Sorry- as referenced by the title, I’m using my blog to get some feelings out…Sometimes you just have to write and hit publish…

So…

Easter…

Went out to lunch with my parents, husband and daughter.

I ordered the special pasta- gramigna alla carbonara- cheese, guanciale, pepper-

Delicious…

My Dad ordered something different but tried mine. He agreed on the delicious part…

Now if you know me, I never eat a whole portion of food. I either split it or bring half home.

So there I am with my half portion of pasta that I’m bringing home…

My husband says-

You should give your leftovers to your Father…

I looked at him like he was nuts…

He said to my Father:

Take LA’s portion

My Father looked at him like he was nuts

My Husband thought it was ridiculous that I didn’t give my Father my leftovers…I thought it was ridiculous that my Husband thought I should…

OK- I don’t want to have the debate as to what I should have done.

What I do know is that my Father was appalled that my Husband was giving away my leftovers…

Appalled.

In my Father’s mind, I’m to be given things…

My Dad had a lot of faults. We had a dysfunctional family. But in his mind, you give to your kids. You don’t take from them.

I said to my Husband:

How would you feel if your daughter’s significant other gave away her food? Would you think they were a stand up person because they sucked up to you?

My Husband just glared at me.

I still think I was in the right. He thinks he was. There’s probably no definitive right answer…just opinions and thoughts…

Isn’t that the crux of any relationship?

Two people disagree.

They each think they are right, but in actuality, neither is right nor wrong…

They simply disagree…

And one of them gets to write about it in her blog…

Rant over.

99 thoughts on “The One Where I Vent”

  2. Agree to disagree is what came to mind when I read your post. LOL I’m sorry. I love your father’s thinking – you are to be given things…wow! Big difference from my upbringing. But I agree with you, not because we’re friends, but because they are YOUR leftovers to do as you please. If you hubs wanted your father to have it, he could have bought another meal and sent it home with your father. How’s that for a compromise? LOL
    I do rant occasionally in a post as well because many times I think that what I’m talking about can be universally understood by so many people….as with this post! 🙂 Good job LA! Keep your leftovers and enjoy them! YUM

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  3. Ahh, dude dementia strikes again.. Not to be confused with legit dementia, this disorder just hits randomly..it’s like temporary loss of awareness. Latest example in my life? We got a peloton a few months ago..and as I sat on it for the first time trying to understand the thing..I saw that I had a strange “follower.” A Peloton follower can basically see how often you exercise, which classes you take etc.. Hubster thought it was awesome to give my “handle” or whatever to a 38 year old neighbor down the street..you know, before my rear end ever hit the saddle for my first ride. #dudedementia #stayinyourlanebubba #loveyouanyway

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      1. Isn’t that the weirdest thing? I mean she’s a nice woman and all- we say HI when we see each other, we don’t “hang” cause again, she could be my kid..but there it was..a portal into my Pelo.. and I’m the private girl who doesn’t even have Facebook….hellooo?

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      3. You two ladies have eerily hit on a couple of areas where I came to loggerheads more often with my about to be deceased mother than my finally almost ex husband. I was mostly able to bypass Mom’s predilection to volunteer me to befriend or gift some wayward or otherwise needy individual who was usually closer to my age than hers. When I moved away these involuntary volunteer opportunities of course faded away.

        I wish it had been so with Mom sharing my cell # with all her elderly friends. In some respects I could understand that if something happened to her when I lived far away it would probably happen when she was with one or more of these old biddies. Unfortunately, Mom’s demise has relentlessly picked up speed since I’ve been living with her so now when their calls to her number have not been immediately returned, none of them feels any compunction against dialing my number in its stead.

        Thank God my best friend volunteered to run interference for me on both lines from the people who expect Mom to be able to come home again someday. I labored under this delusion for a while, too, and it’s hard to tell people who love her and are close to that situation themselves what her condition really is.

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  6. I just re-read this post and this sentence stands out to me this time around: “How would you feel if your daughter’s significant other gave away her food? Would you think they were a stand up person because they sucked up to you?” That speaks volumes about your perspective on why the food was offered up to dad. In no way can I judge or comment on the actual reason the offer was made, but I assume you know your husband and his motives pretty well at this point so that’s a pretty interesting dynamic going on between your spouse and your father…

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    1. Here’s the dynamic. While my family has its issues and dysfunctions, my family was all about giving the kids the opportunity to fulfill their dreams…parents give to their kids. My husbands family is all about the parents telling the kids as infinitum about how much they did for them…to the point it becomes a tit fir tat game. I did A for you growing up so you owe me. We grew up with different types of families. I refuse to let my daughter think she owes me anything cause I parented her. I don’t like that thinking at all.

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      1. Well that clears the picture a bit. In that case you were put in an extremely awkward situation. I’m sorry about that. It could have easily been avoided I think.

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  8. Sweet of your husband to think of your dad first. You father’s generation was most likely appalled and I can hear my father thinking in heaven, “What, you think I can’t take care of myself…the greatest generation?

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  9. So my initial thought was, why is your husband being ornery? I wouldn’t say have said ANYTHING, if I were sitting at this table. Take the leftovers quietly, say your goodbyes, and eat them the next day. It’s YOUR leftovers, not your husband’s. It seems rude to me.

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    1. Ok…to be fair…when I get a blog idea I put it in my planner, so if something happens today, I’m scheduling it for mid September…so there’s a time lag in my posts. In this case I happen to still be a bit annoyed by this. Things like tomorrow’s post…the idea was from April, but I have more recent spin to add to it…

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  11. Hmmmmm….Yes, and no. A relationship is about two different perspectives, yet, it’s also about the reciprocity that lives in the space that is intentionally created to work through those two perspectives, when there is disagreement, in healthy ways. And, I write this knowing, as you do too, that in my previous relationship we did not do this well at all. Also, boundaries are at play in this conversation (rant 😉) you’ve created with us today. Your hubby, no offense intended, was crossing boundaries that are best left intact. My rant-back is complete…

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  13. Yeah food — leftovers, the last one of something, anything like that is a big deal around here. I often don’t eat half of my meal when I go out especially saving it for my own lunch the next day. There is no way hubby should have been giving your food away.

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  14. You were right. Period. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my dad yesterday. He was told me my brother’s wife’s mom passed away and had a doozy of a will. She gave $20k to grandkids she liked and zero to others. My brother has two kids. My nephew got $20k, my niece did not. My brother told my nephew to split his inheritance with his sister. I think that’s a decision for my nephew not my brother. It’s not my brother’s money. There also is a big difference between the incomes of the two families involved. My niece’s husband is a big shot at Microsoft. The nephew works for a much smaller company in sales.

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      2. That’s just wrong!! One shouldn’t interfere with choices that people make. No one knows the whole situation except those involved

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      3. I could go on and on…I’m glad you agree with me. My big brother thinks he should make everyone’s life decisions. He told me to put my son on ADHD meds when he was a little boy. No thanks.

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    2. Been there, done that – sort of. Hubs and I used to push back v Mom when she wanted to give single daughter paying for med school more than debt free married daughter. He didn’t think it was fair and I went along at the time.

      Fast forward to now where he felt it was grand to pay for daughter’s wedding AND honeymoon. So, now that we’re divorcing I almost feel like telling him he needs to leave extra $20k or so for other daughter’s probable future wedding/honeymoon. I’m sure he’s not driven to a similar thought because this child cut him out of her life long ago. Now that he’s cut me out of his, she finally feels comfortable telling me more of what’s going on in her life. She knows I won’t be sharing it with the guy who generally only forecast the worst for both of his kids, though more so for her. I blame all this on the resentment he still feels towards his family for treating him in a similar derogatory manner esp vis a vis at least 2 of his brothers.

      And, now that I have help from neither spouse nor sibling as I struggle alone to get my mom through her last days, I can see where one child (me) is more deserving of a larger share of the estate than the other. Any guilty conscience I may have or have had is totally assuaged since I didn’t let Mom change her trust to allow Sis to get her half (or thereabouts) free and clear but left it to be managed by the bank so Sis will not piss it all away before she dies and only then come begging and kissing up to me.

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      1. Oh boy! Aren’t families something? I’m sorry about your divorce from your children’s dad, but are you? How sad that he forecast the worst scenario for his own children. Although my husband did the same when my son switched majors from Math to Lit. My husband was sure his degree would mean he’d never be able to support himself. It did not. Some feel the need to control other people’s lives, etc. Even after death through their wills. I hope the best for you. I have similar family histories with parents and grandparents, too. I really enjoyed your comment and can feel what you’re going through.

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      2. Family and money….very tricky paths to navigate. Hoping my parents have enough to get them through. I’m ok with not getting anything

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  15. My opinion is that your husband acted in a kind and considerate manner. In terms of how this relates to wider concepts of relationships I’m not quite sure as I have difficulty seeing half a plate of leftover food as something worth worrying about.

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      1. I live in a country where you go out to eat and you order enough to eat and you eat it. The concept of taking half of it home or ordering an extra one to take home are foreign to me.

        There is so much to learn about the politics of leftovers . . .

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      3. So it would seem. It’s a whole new difference I hadn’t realised existed. It was bad enough trying to understand the concept of “biscuits and gravy” but the politics of leftovers is a new dimension of relationships and marital strife.

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  17. As Jeff Fleshch alluded to, it’s a boundary issue. Not sucking up to anyone here. You were 100% right. Period. and I LOVED your word picture to your hubby. Word pictures are a great way to communicate perspective. Glad your dad got it. I like when you vent. Helps me get to know the real you DM

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  18. My family has a lot of weird rules governing how we interact–and I don’t see this as something that would happen. Other strange and irritating things might happen–but my pasta would be safe.

    However I would be irate if someone tried to give away my pasta. The inner me would be like a dog wanting to protect her food from others—of course the outer me would not growl and show her teeth but I would feel like it—–especially if it was a variation of carbonara!

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  19. Don’t touch my pasta or any leftovers for that matter. I would have probably given it to a homeless person just to be obstinate. I do often give appropriate leftovers (untouched portions) to homeless folks. Anyway, I agree with you – your leftovers are yours regardless of who paid for the meal. 🤨

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  25. I love this more than you can know! Makes me and my marriage seem validated somehow? We have these very same conflicts we just rotate the topics. I’m often left wondering “what the hell was he thinking?” C

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  27. There is a definitive answer. No one should be giving someone else’s food away or even suggesting it. I feel angry as if I was there…I’ve probably been triggered…going to calm myself down lol

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  28. Personally, I don’t think it was your husband’s place to volunteer your leftovers. Not that it was his intention, but it ends up making him look like a good guy (so thoughtful) and you a not-so-good guy (selfish). All I know is what when it comes to my leftovers…hands off! I don’t care who you are. It’s a meal I loved and usually don’t eat often, so when I’m looking forward to more the next day, ooh…you really don’t want to mess with me. 🙂

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  29. That’s the joy of blogging: we get to rant! And personally, I think it is okay to offer to give away our own food, but not someone else’s food. So I agree with you on this one.

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  31. this is such a weird topic. It makes me think of the control issues people have with food. “You didn’t finish your ….You didn’t like it?” “Are you sure you want to eat that? It’s very fattening!” You know the craziness that goes on with food. Could this just be a different version of food control?

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