Say you’re dating someone. You’re starting to think that this person might be “THE ONE”. You like this person: you love this person. You are in the gooey stages of love where everything is wonderful including the sound of his farts and he is enamored with your charming Mother.

Is it smooth sailing ahead? Or do you have to ride out some rough waves? How do you know that they are the “ONE”?

What questions should you ask someone before you decide if they are the right person for you?

For example:

  1. Do you want kids?
  2. How many kids do you want?
  3. House, apartment, trailer, yurt?
  4. Own or rent?
  5. City or suburb or rural?
  6. Car, mass transit or bicycle?

So, if you best friend, child, parent was about to take the plunge, what are the things that you think they should ask their intended? What are the most important things to know before walking down the aisle?

Discuss:

91 thoughts on “Pre Marriage Checklist

    1. Same.. well, not 45 years, but 30 years this summer. I find if you’re committed to your marriage you work through these issues together as life happens. People now though will divorce over some of the most trivial things…

      Liked by 4 people

      1. That may well be the case Carla. When people ask our secret, I say:
        No kids so all our free time is quality time
        Separate bathrooms
        My OH has travelled a lot on business, being away from home 3 nights/week

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Talking seems so clinical in the early stages …

    I don’t know too many people who had elaborate conversations who are still married today. More like casual ones over time.

    Maybe things are different with the younger generations now? Do they approach marriage more like a business proposal? With lists and things?

    I don’t know. 🤷‍♀️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think it all comes down to what your expectations are, and what will happen if your partner disagrees. I can’t see a relationship where one person wants to live in the city with no kids and a cat, and the other wants a farm in the country and a house full of kids…even though when they meet they live in the city with just a plant and a cat

      Liked by 2 people

  2. All that you said +Political views, world views, religious views, bias, financial goals, spending habits… everything! Live with the person first, for a long time and work all this out, or at least get a much clearer picture about what’s in store if you say I DO.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep, however I can only speak from lived experience… overall there is simply no guarantee however you go into marriage. You can do everything right, work your butt off to overcome issues and one day you’re signing a final divorce decree. Am I jaded…probably!

        Liked by 3 people

    1. So much YES for this comment.
      Even then it could turn out badly. I am currently on emotional support duty with a loved one whose 13 year relationship just imploded…in a most spectacular fashion. You can do the work and discuss the issues and reach a consensus and live together for years prior to marriage and children. What you cannot do is anticipate or control when the other person in the relationship loses their mind and blows the whole thing up.

      Liked by 4 people

    1. Haha! Ah the dishwasher debate! Lol I have learned a lot about how people load dishwashers! And that’s that everyone has their own system. During my multiple cancer surgeries and chemo treatments I’ve had help from my two adult sons, my sister, various friends etc. who all helped me at various times when I was too sick to do much of anything. One of the things I noticed was that every person would load my dishwasher in a different way. If it starts to bother me I know I’m getting better. Lol because I always want to reload it.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I didn’t discuss any of those things. But every decade is different. I got married in 1969 when I was only 20 and my parents had to sign for me because I was not of the legal age of consent yet. (21) We were more about politics and saving the world. That marriage only lasted 5 years. My second husband and I were married 23 years before he got sick.Being that I was older when I married him, we did discuss those topics. Plus, I had a child from a previous marriage so I knew he was good with kids. Obviously, discussing viewpoints is important. But, even if you discuss things often times people change over the years. I think it’s a matter of luck and compatibility.
    I think in today’s world everything should be discussed. And every women should have a separate savings account that stays in tact for emergencies. Having been divorced, I learned during the 1970’s that having a back up savings plan can put a roof over your head and feed your kids for a while. You learn that having some financial stability can help in an emergency. Once you become a parent love includes a wider range of people. And that involves maturity.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I don’t know that you need a checklist, but I do recommend people thinking about getting married make sure that they can communicate together (meaning listen and give) and that they talk some about the future. No, no, I don’t mean deep details, but at least expectation setting and where the partner fits in. Marriage takes a lot of work. I’d much rather go in on the same page so that you’re better able to come together, when things might not necessarily be so rosy. Great question LA. Lots of different opinions I’m sure.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You got me thinking about something a close friend told me before I got married. He’s got a strange sense of humor, but he compared marriage to Mike Tyson’s quote on boxing: “Everyone has a plan: until they get punched in the face.” The general idea being that dating is the fun time, how will you be when you’re married and the bills start to come in, work demands grow, you have in-laws, etc. etc. Like I said, it’s a different sense of humor, but I think it applies. Ha, ha.

        Liked by 7 people

  5. We went to a required premarital counseling session with the pastor before we got married. Except that I was already pregnant, oops. I tell my sons to pay attention to how a girl treats her parents and strangers, how she she treats them when they need support, ask her goals and dreams, discuss her plans as far as work and children, can you compromise without everything being an argument? Money is the usual cause of marital problems , but it can also be childhood baggage .

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I think spending time together before getting married is key. You need to have time to find out if you share the same values, have common interests, etc. My parents married after three months of meeting each other. It didn’t work out. I lived with my husband for two years prior to getting married. My son’s been with his girlfriend for nine years and they are finally talking marriage!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Today, I think it’s important to find out if your significant other has any unresolved issues because that is going to impact the relationship and also how they relate to the other person.

    The kid thing is important too, and lifestyle questions, in general.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My writing workshop teacher said this the other day, she said write your characters timeline which includes stuff that happened to them that won’t be in the book, because those things matter in the future

      Liked by 1 person

  8. My youngest son is currently in his first serious relationship. He has always said he wants kids. His girlfriend, who I mostly adore, does not. When he shared this with me, I was concerned. I asked if he was willing to give up something he wants for love. He doesn’t believe it’s something to be concerned about right now. But I disagree. The longer they are together, the harder this issue will impact them. Some issues can’t be worked out through time. And love isn’t always enough. I just think people need to be realists and not stuck on all the lovey dovey feelings.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Spot on. This isn’t going to resolve itself. I understand the part about how they’re having fun but how long does the just fun last before she’s saying I told you I didn’t want kids…you weren’t listening

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I think those are all important things to discuss and should be a natural part of getting to know each other while dating. As others have mentioned, communication is the key, and I believe that lack of communication is what starts the breakdown of marriage.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I would want to get dealbreakers out in the open. One I would now ask that I did not before is -is there anyone else who thinks they are in a relationship with you? What current social policy do you not agree with and why? How do you feel about people who do not follow your religion or spirituality or atheism? My best friend is gay and my beloved nephew is transgender, thoughts?

    Liked by 2 people

  11. The problem is that we’re imperfect and changeable human beings, who do, sometimes, change our minds. I did. I didn’t want children – categorically so, but I now know that choosing motherhood was the right decision, and the best thing I’ve ever done – bar none.

    I hope it goes without saying that it’s a bad idea to either expect or rely on that a significant volte face happening, especially the more life you’ve led.

    Still no excuse for not talking about important stuff. I see so many relationships end because a key question wasn’t asked up front. My advise is that if it really matters to you – then get on and ask ask! The problem is asking questions about “the future” is (and always has been) regarded as uncool, and heaven forbid we should risk that (eye roll).

    Liked by 1 person

  12. First, do bear in mind that my specialist area is working with 50+ single women. How early you ask depends how high up your list of non-negotiables something is. My policy was not to go on even a coffee date until I’d checked my non-negotiables. I always had at least one lengthy phone conversation first, and I’d lead the conversation to topics which matter to me. In return, I didn’t give fluff responses to subjects which they raised, as they may be ones which they feel likewise about. So, by the time we meet up, we know we’ll at least like each other, and then we can relax and see if each of us make it to potential ‘the one’ status.

    Amusingly, I’ve recently discovered that it’s not uncommon for daters these days to have a lengthy questionnaire which needs to be answered first before you even get to talking 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think women who listen to the tick tick tick are likely to want to get the bs out if the way in the beginning. They know what they want and don’t have time to waste. But yeah…non negotiable should be discussed early

      Liked by 1 person

  13. The tricky thing is, people grow and evolve in their way of thinking and doing things over time. Quite often the person we married 20 years ago is very different today. Although these topics are important, it’s more important to analyze the qualities of someone such as, how they communicate, are they humble, considerate, willing to compromise, willing to put you first. If each person is willing to do those things everyone wins. Lastly, for me, worshipping God together has contributed greatly to our happiness and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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