Dear LA,

Recently my husband and I got a puppy. We love the puppy very much, though she is not really trained. When we take the dog for a walk she tends to walk me instead of me walking her. When I was younger this behavior might not have bothered me, but you know, one of the side effects of aging is a sore shoulder after you’ve walked a very determined dog.

We did take the dog for training, and the trainer suggested things to do so the the dog stops this annoying behavior. The trainer says that when we are walking her (remember we are walking the dog not me) we should just stop whenever she starts to pull the leash. This way she will realize who is in charge (it’s supposed to be me in charge in case you were wondering)

.Walking the dog like this is very time consuming as one may have to stop after every step. It could take ten minutes to walk down the block!

I am willing to go through this process. I know that the end result is worth all the work. However, my Husband just does not see this in the same way that I do. After doing this for a minute he throws his hands up in the air and exclaims:

“This really isn’t that important to me. I just don’t care if she pulls the leash.”

This is very frustrating to me. If all the people that walk the dog don’t practice the desired behavior, it won’t work!

How do I get my Husband to understand how important this is to me?

Signed,

Dog Tired

Dear Dog Tired,

I completely understand your frustration! My Husband does things like this as well. His desire to be selectively lazy wears away at my patience.

Sometimes couples have to be on the same page. They must present a united front, because if they don’t, things go awry. It is important to understand which issues are important to your partner so that you can help them achieve their goals.

The biggest problem of couples not seeing eye to eye on domestic duties is that one partner will end up doing more of the work. Think about laundry and loading the dishwasher. How many fights are started because Partner A likes things done one way and Partner B doesn’t do it the same way?

While I realize that there can be many ways to load a dishwasher, if A really likes it done a certain way, shouldn’t B try to hop on board?

Alas, what tends to happen is that A ends up doing the dishwasher all the time. A begins to resent B for not helping. Then fights begin about other things…

But wait…

You wanted advice, not reasons to be single…

OK- here’s all I got.

  1. talk to your partner about why you really need them to help you out on this issue- make them understand why it is important
  2. try not to control every aspect of domestic life. Let them do something their way. Make it something that doesn’t matter thought. For the love of all things good, make them replace the toilet paper when the roll is empty.

Walk on!

La

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  1. Do I have what it takes to be an advice columnist?
  2. Do you have arguments with your partner about domestic duties?
  3. How do you solve the problem of your partner not doing things the way you want them done?
  4. What does or doesn’t your partner do that drives you crazy?
  5. Should there be training for partners who don’t listen?
  6. Is every single person breathing a sigh of relief?
  7. Anything else that was touched on in todays column?

80 thoughts on “The Advice Column- Selectively Lazy”

  3. Selectively lazy…I was going to write a blog about this…and about a job interviewer and the person he wanted to hire…it was funny. Off to see the doctor for xrays to figure out if everything is okay with my hip and other parts of my body. I am happy to have a doctor keeping watch over me and husband. Have a good day but I hate going to the doctor.

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  4. My husband and I hung 6 sheets of self-stick, mural wallpaper this week-end. There are some activities..hanging wallpaper, ballroom dancing and sharing a two person kayak that reveal every problem in a relationship. If I was a marriage counselor, these activities would be part of my program.

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      1. How could I have forgotten that??? I just suffered a post traumatic Ikea flash back..the 8 drawer skaniskbildnfordeeborbeemalsknur dresser with 12 pages of diagrams, AHHHHHH!!!!

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Well…when you start out arguing about how to pronounce the name, and then where it is in the warehouse…you can only go down from there

        Liked by 2 people

  5. The dishwasher thing – No one in my house will put dishes in the dishwasher. I spend so much time loading and unloading and then come back to find dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher. Fine, except then someone likes to come in behind me and rearrange the dishes because “I didn’t do it right” If you won’t put the dishes in in the first place you sacrifice the right to complain about how it do it.

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  6. 1. Yes
    2. Yes
    3. I usually end up doing it myself.
    4. Nearly everything!
    5. Yes
    6. No.
    7. My husband and I have “the talk” about how I need help with things on a regular basis. It lasts about 2 or 3 days before it’s back to the same old thing. Keep in mind that he is almost 68 years old, and very much indoctrinated in the idea that house work is “women’s work”. It’s a continuous struggle.

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    1. Sometimes, you have to listen to your partner…not always…šŸ˜‰but sometimes. What I hate is that my mother in law will ask my husband why I didnā€™t do something….like send her a Motherā€™s Day card….šŸ˜†

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  8. My wife leaves stuff lying around on the floor and when she opens a draw she doesn’t shut it again. It drives my nuts! She’s messy but clean. She’ll make sure dishes are done for example, but never put them away. I always wonder why she only does half of the job? Eventually I learnt she wouldn’t change so now I tidy and she cleans. The compromise works well. Great post LA.

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  10. Ah, the classic “We got a puppy. Now I have 2 creatures to train.” Perhaps she can walk the dog and train her husband to rub her shoulder. šŸ™‚ I love how well your answer reflects that you’ve heard her. Sure, LA, you could be an advice columnist — or anything else that combines your wit and wisdom!

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  11. I started an “Ask Swim Mom” column because I started getting emails from swim parents who read my SwimSwam parent advice. It was really surprising to me. It’s a fun format. Often I would ask my daughter for help in answering their questions. I think you’d do a great advice column. A plus of the format is the readers love to comment with their advice and I’d get tons of interesting, lengthy comments. On the dog pulling on the leash, the husband needs to be on the same page. The dog will never learn obedience if the training isn’t consistent.

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  12. Ah yes the dynamic of the fact that of course one person is doing something correctly and the other needs to be taught! Seriously, after 40 years I have accepted certain things that my husband does that are not the way I would but they are not the hill I want to die on. The dog is an issue that affects all or at least should so everyone in the house has to be on board or it will just get passed to the one person who does it most often.

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  14. It’s tough because we have two adult kids living with us and hubby thinks they don’t do enough around the house. It doesn’t bother me because they both work outside the house and we are home all day. Plus, son mows the lawn and daughter helps with cleaning the bathroom and groceries. Hubs vents his frustrations in the form of snide remarks and comments and I get angry because I’m tired of hearing his moaning. I’m not going to argue about who takes out the garbage.

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  15. I could be an advice columnist, except for the fact that I don’t like to tell people what to do. I KNOW what they should be doing, of course– but don’t like to get involved. It’s that introverted part of my personality that holds me back, again.

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  16. Do you have arguments with your partner about domestic duties? NOPE! Here’s the deal. My husband is a cleaner (his mom was the manager of the entire cleaning staff at a major downtown Detroit building, so I suspect there’s a clear connection there). Anyway, I don’t clean. I will cook, wash dishes, and do laundry (because I don’t want little balls on my shirt because someone decided to throw a towel in there, too). So, we have clearly defined roles and it keeps the arguing to a bare minimum. (He also cooks on Wed and every other Sun, something I negotiated once we’d been married for like 15 year or so).

    The dog thing: We had a pet. My husband didn’t want a pet, but I did. So, I ridiculously agreed to take care of this dog by myself…for ten years! He walked and fed the dog if I was out of town; otherwise, nada, nothing, zilch. So, yeah. We didn’t argue about that either :-/

    You’d be a great columnist ā¤

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  19. I too love this idea; make it a normal series, please and thank you. šŸ˜‰ Alright on to the questions. Here we go.
    Yes.
    Yes, we did, all the time, divorced now as you know.
    I did them myself. Um, yep, not super constructive at building actual relationships. Yet, it’s what I did.
    Everything. Okay, harsh, and not true. Um, I would say, assisting when I didn’t need help, and not assisting when I did need help. Yep, our communication was, well, not awesome, as you can read.
    Yes.
    Yes.
    Nope, that pretty much sums it up for me. Love it.

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  20. on a dog walking note..I saw the coolest thing the other day driving through the city I saw a young couple walking a puppy without a leash. They came to stop sign. The couple stopped, the puppy took one step out onto the street looked back at the humans who said nothing, then stepped back. It was amazing. I waved them to cross and all three then crossed in front of my car. Now that is a well trained dog.

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      1. I’ve read a couple of Amy Dickinson’s memoirs (of the Dear Amy column – I believe she took over for the old Ann Landers after she died by auditioning) – and she’s had an interesting life. She usually spot on with her advice.

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  23. Advice columnist yes! I’ve noticed that all of us tend to be “untrainable” especially when it comes to domestication. My husband, I mean my dog does well when offered a treat, just sayin, C

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  25. “After doing this for a minute he throws his hands up in the air and exclaims………………”, LA dogs are intelligent (stubborn) animals (I should know lol we’ve owned Collies my entire life, or perhaps they owned me?), you have to persevere with the training also ALL sing from the same hymn sheet…………if you keep pausing along with a sharp tug on the lead then she will learn.

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