I don’t even know where to begin this post, or even what I am going to actually write about. Consider this my least thought out post ever (and that’s in a world where I never actually think about what I’m writing till it’s on the page)

I am a pragmatic person. I am more emotionless than emotionfull. I usually see what’s in front of me and I put one foot in front of the other and I march on…

Obviously the past year and a half has thrown a big wrench in my carefully orchestrated thought process.

I remained pragmatic, but I began to let my emotions take center stage…My head and heart have been battling mightily this pandemic season…I was not the same OCD like person that I always was. I became a new and different version of this sort of crazy person…

I think I always appeared to be a somewhat strong person. I rarely ask for help. I just push on and get things done.

But the thing is, are strong people the ones who don’t ask for help?

Or are strong people the ones that DO ask for help?

All I know is that I asked my family (meaning my Husband and Daughter) to cut me some slack.

Did they?

No.

Not really.

Because I have always been the person who doesn’t ask for help. I have always just done what needed to be done.

And they had absolutely no idea how to help me. They only had the wherewithal to continue to ask me to help them. They didn’t actually think I needed any slack.

They assumed that I could continue to carry everything.

And I did.

I got up every morning.

I did what needed to be done.

But I saw myself becoming more insular. I started to shut myself off from everyone around me. I needed to take care of myself and I realized that o one else was ever going to help me. Scratch that. I realized my immediate family had absolutely not idea how to help me, even when I asked for it.

I’ve spent a lot of the past few months, since my ER visit, trying to show them that I am a vulnerable person. That sometimes I can’t bare the weight of everything.

They don’t like it so much.

Is there a moral to this long and whining tale?

I don’t know if I would have done anything differently if I had a time machine…I don’t think I would have changed my personality so that my family wouldn’t take me for granted…

But I do wish I had made them see that I was 150% human…and fallible…and scared…and all the emotions that I pretend I don’t have…

And as I write these words my Husband says he “needs me for 5 minutes just to make sure he has everything he needs…”

And I still wonder when anyone will ask what I need…

Thank you for listening…I needed to write and publish

132 thoughts on “The One Where I Whine”

  1. The tricky part when you’re strong and capable is to ask pointed questions rather than open-ended ones.

    People like us don’t like to ask for help so it’s possible we don’t know *how* to ask for help.

    I’m learning this the hard way.
    “Can you clean the kitchen” needs to be more specific (unfortunately) “Pleasean empty the dishwasher and refill it now” and then trust that they will do it and walk away even if there’s a part of you that feels it’s not going to get done.

    That’s an overly simplistic example but you get what I mean.

    I’m not good at this. Because to me the answer “I’ll get it done” has, to my experience, been insufficient. Then I get flack for not believing them. “I said I’ll drop it” 3 hours later…

    Getting the dishes done at 11:00 p.m. when I can hear the cluttering when I’m trying to sleep it’s not what I meant when I asked them to get the dishes done at 6:30 p.m..

    Again this is a simplistic example. It doesn’t need to be about chores.

    Yesterday I was making jewelry and simultaneously thinking about some editing I had just finished of my Anthology when my son asked me to make him lunch. I said I was busy. He said “no you’re not” because he does not see my activity as something valuable *in/to his life*.

    (I gave him verbal instructions and let him stew while he made a sandwich. I still didn’t appreciate the interruption.)

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    1. You’re right. We give flat examples and expect them to understand…when they do it wrong we take over…we stop asking cause it’s easier to do ourselves…but it’s also the grief…if I ask my daughter to do something cause I’m blogging…her answer is like “well you’re playing on your iPad” as opposed to commenting or whatever….

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      3. Granted we don’t have to give them an explanation but having their understanding and compassion for our needs may help them to be more cooperative and understanding. They may need an explanation of what we are doing when we blog or whatever hobby we may have, and why it is important for us to have hobbies or goals or reasons to write or whatever. Put it on a level with their lives so they can identify with our needs. “Just like you enjoy listening to music, I enjoy writing to help others. ” or “I enjoy expressing myself, just like you want to wear certain styles of clothes to express yourself. I need your help so I can have time to do the things that I enjoy. Mothers need to be able to enjoy things too.”
        If they have no understanding or compassion of what you are saying, tell them their allowance will be docked or you may not have time to help them sometime when they want you to help them for a good reason. We really have to stand up for ourselves and the first step is to value ourselves and what we bring to our lives and to theirs.

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      4. We do need to stand up for ourselves, and so often we do not…why they can’t see we are fully fledged humans who have wants needs and desires

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  3. What Claudette said. We don’t know how to ask but have to be very, very specific when we do. I’ve always wondered, in my case anyway, if there’s a subconscious component to all this. Are we harming ourselves by shouldering all the burden and then getting irritated when others don’t see what we think is right in front of them… and why are we prone to standing up and screaming out if need be? We feel taken advantage of, but are we letting that happen? I, of course also have to wonder if it is a socially defined gender things as well, meaning does this happen more to females than males, especially mothers… Lots to ponder.

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    2. I get stupid grief too. Yesterday I was having a day, and before (I knew it would be tough) I told my daughter to cut me slack. Ten minutes into the day, my daughter was arguing with me because I chose to use two tote bags instead of one. Grief because I wanted to separate the weight…telling me how much the stuff weighed….I was practically in tears because it was so unnecessary

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      1. And that is an integral part as well. Where does the females value lay within the family structure. Clearly no matter how progressive we believe we are the values and norms of society/gender expectations don’t really reflect the reality. It should not matter what you were doing and an off-hand, dismissive comment such as your daughter provided in your example to Claudette was disrespectful. I completely understand the weight of this issue and it’s unfair and cruel.

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      2. I know! But I have no idea how to combat this! And how many of us experience the exact same thing!?our greatest strength becomes our greatest weakness

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      3. I can only advise you to respect yourself, your opinions and purpose and your values. Stand up for yourself and voice how and what these ongoing issues are doing emotionally to you. Let yourself be heard and don’t stop. Habits are hard to break and it’s easy to give up and you will want to give up plenty. I don’t have to deal with my ex anymore and can just walk away if needed. My kids were never much of an issue, but since divorcing they are seeing a new side of me as well. That side was buried for too long… Stay strong.

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      4. Here’s my takeaway…what is the right amount if balance of doing things, without regret, for your family and having them acknowledge you without making them beholden to you or making them feel guilt, and how do we achieve it?

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      5. If you feel unheard, under-appreciated, and un-acknowledged for what you do, and if you feel you get nothing in return action wise then there is no balance. You are being taken advantage of. The least of my concerns at that point would be who feels guilt. They should feel guilty. I suppose I view this like teaching a young child: repetitive explanations and clear instructions on what you need until they understand it’s not an option, but a fair and equitable expectation as a member of the family. Only you can judge how much you are willing to give them…maybe for awhile that’s nothing. Play the game their way and allow them to experience your world…

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      6. “Female value within the family structure” – brilliantly put.

        I feel like they want the housekeeper or some other label to be the dominant force in the family unit. Ok, when kids were young that’s a role I willingly accepted. But now?

        Respect what I hold as valuable may not match yours and go away. 😳🙄

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      8. I think we start the process at that young age, taking it on willingly as you say and then it’s a habit that becomes one-sided. The winning side (them) is not going to make the moves to change. They have it too good.

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  4. LA – This post is profound.
    It is good to be strong, and self-reliant, and helpful to others.
    It is also good to ask for, and accept help when we need it.
    This allows our loved ones to also experience the joy of helping, and giving.

    When all the members of a family offer help and support to each other, the family unit grows more united, and relationships flourish. 🤗🌼

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  5. A very vulnerable and touching post, dear LA. And, I know exactly how you feel, and am quite moved by this post. As I’ve written on your blog before, I was that person…the person that did 150% all the time, didn’t ask for help, didn’t want it, OCD, and every other XYZ of being that personality type….and, then? Things changed. I got more in touch with my emotional self, started to ask for help, became way more vulnerable, and on and on….and, you know what happened in my marriage. Yet, I now more readily accept help, well, all the time, and am actually only interested in relationships that are reciprocal in this way, which might mean I’ll be single for a while, which is just fine with me. Alright, enough, let me ask the question everyone else wants to….how can we help you, LA? We are here for you, and thinking about you!! ❤❤

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    1. You know…all my blog friends are tremendous because I get stuff out, and people listen. I get support when I need it, or a kick in the ass if I need that too…so thank you!

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  6. It’s okay. Everyone has their struggles no matter where they fall on the personality scale. In one sense, you can’t win for losing. It applies to everyone. I like that you get things done. It’s a blessing to be able to focus and make it happen. Isn’t it gratifying? You may be under appreciated at home. That’s a shame. But I think you get a lot of love here.

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  7. I totally get it. I think they think you’re suppose to keep doing everything and not change. With menopause that’s not going to happen. This is one of the reasons I am going to counseling. I am realizing I have needs that I didnt know I had before. Instead of getting angry and dumping all of this.on them I want to talk to my about these.needs and figure out how or communicate what my needs are to get them fulfilled. It’s been weird because I don’t know this part of myself very well.or.at all Keep doing what your doing. They can do things on their own. They will survive. Keep taking care of yourself.

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  8. LA, you are having the beginnings of self awareness and awakening. Yes, the year of Covid changed many of us. As mothers and wives, we have needs too. Next time before your husband asks you to see if he got everything he needs, tell him to make a list the night before. He knows better than you do so it is his responsibility. If he balks, tell him he can handle it and you have something else you need to do. The kids, not knowing their ages, need to develop a sense of responsibility. You do not need them to depend on you if they are old enough to do what they need to do. You have got to have a meeting with them and tell them this. Tell them you will be glad to check on their tasks to see if they got it right if they want you to, but only for one or two more times, or whatever limit you want to set. They all need to learn responsibility. They have to learn how to fail and get back up and try again. You know them better than I do, you also know yourself. Listen to your inner, higher self, God, angels or whoever you believe in for guidance and then listen and change things. You really are the one in charge there. They need to learn to be in charge of their own lives, if they are old enough. I hope this helps. If you want to vent find me on my joyrful2bee blogs, Facebook page and message me with your phone number and we can talk.

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      1. I forgot to add that if you have a partner, husband or whatever, they should be talked with about their support of your role and the changes that are about to happen so they can stand with you. Dads sometimes dump the kids on the mom and go out with the guys. We have the right to take care of our needs for friends too. The kids need to learn responsibility. They need to learn to wash their clothes, if they mess up a few, then they will know what it feels like to make a mistake. If they don’t know how to do something, write out instructions for them to have a guide on how to do things. That way they can’t say you didn’t tell them that… It takes less time in the long run to write instructions than it does to argue, nag, or beg them to do what they, as older kids,
        should be able to do.

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  9. I’m glad you have this space to tell us how you feel. Thank you for trusting us with your feelings.

    I’m hearing in your words that you don’t feel appreciated. I’m hearing in your words that you feel as though you still had to be at 100% when you felt like shit. I’m hearing in your words that even when you made yourself vulnerable, they didn’t meet you where you were at and you are feeling resentful. I understand all of this.

    Sending you so much love.

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    1. Thank you! And yes…you heard me clearly! It’s the telling them I need support and not getting it that disturbs me the most…to ask and not receive is difficult….

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    1. But do you know how many judge mental people would say that I have a good life and therefore nothing to complain about! There’s this thing now that certain people shouldn’t be unhappy or feel bad because their “troubles” are “superficial”…it’s a very bad road

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      1. Don’t listen to them. It doesn’t matter what other people say. And just because you have a good life doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have these thoughts and feelings.

        If someone doesn’t validate your feelings, you are allowed to feel hurt. It doesn’t matter how much money is in your bank account or where you live.

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  11. If anyone has the right to complain, it is me. My husband has cancer. Appointments are plentiful. I am a stepmom and when we married the kids were close to leaving, so I never had the opportunity to get to know them. Now I am a grandmom and the kids are becoming familiar with me. They call me grandma but sometimes I just get irritated at changes, family visits which are stressful, handing my part time job and a search for jobs along with getting older. I still like working outside the house and keeping options open. I have dropped people who don’t give me what I need online and in person. It helps to stand up for yourself!

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      1. Thanks. I know I am in for a rough time. I know his children do not understand and they need to take care of their families, to be honest. The cancer will win. It is a tough situation.

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  12. I went to write some advice … then realized I have no middle ground. My family (or, at least, husband) knows I’m human because I’ve had periods of complete shutdown, à la Katniss Everdeen where I very maturely hide in a closet and let the house mold.

    The counselor I found at the time accurately identified our marital relationship as a main trigger so I do it less now that we’ve worked on things.

    Just from what you write, I see you’ve all been locked in together without a closet to escape to and with your family leaning on you instead of themselves. I have a friend who is always, always doing things for her family and who is also on the small size -I wonder if there’s a correlation? You need boundaries. Maybe a closet. 😀 Do you want to fly out and borrow one of mine?

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  13. Sometimes I feel guilty whining but most of the time, my husband hears me. Interviews are stressful! Family visits are stressful! Being a stepmom is also and coming to a marriage when the children are ready to fly the roost. Of course, they don’t know me but I take comfort that my skills are good, and that the grandchildren are ready to know me. I must meet them halfway. Best wishes.

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  14. I see a same but different dynamic in my brother’s family – he is the giver and his wife and children are takers. He’s strong, steadfast, responsible, the doer – the others spend and use and expect. It kills me to see him excuse their behaviours “it’s only money” and then work 7 days a week for months on end.

    The only way it will stop is for him to set boundaries and defend them. And that might be too difficult to do.

    I am also moved by your post and want to give you a hug.

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  15. You mean it is okay for us NOT to be superwoman/mom all the time? I totally understand what you are saying and isn’t it wonderful to have this space to say it in? Crying helps in my case, especially if they (husband and kids) see it. It scares them. Big hugs to you.

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  16. I’m smiling… I get it. I’m always amused when, like you say, I try to say I’m not feeling well to my mother, a friend, children, etc. AND the response I get is the “deer in the headlights look.” Basically, they don’t want to hear it. Sometimes I think it is because they don’t know how to respond AND they are used to me playing my role of “wonder woman.” HANG IN THERE – you are not alone.

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  17. It’s confusing to others when they see Superman or Superwoman stumble. The persona that one is unflappable and unfazed by anything is a mask. When the mask comes off, no one really knows how to treat them because they are so used to seeing them take charge and come through in the end. It sounds like your husband and daughter are experiencing that now and have no idea how to help you. But, us strong women who don’t seem to crack under pressure are fooling ourselves. We need outlets where we can collapse without judgement. The lock downs all but took that away. I’m glad the blogosphere fills that void for you and countless others in the same boat. Sounds like an extended vacation is in order for just you…and maybe some other women who need support. And, please remember, I’m only a click away!

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  18. Random thoughts:
    1) Yes, not only does it take strength to ask for help, it takes courage. And those who ignore a call for help—especially from a loved one—lack both strength and courage.
    2) When we ask for help, we need to be able to accept that it might not always look exactly as we envision it. Using the example of one of your commenters above: if we ask/tell a family member to load the dishwasher, they may not do it exactly as we think best. Insisting they do a job precisely to our specifications disempowers them, too. We have to let go of some control if we are to receive help. I’ve found that the less control I exercise, the more people step up.
    3) I don’t know you or your family, but were I in a similar situation and feeling as you describe, I’d be taking a few days away from the family. I’d gather my books, laptop, iPod, and swimsuit, and check into a nice hotel with a pool and room service. I’d take care of me for a while and let the family feel what it’s like to fend for themselves. (Think of all the blog posts–and other writing–that would inspire!)

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    1. I clearly need alone time. And I need to get some ear plugs. Or perhaps a new family. Hoping Amazon starts selling them on prime….but thank you for the support! I just hope others realize that they’re not alone if they experience this…

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  19. I’m late to the game and the advice you’ve been given covers most things. All I can really add is allocate jobs that would otherwise eat into your time, and make sure you have your own time. Explain if they don’t do the jobs, they wont get done. If they won’t do their share, you won’t do yours, like cooking, cleaning and shopping. As they have their own downtime with friends you deserve yours with making jewellery or blogging. I hope tings improve for you but it could be a long slog unless you learn to scream.
    Massive Hugs

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  20. I have a sweet friend who is very OCD and an admitted control freak. What’s interesting is that while she doesn’t trust anyone to do things right, and so does everything herself, she also complains bitterly (and understandably) about the pressure of having everyone lean on her for everything. One of her more often used lines is “when is it my turn to be taken care of?” While she sees the dichotomy in complaining about the weight of responsibility yet refusing to share it..her OCD won’t let her trust people enough to let them help. (Husband included) If you asked her, she’d tell you she is strong..but also profoundly weak. Covid almost did her under as she tried to manage so many “uncontrollables”… she is worn thin right now and has burned beaucoup bridges. She’s really not in a good place, sadly, neither is her marriage. 😬 I’m not saying any of this is you btw.. your post just reminded me of her.

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  21. I truly appreciated this candid post. Thanks for sharing it.
    You let yourself be vulnerable, and sometimes it’s difficult to do that. I wonder if it’s because of societal pressure, our own, or something or someone else’s expectations of us? 🤔 Or maybe it comes with motherhood? IDK…but I think it’s unhealthy and unrealistic to think we can do it all. And some of us are natural caretakers of EVERYTHING. Myself included. And our families know they can depend on us, and so they do, to our own detriment. A friend of mine once talked about how vacationing was so stressful because she had to remember to pack everything for the trip while her husband only waited impatiently to pack up the car. I could relate to that because when we travel we typically stay in someone’s home or condo so I take food for cooking, spices, containers, etc., and it’s such a tedious process to remember it all. We’re so efficient with planning that we are just depended on to handle every last detail. Well…I told my very loving husband that sometimes I want a day where I don’t have to think about anything…what needs to be payed, what to cook, where we are going to go on vacation and where we’ll stay. He was very understanding. So when I don’t feel like expending my brain to take care of all the detailed stuff, I don’t. Fortunately, my husband and daughter get that (she’s grown and has her own place but visits weekly), and they know to let mama have her time, peace and space when she’s getting edgy. Sometimes you just have to say exactly what you need and why. They’ll eventually get it. And you deserve it. 😉

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    1. My husband always wants to rent a house for vacation and I always refuse because I don’t call that a vacation. He never gets it and doesn’t realize if I were worrying about food, or cleaning i could never relax

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      1. I get that. I prefer the rental house because I like the space and extra bathrooms, and I HATE hotel rooms. I feel claustrophobic in one room. But the packing up is monotonous. We usually only cook for breakfast since we sleep in late, and one or two dinners the rest of the trip.

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  22. The honesty, vulnerability and caring of this post and the comments is wonderful. I think folks have offered excellent advice and I have nothing to add except my support. Transitioning your daughter to adulthood will be a journey for all of you. Good luck!!

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  23. Love this post and all the amazing responses. You are seen and heard. I think of myth from the Polynesian Islands – humans were immortal because they shed their skins. Until the Mother Creator shed her skin one day down by the river and it snagged on a branch. She went back home as her restored youthful self and her daughter cried and didn’t recognize her. So she retrieved the skin from the river, put it back on and humans thereafter aged and died.

    We do a lot of things so that our loved ones aren’t afraid that the center of their world can change. And you have named where you need to go which I believe will serve to get you there. I think reading some Brene Brown like “The Gifts of Imperfection” might be some good inspiration along the way. Maybe make it a family book club read. 😉

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  24. For so many years as wife and mom we are in charge of the nest. We take care of everything. This past year has taught me that although I’m not responsible for the daily care of my adult kids, they still expect me to be there for them. For example, my son age 28 asked me to take care of him after surgery in July. He has his live in girlfriend, his sister and six other girlfriend’s siblings to take care of him. But he wants mom. I’m flattered and going, but only for a few days. Would they do the same for me? No. I think you need to ask specifically for what you need help with, whether it’s grocery shopping, dishes, or quiet time of no interruptions. That’s what I do with my husband, otherwise he’s clueless.

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    1. I have to give very specific instructions to my family. Add to that, they seem to selectively forget where things are stored…they see to think we can magically cure things…we’re victims of our own success

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  25. So sorry you are going through this and trying to navigate through your health challenges since your ER visit.

    My husband was good about doing an occasional load of laundry or taking care of the dishes. But there was sometimes a chilliness or disinterest when I was sick that used to bother me. One of the first episodes I remember was going to the ER with abdominal pain and he thought I was exaggerating or being dramatic. Four months later, another ER visit which he seemed exasperated by—it turned out I needed to have my gallbladder out—and somehow I felt relieved that I had concrete proof for my husband that what I was experiencing was real.

    Many years later I was having some health issues and was supposed to go to the hospital for tests the next day. Came home from work and my father in law was there at the house with his new woman. FIL and my husband were rearranging our bedroom so that some !@#! desk could fit inside. The desk had actually been a gift from my husband to his parents but FIL no longer had any use for it. I was so mad that they had come over and my husband had told me nothing about it. In my mind for my husband to be supportive about my health issues and upcoming tests he would have told FIL to come a different day. Or at the very least he would have given me advance warning. Husband totally did not get it, or chose not to. That episode sort of hardened my heart in a way that I never moved past—-and realistically I realized I would never get what I wanted from my husband in those kinds of situations.

    My son was probably too young then to understand what was going on. But my daughter took all her cues from my husband–really heartbreaking for me.
    Best wishes to you. So very frustrating. Many great comments on the thread.

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    1. That’s exactly how I feel my husband is treating my health issues…like I’m exaggerating…that nothing is actually wrong. It’s crushing me. I’m probably doing a separate post about this because it’s so frustrating!! If his mother has a hangnail he’s all like my poor mom…but with me…lack of sympathy is probably the best explanation

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      1. My husband was like that with his mom also. Was really hard not to say anything about it–oh wait I did and he refused to understand. I don’t understand why the people who give marriage advice never tell men it isn’t okay to give your mom more sympathy than your wife.

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  26. I can so identify with this. My hubby has a LOT of health issues. I am his caregiver. People are so concerned about him. That’s great. It really is but sometimes I feel completely invisible. Why do women have to carry so much for their families? It’s damned hard to take care of yourself when you’re trained to give and give and give. I do not regret being his caretaker, but this pandemic has been brutal, few if any reprieves from the constant demands. I feel ya, I so do.

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  27. I have this problem too especially with my friends, but now I’m reading this, I’m just going to try to be more vulnerable and show that I actually have emotions other than happiness.
    Thanks a ton for sharing.

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  29. Being a strong person, in my opinion, makes others think less about your needs. They assume you’ve got things. They don’t see the inner struggles, so it’s easy to dismiss the possibility. I am (and always have been) a very strong woman. But when I needed people, after the ending of my marriage, it didn’t happen. I wrestled with that for a long time. Even my own children, who were devastated by the breakup of their family, were more focused on the impact it had on them and never really bothered to consider it’s impact on me. Not that they didn’t feel for me, but they assumed I was doing fine.

    It’s always been this way for me. Everyone comes to me for support and encouragement but usually fail to give it. All I can say is I completely get it.

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  30. Your post and and readers’ comments have moved me. One thing you needed at that moment was to blog about your struggle — that helped! Boundaries and balance: that’s hard, and hard to change a long-standing family dynamic. You made me think I could do with some counseling myself over a much milder version of this problem — so I hope you come up with some real(not virtual) help. Kia kaha!

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  31. Nothing to add. Lots of good stuff here. I did ask my wife (after reading this and all the comments) if there was anything more she needed as she gets ready to head out of town for a few days to see some grand babies. And you are right. The blogging community here on your page. is a great source of support. Also appreciate your vulnerability. DM

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  35. I just recently saw something about how people that seem so strong and never ask for help are actually people that learned that they had to stand on their own because they could never trust any one to actually be there to help. It really struck a cord because as independent as I am, that really is sort of the foundation of that attitude. It doesn’t actually mean I’m strong. It just means that I’ve spent so much of my life doing for myself because there was no one else to help with that load that that is now the only way I know how to be. Even though I have a phenomenal Hubby that is more than willing to be that help, one of over 20 years now, I still have that mindset. I have a feeling you just might be in a similar place.

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    1. I totally get that statement. You learn to rely on yourself because there’s no one around to help. But really, I think we all need help sometimes

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  36. Maybe it’s not so much asking for help, as someone noticing the need for it. Allowing ourselves to be seen as vulnerable. During my journey through Breast Cancer, my daughter drove me to treatments. She stayed the first few times, but then I saw how it effected her watching me go though it, so we agreed she go visit friends. She’d come back and get me, we’d get home and that’s the last thing I’d remember.

    It would take a couple of days for me to come to and be able to interact, but it was like she stepped into my shoes and knew what needed to be done to maintain the household. That’s when I knew, I didn’t have to ask for help, it was already there. When I was incapable, she discovered her capabilities. That journey softened me up a lot, and it’s a relief not to carry everyone’s world on my shoulders anymore.

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    1. Trying to carry the world in your shoulders is not fun, nor the right thing to do. It’s good to know we have people who can help

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  37. I’m thinking that maybe your family would appreciate you more if you went away for a weekend of self-care…maybe a reading sabbatical? Maybe you do too much for them. They would have to cope on their own for a bit and it might be a lesson for them. I on the other hand, always appreciate you and your book advice. Check out my latest blog and you might find some books to take with you….

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  39. 💕💕 I wish I had magic words for you or a magic cowbell to make your family understand or just whisk you off to Paris. 🙂
    Thanks for making yourself vulnerable on here , you aren’t alone!

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  40. I’m behind on reading posts, but my heart goes out to you. I’m such the opposite of you, and I’ve kicked myself through the decades for not being “that” mom and “that” wife. I wish I’d been more like you. You’re a rock star. Having said that, I hope you get through to your family that it’s time for them to take some of your burden. I’m worried about you.

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  41. I often think this is where I went wrong. I never asked for help at school or work and never from family, I would just do what needed to be done without complaint, and still do. So people assume that I can cope, which makes me feel that I should be able to cope and if I can’t I feel like I have failed. On the occasions I have asked for help it a bit like you it never arrived, It’s almost as if people think I was joking.

    Perhaps I need to scream it from the roof top 🙂

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  42. Women of our generation were sold a crock of s*** around having it all, when what they meant is that we would now get to do it all. Remember that you is that you don’t have to do it all in order to have it all. Please don’t allow breakdown or burnout (or divorce) to happen before you put boundaries into place for your well-being. What upset me the most about the last two posts you’ve written (I struggled to sleep after reading them last night) is the lack of respect you’ve received. If your husband and daughter aren’t hearing you, a family therapist could help with that process. You could also benefit from a personal therapist in learning how to set boundaries so you don’t get here again. Don’t make excuses for them. Yes, you love them & they love you, but they also need to act like it and show you due respect & consideration. Good luck LA, it’s not an easy process, but it is worth doing.

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    1. I really need everyone out of my house so I have time to myself…the lack of space is crushing. I’d be a lot better off if we weren’t 24/7/16 months

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  45. None of us are fxxking mindreaders, on either side of this equation. If you want or need help you have to ask for it, image (self or public) be damned! Of course, if you get a lot of flak from the one who has kindly responded in the affirmative before, sometimes even without being asked, evaluation of the current state of the relationship might be in order.

    That’s what happened to me when I asked my husband to pick up a library book for me immediately following my hip replacement. I had added to my request the comment “I don’t ask for very much” in my own peremptory self-defense. I knew he doesn’t like to do anything that he has not arranged for himself, especially if it requires asking a stranger for something he knows nothing about, except of course I told him what he would be picking up. He heard “You don’t do very much” probably out of a sense of guilt or resentment himself.

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  46. During my nursing days, I used to ask, who heals the healers? And many don’t even know to ask for help. You asked, and they just couldn’t see it. As you say, they are conditioned to having you help them. You might have to be more dramatic. Take a day completely for yourself. Announce it, and go do some things you like to do and tell them you’ll be available tomorrow. Maybe if you shake them hard enough, they will open their eyes. I know I’m late to comment on your post, but take a day 🙂

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