Nothing kills our dreams faster than other people’s opinions of them, particularly people who think they know us intimately, such as family and friends

Sarah Ban Breathnach – Simple Abundance

If you have a dream, do you share it?

My blog was about two months old before I told my Husband and Daughter about it. Maybe six months old before I told my closest friends about it. And I still haven’t told my parents that I write a blog…

Why?

Well, with my husband and daughter, I wanted to see if it stuck- if blogging was going to become a part of me, a part of my day to day. I wasn’t sure if I was going to enjoy blogging- I did it to get into the habit of writing every day, but I knew if I immediately told my family I would feel pressure…what kind of pressure I’m not sure, but pressure just the same…

With my friends, i guess I wanted to know that I had some talent, or some point of view, or something that made blogging more real…

With my parents, well, I haven’t told my parents because my Mother is a dream killer…

She would say-

“Why don’t you get your Masters in Writing?”

or

Why don’t you write something else

or

This is just a waste of time for someone who is as smart as you are

Because nothing I’ve ever done has ever been good enough for my Mother.

Whenever I have told her I was interested in doing something, she always has a comment about it. According to her, the things that I want aren’t good enough, my dreams are supposed to be different.

Because she’s the Mother and she knows….

One day I’m going to look back and say that my Mother knew everything…

And that I knew nothing…

that I know nothing…

So you see that why I highlighted that quote when I read it…

Because I felt like SBB was writing to me…

She was telling me that my dreams matter, and it’s OK if I don’t share them with everyone…

Because they are my dreams, and mine alone…

And the only thoughts about them that matter are my own.

64 thoughts on “Hold Onto Your Dreams”

  1. I am glad you have chosen to follow your dream and write LA! Your blog is rich with ideas, interactions…I appreciate the vulnerability you often chose to display (like today) . Regarding sharing dreams…I absolutely am very selective to whom I share my dreams. I have a neighbor who is a dream killer. I am often times my own worst critic when it comes to writing, that is why I have in front of my desk on the wall, several blog comments from others over the years who took the time to affirm something I’d written..they remind me to not listen to the nay saying voices in my head. DM

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  3. I have learned over the past year or so that

    A. I take every comment, even if it’s innocently made, personally

    B. I get defensive too fast

    That would be my teenagers telling me this. 🙄

    Nugget if truth? I mean, I disagree in principle at times, but sometimes it feels like maybe there’s a nugget of truth.

    It takes work not to let others’ opinions, or our own negative ones, take us and our dreams hostage.

    I’m a work in progress.

    Your mom means we’ll even if her method of communication elicits a defensive reaction in you.

    Dream on. ❤️ And then write about it. 💕

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  4. I didn’t not tell my family I had a blog but when I told my wife I was considering upgrading it her response was “you have a blog?” I don’t think I have any dream killers but I am married to a very practical person who grew up in a very practical family. Anything too out there is frowned upon. I’m sure we will not tell my MIL I quit my job or that I plan to write for a bit.

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  5. Ugh! I am right there with you on the mom issue. I have so many hang ups about doing the things I really love because of all the negative I’ve always heard from mine about whatever I was passionate about (always something creative, of course). I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard some form of “Why on Earth would you want to do THAT?!” At one point, I wanted to get a degree in art, but was convinced that it would be useless because I’d never get a job that paid me anything with that degree. The words of those we are closest to tend to do the most damage. As hard as cutting the ties were, I’m really grateful all of that was behind me and that I didn’t have to listen to it all when I was going through the book process.

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    1. My mother says it with that question in her voice, like she can’t even imagine what I was thinking. And she’ll tell e I should be “x” or “y” when I think she’s just frustrated that she didn’t do certain things…

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      1. It took me forever to understand that anything artistic wasn’t legitimate in her mind. That and, yes, there was a certain weird competition kind of thing in her mind and she needed to have/be better. It was so messed up.

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  6. My parents were both dream killers of sorts. Any dreams I had needed to fit into their norms of what was okay. When I was in college and uncertain about what I wanted to do I had grabbed some pamphlets about different majors—my mom found them and even voiced her disapproval over some silly pamphlets.
    My parents were more approving of my sister’s dreams than mine.
    The summer before I started college, I had decided I wanted to be a pharmacy major. After many twists and turns years later I ended up getting a nursing degree. That summer, while working at a small diner, when I told people I wanted to get a pharmacy degree–people would question me, and one even said “Why would you want to be a pharmacist, they are just washed up doctors?”. What gives people permission to think it is okay to make comments like that?
    I think you have a great blog and are a good writer! Another great, thought provoking post!

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    1. See? I don’t understand comments like that! Why do we like downplaying what people do? Who’s to say a dream isn’t valuable or worthwhile. It’s like we want to squash someone’s inner flame

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  7. Don’t let anyone crush your dreams. Your Dreams matter! And your ideas are excellent! BTW, You have a wonderful blog. And it was very brave to start one . However, I understand what it’s like to have a parent who dismisses or devalues your ideas. It’s easy to question yourself. Be proud that you followed through on this creative venture. That’s difficult to do with such a parent.
    And BTW You don’t need to share everything with some people. I totally get that. Why would any of us share things with those we know who will automatically reject us? My mother couldn’t relate to much of what I did. Mainly because We were so different. I found out after she died when reading her journals, that she was actually proud of me. Yet it wasn’t her style to give compliments. I wonder if it was a generational thing to not praise your children. I did the opposite and my oldest son would tell me “Ofcourse you think I’m great, because I’m your kid. You have to say that. “ So I wonder if praise works with some people and not with others. My youngest son really gets me and I can share all my creative ventures with him more readily. Probably because we think alike. He doesn’t take offense when I compliment him like his brother does. But his brother is very self critical. And yet, he has a successful podcast which is s syndicated and also writes for a major sports team etc. and he will often send me his work before he publishes it just to proofread. So who knows if all us are just insecure with out ideas.
    But never let anyone stomp on your dreams. They are yours and therefore, precious.

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    1. My mother didn’t give compliments either. She thought if you gave compliments you would stop working or striving….which is ridiculous to me. I think it was somewhat generational….though what they were thinking I don’t know

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  8. My blog(s) have been illustrations of different parts of my life. The first was a memoir for my kids so they had access to read if they wanted. A lot of that one was melded into this current one. I think only one adult child continues to read now. As an older college student I blogged specifically about my learning and degree pursuit and it was open to all those who follow my current blog. I never had any desire to inform family/friends that I blog. Other than the memories for the kids, blogging is a place (when I actually write!) to interact with a diverse group of people who do not judge 🙂

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      1. That’s why I my blog is anonymous…freedom from worrying about what people think. My mother knows about it of course as I feature her art occasionally but she is and always has been very supportive of anything I do. (She’s seen it but doesn’t read it as she doesn’t have a computer). I wouldn’t share it with any other family members though, esp. my siblings as they are all “dream killers” – I love that expression, so apt, and they would be critical/jealous/ or just not interested etc. (They’re not interested in my mother’s art either or anything creative period). For that reason, I never mention any family in my posts, as it does concern me their reaction if they found it. The first 3 months I didn’t even take my blog public, as I wasn’t sure I could even write. The very few friends I shared it with early days (less than ten) were not interested either, and after a few posts did not read. One’s only comment was that there were spelling mistakes! Most of them are medical people, so again that lack of understanding of why anyone would want to do anything creative. One of them recently asked me why I continue when I have so few readers – she actually said to me, “what’s the point?” They don’t understand the fun of doing something creative just for yourself. I know I could increase my followers if I shared it a bit on Facebook etc, but then there’s the danger of having people you don’t want critiquing it finding out. Your blog is one of the best I’ve read LA – you keep it up! And I’m sure your other writing is good too!

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      2. I think you hit on something important…we blog not for readers, but for ourselves…it’s something we need to do that belongs to us…some people don’t get that

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  9. This is why I was so shy about blogging and writing at first as well. You also saw my poem on dreams; pretty much the same idea.

    I know we’re supposed to feel validated my our own inner voice, but we also need people to read. 🙂

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  11. When I started my blog six years ago, I was very selective with who I shared it with, and still am. I began writing decades ago after a career in public relations and advertising when I became a stay at home mom. I can sense who is supportive and who is not. I share accordingly. I have one friend who is super and always has ideas for me and another who refers me magazine writing jobs.

    I do understand how you feel about your mom. When I’m with my dad and his friends, his friends ask what I’m working on and he always changes the subject like he’s embarrassed of me!

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  12. I told my family about Park’s blog but not livingeveryday2017 because they wouldn’t be interested. I have not told them that I am trying to write a book because they would expect updates and doubt that I could do it. Yup, unintentional dream squashers.

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  15. …………..interesting comment thread, I’d suggest most parents have little time for their child’s fanciful dreams, they understand life is tough, that few if any lucky breaks will come their way hence they advice with a sense of caution, my mother was very much get a good education then find a settled job ………..

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  16. I’d tell my parents but I can’t 😥….But my Mom was a dream supporter, my dad the dream killer. My Mom actually did creative things with me, my Dad on the other hand came to my comedy improv graduation performance and told me not to quit my day job.

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  17. I’m currently listening to Rod Stewart’s autobiography on Audible. Today, he recounted how embarrassed he was every time he unveiled a new song, even to those closest to him. I found that very interesting. It may explain why I’ve loved him all these years. Anyway, there must be a good reason you’ve kept your blog from your parents. I think you want to protect it. I don’t blame you. Some people want to douse everyone else’s creative fire.

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  18. I’m glad you’ve found a way to neutralize the dream killers in your life. You have a wonderful blog that generates a ton of insightful discussion. You should rightfully be proud of it and your other accomplishments.

    My husband has actually taken that dream-killer role (he’s just trying to keep my expectations low – don’t you know), but I have learned to ignore his pessimism and many things I just keep to myself or only share with a close friend.

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  19. Love this post, LA. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Dreams are ours, they are our creations, by us, for us. It took me a long time to understand this as I do today. I am clear on it. It is nice to read that you are following yours…

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  20. My mom is the same way! Never ever have I talked to her about blogging or being a health and fitness coach. AND she didn’t know I was enlisted in the military until a week before I left. After all, she is the one that totally discouraged me from traveling abroad to dance. Okay, now I feel like crying!!!!

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  24. The only dream my mom ever had for me was to get married. Look how well that turned out!

    I shared my blog with the possob. He said it made him cry and that our kids should read it. At the time I wrote it partially for them, partially for myself, and partially for I didn’t know whoever else might read it. That was probably close to 5 years ago now and when the possob read it again this year he just used it as an excuse for divorcing me since he could see that I really missed California and wanted to go back and he didn’t. Whatever, and he was at least partially right.

    Now, given the extreme change in my circumstances, I really want to start over with my blogging. That’s one reason I signed up for the WP Beginner’s Blogging Course, even though I have not availed myself of it yet.

    Before I moved back to CA, I had found other dreams to follow related to the small, historical and unique town of Oak Ridge, TN, where I lived and met some really great people, including fellow budding memoirists that I miss dearly. I really haven’t had any writing dreams for myself, other than those which got me started with blogging way back when. I hope I find some new ones now but until I can get back out among the living on a regular basis again, I’ll probably just keep flailing in that regard.

    Unfortunately, dammit, hopefully sooner rather than later, none of us will have the big orange guy to write scathing and insightful posts around anymore. And I just don’t know enough about pandemics to say very much on that subject. Any ideas/suggestions?

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