It’s funny that I chose this topic for today. Sorry- this wasn’t supposed to be a rant but sometimes that’s just how the dice fall…

The CEO of my Husband’s company said today that he doesn’t see a return to normalcy till the middle of next year.

Upon hearing this my Husband had the following revelation:

“In the beginning of this you (to me) were really annoying me, but now I’ve gotten used to it.”

To which I responded: “Things have not gotten better to me.”

This went down the path of how I don’t feel comfortable in my own house anymore because I can’t have this many people around in this small a space 24/7…

To which my Husband said:

No- that’s in your mind. You’re uncomfortable in your own mind.

Which lead me down the path of all the things that he says that lead me to feeling uncomfortable in the house…

  1. About six weeks ago, the milk in the container was supposedly sour (I had it in my tea that morning so I knew it wasn’t sour, but anyway) Of course, I’m supposed to know the exact moment that milk sours and have a new milk ready and waiting….(don’t get me started on that)…so now…every morning…when my Husband makes his coffee, he takes the container of milk out, and brings it over for me to sniff before he uses it. He thinks he’s hilarious. I think that one morning I’m going to hit the milk back up at him…
  2. If he is in a zoom meeting, I’m supposed to be quiet. He gets mad if I’m sitting on the couch reading or doing something quiet.
  3. The exercise bike is in the dining alcove which can be seen from the living room and kitchen. He asks that I go somewhere else when he wants to ride because I make him uncomfortable
  4. If I choose to reorganize something, because it calms me and gives me a sense of control and keeps my hands busy so I don’t strangle him, he makes a comment about it…
  5. Yesterday I was on my Zoom call with my tea society…something that I look forward to each month (the organizer sends us the samples in the mail and we taste them and compare them together. All I get is backhanded comments…

And I could go on, but you get the point…

Undoubtedly I do many things that also annoy him (obviously at the onset of pandemic season)

Am I selfish because I want to feel a little bit normal?

Is he selfish because he just doesn’t understand my point of view?

When it comes down to it, what is selfish behavior?

Is it simply not thinking about what the other person is going through at the moment?

How do you define selfish behavior?

What is an example (real or hypothetical) of it?

112 thoughts on “Selfish”

  1. There are people in my life who keep harping at me about ‘mind over matter’.

    Um…in some cases, this may work and I can appreciate the reminder, in other cases, not so much. Lockdown in small spaces with multiple people took some getting used to. Some things I’m still not used to and practicing mind over matter isn’t helping. 😔

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    1. That’s just it…you can do all the mindfulness and whatever…but you’re still sharing a small space with too many people for too many hours and everyone has different wants and needs. There are going to be issues

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  2. My opinion, based on personal experience of someone living in my house – I couldn’t stand hearing him banging around, didn’t want him listening to my calls or commenting on my in home workouts, so I made him leave. I know your situation is different, but the 24/7 never leaving the house made me finally pull the plug.

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  3. I am with you all the way on this. Being an at home wife I am used to things my way Monday through Friday and I have an order about my day. I like to keep it that way and if that is considered selfish so be it. Steve has not been doing any at home work for a couple of months so I cannot imagine how hard your situation is. I don’t think men understand the sacrifice a woman makes when she does stay home with her family especially when she does so, as in my case, because her husband would like her to. I have had many talks (rants) with him that I need autonomy in what I do and to basically back off. Am I selfish? Maybe. But there is selfishness on their part as well to suddenly be at home and expect everything to change for them! I go through this on weekends!!! Love him dearly but somedays!!! BTW…the tea society sounds absolutely awesome!!

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    1. You know, since my tea society is virtual at the moment, if you want to join I can hook you up with info….but to the other stuff you nailed it. I don’t know if selfish is the right word, but yeah…no one thinks about how the other feels. When everything is upended, we all have to try to think how it’s affecting others

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  4. I’m not sure selfish is the correct word, yet I cannot pinpoint a better one to define the things you posted about. Controlling perhaps, but that doesn’t define all of it either. So many difficulties are emerging with this pandemic, and I don’t mean just the physical aspects. I wonder how many relationships are going to be broken and not repaired by the time Covid goes away…

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    1. Claudette said back at the beginning that she felt many relationships would fail. I’m in total agreement. It’s not for lack of love.it becomes lack of understanding. When you’re with someone all the time everything is magnified, and not in a good way. When I initially thought if this topic I wasn’t thinking about my husband (but I was thinking about his family, so that says something) and I was compelled to write about this.

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      1. Didn’t want to voice that thought, but in your descriptions I see similarities to family behavior/husbands behavior. The question then becomes, is there a unified, workable and fair solution?

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  5. Irritability is often a symptom of stress, and anxiety.
    These are challenging times : let us try to feel compassion ; we are all struggling.

    Here in rural Newfoundland, traditional families were huge ! My friend has 10 siiblings.
    Their house had no indoor plumbing, or electricity, and it was small.
    The hardiness of these fishing families keeps everything in perspective for me when I am feeling impatient. 🌼🤗

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  7. I went through something like this in college with a roommate. The first year we lived together, I had a full-time job and full-time class schedule. For her, it was almost like having an apartment to herself. Then I switched to a minor part-time job my senior year. Oh, it was horrible for her to have me around all the time. She couldn’t stop harping on all my bad habits. After the school year ended, we never spoke again.

    All this is to say that being in close proximity for a change is difficult. I feel your pain. I do hope you two can learn to manage these challenging circumstances. I don’t think you can force perspective on someone, but I hope he tries a little harder to see your POV.

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  8. I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. A lot of people are feeling the same way you are. It’s not normal to be around each other all the time. While it’s different for my husband and I, I know for a fact that some of my co-workers (we’ve been working from home) have been itching to get back to the office because they like that divide between work and their home. One of my co-worker said to me, once he logs off his computer, what then? So your husband is probably feeling that way. Not to excuse your husband’s behavior though. This morning after I read this, I asked my husband that during the whole lockdown, have I ever irritated him and he said no. I believe him because he and I can take constructive criticism pretty well. And so I read some of the stuff that your husband said, and my husband said something like “her husband sound like a…” I couldn’t hear him but it wasn’t a compliment. I do hope everything goes back to normal (although I love working from home). And I hope you told him about how you’ve been feeling, because it’s not all about him.

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    1. Oh…I let it be known this morning. I’m a believer in choose your battles, so I’ve been trying to monitor what I do and don’t say…but there’s a point where how much can you not say, and which things need to be addressed

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  11. It started out so well, didn’t it? “We were all in this together..” watching Netflix, adopting puppies and playing scrabble.. but something happened at the half way point to 2021 and we all took on the personalities of survivors stranded on a mountain after a plane crash..fighting over the last bag of peanuts or, in your case, arguing over sour milk. YOU ARE NOT ALONE–One minute my husband is chewing too loud and I want to club him with the crusty bread I just baked, the next minute I’m glowing with meditative gratitude for the grapes that made the bottle of wine we are sharing. We are all at various stages of selfish survivor mode..lucky for us the election is coming soon and we are all about to be saved!!–😂😂😅😩😭

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  13. How about calling it lack of empathy – it isn’t really about thinking about yourself, just failing to think of others.

    As for listening – after 20 years of marriage I found I’d stopped listening. I was disappointed in myself for becoming that sort of husband. But there’s only so much (insert suitable word) you can listen to. Anyway, she never listens to me either…

    Retirement? My Dad tried to reorganise everything when he retired. Mum soon set him straight. 🙂

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  14. I think everyone is trying their best to navigate this new way of living and because it’s so out of the ordinary, it’s creating a lot of friction. In general, marriage is already a struggle to balance selflessness and individuality. Put the craziness of this year into the mix, and you’re sure to have even greater tension. Honestly, I don’t know whether one is selfish or not. It’s been a bumpy ride and regardless how people feel about COVID, masks, social distancing, etc…I’m sure everyone just wants to get back to normal living. It puts people on edge when things aren’t the way they’ve always been. Honestly, I think this time is a true test of marriage for some couples. It’s also a test to see what we’ll make an issue out of and what we’ll just let go. Honestly, I’m glad that I got divorced before COVID. LOL

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    1. The whole choose your battles thing comes in. I’ve been choosing my battles about what to discuss. But if I’m choosing to not discuss a lot of things, then am I heLping or hurting the situation? It’s the next unanswerable question

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  15. I don’t really know if being selfish is exactly what is going on. Thinking only of yourself or how a situation benefits you is selfish. Both you and your husband are in a situation that neither of you chose and while he has expectations that seem unreasonable (for anyone) your expectations may seem unreasonable to him. I hate to say that talking about it may be the way to go, but there are times when you just have to lay it all on the table before someone gets it. Good luck.

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    1. It’s that never ending* question about choosing your battles. I’ve been choosing what I wish to discuss with him, but there are times when I think you need to,put it all out there. If you don’t air your thoughts it can get worse!

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  16. I don’t know what’s selfish and what isn’t, or even if selfish is a “bad” thing (sometimes yes, sometimes no), but your post brought to mind two things. The first was the advice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s mother-in-law gave her when she married Marty: “It’s good to be a little deaf sometimes.”
    The second is a maxim I used frequently in my work with non-profit boards and my own staff: “We assume one another’s good intent.”
    If we can really do either or both of these, it changes everything.

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    1. I think there’s a point where you just blow. I’ve been choosing my battles very carefully, but when there’s a distinct pattern of lacking empathy, you’re going to blow. It’s a fine line between discussing too many things and too few.

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  17. Lately I’ve been thinking more about the differences between being selfish and self-centered. I think self-centered more clearly defines some issues. I just typed a long rant and then deleted it. I know what you are talking about. YOU are not selfish.

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  18. My husband has been working remotely since March. I understand what you’re going through completely! I used to have the house to myself to putter around, write, etc. Now, he’s taken over our master bedroom with all his computer equipment and is on the phone with clients — on speakerphone and it sounds like he’s yelling all the time. His clients are loud too. It’s not normal and he has no desire to go back to the office! UGH!

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  20. We are all selfish to one degree or other. I used to be quite selfish in my younger days. Not in a bad way but it was like, I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it five minutes ago. I was the one who paid for that when I was diagnosed with hypertension. So scale back on things, expectations, lifestyle, etc. Got to a place where my BP is perfect and my heath (knock on wood) is good. And then a few years ago I got the “I think you’re being selfish” because I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Which I found ironic, since I was being mindful of what works for me and what doesn’t.

    Two sides of the fence, two vantage points . . a world of difference, LOL

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  21. ❤ LA we're all struggling………… I'm sure you and hubby will get through this 🙂 . Had a meeting with my boss an Oxford University Professor of Engineering today and he told us 'we' (as in all humanity) are waiting upon a vaccine., you heard it here first the Oxford drug trials are going well so fingers crossed.

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  22. Let’s face it, we’re all getting on each others’ nerves because we’re spending so much more time together. I think the measure of a good marriage is saying what’s on your mind and knowing you’ll still be OK. Sounds like you both are doing that.

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  24. You sound normal to me. Absolutely do not agree with that statement, that it’s “all in your mind.” I personally need a lot of alone time (my wife as well) ..both of us “get it” with the other, and if she and I were locked down as long as you three have been, I think we would be feeling some of the same stress you are. My dad and mom have been married for 64 years, and since moving to town (from the farm), a couple of years ago, dad has been under foot in a way he never was previously. It is driving my mom bonkers. In answer to your initial question, I do not think you are being selfish. It’s called “self care” / has to do with boundaries, the hubby needs to turn up his empathy meter about 5 notches. DM

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  25. I find going out for a walk or work out help me and of course now I am working onsite so my patient husband is most likely having some more downtime and I am curbing my anxieties. I can handle both, working at home and on site. I like getting away but being away from 8-5 is now getting tiring again. I am happy to be recalled and have a job. Thanks for listening.

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  26. Great topic! I was told by someone that I’m close to, that I’m selfish for wanting to take a vacation when there are millions upon millions of people who have never left what ever country or state they are from and I can’t suck it up for a year. I told her I do a great deal of charity work (my whole family does) And I work damn hard all year as well as my husband. So if we can take our kids and slip away for a while we will do just that. Being able to have fun shouldn’t make us seem like we are selfish people. I found myself explaining myself to much and then I lost my cool.

    So to answer your question. NO, you aren’t selfish, you’re human and have grown use to the way things use to be. And that’s okay. We all need a quick breather from each other.

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  27. Since I work part time, I’m in and out of the house all day long. At the beginning of my husband and daughter working from home, my husband decided the best place for him to work was on the kitchen island. Needless to say, that didn’t work well. He’s now set up in the basement. It’s working better now. I don’t know what I would do if we didn’t have the space.

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  28. Too many people in too small a space with too many artificial social and physical restrictions. It seems from comments that you have struck a common chord! We need to open our society back up; the unintended consequences of the Corona virus are becoming worse than the virus for those under 70-75: strained relationships, drugs, depression, suicide, abuse, and loss of income. Bring back normalcy!

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    1. Someone said last month that only 3000 died 9/11. I asked the what about the cancer, ptsd, depression, suicide and addiction issues that followed? The after of events such as this are far greater than the actual event

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  29. I don’t think you are being selfish, people need space and time to themselves. I am about ready to kill my husband. When he worked I had a routine, I walk into town, I had time to read and craft. Now if I want to go into town he wants to come with and that means going in the car, if I try to read he talks, if I try to craft he tuts about the boxes I have down, I am forever tidying as he never wipes up the coffee/sugar he spills. Thing is he as decided he as now retired so there’s no end to it.

    Look out for me on the news ‘Woman kills husband over spilled milk’ 😀
    Thing is my husband likes to have company, I on the other hand prefer my own.

    I don’t think there is an answer so many people are going through the same thing. When/if this ever ends I think there will be a lot more people around who understand themselves better.

    Bright Blessings

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  30. Perhaps it’s truly a space issue, if you cannot go to another level to get away from someone it can get quite maddening. Perhaps that’s why prisoners are kept two or more to a small cell. My wife and I are lucky in that we can both leave our 1 bed apartment to work. BUT, to me it looks like your husband is arrogantly far more selfish than you are being. Hang in there LA

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  31. Oh geez. My household is experiencing this exact same thing too. We used to rarely be home together and now he’s home all the time. And he’s messy and inconsistent and I haven’t had a clutter- free home since March. I’m about to lose my mind. Good luck!

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  32. I see selfishness as those that do and/or say whatever they want without thinking about the others around them or taking their needs into account or feeling like they don’t ever need to take those things into account because they believe that their own wants and needs always take precedence. This is even more true when the people being discounted are close (family, friends, loved ones). Yes, there are a whole lot of gray areas in that, but the basic concept stands. This isn’t to say that other people’s wants and needs take precedent over our own, but they should be considered enough to make someone think things like “Do I need to do this here/now?” For me it is about basic courtesy to others in a way. Sometimes we don’t realize that what we are doing or saying is impacting another, though, and that is where talking and compromise come in. When it comes to my Hubby, I tend to be mouthy and if he is being a sh*t, I straight up tell him that. He is a little less likely to tell me the same when things are reversed, but he will if it bothers him enough. It is rare that we can’t come up with something that works for both of us. I did go though a period where I knew I was being selfish, but I also straight up told him that I just really needed to focus on my needs for a little while and didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to do much beyond that at the time. He understood why because of what was going on at the time and allowed me the space to do that. With anyone else, that would have caused all kinds of problems, but being able to talk about it and work it out so we were both content with the results made it possible. Neither one of is ever the one to always bend, but we can find a balance that works out over time.

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    1. It’s so hard sometimes. I’m trying to pick my battles, but there’s a point where when is that too much….I’m in this grey area that I don’t know how to navigate

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      1. It really isn’t easy at all. My best advice, always, is to talk about it. Being upfront and honest tends to prevent a lot of arguments before they can happen. Not always, but it does seem to help.

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  33. This is such a great topic to discuss because we are all going through the same thing. First of all you have my sympathy for dealing with a cascade of issues. And your complaints are valid from my perspective. Anyway in regards to my own Hubby, we are clashing a lot over what we prioritize as important. Dirty dishes in the sink- important to me. Working Wi-Fi very important to him (meanwhile the dishes are still dirty!) Hopefully things improve and you two can strike a balance without killing each other and he comes come understand your viewpoint.

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    1. Too much togetherness is going to start to breed discontent. When we have more “alone” time it’s easy to blow off certain behaviors. When it’s 24/7, not so much

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  35. Sorry to laugh, but COVID is testing EVERYONE’s patience. I notice many people I interact with from all walks of life acting “on edge” and “irritable.” We have to find a new normal in life, it’s not easy. Hang in there…

    BE FUNNY! Tomorrow before your husband goes for the milk for his coffee. PUT A NOTE ON THE COFFEE… MILK IN QUARANTINE, USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. LOL

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      3. As certain things start to annoy you, start being smart about it. For example, when he is exercising… if you have to go to that room or walk by it — HOLD UP A SIGN on CARDBOARD — WORKMAN (or whatever you want to call yourself) COMING THROUGH….

        Humor works every time and YOU will FEEL victorious. 🙂

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      6. No lie…the other day I get a text from him…where u? I text back laundry. When I came back to the apartment he says you need to tell me when you leave… and I was like I didn’t leave I was in the laundry room…

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  36. The Twilight Zone we’re all dealing with is certainly taking it’s toll on relationships. I’m sure even the most stable ones are being tested to the limits. Entrepreneur does the same thing to me with milk! I don’t buy it anymore and instead use 1/2 and 1/2 because it lasts longer. You voice some things I’ve been dealing with for a few years. We work from home and share an office so, you know……….Unlike your situation, I am able to escape when the irritability gets too much to handle. I saw a funny the other day: “This too shall pass…..it will pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.” 🤣 True.

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  37. Living together in a small shared space is difficult, and it does require everyone to pull together, or it won’t work. I’m not naturally tidy, but I work hard at those areas I know bother Himself. He’s not great at remembering those things that matter to me, but he takes it on the chin when reminded. The important bit is that we see ourselves as a team, each looking after the other as well as they’re able. We can’t always get it right, especially in the current circumstances with the additional stressors, but if either of us lost sight of the other’s contributions and felt we were the only one suffering, I wouldn’t see much of a future. Maybe that’s why I’ve never got married …

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  38. Granted, there’s only one side to the story I’m reading here, so I’m taking that into consideration. But at the same time, it feels like there should be some give and take, but you’re doing all the giving in. That’s the part I feel concerning. Has he even asked what you typically do in the day and how he can make it easier for you to get the things you need done? Do you have space for separate work spheres, like one use the office or bedroom, the other use the kitchen table?

    From the look of it, you just have to cater to what he wants to do and what you need or prefer to do doesn’t hatter. It’s frustrating living this way right now, but is he even trying to make this work out? I mean, he’s been forced to invade your routine, but he’s completely dismantling it instead of trying to work with it. I know some folks that are making it work (with several kids in the house at the same time), they just delineate where and when they need things done. If things change the next day or are up in the air, they let each other know. Not always smooth because technical glitches and kid emergencies, but they give it a shot, not “shove over, I need all this right now because it’s work.”

    Hope it gets better for you and all others in the same situation. Hugs.

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