Ok- I haven’t put pen to paper in over a week, unless it was to sign for a pineapple and rum laden beverage while beachside….

Of course today’s topic should really require a Venn diagram, but really, that’s so not going to happen today because my brain is definitely still back in the Caribbean. However, it’s sort of the perfect day to talk about this:

self care

self center

selfish

selfless

How much of these things do we need in our day to day?

Every person needs a small combination of these four things in order to survive and thrive.

Period.

What? You say we should never be selfish or self centered?

Wrong I say. Sometimes you really do need to be those bad things…

24 hours in a day. You need to throw in a little self care- you need to love yourself and take care of yourself. What are you going to do today that makes you feel a little better? Come on…name it. What is something that you are going to do? Ideally- you should have a list, or maybe a book of ideas that make you feel good. I’ll give you one of my self care main stays: read for 45 minutes. You wonder how I read so many books? I set aside time every day to read. Reading makes me happy. But see, one could say this interjects with selfish. Sometimes, I might let dusting or some other household task go undone because I just need time to myself…sometimes taking this 45 minutes a day could seem selfish. Don’t I have other things to do? Yes I probably do. But sometimes I have to come first- my peace of mind, my center, me:

Sometimes I need to put myself first: Call it self centered. Call it selfish. I call it survival.

My no means do I mean to shirk responsibilities> I realize that things still need to get done. But at what cost do things need to get done? Do the dishes need to be washed? Yes. Do they need to be washed right now? Maybe. Or maybe not…

Sometimes YOU need to come first…

Sometimes you need to say NO to something, or perhaps YES to something…

Sometimes you need to be the center of the universe: not all the time. but if you never come first, never allow yourself to come first, what are you really saying? Are you saying that you don’t deserve to take the spotlight for just a little bit? Are you saying that you don’t matter?

Life is about balance, about harmony, about making sure that all parts of you are in working order. What percent do you get to be selfish, self centered, self caring and selfless? Figure out how to be kind to others, and kind to yourself.

Figure out what you need to live your best life.

You can’t help anyone if you are not in top form.

62 thoughts on “Self________”

  1. This has come up in therapy for me. I talked about how with my family gone I could do the things and eat the things I want. The question was why do I have to wait for them to be gone before I get what I want. I need to learn to take care of myself even when others are here.

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    1. That’s exactly it! We need to learn to take care of ourselves always. Not at the expense of others, but in tandem with them. It’s not about anyone 100%….we need to balance

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  5. I try to stress to people going through a difficult time (death of a loved one or illness of someone) that they need to take time for themselves or they won’t be able to help anyone else. There is a reason why on a plane they tell people travelling with small children to affix the oxygen mask to themselves before attending to the kids.

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  6. Selfish is being without consideration for others. So if I do not sacrifice my Me time to look after my ailing dependant, I’m selfish. Personally I feel Me time is necessary but can easily be twisted into inconsiderate behaviour.
    If I take time to do/create something and refuse to let others take the credit, I’m not selfish. I had a student who took pains over her answers and when she refused to share her assignments, the others called her selfish! Schools play a big part in confusing children for life.

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    1. Caregivers need me time more than anyone though. You can’t be a good caregiver if you don’t have time to relax. But yes…expectations do affect what is considered selfish

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  7. Absolutely! Self care is a necessity! People would be a lot happier, less cranky, and nicer to one another if they took a little self care time. Yes, there are times in our lives when things happen and put us in crisis mode which prevents that. But when we aren’t in a crisis we need to tend to ourselves. (Example two weeks ago I had a pipe burst inside my condo wall and flood my home). Self care flew out the window and I was immediately on survival mode. I’m still living in a mess, my carpet torn up, partially removed, insurance adjusters busy working on Tallying up what my recovery costs will be, and with the help of my son and sister I’ve boxed up everything in half of my house and piled boxes of my things in my front bedroom so that when they lay a new floor I’ll be ready.
    My point here is…What I noticed in my behavior after a few days of stress and a lack of self care, was that I wasn’t sleeping, and I was miserable, and I snapped at everyone. I wasn’t very nice to the people who were helping me. That had to change. Plus, It feels awful to be that miserable.
    Soooo. While my house is still torn up, my attitude is very different. I’m back to reading, I’m back to taking walks, I’m giving myself the me time I deserve. My situation hasn’t changed but I can handle it better. My condo will get redone in due time. I can’t force things. But there’s no sense in going down with the ship… or condo…in a flood!
    Self care keeps us stay happier and healthier, and our loved ones don’t mind being around because we aren’t a grouchy mess!

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  10. I hope you are feeling renewed! I might toss in that it has been noted in a figurative way that the extreme opposite of self-care could be called martyrdom.

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  11. I absolutely detest the idea that self care is selfish. I have a five year old and husband is under crunch from a new job. When I need a second away from them, am I being selfish for taking it? I don’t think so. My son is well cared for, loved, and five seconds away from mommy isn’t going to break him. My husband needs to focus on his job, so I need to give him the space to do it. Is he selfish? No he’s making a livelihood for us. It’s so easy for other people to look at us and think well we need to get our crap together. It’s different when you’re on the inside looking out. Very well thought out post. Self care is definitely important.

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  12. Putting yourself first from time to time isn’t selfish but necessary. If you don’t take the time to love and look after yourself, it’s difficult to do the same for others. Love shown inward extends outward as well. Nourishing your mind by reading helps others. It makes you more articulate, smarter, a better writer, etc.. Thinking in terms of how loving yourself extends to others should help put hint of guilt to bed. I spend time meditating, journalling and reading in the morning. Then I give myself to the family. When I don’t do those things I’m less of a husband and a father for it. Wishing you well LA 🙏

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  15. I really needed to hear this today! My husband is having health issues and life in general is stressing me past the breaking point! Thanks for giving me permission to chill a little bit!

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  16. Being selfish isn’t the same thing as self care. Being selfish is putting your self first all the time without being considerate of those around you. Taking time for self-care refuels our tank so we can carry on.

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  17. Indeed, LA. People often confound selfishness with self-care. Taking care of the self is the single best way to ensure that everyone else around you is also taken care of. When we practice self-care, we are caring for everyone we are responsible for and to, including ourselves.

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    1. Mothers and caretakers….they feel if they’re Not doing everything for everybody, and doing it perfectly, they don’t really exist. Even caretakers need a caretaker

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      1. Agree with you completely. I think we’ve discussed this topic before, as I was also in that group of people who believed they were responsible for taking care of everyone else first, and being perfect was also a part of that storyline, which was a reality for me for a long time. Yet, what I missed was that I was not taking care of myself, so resentment seeded and grew, which is toxic for everyone.

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  19. So glad you were able to get away for a relaxing vacation – you certainly needed and deserved one. Self care is an important topic and sometimes I fall into the same trap as Tater. Only fulfilling my needs when hubby is not around. Not entirely, of course, but certain things.

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  20. This is one of those lessons I had to learn the hard way when I hit a wall and just couldn’t keep putting everyone else’s wants and needs ahead of my own. There is definitely a line that puts a person into a selfish category, but I see that as the ones that NEVER consider other’s needs, only their own. As long as you can balance it and maintain your own mental and physical health, then you are doing pretty good.

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  21. One of my dad’s favorite things to say (has been drilled into my head like forever) is “You’ve gotta take care of number one in order to take care of number two.” Okay, now that I’ve read this…never mind. I’ll stop now. Mona

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  26. Girl I don’t think you could have said that any better. I was in group today therapy session. And actually the topic was about what we do to make ourselves happy and one thing that makes me happy is writing. Whether it be by pen and paper or me posting on my blog that’s my form of therapy so that is my selfishness the opposite for myself everyday, regardless of how my day went. So I completely agree with you that people need to set aside time for themselves to collect themselves to center themselves so they can be themselves.

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  27. Self-care is at the core of my coaching work. In my experience, you don’t need to teach someone who’s self-centred or selfish about self-care, they do it naturally. It’s the selfless who need to be taught to practice it. It was an eye opening moment for me in my forties when someone asked me the question “so who takes care of you?” No-one did, not even me. It is so important, and not just the indulgent fluffy stuff, but the responsible aspects of self-care too. I could go on for hours, so will stop now 🙂

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  28. AMEN!! And I wouldn’t be able to get my mind off the Caribbean either if I had been there! Great that got to go there, we understand if your brain needs to catch up with reality now. LOL!

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  30. Oh, you mean like taking time to try and string more than two thoughts together into a relevant blog post? Yeah,……about that…… I think we all agree self care is vitally important to mental health. Reality is sometimes vastly different. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve settled into some self care time only to be interrupted 5 minutes into it by someone who “needed” me for something. Don’t misunderstand, I love my family and want to do things for them. But, sometimes I stay up way too late simply because the house is quiet and no one is awake to make demands on my time. And, then there’s wine……..🍷

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    1. I don’t misunderstand at all! I completely get it. You love them…but yeah. Fir me it’s when I make a cup,of tea…I always get interrupted and resume to a cold cup…though for Mother’s Day my daughter got me this device to keep tea at perfect temperature…I guess to stop me from complaining

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