Over the summer my daughter got me hooked on this awful reality dating show. I openly admit it quickly became a guilty pleasure.

The show was called “Are You the One”. The premise was that there’s a group of twenty something’s, in the case of the season that I watched there were equal numbers of women and men, and I think there were about 14 in total. Before coming on the show, the contestants were subject to personality tests and interviews, and their friends and families were interviewed. After review, each contestant was said to have a perfect match that would be in the house/on the show with them. The trick was to figure out who your perfect match was.

Cheesy. Tawdry. Ridiculous. A way for people to just sleep around in the hope that they spot their person.

I was all in for the ride.

So once you get past the drama and the craziness of a house filled with horny, attractive people, you get down to the concept of a computer finding your perfect match. And I had to wonder: should there be a computer generated dating show for people that are older?

When you’re young and looking for love, you may have unreal expectations as to what your ideal partner would be. But when you’ve been around the block a few times, you get down to knowing what does and doesn’t matter. You’ve made the mistakes, you’ve paid for the mistakes, and in many cases you’ve returned the mistakes. Would an older person be more ready to accept what the computer says is the ideal person for you?

Should we trust the science when it comes to relationships?

Does a computer know best who our person should be?

What do you think of computer generated matches for compatibility? Do you think a computer would be better at finding a mate than a person looking across a crowded room and seeing someone?

Discuss:

79 thoughts on “Look at Love”

  2. Have you watched the Indian matchmaking show on Netflix? I think the computer matchmaking is the “same thing,” just on the computer — the MODERN computer version of matching people. LOL – my grandfather used to say there is a “lid for every pot.” I think luck / timing is involved in meeting someone. The Universe either has someone in mind or not. So, we need to live life, try new things and see what happens. I heard someone say, “meeting someone has a to be organic.” LOL — the new description for LUCK/TIMING – ORGANIC.

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      1. It’s the similar. Compare… They each get a profile / picture of each person. Find out likes/dislikes, etc. They each create an overall profile. Difference, Indian matchmaker meets with parents too, understands where they live, financial background, etc. Otherwise, there isn’t much to go on UNTIL two people meet and see if they like each other. SAME with the TV show. They put them in a house to see who “hooks up.” SAD that this is the way people feel they need to meet nowadays.

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      1. The people who looked for true love on the apps were most hung up about the spark which wasn’t available to “feel” until they met in real life. As soon as they did, if the spark wasn’t there (i.e. if the chemistry wasn’t immediate) most of them left the potential of a further connection, regardless of how much time they invested in getting to know, and liking the person, via the virtual realm.
        As you know I have content on this but the final product is not readable (yet) so when I’m done this dog sitting stint here (6 days, I’m on day 2) I may find some time to re-visit this elusive spark thing and finally finish writing it. 😉

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  4. I think it’s always going to be subject to “bad data in, bad information out”. Until someone can find a completely objective way to describe someone, it won’t work. I’m pretty sure my husband and I would not have matched based on what I thought I wanted.

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  5. I read Date Lab in the Washington Post every week. They match people based on the information from their applications. There are rarely second dates. What looks good on paper isn’t necessarily good in real life.
    I do, however, hate the volume of people who enjoy the date but opt out of a second one because there was no instant “spark”

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  6. If something seems appealing to an individual and they are comfortable jumping in then who am I to tell them not to try it. Maybe they would meet someone interesting. Would I do it? No.

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      1. I say that because I think people may be shooting themselves in the foot by going in with that love or nothing expectation. I wish I had done that 40 years ago.

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  7. Matching with someone based on a computer’s compatibility program sounds like a good idea, but to me it can’t capture the “in person” feel you get. You can like all the same things and yet it doesn’t necessarily mean there will be a physical connection. That is an important part of finding someone. I’m all about the spark, as others have commented. There has to be that emotional/physical chemistry not necessarily capture by a computer.

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  8. There is so much more to marriage/finding the one for life than a computer can be programmed to assess.
    –Side note: here I go again with signing in. If the problem is that I am not “signed in,” then how am I recognized on other blogs including my own? WordPress has a glitch.

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    1. I will contact the happiness police. Thank you! I just wonder if a computer can home out values …statistically, half of the marriages end in divorce..

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      1. It’s great that you are open-minded.

        I laughed at my reaction to your wording. The subject is date-matching. I came to “the other side” and said to myself, the other side is death — until death do us part.

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  10. My son will marry his computer matched fiancé on October 19. I don’t know though if I could go that route. Honestly, I never had much trouble meeting girls all those years ago and computer dating hadn’t been invented yet so I just can’t relate. Never watched any of those shows though, but I think you described the premise perfectly.

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  11. I am really not sure. I think computer-wise my husband and I would never have been a match. We are so opposite in just about everything but he says he had the spark the minute he saw me. I didn’t feel it then. 40 (married 38) years later we’re still together. Two of our adult kids have tried the dating apps but haven’t found the one. They may be waiting for the spark because of how their dad talks about it? Or maybe there is that special match for everyone and they just haven’t met that person yet. Life is a mystery.

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  12. Love is NOT a science, nor can it be computer-generated or found. I would never ever have been matched with my guy. NOT. EVER. And he is so perfect for me (in so many imperfect ways) that it’s scary. (38 years so far….) So, let our heart/gut rule on this one. Every time. 🙂

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    1. Well, statistically, 50% get it wrong, assuming when people get married they love their partner. I don’t know how good everyone’s intuition is. But congrats to you!

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      2. I wouldn’t think grades would make a good match. Y daughter put down she gets up early. The person also wrote that, and it turned out she didn’t get up early, which drove my daughter crazy

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  15. as on online dater, I’d say the site that most closely aligns with this is eharmony. it asks a multitude of questions, opinions, etc. and then sends you matches. problem is you can’t look through the site and find your own unless one of them finds you.

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      1. I’m going to say what is revealed as your basic approach to situations offered, and questions that show your values and priorities in life – didn’t work for me, but I know it has for others

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      2. The older I get, the more I think it’s all about values. I don’t think you can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t share the vast majority of your values

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  17. If it is done (compatibility) I believe it is by accident. The number of questions asked are quite limiting no matter how many. No, I don’t want to see a dating show about old folk. But then I don’t want to see one about twenty somethings either! Though I am glad you are having some fun!

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  18. I think it all just depends on the perspective. I mean there are people who are still old school and do not believe in modernized online dating. But there are others who have found the perfect match for them from dating sites

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  19. I know quite a few happily married/together people who met on dating apps, most of them also had an active social circle. There is definitely a science behind attraction, experiential predictors and probabilities no matter how tempting it is to think we are not beholden to our subconscious. The way I see it, I met my partner in a different era where they didn’t exist, but if someone yearns for a connection who am I to judge the way they look for it.

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  21. I must have missed this post and just saw it tonight.oh boy I could tell you stories!
    As you age meeting people is more challenging. A year or so after my husband died a friend of mine came over and helped me go on J Date. We both filled out profiles. Keep in mind I was much younger at the time, wasn’t gray, and looked darn good for my age. AND I put my real age on the profile snd snapped a selfie and she did the same. . But what was interesting was my friend and I found guys we knew from college or high school on the site. Everyone of them lied about their age, used a picture that was years old, she even found her ex hubby on there who was remarried and pretended he was single. It was crazy. I did meet a couple of nice men thru the site. One who I am still friends with and we took adult learning classes at the college sometimes but there was no “spark”On my end. He proposed after three dates. Way too fast for me, no thank you! I had never even kissed him! At least He was honest about his age. The other was nice but much older than he said. At the time I felt he was nice but I considered him too old for me and I didn’t like that he fibbed about his age. Oh,. I’d meet at a book store or Starbucks ( in public) to chat in the afternoon.. safer. Boy, did. I met a bunch of nuts! I met a man who neglected to mention he was missing an arm and a leg. I have nothing against amputees. But his picture didn’t show that. So, I wasn’t quite prepared for that. Another, I swear was a dwarf. Again, not in the profile pic. I have nothing against little people. I mean I adore the actor Peter Dinklage but he doesn’t hide that he’s a dwarf. And I think he’s sexy. But on a profile shouldn’t perhaps height be mentioned? I dunno. Maybe not. My friend had a man meet her at Barnes snd nobles pull out viagra and ask her for a quickie! So No I didn’t find on line dating a positive for me.
    I tend to take a decent picture, so my photos I posted were recent, and not decades old. The best story was the guy who said he was 58, pulled up in an assisted living bus, got out with a walker and had to have been 90! I joked and said are you sure you are in you 50’s. He had the nerve to say, “Everyone lies, be glad you are getting a date with a man. “ I left. Not cuz he was old but because he was rude. Back all those years ago I set the dating age of men I’d like to meet from 55- 70. I was 60 or 61 at the time . My husband was 7 years younger and died at 55. . But the plethora of responses were guys pushing 85 but said they were 60. My father was Still alive then and I didn’t want to date someone my dad’s age. . So yeah I stopped dating altogether. I’m not s party person. If I met someone when I went places they were usually married or I didn’t connect with them. . I wasn’t looking for Brad Pitt. Just a nice guy close in age. I got weird me. Who lied about their age. So I don’t recommend them . But the sites work for some people. Meeting in person is the best way. Anyhow about 12 years ago I wrote s blog about the dating mishaps on another site all those years ago. Oh And my friend Kept getting stiffed for coffee and pastry whenever she met up at Starbucks. Lol what ever works for you all is ok by me

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    1. A lot of people do lie, but there’s a difference between showing a slightly old photo, and claiming to be in your fifties and showing up in an assisted living bus!!

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      3. I apologize for writing a bizarre novel. It was in the middle of the night and I was clearly rambling and over tired. Forgive my grammar and mistakes I made on my phone. Lol . But here’s my question to you LA. HOW HONEST should someone be on a dating site? I remember I wrote down my interests, things like art, music, poetry, theatre etc. (I am not into hiking or boating etc. so I wasn’t going to pretend I was going to climb a mountain or go camping. I also briefly listed my politics since I didn’t want to get into political debates. I got “hits” or whatever they were called, but I doubt most men even read what I wrote. They just liked my picture. In fact I included two pictures so they would see they were current. One inside , one outside.
        But just how honest should someone be on a site. I purposely didn’t respond to someone photographed hunting, fishing or boating because that’s not my thing. And 90 percent of the men on dating sites felt it necessary to pose shirtless. Why? Most Men over 60 should wear a shirt in their profile picture. I dunno. I guess if I were younger. But I think men over a certain age think women are so desperate they want a guy even if he’s 100. My gal pals ( at the time we were all in our 50’s or early 60’s) and I all had similar experiences. We all stopped going on those sites. It just wasn’t for us. I think if your younger it works better.

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      4. That’s actually a great blog idea…how honest should you be? Ok…scheduling that…but to answer the short question…I think if you have a non negotiable. Like I don’t want smoking or drug use. I would be real honest about that. I don’t think I’d lie about my age, but knowing others do might sway me. That’s a really great question.

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      5. Yeah, it’s interesting. For instance now that I’m 73, I might round down to 70 lol. (Not that it would make a difference). I did write non smoker, no drugs etc. I felt that was important. My friend and I briefly went on match and it was much the same. What we did find was that men in their 50’s and 60’s wanted much younger women and so most of the time only older guys wanted to look for women over 50. That’s why for more mature women it’s not really as good as meeting in person. One man told my friend on line that he never dates any one her age. ( She’s a couple years younger than I am) She rides. Her bike everywhere and is in fabulous shape. And this was about 14 years ago so she was in her mid 50’s then. He never even wanted to meet her for coffee. So there was age discrimination on line too. Maybe it’s changed now but I doubt it.

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  23. Pingback: Is Lying on a Dating App the Norm – Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

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