I had in my notes for todays blog:

If you ask a question on your blog- you have to be able to hear uncomfortable truths about yourself- Pepper V

First off- you would think I would have saved the blog post that inspired me to write this note- but I’m obviously not that smart. A blogger wrote a post that I thought was worthy of exploring…and I forgot…

Ooops…

So now, I wonder what I was thinking about and what made me write this note…I obviously thought it was interesting because I WROTE IT IN MY PLANNER

But where was I going with it?!?!

Ok- let’s delve into my mind for a second. I know my mind is a deep, dark, scary place that you clearly need a compass and detailed map to navigate, but I promise I will kind of, sort of guide you…

Do we really want to know anything about ourselves?

Do we really want to know what others think about us?

People tell me I look like Susan Sarandon.

I hate this.

I hate this with a blinding passion (but not as much as I hate Zoom however…)

While I think Ms. Sarandon has many fine attributes…I don’t want to look like her…

If I were to show you a picture (don’t get your hopes up) I would expect you all to say that I don’t look like SS…

But if any of you did…

I would be annoyed…

But at some point I may have to concede that I might bare a tiny resemblance to her…

My uncomfortable truth would be that I’m not the sort of attractive that I WANT TO BE…

We see ourselves in a certain way- people break that illusion.

I thought I was intelligent until I became a parent. I quickly realized that I know nothing. And boy does my daughter point that out..

No matter how confident you are, no matter how much you love yourself…

What other people say to you, or about you, matters…

I read a parenting adage once, that every time you say something negative to your child, you need to say one hundred positive things to make up for the one thing.

100 positives to counteract 1 negative…

Is that how our brains work?

Do we seek outer validation to balance the scales?

Are there times when we just can’t take one more thing being said against us?

If we ask a question, do we want the truth?

Or do we want our version of the truth?

Are we scared to see what we are really like?

Are we scared that we might not like who we really are?

Are we scared that people can see through our illusion?

If we ask a question, do we really want an answer?

Ok- that’s all I have…

I’m asking questions: give me some uncomfortable truths…

62 thoughts on “Q and A”

  1. Well, the cartoon image does bear a passing resemblance to SS 😉
    I too remember hearing something similar about positive comments and criticism when the kids were little. To my shame, I did not always put that into practice but I totally get why “validation” is so important for a developing mind. Now, the other part of your question – is validation equally as important to a mature mind? 😉 Hmmm

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      3. Haha excellent!!! Yes, totally!! 🙂
        Sometimes, I’ll argue a point of just play Devil’s Advocate – neither of which is appreciated by my wife unless we know the other folk really well 😉

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  3. I have done the whole 5 love languages thing both at church and at work. i think they are valid. One of the languages is words of affirmation. For some people, showing love and appreciation means words of affirmation and if they don’t get them they feel unappreciated and unloved. For them positive feedback is very important. It will vary from person to person. I don’t need daily affirmation or daily feedback of any kind, but I do need affirmation. I don’t know if I want the truth because I am afraid of what the truth is when I’m seen through the eyes of others.

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  5. I evidently have a few doppelgangers out there. I had a woman march straight up to me at work, about to ask me what the heck I was doing, and then she took a double-take and said “Oh, I thought you were my daughter-in-law.”

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    1. Ha! I was on a subway and I swore I saw one of my closest friends…the resemblance was uncanny…they do say there are 6 or 7 people who look exactly like you

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  7. When my hair gets too long I look like Hillary Clinton when her hair gets too long. Sad..I know..which is why I keep it short and tight so I look like Rihanna. ☺️

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      1. Well..as you said..we see ourselves in a certain way..and by golly, ain’t NO ONE gonna break my illusion that this 58 year old Hillary clone look like Rihanna… 😡🤣

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  8. Too much truth is often hurtful. My mother used to spit out zingers and then say, “What? I’m only telling the truth.” Years later I realized she was just being mean and disguising it by calling it the truth. What is the real truth anyway? Everything is subjective. Except life and death.
    Here’s an example of truth perception . I love my sister. But, I don’t always love her taste in clothing. If she’s excited and loves her new dress, feels beautiful in it and asks me if I like it do I tell the truth and say it emphasizes her stomach? Or say I don’t like the print? Of course not. I tell her she looks beautiful. Because she does. Sometimes people don’t need to hear your truth because their truth is different. About a dozen years ago I saw a leather bag that was a camouflage print on soft leather and I fell in love with it. It was at a time camo wasn’t particularly popular. It was probably trend setting but I fell madly in love with this pocket book anyway and It was hundreds of dollars. More than I’d ever spent. I bought it and made payments. I felt edgy, trend setting, and very cool wearing it. I’ll never forget showing it to my sister and proudly saying, “ look at my new purse! Isn’t it gorgeous? “ The look on her face was telling. She hated it. Keep in mind my sister dresses conservatively and I’ve been more bold in my fashion choices. But her comment was, “ It’s not my taste but if you like it that’s all that matters.” My feelings were totally hurt. I put it at the back of my closet and forgot about it.
    Several years later I pulled it out when camo suddenly was the rage. I met my son and his family for dinner. My son saw it and said, “Mom, that’s the coolest purse I’ve ever seen and he dragged over his wife and daughter who loved it. Meanwhile, he and his son were wearing matching camo pants. I kind of chuckled because I guess I had the wrong audience before. lol Maybe truth is in the eye of the beholder.

    I’ve been told I am too dramatic, too out there, too creative in my way of teaching. By the time I retired the qualities that were once criticized were applauded and praised. The truth is relative and fickle. .
    Why hurt someone. Now if you ask me to correct someone’s grammar I will. But I’m not going to change someone’s creative voice.

    They say The truth shall set you free. Some truths can do that. The truth is I have cancer again. It’s back. And I have to face that truth and can’t run from it. So there are varying levels of truth. We need to know the difference. But emotional truths or opinions aren’t really universal truths. My truth is I begin chemo again next week or I’ll die. But pretty much unless it’s a life or death matter I think most other truths are subjective.

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    1. I’m thinking of you and sending you love and strength! Know you’re in my thoughts!!💗💗💗 and you made a very telling statement.truth is in the eye of the beholder….truth is subjective!!

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  9. Many words of wisdom here. I like the part about saying 100 positives to counteract one negative comment to a child. It so so essential to speak positives to a child. I did that with my daughter, and she’s an amazing kid, but I believe she came into this world with plenty of positive material to work with. I’m not taking credit for that. I’m glad other people can see my positive traits, because it’s so easy for me to see my negative ones.

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  10. I like the remark one of your followers made about zoom. You know I had a friend who during COVID wanted to always meet on zoom. It crippled our friendship. I finally realized that even now when we can meet safely that she wants me to go out of my way. That tells me the relationship is mostly one-sided, so I could guess all day why…but in the end, sometimes we are selfish with ourselves and with others. I still don’t have a best friend anymore and somehow with marriage and overtime being busy, I lost a few good ones but the most we can do is be friends with ourself. And that is my philosophy for today. I promise to be kind to myself and to my family today.

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  11. I listened to a webinar by a sports parenting coach about affirmations to overcome the criticism. It wasn’t quite as high as 100 to 1, but the concept still shows how we are affected by criticism. I’m not good with handling “the truth” or other’s “truths” about me. Especially my daughter’s lately. She has no problem pointing out my faults. And often she is correct.

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  12. I think we are especially sensitive to the opinions of those closest to us and that is when the 100 positive to outweigh one negative really applies. LA – I suspect that all of us like feedback that is helpful and that is probably you I think. What I think is hard is when the feedback is phrased as advice telling us what to do. Feedback – I see your hair is messy and I am worrying maybe you are working too hard. I would like to see you try taking a break more often. versus You should not work so hard and your hair is messy because you don’t take enough breaks.

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  13. My daughter will ask her brother what he thinks of the new recipes she tries. She doesn’t trust her mom to give her the unvarnished truth. Of course I think everything she makes is great–especially when it means I don’t have to make supper.
    I’ve heard some things about myself in job evaluations I didn’t love and were slightly painful.

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    1. When my daughter asks advice, I gauge how important something is…if it’s a new outfit that I know she loves but I’m eh about I’m quiet. If it’s a cover letter for a resume I might say more

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  15. Hmmmmmmm…..Alright, here we go. Truth is, most people don’t really want to know the truth, or, let’s call it reality; not because they are a bad person, or because they are not in touch with their own version of reality, simply because they have deep seeded fears and insecurities, like we all do. All of us. Yet, when we live in a world, which we’ve created in our mind, that only includes those things we want to see, hear, learn, etc., we miss out on soooo much of life. So much. I know. I once lived this way.

    By the way, I never want to miss a chance to tell you that you ALWAYS make me laugh….truth? You are funny, funny; and I love it!!!

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  16. I had someone at an important work dinner tell me I looked like Edith Bunker. I quietly demurred, but she kept at it. I finally had to tell her that she needed to stop. She got a huge promotion. I knew that my days at the company were numbered if they would promote mean girls like her.

    I had a high-power female exec that I admired greatly ask me when my baby was due. I blithely told her the child was 6 months old. Awkward. It crushed me.

    There is telling the truth and understanding nuances. Some people only have one, few have both. I err on the side of caution because I have been on the wrong side too many times. I love the post!

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  17. The parenting adage almost certainly springs from the fact that the role of primary carer carries the greatest weight in shaping the child, so what that person says (and does) has greater impact than what others say (and do). A scary fact for any parent.

    In terms of validation, it depends whether you are externally validated or internally. It is part of your basic make-up and it’s hard to change, so best to identify which it is and work from that knowledge. I have no hard evidence on this next, but my personal belief is more of us are externally validated.

    Hearing too many hurtful things can be overwhelming to all but the strongest and most confident humans. It’s why bullying is so horrendously damaging.

    When I ask a question, I want the unvarnished truth. It can be hard to hear, but I believe it’s better to know than to lie to yourself (and so to others). I constructed a carefully crafted mask during my early teens, now I prefer people to see the real me. I hope they like that person but, if they don’t, I’m getting better at accepting that they’re just not my people – for not everyone can be. But I’m old and it took a lot of therapy to get here 😀

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    1. I want the truth mostly. I might not agree with it, but I’ll take it. I don’t like when someone tells you the truth and it’s really vindictive, or done from a place of superiority instead of love/respect

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  18. A postscript to my comment above – a good friend once asked me “why do you care what someone you don’t respect, like, or value says or thinks about you?”

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  19. Oh gosh, this made me both smile and ponder. So many things here I can relate to. My 20 yo science based son makes me feel like I know zero when it comes to academia. Not that it bothers me!

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  20. Seven years ago, one of the biggest breakthroughs I had was to admit that I was afraid something was wrong with me (which was a direct link to abandonment issues). I don’t think we always want to hear them, but sometimes uncomfortable truths are necessary to face, so that we can move through them.

    Susan Sarandon isn’t bad looking LA lol

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    1. Do we need to know that our lipstick isn’t a great shade? Probably not. Do we need to know that something might be harming our mental outlook? Yes…I think so

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  21. Just because you can say something true doesn’t mean you should say something true to someone else if it will. hurt them. Sometimes truth does hurt and is something that needs to be said. But I believe many times people use *truth* as just an excuse to say whatever they want. I agree that parents need to say more positive remarks to a child because I’ve seen how children hone in on the negative, regardless of what else is said. Maybe we never outgrow that.

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  23. We all like to hear positive things about ourselves. Constructive criticism can be a good thing if we take it with the right spirit. On social media people need to be thoughtful and respectful with their responses just as they would want other people to respond.

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