A few years ago, my Goddaughter came to town for a visit. She was probably about 23 at the time. As we walked down the streets we heard someone tell a tale about how they had cancer, and needed 23$ for the bus ticket back home where maybe the Mother who abandoned them would reclaim them…

or maybe they just lost their job…

or maybe their wallet was stolen…

And my Goddaughter asked me: Are any of these stories true?

TO which I replied: My guess is 99 out of 100 are lies…

When did I become so jaded?

Maybe it was when I was 23 and commuting to work. I didn’t have much money then, so I would bring lunch from home. I saw a homeless person on the subway saying they were hungry. I gave them my little bag containing a sandwich and an apple. They promptly threw in back to me and asked for money only.

One Saturday I was using mass transit to go to Long Island. A woman got on the train saying that her wallet was stolen and she just needed 11$ to get home. Sounds sad, right? You imagine yourself in the same position- how would you get home?

But see, the problem is, the weekend before I had seen the same woman on New Jersey transit. Again her wallet was stolen. But this time home was New Jersey…

The guy who sits on the corner of 23rd St and 6th Ave with a sign saying he needs 49$ to get the bus ticket home. Problem is, he’s been on the corner for about five years and I’ve seen him get money everyday, yet that 49$ never goes down….he’s never gotten on the bus home….Did I mention that I once saw someone give him an actual bus ticket?

So how do we learn to trust when a story is true, or if we are being played?

Ok- this was all about people that we don’t know….

What about trusting your partner in life? They buy things without your knowledge, they lose their job but don’t tell you, they keep a bottle of vodka behind a book on the bookshelf, they have their bookie on speed dial, they cheat on you….

How do you learn to trust them again?

Say that you can’t: do you let another person into your life?

I have a friend: 3 exes behind her- about to walk the plank aisle with another: How does she do it? How does she have the space in her heart to trust another person to be her life partner?

Business partners….roommates….friends….

Is trust just another form of faith?

Do we just will ourselves to believe that most people will be truthful about most things? Most of us start out like this- we trust that things are as they appear…

But at what point to we lose our trust in someone, something?

Are there people who never lose their trust?

What makes them different?

How trusting are you?

Do you let intuition guide you as to what to believe or not to believe? Or have you learned the hard way?

Trust- what are your thoughts.

Discuss

89 thoughts on “In ______ We Trust”

  2. I am not a trusting person at all. I think I used to be, but there has just been way too many times where that trust has been violated and abused. As someone who is incredibly introverted and shy, it has always been difficult for me to make connections in the first place, so I tend to rely on the ones I do make as they managed to get past those hurdles. That makes it even more difficult when the trust is betrayed. It is incredibly difficult to be open to trusting others when most of the people in your life, including family, have managed to violate that trust in extreme ways. I honestly have no clue how others can experience that over and over and keep extending that trust without major reservations and caution. I don’t think I’m completely incapable of trust, but what I do have comes with epic levels of skepticism.

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      1. It is the idea of hope. Hope is something that is very difficult to completely smother and as long as there is hope, you are going to see people stepping out on a ledge and taking risks. It is why you see some people constantly giving chances to the same people that hurt them over and over. They hope that those people will change, that THIS time it will be different. Some people just have buckets full of hope and others just have a thimble.

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      3. I once read a book that pulled pretty heavily on the concept of hope and the good and bad that comes from it. It is something I tend to go back and think on often.

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  3. Well that was a huge subject to think about on a Monday morning LA! But I’m game to answer so here it goes. All the stories you exampled in the beginning, I’ve had similar experiences. Somehow even though it’s heart wrenching, I am distrustful as well. As for your friend who’s on the 4th, wow. I am a little jaded but I still hold hope that there are good people out there to trust. My trust was thoroughly broken by the ex and it’s taken me a long time to heal and to learn to trust my intuition again. While I’m still a work in progress, I am open to trusting again in increments with a good circle of friends who help me.

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    1. I don’t know how she’s ready to trust another person! Though, maybe her outlook is just different than mine…maybe she thinks that a few good years is ok and then she’ll move on…. and yeah…I’ve been relaxing the past few weeks….time to get the brain humming again!

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      1. Keep that brain humming…I always enjoy your posts! I wish her all the best, but I wouldn’t be able to walk in her shoes and keep trying like that. Maybe the 4th one will be the one that sticks…or maybe it gets easier when it doesn’t work out? I don’t judge, but I do wonder now…

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  4. I trust my husband, although every so often I find hidden m&ms..and it hurts. Sadly, I don’t trust the stories of any random people asking for money..I figure it’s all for booze or meth. I try to tell them about social services available in our area..most aren’t interested.. it is what it is.

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  5. I’m very open to an open mind, but not an open wallet. 🙂

    In terms of hurt trust in remainder, perhaps there’s something to that introvert personality of feeling deeply and then not trusting deeply. For example, my natal family has permanently ruined the game of Clue for me.

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  6. I have a pretty good ‘gut instinct’. There was a time when I didn’t believe in it and got into a lot of trouble later when people betrayed.
    The way I see it, trust works both ways. When you trust someone, it is also their responsibility to respect the faith you have in them. (And not betray.)

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      1. That’s what I have been following so far. Yes, there are times when I have been betrayed, but I would think it as “they weren’t responsible enough”.

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  7. I like the words of Father Greg Boyle, who founded Homeboy Industries here in LA. He says, “Don’t stand in judgment, stand in awe of all they have to carry.”

    This wisdom helps me in those split seconds when I am tempted to try to trust if the person accosting me in the grocery store parking lot really does have cancer and really needs my $ to get a hotel room for shelter for the night.

    Once a woman observed me giving said person $ and snarled, “He’s a fake, he’s here all the time.” To which I replied that I was going home to my warm house and bed and he is out here in the cold/dark, fake story or not, it’s a lot to carry around.

    People reduced to lying/begging for their subsistence, even if that subsistence consists of alcohol/drugs, are carrying a ghastly burden of humiliation, despair, and usually self-loathing.

    So I try to stand in awe of that and reflect more on gratitude. There but for the grace of God go I.

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    1. Very true. But I’m to the point where I don’t trust that they have no place to go. I used to bring food every day to the woman who was always on my corner. I knew she was homeless and didn’t ask for anything. The others…I don’t trust anymore. I also don’t want to fuel drug or alcohol addictions.

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  8. I guess the moral is to not lose faith, but to trust carefully. With that said, it seems like there is more fraud today than ever before. Look at the number of phishing emails, tele-fraud calls, data breaches, etc. Yes, the Internet has given criminals more opportunity for criminal activity, but it also seems like the darkside of human behavior is gaining more and more traction in the world.

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    1. Yes. I think you hit on something very important. We see the bad so much more clearly now because there are more ways to be bad, and I wonder if people feed off that?

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  9. I have always counted on my intuition. I have cautioned my husband away from business deals or people because I got a bad vibe. It’s never let me down, but maybe it’s kept me away from some positive experiences as well. “Better safe than sorry.”

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      1. It’s just a hunch. I have no explanation but I have intuition about people? Or maybe I’m extremely judgmental 🙂 For example, there was a broker who wanted to move from LA to Palm Springs and form a partnership with my husband. He took us both to lunch and I instantly got a bad vibe from him. I think it was his flashy cuff links that looked so out of place in our casual desert.

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  10. I’ve always had trust issues, but also a boatload of compassion. That makes for interesting mental gymnastics when confronted by the homeless. I’ve come to the point where I will carry granola bars or some other non-perishable food or a small gift card to a grocery store or restaurant. If they throw the food back at me, at least I’ve done a small part to try to alleviate suffering in the world. I once circled the block to give a beggar a homemade cookie and a banana that I had with me. It was his birthday. He tried to prove it to me, but I waved him away. It made my heart happy. Another time I was walking through the streets of downtown Portland and I smiled at a homeless man. He thanked me for that. I’ve never forgotten. Sometimes it’s just about recognizing a fellow human. As for trusting the people in my life, I’ve learned (and am still learning) where my boundaries are. It’s liberating to know what I will and will not tolerate from people. What I give, I give from my heart. After it’s been given, I let it go. Let them do with it as they will. I expect nothing in return, so when something is given back, it’s a beautiful thing. This comes from a lot of work learning about radical acceptance. It’s a 3 steps forward, two steps back kind of journey.

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    1. I buy a lunch once a week for a random person on the street, but I shy away from the ones actively asking for something. If someone is consistently in the same spot every day, I might bring them something. By now, I’ve seen way more bad than good, and had a lot of food thrown back at me

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      1. That’s so kind of you. Yes, I understand the ones taking advantage of the kindness of others. It’s frustrating because there’s real need out there.

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  12. I’m pretty skeptical of the sob stories and usually pass. But occasionally, my intuition or heart tell me to pay closer attention. If I sense real need and see something genuine in their eyes, I’ll help. If I’m being taken advantage of, I’m ok with that–I’d rather risk being a schmuck than failing to help someone in real need. There are so many homeless and hungry people out there these days–and they’re not the ones with the slick stories–they’ve fallen through the ever-widening cracks in our systems. There are many ways we can help them. We need to get beyond seeing them as “other.”

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  14. First of all, you’re really challenging us to think this morning!
    Secondly, I always trust my gut. Literally in every situation. If I get a bad vibe, I shut whatever it is down with a quickness. If I get a good vibe, I’m open to exploration.
    In my entire life, my gut has NEVER been wrong.
    Thirdly, you know my husband and I dated long distance for four years. We dated for several months over the phone and via email, text and chat. The first time we were in the same physical space, he said, I think I’m falling in love with you. I trusted my gut and trusted him. And even though things aren’t always sunshine and lollipops, that leap of faith was the smartest choice I ever made. ❤

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  15. I’m reminded many years ago in my twenties a guy who looked down on his luck asked me for change, I was earning an apprentice wage at the time and gave him what coins I had in my pocket, well 😀 he looked up at me with such a look of disgust and said “haven’t you got any more than that?”……….. Amusing now but I remember at the time I was so disappointed by his reaction
    .

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  16. I trust the Bible. I don’t trust my interpretations of it. When I find out that someone has lied to me, I trust that negative truth that they have lied. That truth is painful. I want justice to follow. When it doesn’t the pain increases.

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  17. I will say that I am more trusting of some people than others. When I found my ex fiance in bed with my best friend I felt more betrayed by my best friend. She ruined most relationships with women for many years. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but I look into things.

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  18. This is such a weighted question, but a good one! Trust is so important but such a fragile thing and so easily broken. I think you know my story, my trust was broken in one of the worst ways possible when a friend of ours for 20 years took advantage of my daughter!!
    So what do I do, do I look at all my other friends that I freely gave my trust too and judge them because of this one guy? Do I build a wall against making friends? No, I can’t do that unless I am willing to miss out on so many joys! When we love we take a risk, we know there is a risk of being deeply hurt but we love because the reward is so great. We love and trust in spite of the pain that can come our way and I plan to continue doing that. I don’t blindly trust, I do try to be sensible and recognize red flags if I see them, but I won’t let myself be bitter and refuse to trust again, because I simply don’t want to live life that way.
    If my daughter had stopped trusting, she would miss out on the amazing boyfriend that she has now. We need to be smart, but don’t build a wall, and now my “book” here is done. 🙂

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    1. I think you are an amazing person because you’ve been able to move on, and it’s because of this that your daughter has done the same. I am working towards a more positive attitude

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  19. Trust your instinct. How do you feel when you see an image or someone? For example: watching someone enjoy dancing in Times Square if you can’t go and are forbidden makes me feel as if someone is not for real.

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  22. With the panhandling scenario, I don’t worry about it. In fact, about six years ago, I published an essay about how those stories don’t matter…either give or don’t give.

    With people I know, I’ve learned that I cannot trust everyone. Some people are blatant liars I just kind of accept it and move on.

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  23. A great topic, as always, LA. Hmmmm. Yes, I do let my intuition guide me in these matters. I will write that growing up in Los Angeles, well, actually, I lived there most of my life, I also have lots of examples the like of which you have shared. When it comes to those I don’t know, if I take an action to give something, I release it without a consideration about what they will do with the money, or food, etc. I was not always this way though. And, I rarely actually give people on the street money these days. As to people we know, I am able to continue to trust someone if they’ve broken trust with me, if they admit to it, and they are open in their commitment to being truthful now and in the future. I guess, I see trust as something that I consider important, and surround myself with people that also place a high value on trust. Hmm. Just like all of the values I hold dear, actually. Wow, a great prompt. Have a great week.

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    1. I’ve been wondering a lot about trust lately…everything thing we do we do in trust that someone else will do what they’re supposed to. It’s like a ball teetering on top of a pyramid

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      1. Yes, I can see that. It’s interesting, I don’t actually think about trust that often, due to, I think, surrounding myself with people I do trust, which I wrote about, yet, that is an assumption. Meaning, that they will continue to be trustworthy. Interesting….

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  24. I trust my husband of 26 years, my friends and most of my relatives. I think that usually a person’s track record speaks for itself. Nobody’s perfect, and there may be a few minor slip-ups, but I keep company with like-minded people who believe that personal integrity and honesty are important, so I trust them.
    As for people on the outside….🤔….. most of the time I feel like they’re scheming, unfortunately. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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  25. I used to give or ‘lend’ people money when they were in trouble (though the promised repayment never came) – did it four or five times in ten years despite Julia telling me I was being taken for a ride. Then one day someone asked me for £4 fro fuel for the car to get home with the kids. I gave them the money. It wasn’t really enough to worry about, even if they were lying.

    They drove out of the supermarket car park in front of me and went straight to MacDonald’s. So much for the story…

    The casual lying and greed angered me much more than any of the other times (which had all cost me more) and I said I’d never fall for it again.

    The strange thing is that since I decided that, nobody has ever asked. It was almost as if I had a sign on my head saying “Sucker” which switched off at that point.

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    1. Where I live, people just ask all the time. There’s a guy who sits in front of the building across the street and says all day “I’m hungry.” Loudly enough we hear it in our apartment. Problem is I went a week where I brought him food every day, yet he kept on doing it, and didn’t eat the food I brought btw. So yeah….real quick…

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      1. We really should look at some tough love for persistent beggars. Set them to work in a modern Workhouse with dull work, food and a bed. No drink. No drugs. I’m getting harder as I get older. When the police had a purge in Nottingham they found one actually had a car and was driving forty miles a day to work as a professional beggar in town.

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      2. That’s the problem. There was an expose that many “street people” actually have homes and this is their “job”. And it takes away from the people who truly need assistance. That’s why it’s so easy to become hardened to it

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  26. OH my! This post brings to mind so many stories as to why I DON”T TRUST! The older I get, the more questions I ask and I listen and I mean LISTEN! When I was younger, I believed anything someone told me, but now I can smell crap a mile away!
    If someone loses my trust I don’t allow their actions to prevent a real friend or love interest from entering my life.

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  27. It takes me a very long time to trust anyone or anything and if I do give a person or thing my trust and it is broken that’s it, They.it are gone.

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  28. Awesome post!! Trust is hard- and different people trust differently.
    Great read- this caught my eye because the title was similar to my site tagline XD
    Have a great day!
    stay sticky,
    [pbs}

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