A few months ago, my daughter and I got into a fight.

As many mother/daughter fights go, I can’t remember what we were fighting about. I also know that we were a tad nasty to one another.

When I left the house to errand/walk dog, I was still annoyed with her and she was annoyed with me. We usually say “love you” to one another when we part, but this time I know we didn’t.

We were exasperated with one another.

Now, you may remember a few months ago I told you that I was out walking the dog and I witnessed a man get hit by a van.

Well, that incident occurred on the day that she and I had our fight.

So after I returned home from errands, my daughter flew out of her bedroom and hugged me and told me how sorry she was.

See, my daughter has that “Citizen” app on her phone and saw the notice that a pedestrian was hit by a van in the neighborhood that I was going to. She knew I would be in close proximity of the accident and she got worried that it had been me.

So what’s the moral?

I guess there’s different ways you can look at this:

  1. Don’t fight over stupid things
  2. Never leave a loved one on an angry note
  3. You never know what the future holds for you

I’m sure there are a few other lessons and tidbits from this.

What do you think is the greatest lesson that we learn from this situation?

67 thoughts on “What’s The Lesson”

  2. I think 3 is a big one. So many people assume they have plenty of time to make things right or spend time with loved ones. You would think over the past year we would have learned different, but I still have people in my life who think they will have plenty of time years down the road to retire and actually enjoy life.

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      2. I still can’t do it. How many times have I told myself to pause before reacting and in the moment, it just doesn’t seem possible. That lizard brain takes over and I can’t seem to do anything about it! Believe me, I want to. I’ve seen the negative outcomes too many times.

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  6. We’re human. I don’t think it’s realistic to believe we can stop doing any of those things. I think we just have to know deep down that we are loved no matter what stupid or awful words fly out of someone’s mouth.

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    1. Good point. We are human and will continue to do stupid things. We can try to be better but really, in the heat of the moment, does all the stuff we read aboit fly right out the window?

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      1. Sure it does, that’s why there are still books and movies all over about survivor guilt, telling people you love them constantly… If the relationship is loving to begin with then even during hard verbal discussions our brain remembers that and holds onto that. It’s the long term, nasty ongoing toxic stuff that’s hard to get past and find any love underneath.

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      2. That’s a good point…if the overall take is loving, then you will remember that….though as I’m typing this my daughter got mad because she didn’t know I put laundry up…..😆

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  7. Be honest with one another, think before you speak, and imagine the reaction of your loved one. Ask yourself if it is necessary to say or point out something. Ask yourself how you are feeling. This morning I was walking the pug and this man in the neighborhood asked me two inappropriate questions: how old are you and are you retired and do you have children? I answered without thinking being truthful and then to spite him, I asked him the same exact questions and guess what, he did not want to answer how old he was. The difference is he is not a loved one and I don’t care what he thought but with your loved ones, be true. Although I am annoyed that he caught me surprised! Oh, well. Enjoy your day.

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  10. Maybe the most important lesson you took away from that day was your daughter’s ability for forgiveness and how much she loves you. I’m sure you already know that, but isn’t it nice to hear every once in a while? 🙂

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    1. She’s got to figure that out for herself. I try to limit advice and suggestions…it’s my parenting credo after having an overly involved mother who still tells me what to do

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  13. I agree with Deb that we need to realize that angry words cannot erase a lifetime of love. If we can focus on the positive, it helps us let go of the petty stuff. As the saying goes, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. Great post.

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  16. Months ago I was watching one of those ‘fly on the wall’ programs set in an A & E hospital, always remember a surgeon saying he ‘hugs his children as they leave the house in the morning and last thing at bedtime’……………….he knows more than most how fragile human life is. (Yesterday a 13 year old girl drowned in a local lake, one mistake and a family’s lives are changed for ever 😦 , very sad.)

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  17. This was indeed a wake up call for all of us.. But parents Fight with their children. They just do. In fact this morning my oldest son and I had a little tiff. He drove me to get my bloodwork at the oncologist’s office and on the way back he was on an important business call that I could hear. That happens a lot these days.
    During my cancer treatment my local son has been great about driving me to and from my oncologist’s office which is somewhat far from my home. And since I only drive locally now either my son or my sister drive me to and from chemo or to get my monthly cancer bloodwork done. Well, during the drive home today I heard something that I wanted to make a comment about. But he’s the boss at his job heading up a meeting so I didn’t want to interrupt. I privately text him letting him know I had something to tell him concerning something I heard during his meeting with his team of people. So, after his call he came up to my condo . Now, I get that my son is doing me a favor, he’s very busy and always takes time out for me. Which is pretty amazing if you think about it. But he was busy today, and I really had no reason to comment about his job. I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Unfortunately I did. He got slightly annoyed. He reminded me he’s a grown man of 48 and then afterwards apologized for being short with me saying he had to get back at work etc. I actually understood. We left with a hug, nobody was mad. And I could see he was trying to be patient and polite with me. Sheesh! I really had no business trying to put my two cents in about his meeting. It was a silly thing to do yet because I’m his mother I somehow felt entitled to give my opinion about a member of his team. Right now I think, what on earth was I thinking?
    At some point we as parents forget where our role ends and our adult children probably have to continue to remind us about that the older we both get. This whole parent child thing is just pretty crazy!
    We all just do the best we can. And sometimes people tick us off. It doesn’t mean we don’t love and appreciate them.

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    2. The mother child relationship is always hard to navigate no matter how old we, or the children are. It’s a very intimate relationship, and it’s easy to just give our opinions and such. But as long as there’s always love I’d say we are ok

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  20. My thing I learned was that other moms get angry at their daughters as well! But I’d say not to leave anybody on an angry note. I’ve heard more people say that is the one regret is being mean to somebody not knowing that would be the last time. It’s hard to remember sometimes in the heat of things, though.

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  22. Don’t take your leave following a fight without some resolution, absolutely. I can sense the fights between my daughter and me changing. They seem to have become (very indirect!) prods for me to confirm how important she is to me.

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    1. My daughter is trying to become an adult, and trying to assert her independence. At the same time she still leans on me….she’s at the training wheels stage of adulthood that was heightened by being home the past year when she shouldn’t have been

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      1. The same with mine. It’s a good observation about the past year – they’ve dealt with a lot. She would never admit it, may not be aware of it, but it’s been unsettling and made her emotionally needier.

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  23. I think the greatest lesson is never to take your loved ones for granted, and never treat them as if you do. It’s okay to argue and get annoyed with each other, but don’t let that get in the way of saying “I love you,” if that’s your usual custom. You can even be totally honest and say, “I’m mad at you right now, but I love you.”

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  24. Actually I just started reading Elin Hilderbrand’s latest beach read Golden Girl, and that is the exact premise of the first chapter….a mother arguing with her young daughter who is coming home late from partying all night and the mother leaves for her early morning jog and gets hit and killed by a driver. The mother is escorted to the afterlife by Martha her guide and then given three chances to influence/change someone’s life here on earth. I’m wondering how the daughter will deal with the guilt of that last argument/words…..

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      1. It was a different premise for her…but likely inspired by her bout with breast cancer, although that was 7 years ago. She has three children, and that’s the same number as in the book.

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  25. Anger and emotional confrontations are difficult to deal with, sometimes you need a cooling off period, a walk with the dog is a good choice. Your daughter knows she is loved, if something had happened to you in the middle of a rift, she would still know her value, worth and how you adored her. I’m a nine on the Enneagram and I tend to avoid conflict and that’s not good because issue build up and end up evincing is ways that are even more destructive and damaging then if you confront them instead of avoid. A few thoughts, C

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