By now, hopefully you know that this is experimentation week. I am using by blog as a tool to try our something about writing- playing around with different ways of telling the same part of a story. I don’t really know what it’s going to accomplish, but I thought it would make for an interesting discussion, and I’m guessing it’s going to spur me on to something else. Please be kind with critique as the following passage has not been edited and is a very rough draft. It’s the idea of the style that I’m playing with.https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2021/10/04/and-now-for-something-completely-different/ https://wakinguponthewrongsideof50.com/2021/10/05/and-now-for-something-completely-different-part-2/

First Draft of Text Message

Hey- What’s Up

Second Draft of Text Message

I wanted to talk to you about what happened. I didn’t mean to say those things, but sometimes you just push too much

Third Draft of Text Message

You know how I feel about you

Fourth Draft of Text Message

I’m sorry.

50 thoughts on “And Now for Something Completely Different- Part 3”

  1. Not strange at all if your characters are 25 or younger. Exactly the way I would envision a contemporary apology. Impersonal, brief, dare I say lazy and/or cowardly? This one says extremely modern romance to me.

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      1. Probably yes. There’s always the exception of course, but it seems like a generational thing to me. Unless the guy is older and heavily invested in tech…

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      2. Fair. But, I’m trying to figure out how to phrase this….twenty years from now, would you expect a 45 year old man to write this (having come up in this age) or is this just a trick of the young, to use written communication as opposed to verbal?

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      3. I want to HOPE that at 45 you have learned to be open and verbal with someone you appear to be close to, no matter if you come from a tech driven youth. I want the personal contact, I want to see the physical reactions of the person. That tells me so much about the real intent of the person and what they’re trying to say

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    1. My goal, if I had one, this week is to show the thinking process of a guy trying to figure out how to apologize…but how do you show thinking versus tell thinking, and what does the way it’s written tell us about the character

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    1. Thank you. This week I’ve been playing with the boys loses girl, gets her back again thing as an exercise in how we read. I’m trying to “show” thinking as as opposed to “tell” and see how the different styles conjure up different things. I’m looking at writing for readers, if that makes sense

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      1. It’s very effective and that makes perfect sense. Clearly whatever the reader makes of the “texts” can only be based on what they bring themselves.

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      2. Yes. I’m very intrigued by this right now…I expect I will have some food for thought after I finish this experiment which will lead to more posts

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    1. 😉I’ve been trying to do four different versions of the thinking process, and sort of how each version conjures up different thoughts. Sort of like, what does a reader bring to a story, if that makes sense.

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  5. It makes perfect sense. Leave room for the reader’s imagination. I’m reading a few books by Barry Eisner, and I’m starting to get annoyed by the amount of detail he used to describe the back drop of scenes. And, the books are set in Japan, so it makes it doubly hard to imagine the sections of towns and temples he refers to by name. Too much description slows down the story.

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      1. For me I need a lot of descriptions. I like a lot of details in poetry and in pros. And I like complicated characters. So I really had trouble trying to relate to these young characters. Maybe they were too young, too insincere, …but this young man just didn’t come across as three dimensional to me.. Where was his torment? His struggle? In the first installment episode with the chair, His emotions were extremely honest and raw, the other aspects of this young man didn’t mature or come fill circle. Come on… give us one more installment but give give us more!. I want to feel something beyond a text..

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      2. It all comes down to what the reader wants…this is sort of what I was trying to experiment with…what does an author owe a reader, if anything? What does a reader bring to a work as they read it

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  7. Twenty years from now, Gen Z will be in their 40s and this will probably be the way they still communicate because I don’t foresee the majority of them learning many interpersonal skills past the age of 30. Yes….I’m stereotyping and profiling! On the flip side, I’ve been guilty of “copping out” with a text apology because I simply didn’t have the energy to actually do it in person because that person is mentally exhausting. Not proud of it, but I own up to it at times. For what it’s worth, I like your second experiment the best so far. To me, it has more depth of feeling yet shows some critical thinking. 💜

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    1. Yes…will texting be an “ageless” medium in a few years, because the generation will have grown up with it? And it’s funny you say stereotype…because you’re already thinking about my future post on Monday….

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      1. It’s terrible to say and think….but sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason. We may not like it or agree, and we might want to fight to change them but we all jump to stereotype conclusions based on our experiences. I suppose I may have just written my comment for your Monday post?

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  9. I feel like I’ve been on both the receiving and sending end of this many times… I like how this format allows the reader to see the progression of thought, plus uncertainty is shown by how many drafts were needed to get to the point. And at the end of all that, the recipient only sees two words.

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  11. Very few people in my generation, including me, would communicate this way. On the other hand, trying out the various ways of saying I’m sorry, whether a mental rehearsal, verbal or written is what is often done when you are searching for the right words. I like your experiment.

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  12. I really like this and its soo real! There is definitely a thought process that goes on when apologizing. First you want to blame them…”you push too hard” then you rationalize, “you know how I feel about you!” And then at last its “I am sorry!”
    🙂

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  13. Mmmm. The iterative dance we all do at times when we are present to making responses instead of reactions. What’s most interesting about these drafts is that they are all kind, which, dependent on the context, may not always be the case, as we work through an appropriate response and stay away from reactivity.

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    1. Well, the one where he sort of blamed her wasn’t too kind. But, as a writing exercise, does the way it’s written mean you would root for them to get back together?

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  14. I didn’t see the fourth draft coming. It took me totally by surprise, because I’ve never heard or read of a man apologizing without an excuse attached.

    I’m enjoying this progression and am surprised at how the story is coming alive with so few words. He chooses a place to sit to work on his problem, decides what drink matches the situation, and takes action. Wait! He may not have sent that draft! Will I find out tomorrow?

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  15. Pingback: And Now For Something Completely Different: Part Four – Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

  16. OK. I finished this response to part three just before I read part four. It, this response, was meant for three and that’s where it will be.

    Reading your replies to responses regarding your multiple post effort to, “show not tell,” how a character might “THINK” their way through a circumstance…I think two things are determinative.. the specific circumstance…i.e. is it participation in preparation for a bank heist, or the consequence of wrong footing a romance to heartbreak.

    Thinking is outer directed..
    Feeling is inner…

    How do you feel about the twins getting accepted to Harvard?
    Great, proud, overjoyed.

    What da ya think about the twins going to Harvard?
    Where in the hell will I get the money.

    And…what do you say to that third child in the family who just barely got into a state school?

    This is interesting and fun.

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    1. I love your responses , and yes…that would be interesting to see in a piece of fiction. I’m glad you enjoyed it, because I enjoyed doing it. Of course, I am now faced with way more questions than when I started, so in the new year, expect a slew of posts based on this weeks game.

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  18. Pingback: The Conclusion – Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

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