Say you’re annoyed at someone…

Is it better to talk to the person about it

or

is it better to talk to someone else about it?

What are the things that go into your decision on how you handle a situation?

I’ll give you a real life example of a recent situation and how I handled it:

We were at my sister in laws house for Rosh Hashanah. We were at the table and there were about ten people. My Mother in law made a joke about how she wasn’t leaving anyone any money.

I said, in a joking manner:

Good for you. We don’t want it. Spend it all and have a great time– (this is truly my philosophy- spend your money and don’t worry about an inheritance)

My Mother in Law got incensed. I mean irate. She started yelling:

Don’t tell me how to spend my money. I’ll spend it the way I want it. Don’t you dare tell me what to do.

Then she literally got about an inch away from my face and said

When I give your daughter money it’s because I want to. It’s my choice.

The tone was threatening. There was malice in her eyes and tone and everything. I mean she went absolutely batshit crazy.

I did not engage her.

While this was happening, my Husband was stepping on my foot. This pissed me off as well.

I do not plan on talking about this incident with my Mother in Law. Frankly, I don’t think I could be calm enough to discuss it with her rationally without saying something I will regret later.

My Husband however. I did tell him that I was not happy with his Mother, which he acknowledged was just crazy behavior. I did tell him that I did not appreciate the stepping on my foot like I was to blame for this.

When we were recounting the story over the phone to my daughter, my Husband said that I shouldn’t have been talking to his Mother.

I’m supposed to sit at dinner, next to his Mother, and not talk?

This was a situation where I was mad, and trust me, I let my husband know that I was SUPER ANNOYED at that comment. He did apologize, but it took my daughter saying- OMG Dad- would you apologize to Mom over that ridiculously stupid comment that you just made?

So to recap:

  1. My Mother in Law really made me mad, but I don’t think it is beneficial to speak to her about it because she is passive aggressive as a rule, and I don’t think she would rationally listen to me and my side.
  2. I did talk about this incident with my Husband and daughter because I didn’t like the way my Mother in Law treated me, and I had to vent. At some point this week I will also tell my girl squad about it as well
  3. My Husband did annoy me with both the foot pressing and the comment, and boy did I tell him how I felt about both

So why did I choose to engage one and not the other?

  1. If I don’t tell my Husband how what he does affects me and my state of mind, I will implode. In this case his behavior really made me mad and I felt it was uncalled for. This was a non negotiable for me.
  2. I do not get on my Husband’s case for smaller things. There are things that I let go, because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter to me.
  3. I did not engage my Mother in Law, and don’t plan to, because she is a vengeful person. She already doesn’t like me. To engage would just make things worse.

So- do you always tell people how you feel, or do you let things slide? How do you determine which course you will take?

Discuss:

66 thoughts on “Get it Out…

  1. I think that is a no win situation. I think when people make statements like that(about money) they are being dramatic and perhaps unconsciously trying to create drama. My mom has made many statements about changing her will in the past. I don’t even look at her or say anything–because she is looking for drama.

    I might be a little annoyed with your husband’s role in the matter–but I have also been in his shoes before. After my dad died my mom constantly talked about moving back to her hometown. I mean constantly. I think I knew she was perhaps seeking a reaction but would never follow through. One day my husband was there and he suggested she should do that very thing–sell her house and move back to her hometown. She then accused him of wanting to sell her house behind her back without her consent. How can you argue with that kind of crazy?

    We should be able to screen our partners for crazy parents before we marry–but then no one would have married me.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I tend to let things slide. I definitely do when it comes to my MIL unless it affects the kids because I know my wife would no react well to anything about her mom.
    I also agree with you on the money. My wife’s family is the exact opposite. For them it is all about never spending and piling up savings to pass on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s like she wants to throw the money in our face, like money is the important and only important thing. And tbh, she’s not a millionaire or anything, so really…it’s not like it’s the patriarch from succession

      Liked by 2 people

  3. My husband and I just went out to work in our front driveway this morning at 6:00 am. Hurricane Ian missed us in the Tampa Bay area. We quietly bagged 10 bags of palm fronds, branches, etc. and never once argued about the best method, mostly. We are just happy to be okay and it puts things in perspective. We also never lost electricity. On the other hand, I have learned with students that some want you to react, so they can react. Sometimes the best is to handle it gently and maneuver slowly.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I probably would have handled it the same way. If I know the situation will only get worse by talking to a person, I just walk away from it. I WILL talk to my husband when something bothers me and want him to talk to me as well, otherwise, we will eventually become the person full of unsaid anger…and in a marriage, that bomb will go off at some point!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes, ideally you have to focus on the relationship with your husband first and settle that issue. Then there are those people, and you have your share of them within your family group sadly, that can’t really be rationalized with. Speaking with them is useless, however you do have to talk those situations out to work through your emotions and reactions. That’s where the friends come in as neutral and caring ears.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I bite my tongue so much I’m surprised it’s still in one piece…let me tell you the flower story…my sister in law asked us to bring flowers for the centerpieces. I asked her to send a picture of the vases. She said she was too busy to take a pic, but just to buy x$ amount because that’s how much she spends

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m surprised I’m walking upright and my eyes don’t spin in my head. I’m doing my restorative yoga today and boy I hope it chills me out. I went for my wellness exam yesterday and my blood pressure, while still normal, was high normal, and my “normal” blood pressure is low…so yeah…

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I have 2 similar encounters and how I handled them, I was at a brewery with friends, just as Covid was kicking up. Two of the ladies have school age teenagers. School was still in and I asked, what happens if the teachers get sick? The one lady went bat shit crazy in my face. Yelling about how she has an immune system blah, blah blah. I got up, paid my part of the tab, finished my beer and left. I told our mutual friend do not invite me to any event that she is also invited to. THE END! Recently my daughter got married and my parents cancelled at the very last moment. Welp we had many guests, and I was busy before, during and after the wedding. I called my parents several days afterwards and asked “ok what is the real story?” Mom went bat shit crazy, told me I was selfish and was not allowed in her house ever again and hung up the phone. Persona no grata. After several return calls and hangups I was finally able to speak to my father and explain that their excuse for cancelling was not believed by anyone so what is the real issue? My mother and I have not spoken of the incident since. We simply don’t talk about it. Another option available to you. I personally would stay as far away from her as possible and when at the same event, be cordial and dont mention money ever again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? FYI…my mils flight back to Florida got cancelled…(hurricane) and she came to stay with us yesterday. As I’m writing this, my husband is on with airline trying to get her on a flight today as opposed to rescheduled Saturday…😆

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I think you triggered her by saying “we don’t want it,” but everything else you said was fine. She should not have brought it up if she didn’t want you talking about her money.

    I’m sorry your husband wasn’t there for you in that moment. I have no relationship with my MIL. Her personality is similar to that of your mother-in-law. Please accept my heartfelt sympathies. 😘

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I would have handled it the same as you I think. There is no pleasing some people so no matter what you would have said about the $ probably would have set her off. And yes, I would definitely have talked to my husband. Might have even kicked him under the table if he had stepped on my foot. I sometimes wonder if I should tell the kids about their weird relative’s behavior but then I figure they are all adults now and can usually spot the crazy themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I want to share a recent incident here. It happened with a Contractor whom I had hired to paint and polish the doors and windows and some of the furnitures. My mother being a bronchial patient and very ill for the past ten years I could not get these things done as scraping and the smell of polish could have worsened her condition. Now, after ten years when parts of the ceiling started breaking down I had to per force get these repairs and renovations done. I had explained all these to the Contractor. Generally I appoint those who have been working for our household for donkeys years. This man being new I found him unnecessarily inquisitive and non cooperative. I got cheesed off and whenever he would be upto some mischief I would tell him off. So two days back he said he was very uncomfortable working in my flat. I told him he should stop working then. By this time half the work was done and more than half the payment made. I would have stopped the work but my brother in law (sister’s husband) intervened and work continued. Somehow I felt the mediation that took place was on wrong premise. The man misbehaved. He worked with machine which created a lot of noise and chemical fumes and was not good for my mother. I had told him in the very beginning to do hand painting. Also he had issues taking instructions from a lady. But during mediation a softer approach was adopted which was kind of a justification of my behaviour with him. I shared this with my friend but I though want to tell my BIL but I can’t because I think he will not understand and is very judgemental about me.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I tend to avoid confrontations, so I try to ease the tension. I do, however, get really angry at my husband and let it all out. He has a habit of contradicting me when we’re with other people. “That’s not true!” he’ll say when I am correct. What is that about? I call him out on it.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Well that would have been an unpleasant dinner for you. And like you I would let it pass at the time. i certainly wouldn’t re-interact with that person. But I would have to vent to someone else. I never had the situation where I had to deal with the mother in law, she was dead years before I met my husband. But I do know from others that dealing with a mother in law can be difficult. I think you handled this situation perfectly

    Like

  12. I don’t engage with irate people or if I do, I remain as calm as possible. If my wife and I have a disagreement, I usually diffuse by going to the bedroom. I’d honestly prefer to let things slide.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. But see if disengage with an irate person, they get confused and wonder why your not yelling back. Eventually they start to feel foolish. Not worth the effort. Your MIL sounds like such a “fun” time. Rude in regards to your husband, he shouldve stuck up for you.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I would just walk away. My situation is rather unique, but I never cling to family because of blood relations. My personal experience is there will be nothing but trouble.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think you handled it well. And I am sure yoir husband learned a lesson as well. LOL!
    I do have to admit tbat there have been times I have nudged or given the eye to my husband when his Dad is talking and on some crazy rant. For like your MIL, saying more just stirs the pot! Better to bite your tongue and just be quiet!
    But you weren’t saying anything wrong so No, I wouldn’t have stepped on your foot!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In a way I was almost glad this happened in front of a lot if people…because when she talks bad about me I think people will really get the picture

      Like

  15. Oh my goodness! Same MIL that went crazy rude at a bar mitzvah? No point in confronting her–there would never be resolution. Whether I confront or not depends on the person I have the problem with, same as you. Your husband’s stepping on your foot? It depends. Was he actually stepping on your foot or putting pressure on it as if to say, “Don’t do it, LA. Don’t do it! That I can understand. Telling you not to talk to the person sitting next to you at a family event is wrong–even if it is his crazy mother. Your daughter took the high road with her dad; fortunately he must be a pretty good guy or he could have blown his temper with her. He doesn’t seem to be cut from the same cloth as his mother. 👏

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Oh my gosh! I want to smack your Mom in law! What a rude brat! But you handled it correctly. Obviously, you can’t talk or reason with a person like that. No matter what you would have said, she’d turn it around on you. BUT, no offense, I’d be angry at your husband too. First of all in my opinion, he needed to tell his mother to just stop it. You made a joke and she flipped out. If he or your FIL has just said to her to drop it , it was a comment said in jest. Then she might have let it go. But they threw you to the wolves. Or wolf. .

    For gosh sake it was Rosh Hashanah. A new year where you set new goals, you get along with others, right the wrongs you’ve done and she messed all that up. As far as I’m concerned your behavior represented how people are supposed to act on the high holidays. Light hearted, jovial, kind etc. SHE was so in the wrong. OMG what’s wrong with her? She was waiting to start a fight!

    I usually address the person who I feel was wrong or who upset me. But in this case I feel there was no winning. She wouldn’t hear anything you said. It’s like she was planning for this. Looking for anything to be hostile to you. So I probably would have handled it like you did. Then privately I would have told my husband he should have come to your defense because you Did nothing wrong.. And if he wants to step on anyone’s foot it should be his mother’s foot not yours. It sounds like she probably bullied his family his entire life. Ugh! So sorry you had to deal with that.
    I’ve had two moms in law. The second one was not particularly nice. But yours takes the cake.
    Honestly, I don’t know if I could put up with her. Good for you for being the bigger person. I’m still stunned at her explosive reaction. Yikes!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Exactly. There was no win in this situation. And yes…I was really annoyed with my husband.. it so much for not saying something, but for the foot pressing and such. I was not happy. And she does this all the time. This time, the audience was bigger

      Like

  17. In short, I think you handled it right,especially since you and your mil don’t seem to get along.
    In general, if I have a problem with someone like this I will confront, hopefully in a non threatening way, but only if I feel it will do some good. You know yourself that you can sometimes talk to someone and just get nowhere. That is only a waste of time, and I don’t have enough of that. But each case is different and you have to be able to make a quick decision, which too often is no the best. Better to step back and think it through. I think you did that here.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s my mother in law. What’s worse is that she has no boundaries. She ended up staying with us because her flight was delayed. Do you know how many times she told me that we must gut our apartment and she would pay for it. I don’t want her money because I feel like it comes with strings. I’ve gone off on a tangent, but yeah…

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh boy. I definitely vent to friends and sometimes that’s all I need, just to get it out. I also vent to myself, during a brisk walk and the issue always works its way through and is diffused over time. BUT, some things need attention, as you say. I would have handled it the same way you did. Family stuff…ack.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. There are some people in this world that it does more harm than good to address these issues with. It’s those ones I’d spend as least amount of time with as I could. I kind of think your husband should have maybe stepped in and stuck up for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. It depends on the relationship, how much I care about the relationship, if I can just let it go (which I usually cannot), and if I think it’s worth not having a relationship, should the person not have the space to hear what I’m saying (which oftentimes, they do not).

    For example, I’ll always tell my husband if he’s done something to piss me off.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I hit like on the post because I think you handled it best for you considering the people and personalities involved as you described the situation and your rationale and what worked for you here. It’s probably hard to generalize because the people and subject and reactions are usually pretty specific.

    Liked by 1 person

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