I recently saw a post on Instagram- the gist of it was:

“Find a man who takes care of himself (eg. books spa appointment), because a man who takes care of himself will take care of you.”

I have to admit I was a little flummoxed to be reading this. Is the way a person treats themselves an indicator of how they will treat you?

I think that people do have to be kind to themselves. I think people need to take care of personal grooming and health needs. I think they need to care for their personal space. I also think that people do need to practice self care. But I think everyone should be doing this to a certain degree. Every single person on this planet should accept personal responsibility for themselves. So, in turn, shouldn’t we all be actively looking for someone who takes care of themselves?

The problem is in the interpretation of what self care means. Self care to me means taking the time out to make sure all parts of me are nourished: food that sustains my body in a healthy way, books and conversation that stimulates my brain, showers and hair cuts and grooming that keeps my appearance in check, relationships that help me emotionally. Self care means taking the time out to be good to myself.

But are there variations of self care?

Can too much self care be a bad thing?

Can we assume that someone who takes care of themselves will take care of you?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Who knows.

I guess I want to know what people expect when they say they want someone to take care of them. What does that even mean?

I don’t know if I want my Husband to “take care of me.” I want him to respect me. I want him to listen to me. I want him to not lose his patience when it comes to my daughter or the pets or household inconveniences. I want him to not complain if I put wine in the tomato sauce because the tomato’s and the meat needed a little balance.

But do I want him to take care of me?

What expectations do we have when we try to find a mate? Are we looking for the person that best suits us, or the person who will take care of us?

Discuss:

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64 thoughts on “I Take Care of Me”

  1. As a general rule, I don’t need anyone to “take care of” me! I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. My husband and I have been together 28 1/2 years, married almost 6, and it’s not been perfect, but he’s always had my back, and vice versa. If I need him to take care of me, he’s there. That’s the balance that works for us. Maybe there are people who actually want someone to take over their life and do everything?

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  2. I’m with you, LA. Someone who suits me, someone who respects me, someone who is always there for me, but … take care of me??! The little woman??! I think not. Taking care of each other should be a natural outcome of a good relationship, but that’s not at all the same thing as “looking for someone to take care of me”.

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    1. I thought that too. That was my original premise when I thought about this topic. Someone who is totally into taking care if themselves might not be the best caregiver

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  4. I’ve lived alone long enough that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Though it would be nice to have someone around who would take out the garbage. But as far as the topic goes, people should be able to care for themselves, not rely on those around them for basic tasks (unless, you know, there are illnesses or whatnot involved).

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  5. It seems that we have arrived at that place in history where irony prevails. To empower yourself would seem the common sense route for females everywhere. To BE empowered, taken care of, by a man? It would seem to run counter to this.

    And I am instantly distrustful of an individual- woman or man- who speaks in such generalities about love and romance. It means they bring a template to their relationship, and worse, one that bears a striking resemblance to the wrong turns they’ve made up to that point.

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    1. Right? Holy contradiction Batman. Do we want to be empowered or taken care of? Pick a lane. And yes we think Of love and relationships as a series of sound bites, instead of a living breathing thing

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  7. I had no desire to be taken care of. I wanted an equal partner in every aspect, a give and take when needed and someone who had the ability to also realize when a little extra might be nice.

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      1. Although…you have to consider ethnic and cultural dynamics if we aren’t generalizing to a specific component of the population. For some cultures and/or geographically located populations, there may very well be a sense that “care taking” means much more and is an expectation. Sorry I popped in on another’s comment

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      2. Good point. I just think like sorry less said in general…at one side we talk aboit empowerment and then we simultaneously say that we need to be cared for. How do these balance out? Lots to chew over with this

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  10. The idea that someone that takes care of themselves is an indicator that they will take care of you is… skewed? Wrong? Misguided? Sorry, I just can’t find the word that fits at the moment.

    Nothing in what someone does for themselves has any indicators what so ever of how they treat others. A person that takes care of themselves is just as likely to be a selfish narcissist as they are to be someone willing to care for others, so that idea of self care as a litmus test is inaccurate.

    I’d always heard that to see how someone would treat you is to observe how they treat their mother and I’ve found it to be mostly accurate (some circumstances will always throw off things like this). A person that is willing to let their mom act like their maid or servant, won’t hesitate to expect the same from you. Someone that steps in to help their mom to lighten her load, is going to be someone that is very likely to be willing to help out in a healthy partnership.

    And that is how I view the caring for part of this. When I say that my Hubby takes care of me, he does so by caring for how I feel and takes that into consideration in his words and his actions. He does nice things for me just because he can and because it makes me smile. That care also comes in the form of being a healthy, equal partner in our relationship. We each carry our own weight, but will step in if the other needs to carry less for a while. To me, it is all really much more about emotional care than anything.

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    1. You make excellent observations. I don’t think it necessarily correlates that taking care of yourself means you’ll be a good caregiver. This goes for romantic relationships as well as a parental ones. I’ve seen plenty of people who take care of themselves be really lousy in relationships. There’s nothing wrong with caring for your partner at all. But that should be a given in a healthy relationship…you sort of take care of one another

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  11. Considering that I ‘looked’ for my husband back when I was sixteen, I’d say I was mostly seeking love, admiration, affection, understanding, and shared interests.

    And, I use my Drafts folder to jot down writing ideas that I don’t have time to get to at the time. …Let’s not talk about how many are in there. I have five boys. 😉

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  12. I don’t need someone to “take care of me”. There was an old saying “watch how a man treats his mother, because it will give you an idea of how he will treat you.” I paraphrased I am sure, but I find this a bit more apt. This shows respect and really that is what I need.

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  13. While I’m a total badass capable of taking care of myself, a bit of nurturing from YBW or the girls is always nice! ❤
    For me, being “taken care of” simply having someone who loves me have my back.
    An excellent example is: I was really sick and up all night vomiting (sorry) and needed gas in my car but was too sick the next day to get it. My husband took my car out and got gas for me after he got home from work. I appreciate his kindness and him “taking care of” me when I needed it!
    We’re all in this together, it’s heartening to know we’ve got each other’s backs.
    On another note: self care means something different to everyone so that insta post is possibly setting unrealistic expectations 😉

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  15. Hmm……. I’m not so sure a man who takes care of himself will be more caring towards a partner, a bit of a generalisation there………… I’d rephrase the sentiment as ‘we all need to love and be loved’.

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    1. …………..I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot recently, I’m single at the moment and there’s not a lot of love both ways lol (I’m not talking about sex btw!), and I realise it’s unhealthy both mentally and emotionally, if you’re not loved by a partner and have no capacity to love a partner then a general cynicism lack of patience and not caring can seep in, loving is a comforting habit that constantly needs reaffirming………….. something to be watchful of!

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  16. Hmmm. Yeah, the language, as you suggest, is the issue here, I think. I do think that when someone takes care of themself, there is a higher likelihood that they will take care of everything else in their life; yet, that does not necessarily mean that they will “take care of someone else’s” issues, etc. In fact, those that practice self-care will be less interested in someone that doesn’t practice self-care. So, defining what “taking care of” means is appropriate in this conversation. Good question, LA.

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  17. I don’t want anyone to “take care of me,” but I do want someone to take care of certain needs sometimes, like in the emotional or physical realm, if I’m being honest. At the same time, that’s not why I’m with my husband. I’m with him because I like being with him, and I hope he’ll do the other things sometimes.

    And no. Someone who takes care of him/herself is only showing you they’ll take care of him/herself…always lol

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  19. I haven’t had a choice but to take care of me the past couple of years. I realize now that was a huge factor in where I found my value, feeling safe and secure with my husband. I have learned the greater value in taking care of me. I think this is what will prepare me best for any potential future relationship.

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  20. I’d say we all need to have someone take care of us occasionally when we cannot. My gauge for whether someone is caring towards others is how they treat a dog. 😎

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  21. I have never looked for someone to take care of me. I looked for someone who together we would take care of us! Some days I may do more for him and some days he may do more for me. Then there are days we just do for ourselves, but in the long run we are taking care of each other while taking care of ourselves.

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  23. I took a bit of time to think about this one as self-care is one of my things as a life coach. Self-care not being selfish is a growing trend, because the people who take care of others – the nurturers & the selfless – need to be reminded of meeting their own needs without guilt. It is not intended to be for those who are naturally inclined to put themselves first, not out of a sense of responsibility, but because they’re narcissistic in some form.

    I believe that IG post means someone independent & responsible, a grown-up, someone who gets stuff done & doesn’t expect others to do everything for them, rather than someone who is “caring” or “self-caring”. And yes, what well-balanced person wouldn’t want a partner like that? I think the intent of the post was correct, but the words chosen were not.

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  24. I agree with most of the comments here i.e. that being with someone who takes care of him/herself will indicates that person will take good care of you, That opinion also applies when the situation is reversed. This opinion, of course, is yet another result of what I experienced in my marriage which is in the throes of coming to a crashing end.

    Among the way too many thoughts I have collected on which to expound/pontificate at a later date, a good portion of them relate to self-care. Besides the pending divorce, there are a whole lot of other demands on my time and energy that make the need for self-care almost critical right now. Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly, these demands limit the time and energy I have to devote to self-care. Talk about your vicious circles!

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