering the room at that hour.

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  24. Wow, six weeks is a long time not to hear from your child, but I think the dad could have called someone at the residence or school to check on him, before flying clear across the country and showing up at 3am, so responsibility on both sides. Probably much more to the story than that.

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  25. I think it was very inconsiderate of the student not to answer the parents’ calls, texts, emails or whatever. If he was busy settling in, that’s understandable, but a quick contact with parents halfway across the country is the right thing to do. If I were the parent, I would have reached out to the school first, asking them to check on my child. If they got no response, I would have got on the plane too. (And then I’d have a talk with said child about the need to let us know he was alive and well now and then.)

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    1. I just asked my daughter about whether or not the school is allowed to discuss with a parent, and the answer was no because it violates ferpa…unless of course the student signed the waiver.

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      1. I’d forgotten about that! I remember during my son’s orientation, they had a meeting for the parents to prepare us for being parents of freshman in college. One of the points the speaker made was: if you are paying for your child’s education, tell them to sign the waiver. They didn’t exactly say, “act like a parent,” but it was sure implied!

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  26. Wow as a parent, I would have lots of emotions: dread and anger probably vying for top place. Before getting on a flight though, I think I would at least try to contact campus or local police, explain the situation, and see if they would be willing to do a wellness check. I don’t know that they would get back to me with any information, but at least I would know that someone is physically checking in a way that I can’t. If I did decide to jump on a flight though, I don’t think I’d show up in the middle of the night as that’s not fair to the roommate or anyone else in the dorm. Plus, it would just raise all kinds of questions that wouldn’t be questions if I showed up at a more normal time. I mean the dad had no problem waiting six weeks, why not a few more hours? Definitely a very strange situation.

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  27. Oh boy. My daughter worked as a Resident Advisor for 3 years and still works at the front desk of a college residence. She has so many helicopter parent stories, it’s unreal. This does feel a little extreme to me but I think there’s responsibility on both sides. The kid should at least have responded to his Dad’s messages. A quick “Yeah…I’m alive” would do. But, as you say, the Dad could have asked the residence staff to check to make sure his son was okay before hopping on a plane.

    Life is busy and it’s not unusual to go a week or so without hearing from my daughter but she always responds when I message here.

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      2. After this incident the mentors discussed this as a group. The schools stand is that asking about a students welfare would be health, and ferpa clearly states the school does not have the right to notify parents of health if the kid didn’t sign waiver. Like, if my daughter went to the hospital the school would not be able to call me without my daughters consent.

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      4. I’m sure there’s a back story… it parents can’t win…if you act, you’re overprotective. If you don’t act, you’re uncaring….

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  28. I would have done the same thing as the Dad, almost! I would not have been pounding on the door at 3am, out of respect to the roommate. But yes, 6 weeks with no communication is too long! Parents worry!

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      2. Me too!! The only time my daughter doesn’t get back to me within a reasonable time frame is when she’s in another country…but I realize there can be issues beyond her control

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  29. Sounds like the parent crossed a line showing up at 3 am. If there had been loud arguing or even physical violence the police certainly would have been called. If a kid goes no contact, there’s usually a back story and one where the kid needs to do so for their mental health or physical safety. The kid may need counseling to work through this and be able to develop more tools to handle the issues

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    1. But is it right to ghost someone? I’m sure there’s a backstory, but my guess is this kid isn’t mature enough to attend a college on his parents dime.

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      1. If a parent is abusive or toxic towards a kid, the student may be seizing on the opportunity to go no contact. There are other ways a parent can visit on campus apart from showing up at 3 am. If a parent is showing up at 3 am, I venture a guess their state of mind isn’t calm, and they may well be emotionally volatile. That isn’t showing respect for the safety and well-being of the other students.

        I’m not going to comment on whether it is “right” or not for the student to have gone no contact, but in working in Higher Ed myself, I know normally students are in contact with parents. If a student chooses not to be, then invariably there are much deeper issues and I’m not going to stand in judgment of a kid trying to potentially protect their mental or physical health.

        The student may need additional help and resources to find ways to support themselves and pay for their school if they don’t wish to pay the emotional cost of continuing a relationship with a parent, just because they are paying for the school.

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      2. There are ways you can look at this. As a parent, if I’d dropped my daughter off at college for the first time, in an area she didn’t know (which is urban and there is crime) and she knew no one, and I knew none of her friends cause she hadn’t met anyone yet, and I hadn’t heard from her…it wouldn’t have been 6 weeks of waiting…I t would have been more like 6 days till I was storming down the dorm. There is no rational behavior who fears for the safety of their kid. Think of it like this, if something had happened to the kid, the first thing people would say would be where are the parents! How come they didn’t do anything. Parent can’t win in this situation. To add to this…if the parent is toxic, should the student be accepting parental help for paying for college? If they don’t like the relationship, why are you taking funds?

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      3. There’s so much information missing from this, and there’s so much speculation going on here.

        The parent could also request a wellness check from the Public Safety office or they could contact the Dean’s office, Student Housing, Academic Affairs, etc to request a wellness check.

        If the University reports back the student is well but doesn’t wish to have contact, then the parent can discuss with the Dean what they are prepared or not prepared to do financially for the student.

        If the parent decides to withdraw their financial support then the Dean’s office can help the student find the resources they need to continue their studies. Involving the school would be a wise thing to do, since emotions run high and the future of the relationship could get sacrificed in the heat of the moment.

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      4. The kids an adult. While the school can perform a wellness check, without permission they can’t say anything to the parent, or anyone. I don’t know how much the school would help with getting the kid the loans they would need to pay. Again, the kid is an adult and parental support for college tuition is expected. This particular university gives almost no merit aid, especially to a freshman. The parents are supposed to pay, but are not entitled to see grades just because they pay. There’s all sorts of things in play. Once a kid turns 18 Ferpa law comes into effect

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      5. Yes, that is true. I still feel a child’s mental health and physical safety come in front of money. I can’t say I’ve seen students going no contact with a parent unless there were serious issues.

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      6. Agree about the mental health of the student, but then I question as to whether a student in this position should be attending a competitive university where angst about grades is the norm. Would this be too much

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      7. I will add, if you’re not familiar with the cost of college tuition, it’s a lot of money to attend a private university.

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      8. Actually I am. I worked in the Bursar’s office a few years ago at a private university, where i collected paymentseach semester. I still stand by my words.

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      9. Ok. So kid is paid up for first semester. Kid decides they don’t want to be tied financially to parents. Parental portion of tuition is, let’s just say 25k for tuition and dorm. Then there’s health insurance, 2k. Books, a few hundred. And the dorms are closed with no occupancy from dec 20 till Jan 10, so they have no place to live. This doesn’t include the sundries that people need. How would school help out in this situation financially?

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      10. I don’t know that University, I only know the one I work for.

        It seems like you’re challenging me after I disagreed with you. Honestly, it’s not a situation I know the facts on enough to back your position up.

        I have merely been saying that in my observations of having now worked for 2 Universities, it is very unusual for a student to go completely no contact with the parent. I normally observe the opposite, when students are away from home for the first time they are needing their parents reassurances.

        My life experience has shown me that in general people’s who choose to go no contact with a parent as soon as leaving home, are trying to leave emotionally and sometimes physically toxic situations.

        This is why my thought go towards that. I could be completely wrong and in this situation the kid is a complete a******, but again, I don’t know the kid, I’m basing my thoughts on my past observations of people, and I find they generally follow similar courses.

        My question to you then would be why you seem to be taking this so personally and seem to be trying to put me in my place?

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      11. You said you thought the university would find a way to financially help the child given this situation. Am I challenging you or asking for an explanation as to what the university would do? I’m generally curious because I don’t see universities jumping in to help with tuition. You said you stood by the claim that a university would help. I’m simply asking how because I don’t understand how. If I don’t understand something I ask why. I’ll never learn if I don’t ask. Maybe I’m wrong and the university would try to get involved in this. I would love to see universities care about the lives of students going through emotional turmoil. Frankly I’d like everyone to take the mental health of students seriously. But my tone is more skeptical. Educate me.

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      12. That’s a question that Financial Aid can answer.

        This has gone into territory that is out of my wheelhouse, and each institution has different approaches. I’m not going to speak to what that institution could or could not do.

        I was offering a different perspective but now it’s going down a path I no longer wish to comment on. I’m. Out.

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      13. It’s a different perspective which I appreciate but it’s illogical to me to think a college will step in and make up the financial difference because a kid doesn’t like his parents. I want to hear other sides but this didn’t make sense. I apologize if you feel like I was challenging you and you’re out. And that you think I don’t like an another opinion. However, you didn’t like my questioning your opinion either. Isn’t that how we figure out what theories hold water and what don’t? You made a statement I didn’t understand. I don’t see colleges as altruistic institutions out for the better of their students. You, from your experience do. I wanted to be proven wrong. I thrive on failing.

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  30. Universities in this country are not permitted to deal with the parents, even if the parents are paying the fees. Once a student turns 18, everything goes through them, as they have reached the legal age of adulthood. I suspect the situation is the same in the US.

    While I would be concerned if my child didn’t respond for a significant period of time, I so would not turn up at 3am. I’m with Ally on this one – what an overly dramatic piece of behaviour on the part of the father. What’s he trying to do? Shame his child? Make some sort of weird point? By all means, visit the college to check, but not in the middle of the bloody night.

    Teenagers/young adults can be utter rubbish at communicating – my brother for one. He would disappear for days or weeks at a time, and my parents had no idea where he was. No mobile phone in those days either. The one place it was easy to check on him was his holiday job – McDonalds, so I would just take a drive by (he was a big guy so easy to spot). No need to make a fuss, no need to embarrass anyone – I saw him, that was enough reassurance. Wait till you have them alone to do the drama thing and read the riot act.

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    1. If I hadn’t heard from my kid since I’d dropped them off at college I would not be calm. Period. To be fair, I wouldn’t have waited six weeks either. And laws the same here. Can’t comment on an adult even if it’s their child

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      1. Yup. I agree LA. Plus, after having two kids go to Universities and now my oldest granddaughter is in one, I’ve never ever heard of a school offering To foot the bill for a kid who ignores his/her parents. It stands to reason that once a child is of legal age there are privacy laws.
        My two sons and grand daughter all got academic scholarships and various financial assistance but it was based strictly on their original college test scores and their continued ability to maintain high gpas While in college. Fortunately, my kids didn’t wind up having to owe for financial aid because of receiving academic scholarships for doing well in school . With my two youngest grandchildren I started what is currently available… a Florida prepaid college program, which I began when they were babies.( they are now in middle school). I told my first husband about it and he is now paying for a year too. So we each paid for a year of school, dorm, meal plan, books, etc. . That program, along with any academic scholarships they receive, should pay for most of their college expenses.. So between my son, myself, and my first husband, my two remaining grandchildren should be all set with college. But they are sweet children and I can’t imagine them ignoring their parents like the boy in your blog.

        This is an interesting situation LA. I don’t know any parent who wouldn’t be concerned if their child ghosted them. Thankfully your daughter had the good sense to objectively discuss the situation. But this is definitely something to think about. It’s a wake up call and makes you realize that not all families have close relationships. I’ve been lucky I guess with mine. I get along well with my first husband, my sons and my grandchildren. But, evidently the college experience isn’t the same for everyone.

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  31. Dude. I feel like I always have a ‘me, too’ story, but ummm this happened to me when I was in undergrad. I wasn’t responding to my grandmother, but instead of showing up, she called campus police, and THEY knocked on my door and told me to call her.

    I’ll just say this. There is probably something much more going on with this 18-yo that explains why he wouldn’t want to respond to his parent, even if it’s just testing boundaries.

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    1. Agree that there’s way more to this story. I do wonder if campus security would do anything other than check for kids safety. Lots of grey in this situation

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      1. Legally, that’s all they really can do…even the dorm itself has to follow FERPA, but this is an especially interesting story to me because times have changed since I was in undergrad; there’s like 5, 988 ways to check in with someone, other than flying across the country. Anywho…

        Liked by 1 person

  32. Sorry if this comment is duplicated, given that you have over one-hundred, but 3:00 am is the problem. The child probably was taking space from parents who have some weird and perhaps controlling responses at times

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