Say you have a friend. Your friend has a live in partner ( who we will refer to as Scissor) and they’ve been together at least five years. You really don’t like the Scissor. Scissor is not a bad person and they’re never hurt either you or your friend. You just find Scissor a little boring, a little too laid back, and when they come to your house for dinner, Scissor has never brought you flowers. To get a little cliché, scissor is not your cup of tea.

One day you decide that you don’t want Scissor to come to your house anymore. In fact, you don’t even want to meet them at a restaurant. You don’t want to have anything to do with Scissor. But you still want to have your friend in your life.

There’s the hypothetical. Now for the questions:

  1. Is it right to invite your friend to something but exclude their partner?
  2. Do you need a valid reason to not like someone?
  3. If you were in a committed relationship and your partner was specifically excluded (I get that there are sometimes showers that are all female and every male partner is excluded) what would you do?
  4. Have you ever excluded someone’s partner?
  5. What’s more important: maintaining a friendship or risk cutting them out?

Discuss:

72 thoughts on “I Don’t Like Them”

  1. This is a difficult one! In my opinion you have to do some soul searching about the value of your relationship with your friend. If it’s not a friendship you relish just stop including them. People’s lives move apart and that’s natural I don’t think you can invite one of them without the other without having a come to Jesus conversation about your dislike of their partner. You can still go do girls lunches though!

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      1. I have this scenario in my life with my mom’s partner. It is so hard! Her feelings would be so hurt if I didn’t include him. I will say that I did have a conversation though about him needing therapy for his issues and he is now going. I still don’t care for him though.

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  2. Doesn’t this entire scenario make a farce of being compassionate, accepting, and tolerant? If it’s simply that he’s not ” your cup of tea” then is the problem really his? Whether or not he is a good partner to your friend is what matters. Most certainly continue with any girl dates though.

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  4. Is this a couple to couple friendship to begin with? If this is not an ongoing or long term couples sort of thing then just do friend things with the individual. I don’t think anyone is under obligation to turn activities into couples events just because. I have had friends over the years and have never felt obliged to be around the partner so maybe I’m missing something here?

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      1. How close a relative? From the scenario the location seems nearby enough that the obligation to include the couple is expected, not easily ignored. Alienate family or put up with a less likable component? You can’t win no matter what you choose. Now I certainly hope we will be getting the full backstory on this one…

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      3. I don’t suppose you can just excuse and/or exclude YOURSELF from these petty family issues for your own sanity can you? How incredibly stressful and tiring family drama can be. UGH!

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  5. I think if someone is not your cup of tea then I would be tolerant for your friend’s sake. What’s really hard is if they are in a domestic violence situation and refuse to leave. My daughter is in that situation with a few of her friends. Do you go to the wedding? Do you support a relationship that is toxic? What’s the best way to be a friend? I would limit the time with a partner who is not your cup of tea. But if you friend had to choose between a partner and you, you would probably not win.

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    1. In that case, where something is clearly toxic, it’s a whole different thing. I think you need to support a friend in that situation, but to what extent I don’t know.

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  6. This is an amusing topic, because we ALL have this type of scenario in our life. There is no easy answer. Have the friend, only see them during the day without their partner, because they/their partner offended if you outright say you don’t want to see the partner OR not have the friendship anymore. It just fizzles.

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      1. For holidays, suck it up… otherwise, only see the person you like by themselves during the day. That’s how we worked it out. Otherwise, no contact at all if the person you like takes the side of their partner and being offended. I don’t see any way around this. Not an easy situation. Imagine if you don’t care for your child’s partner one day. Boy, this gets tricky.

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  7. Himself and my closest friend hated each other on sight the first time they met. She’s offered to include him in things but, as our relationship was predominantly a “just us girls” one, we’ve been able to easily continue it without him. Himself has been a tad snippy about her on occasion, and been pulled up short on it.

    Different – I know – from the situation you outline and I’m grateful that I’ve not had to deal with that, because I would certainly have feelings if one tried to exclude the other, rather excluding themselves.

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  8. No, if the situation normally calls for inviting both, you should . That’s their partner. I agree with just doing something else together, where the partner is not expected to be invited. Not saying I don’t understand the desire to exclude them, but it’s not right .

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  9. Do you need a valid reason to not like someone? That’s like asking whether you need a valid reason to not like a certain food. I hate watermelon, which is universally beloved. Do I have a valid reason? No. I want to like watermelon. Every year I try a bite to see if my taste buds have changed. And every year, I decide my life is better without watermelon in it. Sometimes, there’s no rhyme or reason to these things.

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  10. What a great opportunity to practice becoming more tolerant. If “Scissor” isn’t cruel or blatantly offensive, this would give the host a chance to learn some new social skills. Maybe Scissor feels the same way about him or her. Engage curiosity and think about what it is about Scissor that irritates or annoys. There’s a good chance that it in some way reflects or shines a light on the judger’s own shortcomings. Anybody who thinks they should never have to spend time with people they don’t like needs to wake up and remember that they are not the center of the universe.

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  12. It’s a tough situation. We have a close couple friend, but the husband keeps alienating people. Their friendship circle has shrunk a lot the past few years. We continue to see them as a couple, but in small doses.

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  14. Tough one. Is it right to exclude someone knowing it would hurt their partner. I guess it would partly depend on how much you liked the person and your willingness to lose a friend or relative. It is easy to say to avoid them whenever possible but even that can be tough. Also, consider this, most people have a sense of whether or not you like them. A true friend would be reluctant to put you both into that situation.

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  15. I’d have girl dates. And maybe invite her over with scissor once a year or something because you owe the friendship a certain amount of discomfort. But no, you don’t have to justify disliking someone, in my view. Some cats just don’t hit it off.

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      2. What if it’s a parent, and in this case let’s say older parent with Ill health. Would you exclude their partner just because you think they’re too quiet?

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  18. 1. Yes esoecially if the partner is a real downer, 2. No, its possible to hace a gut feeling. In Answer to 3. It would only be an issue if the get together was exclusively partnered people. Or I suppose it depends on the sensitivity of the partner. 4. Can’t say i ever have. 5. Hum…

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  19. I’m going with your point 5: I don’t believe maintaining a friendship at all costs, but I’ve also found that some of my friendships have changed over time (for instance we now live in different towns or even countries, and don’t have much contact anymore) but those friendships and those friends remain important to me.

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  20. Well, I have a sister who has lived in a different country to me since 2003. We were a closer unit before the move. Have we grown apart because of the miles between us, or is the distance between us due to other things that would have taken shape anyway? I don’t know. We don’t have much in common anymore: our lives/lifestyles are very different. I definitely think this has something to do with different countries/ different cultures 🙂

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    1. The real question is…say you celebrate beetroot day, and your sister and partner are around. Do you say to your sister you can come but your partner isn’t invited because they’re too quiet?

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  22. Is this similar? My husband wanted to go to a football game with his brother, but his brother is tied at the hip to his wife, the sister-in-law. It’s not that hubby doesn’t like SIL, but rather, he wanted to spend time with his brother…alone, so he said he didn’t want her to go. Apparently, it was a thing. They never went to the game.

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  23. This is a sticky situation and there are just too many variables. I think it has to be worked out with the individual circumstances. I have situations like that, and I just usually set up something that would just naturally include just my friend and me.

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