My Husband’s Aunt and Uncle recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. While on a Zoom call with them my Husband asked the following:

What is your secret to a long marriage?

They both answered at the same time:

Separate Bedrooms

They said that potential pitfalls like snoring, reading, TV watching, restlessness, temperature, cover hogging etc are non existent when there are separate bedrooms. Each person got to sleep under optimum conditions and woke up happy and ready to face the day. They are much kinder to one another since adopting this sleeping situation.

A friends Aunt said it’s:

Ask for forgiveness rather than permission

My parents said:

Separate televisions

so our points to consider today:

  1. Are separate bedrooms is the key to a long marriage? Why or why not.
  2. What do we think about asking forgiveness instead of permission?
  3. Two TV’s?

What do you think is the key to a long marriage?

99 thoughts on “Secret to the Marriage Success”

  2. I can see why two bedrooms could work. Two TVs are nice, but not sure it has had an impact on the marriage. The permission/forgiveness thing really depends on what you are doing. It worked for me in the working world, but in marriage could be an issue.
    Communication is key. Compromise.

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  3. Interesting!
    “To each, it’s own”—I believe, it is basically “mutual trust, understanding, communication, space” and many more such reasons, which leads to long lasting marriages, or any relationship, for that matter.

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  7. Hmmm… I think it’s respect, openness, honesty, communication, faithfulness, sharing equal responsibilities, and allowing each other to maintain their individuality and creative independence.

    Personally I’m offended by the comment of permission and forgiveness. This isn’t the 1950’s. Partners are supposed to be equal. No adult needs to ask for permission to do anything. If there is open communication couples can discuss things but permission? That’s a bizarre outdated.misogynistic concept of marriage in my opinion. What would anyone need permission for? May I buy a new purse? May I sleep with our hunky new neighbor? Sorry, but that concept is weird. And asking for forgiveness? That implies somebody really messed up. Or that one partner is superior to the other or has to grant permission for existing and is subservient. That’s not an equal relationship. I wouldn’t want a marriage where I asked permission to be who I am.
    I have never been a subservient woman so I don’t believe marriage is about one person being in power and the other having to ask permission to do things. That sounds cult like to me.

    I think each couple has to decide what works best for them. Sleeping in separate bedrooms? That can work later in life I suppose. My late husband died of pancreatic cancer. Near the end of his life his care meant he needed a separate hospital type bed because of his health needs but it wasn’t in another room. However, whatever works I suppose is best for different individuals. My parents bought two of those hospital type beds and pushed them together . It was kind of cute. But they always slept in the same room. However I’m not opposed to separate rooms at times. I had shingles in my 50’s and made my husband sleep in the guest room so he wouldn’t catch it.

    After my (second) husband died I chose not to remarry. Mainly because I found most men my age wanted a caregiver not a partner and I figured i already raised my kids, nursed a sick husband and didn’t want to be a care giver again.
    My advice? Don’t get married too young. First hubby and I were only 20. We are still friends today but never should have married in the first place. Second husband was 7 years younger. That marriage lasted 23 years before he got sick. By the time I was single again I really wasn’t interested in new relationships any more. So I’m not the expert on growing old with someone. My friends who aren’t divorced all complain about their husbands being helpless etc. so I dont know any perfect couples. My parents were truly devoted to one another. But my mom died in her mid 70’s and my father lived to 90. He never got over her death. It was really heartbreaking. I say, love one another and just try your best.

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    1. Completely agree about getting married too young. You need to learn who who are, and early twenties still time for exploration. You won’t be a good partner if you don’t know who you are

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  9. My smart-aleck answer is all of the above! 😆 But, if I had to answer, I would say communication; mutual respect, compassion and understanding; a willingness to listen and admit when you’ve been wrong; shared goals & values; and deep belief that plenty of things will come and go, but “I do” ranks above them all … have all worked well for us. (We haven’t resorted to separate bedrooms yet … but if I keep snoring my wife may throw me out yet!!!)😂😂

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  11. At the wedding we went to Saturday they had a box with cards so people could put in words of advice to the newlyweds who are both in their mid-30’s. First wedding for her, maybe second for him but no kids. Communication is my number one. Also to remember that it’s not always going to be easy. Congrats to your husband’s aunt and uncle. There may be something to the separate bedroom thing. My hubby has been sleeping on the couch since he hurt his back and we haven’t found a mattress that doesn’t bother him and honestly, since he has the TV on the whole night while I prefer to read and then have it quiet, the separate sleeping arrangements have been working well. Now I don’t know if I want to keep trying to find a mattress that works for him – LOL.

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  12. As someone who got married young (21) and was plenty mature enough to know what I was doing, and someone who’s been married for nearly 55 years, I’d say mutual respect and being supportive of each other’s needs and aspirations are key. And, of course, unconditional love.

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    1. My daughter is 20 and quite mature in certain ways. There’s no way she’s mature enough for marriage, nor are her friends. That being said, respect is key. Unconditional love I’m iffy on…I wonder if it’s more knowing that sometimes you might not love the person, but you still respect them

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      2. I think it’s both ways. I’ve know people who got divorced because they weren’t in “love” anymore and the regretted it afterwards because they realized it was just an off time

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      3. Now we’re diving into the mystery of what is ‘in love’? I’m not sure I ever fall out of love with someone. I still love the men of my past on some level, but chose not to live with them. I get what you’re saying and it’s not the time to run off in ‘reactionary’ mode. For me, each time, we simply wanted different paths. The men liked the path they were on, but I wanted more than they were willing to offer on a consistent basis.

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  14. I obviously don’t know or I wouldn’t be divorced. 😂 I agree with Donna though with separate bathrooms. I remember my ex husband always thought that was a good time to talk as I was getting ready. There are no TV’s in my home, so a man probably wouldn’t survive here very long if that was important to him. 💖

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  16. Communication and respect are the two main ones I feel. For if you respect each other than you are going to be faithful to each other and apologize when you hurt each other, which will happen, no matter how in love you are! We aren’t perfect and we will let each other down. If you respect each other than the permission thing will be okay as well. It just really all ties together.
    I know of couples that have separate bedrooms and it works really well for them. I am not ready for that yet but who knows what may happen as we get older. With my crazy hormones I feel like I am up half the night anyway so my husband does kind of know the feeling of having the bed to himself. LOL!

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  17. Lots of great answers here. I think most people got married because they were treated special and with love before they got married. They went out of their way to talk, listen, say sorry, and be considerate. I think in a sense the answer is – keep dating your spouse after your married. Keep winning them every day.

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  18. Are separate bedrooms the key to a long marriage? Not necessarily.
    What do we think about asking forgiveness instead of permission? How about discuss things more often so you’re on the same page to begin with, thus no need for either.
    Two TV’s? Of course.

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  19. Our 58th anniversary is coming up. On Long Island we had separate FLOORS! Today we sleep in adjoining rooms, and the door is what keeps our marriage alive. He loves NY radio almost 24 hours a day, and I treasure silence. We watch no TV.

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  20. I’m in the separate bedroom camp only because my sleep habits are pretty much incompatible with every man I ever shared a bed with…😀

    I need space and privacy to sleep sleep. And the room has to be “just so”. Separate bathroom a close second.

    But don’t ask me, I’m not even married… 😉

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  22. Approaching 50th anniversary next month. In the last year we decided to give separate bedrooms a try because we kept unintentionally waking each other up all night. It was exhausting. We are both sleeping better now which is really critical to health and happiness. It works well too because I like to stay up late reading with some light in the room and he is ready to sleep sooner and so he wakes up early. Aging gradually changed things for us. As to the “secret” of a long marriage? For me it is commitment—to each other and to the marriage.

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  23. Find somebody who laughs at your jokes when others roll their eyes.

    I personally wouldn’t want separate bedrooms, but I’m not going to judge if that works for certain couples. Likewise the separate TVs. But, I feel like asking for forgiveness is basically giving yourself carte blanche rein to do whatever you want. That’s just asking for trouble if you’re looking for a successful marriage.

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  24. I hope it’s okay if I add another comment. I remember someone asking a man why he had a hat hanging from his bedpost. (This man and his wife had separate beds but in the same room) The man smiled and said that when he wanted company he would toss his hat over on his wife’s bed. The man winked and said sometimes she would toss it back and other times she brought it back.

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  25. Last year we were at a wedding reception and they had that dance where all of the couples go out on the dance floor, until it’s just the longest married couple. As it turned out, the grandparents of the bride had already went home so we won. The DJ stuck his microphone into our faces and asked this same question- “have any advice ?” First thought that popped into my head, was, “it takes work!” I tried to think of something cute but that’s what came out of my mouth. 🙂 A healthy marriage relationship is like a plant..it is a living thing. There are things you can do to enhance it, make it flourish, and there are things you can do in terms of neglect. It can go without water and sunlight for a spell, but make no mistake, the principles of sowing and reaping are just as relevant in marriage as in any area of life.

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  26. This is a big fail for me so I simply cannot comment. My brother and his wife just had their 55th wedding anniversary yesterday. She tells me it is luck. Hmmmm

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  28. I do know couple with separate bedrooms. For a while we toyed with the idea of twin beds close together so his restlessness didn’t bother this light sleeper. But he’s calmer now and a big bed helps. Keeping a good attitude and being supportive of one another is good. Having some shared activities and eating dinner together work for us.

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  29. We’ve known each other for around four decades, married for a little less than that. During this time we’ve both driven each other up and down walls. The glue here is a big sense of humour, genuine consideration for each other and knowing the spouse thoroughly well. If two people cannot get along, separate bedrooms and two TVs also won’t help.
    And all the little things which let one overlook/tolerate things one would hate in others.

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    1. If I’m restless, I go to the couch. My husband does the same. I get the two bedroom thing completely though I don’t know if I would do it

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  31. Longevity of marriage is not necessarily an indicator of the state of the marriage. So many couples remain married for reasons which are entirely outside of their mutual happiness, or how good a marriage it is. To me, the quality of the marriage is way more important than how long it’s lasted.

    Choices made to facilitate the health and well-being of one or other are positive, those made to ensure you get what you want rather than having to compromise, are negative – in my opinion, of course.

    Himself & I choose to do things together. Sometimes they’re things he’s interested in, sometimes things which matter to me. We remain in the same room when the TV is on – even if only one of us is watching, because spending what time we have available to us in separate rooms seems alien to us. We go to bed at the same time to fit in with his work requirements, and whoever wakes up first at the weekend, remains in bed waiting for the other to awake – because we like to be together. It may be yucky, but I’ve seen – and at close quarters – what it’s like when you stay together for negative reasons rather than positive ones.

    As for asking for forgiveness (or permission) – WTAF? Talk about it, discuss it, agree it – then there’s no need for either.

    Keys to a happy long relationship? Communication, respect, shared sense of humour & values, wanting to be in one another’s company.

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    1. Agreed that longevity is not an indicator of the state. But that brings me to two things….1) at least they didn’t kill each other, so that’s saying something and 2) how do you define successful marriage? If one person is blissfully happy but the other is bleh…is it successful?

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      1. Not killing each other is certainly a positive 😉 if not what I’d call a happy marriage. I’d define a successful marriage as one in which both parties are happy. Of course relationships have difficulties, as well as peaks & troughs, but overall both need to be happy. If one person is consistently or frequently unhappy, then it cannot be considered a successful union – not in my opinion.

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  32. separate houses according to my husband – half jokingly. Relationships are always so great at the start because we make time, we have dates, we get ready to meet up. So I kinda half agree with him, if we lived in separate houses we would make more of an effort – I say this from the couch still in pyjamas – having just not bothered at all today

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  34. le sigh
    Ironically, or not, since I’ve accepted that you and I are on some type of aligned frequency, I’ll be blogging about compromise soon. In the meantime, here are some answers:

    Are separate bedrooms is the key to a long marriage? Why or why not.
    Hmmm…I’ve heard of this before, and I suppose if you have that many differences in sleeping, then this is probably best, especially if the nighttime is the only issue.

    What do we think about asking forgiveness instead of permission?
    I don’t think married people should have to ask permission to be adults; however, I also think you should be considerate and actually consider your mate, if there’s a decision that will impact the household.

    Two TV’s?
    This is necessary, but not necessary for a long marriage lol

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    1. 😉 I think it is about compromise…figuring out you can respect one another as individuals so that you can be a couple..whatever works…

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  36. My parents say the secret to a long marriage is letting the little things go. They’ve been married for 42 years.

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  39. I’ve now been married 32 years and I find that the best thing for a long-lasting and happy marriage is finding a woman who has low expectations. Apart from that, compromise, humour and a facility with small lies are all useful.

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  40. I’d say compassion and communication are key. But I’ve also realized that it’s essential to maintain your individuality and have your own hobbies and interests, and make time for “me time” on a daily basis, even if it’s only for an hour. And 2 separate TVs is a good thing if one or the other of you likes to watch TV on a regular basis and you have very separate watching interests.

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  41. Longevity doesn’t tend to be a very reliable indicator of a solid marriage. Even hell is stable. In my experience, emotional connectedness is the key to a strong marital bond, but sadly few couples (husbands and wives) find it.

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  42. Pingback: My Year in Blogging – Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

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