Would you move for love?

Scenario 1:

You’re engaged and living with your fiancée in New York City. You love the city as you are an urban person. Your partner gets offered a job in another state. You know you can probably telecommute your job, but the thought of living in a Midwest suburb doesn’t sit right with you.

Scenario 2:

You have been dating someone for about a year or so. When you met you were both living in New York City. One day your partner says to you, I am not happy in the city, I want to move to Florida and set up a practice there. Will you come with me?

How much do you need to love someone in order to pack up your life and move?

How would you handle either of the based on a true story examples I gave you?

Discuss:

76 thoughts on “I’m Moving- Are you?

  1. I live in the DC suburbs because this is where my wife’s job is. Otherwise, I would be back home in Kentucky. I don’t know if I would have made the move if we were dating and the future of the relationship was uncertain.

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  2. LA, as you know, this was the story of my life! Fell in love in college with a West Point cadet. Got engaged and married him my senior year of college. Followed him around the world. Not always easy. Missed many family & friends holidays, weddings, etc. But, we had a fabulous time during his 28+ years in the Army. Grabbed those special moments when I was “home at my parents” to visit my college friends, high school friends, grade school friends and all of my family. Sometimes, one person in a relationship gives more than the other. But, hopefully, it all balances out. Going with your questions. Engaged would require a planned wedding for me to move. Dating would require some long distance dating to see where the relationship was headed.

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    1. I know…you and AM are troopers. But I wonder if it’s an age thing also. You hasn’t established careers yet, so how much did that matter. I will give you all the details if we ever get a chance to connect on the actual phone! Xo

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  3. I guess this is equating marriage with commitment but the divorce rates show that is not necessarily so 😉 I therefore can’t answer to your scenarios but can the overarching question – enough! That sounds glib because it is a major thing to leave friends and career and hightail it to the other side of the world for nine years but that is what my wife did for me or rather us!

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      1. No. not at all! I realise how truly fortunate I was! If she had not been up for the challenge then it would have been a different conversation and I likely would not have gone. Well, maybe I would have but not for too long! 😉

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  4. The person I am now would make different choices if faced with those situations, but they’re incredibly complicated to begin with. I do know that the considerations would be different though, based on fiance versus a dating relationship.

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      1. No, I don’t think it’s wrong, but I hope that if you are at the point of engaged and marriage plans that you’ve at least had a conversation about a possibility like this. People are maybe afraid of those *what if* scenarios and discussions. Of course you can’t plan for everything but what’s wrong with a real talk about possible future changes and how they will be handled? Age may or may not play a part, but so does family, your own job and future goals. Age as a factor is as individual as any other consideration.

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      2. I would guess few (although I wish it was the majority) but when you reach a year in on dating, or I sincerely hope by the point that you’re engaged that those sorts of conversations have been a part of the relationship. Like I noted- my outlook on a life partner today would have never been approached the same way when I was 21 or so. But that was also 1980. The evolution of dating and relationships and society in general plays a factor in so many ways.

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  5. There’s got to be some room for compromise here. Personally I lived in the Bronx for my first 34 years but always knew I did not want to stay there. I wanted a house in the country.
    Now, with work being so flexible people can live about anywhere but both have to be comfortable. So, would I move for love? Probably if it meant that much to her. But, nothing is set in stone. One can always move back if things don’t work out.
    You think some very deep thoughts that show in your writings. You must be very smart. Nice job.

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  6. I don’t believe there is any empirical right or wrong, as there’s more to consider that the points being closed here. Additionally, if the person being asked the question in both cases is a woman, especially one with a career or family/community connections, it’s a big ask. As you know, I’ve never married from choice – but even I think it’s a big ask without at least an offer to put the relationship onto a sound legal footing before the move.

    This type of decision can challenge the strength of a relationship. One good friend followed her husband to West Africa for his business but, on their return here, would not relocate within the UK. Most of her friends were horrified, believing the decisions were the same. But I understood that they were not – for in one there’s a structure for being welcomed into a new community, but not in the second. Ultimately, they got divorced over her refusal to move and his inability to understood that her roots went very deep.

    Good question LA 🙂

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  7. Both scenarios suggest couples with no children or caring responsibilities.
    If that’s the case then personally, I’d move and take a chance in either scenario.
    Scenario 1? How do I know if the Midwest is right more me if I don’t give it a go?
    Scenario 2: How do I know this person is right for me if I don’t give it a go?

    Work is a priority for me though, so only on the proviso that I would be able to continue to do my job.

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    1. There are so many variables to this. When I write a post about NYC that’s less than flattering I get a lot of people saying they don’t understand living in a city etc. I think a lot of people are wedded to a spot

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  8. I think (from my personal opinion and from what most others are commenting) that the status of the relationship makes the difference. Marriage is a commitment. It makes it more important to work out issues like this. I had some years as a stay at home mom and most as a teacher, then retirement. We had a lot of moves. His job paid more and involved the military part of the time. Teachers can usually find a new position in a new location. Result: we moved together to wherever he needed to be to support our family. The exception was retirement to Mexico. I knew he had stayed where we were for the first 2 years of his retirement because I liked my job and for retirement pay issues. So when he wanted to go to Mexico, I felt like it was my turn to uproot. I missed my family, but also made memories of a lifetime. When we moved back to the states after 7 years, it was a joint decision. Would a non-marriage relationship survive all that? I don’t know.

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    1. I think it’s a really hard decision. Will you resent your partner if you do what they want? Look at how many people comment that they couldn’t live in a city, after some of my posts.

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      1. I agree that it is a hard decision especially if one feels strongly about rural vs. city, regional location, or being close to family or not and if so whose family. I guess the factors that are important to different people could be crisis issues for some relationships.

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  9. You didn’t mention age, although it is implied that the people are young. Young people have resilience and optimism. I was a small town Southern girl and was excited to live in Queens. Living on Long Island was more like what I was used to. Moving to England was a great adventure. I followed John because it was what I promised to do. Location would not have made me leave him. We finally moved to the spot in the mountains I most wanted, and I have loved it. Life was good everywhere. When two people are committed to each other, they find a way for both to be satisfied. I can’t tell you the last time I heard the word compromise. Does it exist any more?

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    1. Is it really compromise if someone is uprooting? I think if the expectation is that you’ll live in a certain place, it’s tough to all of a sudden say oh by the way I want to move. It’s a hard call. I think some people are full of adventure, others not so much

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      1. this just happened to our eldest daughter this Summer… I can see our daughter really struggling, it’s hard to watch. They moved 850 miles from here because of hubby’s job….He is definitely putting $ ahead of everything else.

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      2. Yes, moving is a big deal. In your hypothetical situations the couples may or may not be committed to each other. It would be better to find out how strong the bond is by facing the moving test before being married or promising each other the moon.

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  10. Tara did exactly that – left her job and home in Nevada to be with me in the PNW, so maybe she’s the one who should answer this!

    As for me, it 100% depends on WHERE we’d be moving. You read my geography blog post and know very well I have strict guidelines. Every move I’ve made (and there have been many) has been to improve my life, so if I felt the new potential place was a step backward, we’d need to have a serious conversation.

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  11. Whoa! True story examples. How intriguing. At first I thought these were Christmas movie plots! Hmm. I think it depends entirely on which you love more: the city or the person. If it’s the person, you can be happy anywhere because of who you’re with. If it’s the city, well, then that person must not be the right person for you. The right person would fall into category one above.

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    1. I’m not so sure. It might not be the place but a lifestyle. And if someone is unhappy in a location, how good a partner can they be? I’m going to overthink this and write about it again

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      1. “Overthink it and write about it again.” Ha! Do we get to hear more thoughts from the parties involved? Or, at some point, follow-ups as to what happened? We’ll all be eating popcorn as we read, leaning forward in our seats.

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      2. Well, I can tell you that one woman moved but I don’t know how much she likes it, and the other woman told her boyfriend she was never leaving nyc, then got pissed off when he moved to florida

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  12. Love isn’t easy and sometimes hard sacrifices need to be made. I moved to Indiana when we first got married. My husband’s job was there and it was a good one so it just made sense. BUT he did know that my heart was in Pennsylvania with my family and when he got laid off he searched for jobs in Pa and found one. 🙂 We do visit his family often in Indiana and he is happy to be in Pennsylvania. He prefers it over Indiana.
    Where a couple lives can be a really tough thing for there are many factors that one needs to consider. It can’t always be about the job.

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  13. When I was in my early 20s, I wound up in Durango to be with a fiancé. I hadn’t been in my previous place for long, but had planned to make it my forever home. Decided I loved Durango and stayed. A couple years later, a guy I was dating made it clear he was Denver bound and I would not even consider it. Another potential was in Indianapolis – now way, Jose! I spent a life moving around for my Army officer dad. I like staying put (traveling for fun).

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  14. Home is where the heart is. I think honestly it depends on where in the relationship they are. Not sure I’d move if it was just a new romance. Maybe if we’d been married a while although I wouldn’t move across the bay from where we live when my husband got a job over there. He had to commute across the bridge (about a 30 minute drive) every day. I was still working too though so one of us would have had to do it regardless.

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  15. For me personally, if I were to meet someone new, this would be an early discussion. Only because I have four grandchildren and there’s no amount of love a man could offer that would ever take me away from them. In any relationship, if this is a possibility for either partner, it’s definitely something that should be shared and discussed.

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    1. As I’ve been thinking about this, I decided that you can only love someone else if you are personally content. Where you live effects how you feel. If you’re unhappy in a different location you will not be happy in a relationship…the love will lessen

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  16. I moved to a Midwest suburb for love. My husband landed the job of his dreams and I reluctantly agreed to live here. Best decision ever. Being a fish out of water allowed me to come into my own and get over my own limiting views about who I was.

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  17. Ideally, it’s a conversation that would have been tackled before getting married. Marriage is a commitment and compromises always need to be made. This would be hard scenarios. Guess it would reveal priorities.

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  18. If there is agreement between these two people, free from anger and resentment, then yes. The issue comes when we do something, and we don’t really want to, then resentment arises. In these scenarios, it I wanted to move, I would. If not, I wouldn’t. I’ve learned this the hard way, believe me.

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  19. I can only speak to what happened to me and it happened midway through my now defunct 30 year marriage. The idiot ex, well after the fact, used my unhappiness with THAT cross country move as one of several excuses for finally filing for divorce. I’m still pissed that it took him another 15 years to grow a pair of balls and tell me that he was surprised that I’d agreed to make that move!

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  20. I actually did this exact thing way back when. The difference was when we actually made the move we weren’t just dating. We got married. Forgive my lengthy response but I had an all day chemo session yesterday, the first couple days after Is like s super chemo high so I’m racing and flying…and I may regret my responses….

    Back in the late 1960’s and early 70’s I was in college and It didn’t make sense fir me to uproot my life without some sort of security. I was a senior in college, my boyfriend and I went to the university of Miami. (I was an education major and minored in art and drama). He was a theater major. . He wanted to transfer schools in his junior year. But since I was a year ahead of him in college (although he and I were the same age), I was already in the middle of my student teaching and told him I couldn’t go anywhere until I finished my courses. I would lose credits and money if I transferred schools so if he wanted me to go with him he’d have to wait until after I graduated.. I stood firm on that. I wasn’t ending my career goals just to follow him. So, we compromised. I took a few extra classes and graduated a semester early, and he waited to transfer until I got my degree. The two of us took a road trip vacation looking at some wonderful schools on the east coast and in New England, but he had his heart set on Northern California and the masters of fine arts theater program at Sonoma state College just north of San Francisco. I stood my ground about accomplishing what I needed to before running off with him. But, I figured with my teaching degree I could work anywhere and California in 1971 was the height of what was happening politically. So I was thrilled about going Plus, San Francisco had a branch back then of a national Shakespeare Theater company and I figured I could always act if I couldn’t get s teaching job.
    So…The school year 1968-69-we started planning a move. But we were still just college kids. Our parents weren’t thrilled with our plans. We weren’t legal yet, only 20. So both sets of parents demanded we marry back in 1969. If not they refused to finish paying our tuition. Today all this control sounds absurd. But back then, we just wanted independence but were two middle class kids who needed their parents’ financial support. Or at least expected it because we always had it growing up. And in 1969 you had to be 21 not 18 to be old enough to vote or get married in Florida and since we were only 20 our parents had to sign as as legal guardians and come with us to the courthouse . I suppose we were pressured into marrying. Or perhaps we needed the security of that commitment in order to travel together. Who knows. We were kids who wanted to be free and do our own thing but needed parent signatures to marry and also their permission to transfer because neither of us was 21 yet.
    Looking back getting married so young was ridiculous but for the times it seemed like a good solution. It seemed like an adventure to me. However, I never would have gone without finishing my degree and having my career to fall back on. I knew even then not to throw away my plans for anyone else’s. Once I achieved my own educational goal, I was gone about following his dreams too

    If I had been older I likely would have needed a formal commitment or a job commitment before uprooting. However, I would never move anywhere I didn’t want to go just to stay with a guy. Women or men, need to think about their careers too. Nobody should uproot themselves for another person if the don’t want to. ( if you have kids there are other considerations).
    In a marriage and with children you make different decisions. My father moved to Florida in 1960 and my mother was furious! I remember hearing my dad tell my mom… “I love you and the kids and I’m taking this opportunity to move. I want you all to come with me. But I’m going whether you stay or not. I’ll support you either way but I’m leaving. So we moved to Florida . I don’t think my mom ever forgave my dad for taking her away from her family.
    I wonder what I would have done in her situation . In a marriage with kids things change. You need to think about the needs of a family not the individual. .
    Ultimately, to thine own self be true!

    My California adventure was great. My marriage didn’t withstand the wild California life style in the early 1970’s. (The hippie era was beginning and free love was blooming and I so I left my first husband because he decided to try a California life style . He finished up his semester, came back to get me and we moved up to south Jersey for him to work with his father while he was looking for another masters of fine arts degree. I got pregnant, we waited until the baby was born, and three months later traveled back to Florida for him to get a masters of fine arts scholarship at Florida State which in thr 70’s had an excellent theater program. So I while stayed home with a baby, choreographed and acted in a few shows my husband directed and finally got his masters in fine arts. For a while everything was groovy.
    Meanwhile that marriage ended, we are still friends, and our son is 49 and father of three. Moral to my long story ? I went away with the guy, but not until I finished what I needed to do. Always take care of yourself first. You aren’t any good to anyone if you aren’t meeting your own needs.
    Sorry this is so long…even young me needed a commitment to move. I still look at it as a win win. I got my degree, I had a California adventure, I had a first husband, had a wonderful son. So Sometimes… taking a risk works out…

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      1. I totally don’t blame them. If I had been established I wouldn’t have. I actually was faced with that dilemma years down the road and I declined. I think if you are content with yourself you are able to make your own choices. I just saw the movie The Fabelmans with my son who is in the film industry. (We enjoyed it very much but it’s not really a film that will do well commercially.Anyhow, the mother character in the movie packs up her family several times until she’s had enough. (You will enjoy this film if you understand autobiographical. If you are of my generation, Jewish, in the film industry, any of those categories will help you enjoy the film. If you can’t relate to A mid western family in the 1950s than skip it. I watched it and cried because it was like a movie of my childhood. The clothes, the hair, the Jewish family etc. it was like watching my childhood. My son loved it because it was a step by step vision into everything behind the visions of the child who grew up to be Steven Spielberg. But I really thought the mother figure in this film portrayed really well how deprived creative women became once they married in the 1950’s. And how much women had to give up to be their authentic selves.

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