I am 25% optimist, 25% pessimist and 100% pragmatist.

Those of you who learned math before common core will realize that this doesn’t make sense…those of you with common core – well- good luck with that…

So what do I mean by those odd and unsupported statistics?

When quarantine rolled around, I bought a bunch of pet supplies. 60 pounds of cat litter. 20 pounds of dog and cat dry food. Six cases of the wet food my dog liked. Super large bag of dog treats. Large carton of wee wee pads.

I figured I’d rather have enough supplies to last awhile just in case I had trouble getting things. I didn’t think of this as hoarding- just being pragmatic about things for my pets that might be difficult to substitute.

I assumed my pets were going to live long, full lives.

And the universe said “ha”.

As most of you know, my dog passed away earlier this month. She was fine, and then she wasn’t. Obviously she had been ill and I just hadn’t noticed because she was acting normal- eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, walking and playing…being the amazing loving dog that she was. So big guilt trip for me for not just sensing something was off…

Being pragmatic I optimistically bought all kinds of pet supplies.

Being pragmatic, I sadly donated what was left over.

Being slightly off pragmatic I decided that I had failed my dog on some way.

And so begins the pessimism…

In order to get through life in one piece, you need to assume that tomorrow will happen. You have to be optimistic enough to think that you will wake up tomorrow. And the next. And the next…

But what if that belief gets challenged?

What if you find yourself with dog food and no dog?

I was a mess earlier this month. I picked a fight with my best friend. My level of pessimism ratcheted up to about 3000%…

I began to question what tomorrow would bring. I began to question if there was to be a tomorrow….Pandora and her little box…&^%#&

When you lose hope you lose everything…

What if you don’t think the sun will come our tomorrow? (I mean, Broadway is not going to open till January 2021…)

Who knows? When I figure it out, I’ll write you a list…

Because right now, it looks like the stupidest thing I did this year was to buy a 2020 planner…

So I am taking it one minute at a time. I think about what I’m going to do in the next hour, which is take a shower and get dressed. If I make it past that it will be a walk to Container Store (FYI- container store is nirvana to me…) I will buy a little box to put some of my dogs cherished belongings in, because somewhere in the optimism/pessimism/pragmatism scale is a wee bit of sentimentality…

And then I’ll think about the next hour…

One baby step at a time…

 

62 thoughts on “Pragmatically Speaking”

    1. Thanks. While part of me gets this….part of me doesn’t…it makes me think what other little tell tale things have I missed

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  2. It’s definitely a challenge during this time when you are a planner. I missed out on all the early hoarding of paper products and cleaners but creativity on my part paid off so perhaps my lesson in all of this is that you can only plan a finite amount, then all bets are off and you just have to live with what comes at you.

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    1. It’s funny cause I never hoarded paper products or supplies. I would just hunt for things earlier than normal…like when I opened the package of paper towels I made sure I found a back up right away. I just don’t how many more surprises I can handle being thrown at me…

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      1. I suppose many of us will come away with new insight into our own capabilities and capacity to deal with major upheaval. Some positive and some not so much… I also think it’s important to know what you can and can’t handle and find a way to cope with the can’t handle stuff before it overwhelms you too far, rather that’s turning inward for self reflection or outward for insight and guidance.

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  4. When we lost our dog, I kept questioning what I did and didn’t do. I knew deep down that I was not responsible for her cancer and I did what I could to make her last days comfortable and loved. Under normal circumstances this tests people but what you have experienced in this upside down world we live in tests you in ways you could never foresee. There are days when I am optimistic and others not so much. I had quite a few days of mental exhaustion where I barely got through my days and if I lived alone I probably would have not gotten out of bed. Hang in there.

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    1. Rationally I know this…emotionally not so much. I get up every day. I make my bed. I do things I enjoy. But it’s autopilot. I’ve lost my passion…

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  6. It’s amazing how losing a pet can make us question *everything*, especially when the loss is unexpected. When I was in college my kitten died, and even now, ten years later, I question whether I could have or should have done more. It took me YEARS to get out of my funk after her loss. Just keep swimming, my friend. I’m sorry you are hurting, I will keep you in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you! It rattled me with its suddenness, and it was just one more thing….walking her every day during the quarantine was one of the highlights of my day. We would lap around the park for awhile…it was the whole thing….

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  7. Pet passing guilt is so much worse that ordinary guilt in that you feel you should have KNOWN that something was wrong, even though your pet seemed perfectly normal up until he wasn’t. I too have a story that is too depressing to share, but I take full responsibility for it. Although I would like to share the majority of it with a particular Vet who decided money was more important than facts. I hope you recover the pieces of your heart that are currently broken.

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  9. LA, You are grieving and there is no plan for that. You’re grieving because you lost your loved one. The only thing you do is go through it. There is no right way. I’m so sorry about your dog. Sending love and hugs to you, my friend! Please take extra good care of yourself! 💜 Mona

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  12. My condolences on your dog’s passing. I can understand how it is just one more lousy thing on top of many lousy things. Be kind to yourself and I’m sure you’ll make it to a happier place eventually. Like you said, baby steps.

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  13. 100 percent pragmatist which means you buried your dog well before his burial because you thought one day…I might need to…I remember your story about the vet coming to you despite the looters. Sorry to hear of your loss.

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  15. So sorry about your dog’s passing. We lost our family cat, and I was in such a depressed way. A few weeks back, I took a couple of kittens in. Hadn’t planned on any of this happening, and now here we are.

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  16. Doggies always forgive us even when we find it hard to forgive ourselves. Yours opened your heart to the sadness you probably already had, as we all do in this season of loss. People, security, confidence, sanity…all have been lost and now your pooch. I get it. Sending you a virtual tail wag and nose nuzzle.

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  17. I started responding to this earlier, but poltergeists commandeered my phone or something, because it wouldn’t post.
    Anyway, my first comment is that you can donate the food and any other supplies you have to a shelter, a humane society, or a rescue / foster group. When my beloved Riley died in 2016, a friend who volunteers with a rescue group came over and took all of the usable items. I kept his tag, but I knew I would want new leashes, bowls, etc when I was ready for a new pup. It felt good to know that these items would be put to good use.
    Also, my first dog went from perfectly fine on a Friday to “all his internal systems were failing” on Tuesday. It was hard and unfathomable to me that he shut down so quickly with no warning, but it happens and you cannot blame yourself for not noticing signs that were likely never there. My parents said he probably hid any discomfort because his reason for living was to make me happy. Please believe that was probably what your dog did, too.
    You are more of a planner than I am, but it’s been hard for me to not have the normal rhythms or structure of my day-to-day. If someone had told me on March 12, what the last 3 months would be like, I don’t think I would have believed it.

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    1. I brought her stuff to an animal shelter. I knew another dog could make use of it. I know it’s irrational but I feel like I should have noticed…I know guilt is useless, but there you have it…

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  18. The grieving process is hard and sometimes takes longer than we would like. I hope that your best friend realized that you were hurting when you had your disagreement? And I think that your 2020 planner will still come in handy. Who knows what the next 6 months will bring?

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  19. Hang in there… We just had two Italian relatives die within two weeks. Old age, but still sad they are gone and we didn’t see them one. We are all going through tough times, this quarantine has been hard on emotions. HEY, I did chuckle when you said “Why did I get a 2020 Planner.” So, you can plan the Netflix shows you are watching… there are still things to plan!! Dust it off, time to look at it again. 🙂 ❤

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    1. You know I do mark Netflix in my planner…..I knew two people who passed this week….I’m going to blog about both of them next week because they both tell a certain story…

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  20. Am sorry LA. Take 10 seconds at a time. It is the easiest way to get out of a low. 10 seconds at a time, I saw it in a movie and it has stuck with me ever since. The best thing about this method is that you can count until 10 and then start counting again.. Take care…

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  24. Life is hard enough these days without adding grief into the mix….No wonder you’re feeling so overwhelmed and sad. I do hope you’re able to let go of your guilt feelings over your dog. There was no way in the world you could have known something was wrong. Your dog knew you loved her right up until she drew her last breath, and that’s the greatest gift you could have possibly given her.
    Meanwhile, do take it just one day, or one hour at a time. You will heal, but you can’t rush the process. Especially when so many of the things that would ordinarily give you joy and comfort aren’t possible right now.

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  25. When you have lemons, make lemonade.

    This is probably less useful as a suggestion when you have surplus dog food, but at least you did something positive with it.

    As for feeling guilty, you did all that was possible. What more can you do?

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