New York City enters Phase 2 today.

What does that mean?

Well, in my house the only thing it actually means is that hair salons and barber shops are now open.

My husband is thrilled. He hates when his hair grows long and can’t wait to get it sheared off. He prefers it really short. I admit that my husbands hair is a bit out of control now…but truth be told…I prefer it long to short.

So there’s is a tiny issue here- I like his hair with a little hair, he likes a buzz cut…

What’s more important- me liking his hair, or him liking his hair?

As our married years have accumulated, he has stopped getting his hair cut really close to his scalp. He leaves a little on the top because I like it that way…but he still gets it cut early and often…


My husband likes long hair on women.

I hate myself with long hair.

He has accepted that I am probably going to have a bob cut that vacillates between my chin and my shoulders for the rest of my life. In fact, though my hair has no shape now, my appointment for a haircut isn’t until July 7…

I haven’t made an appointment for my color yet…

Months ago, back when we thought that Corona was served with lime, one of my friends decided that she is going to let her hair go grey. When she stated that I began to think about whether I should take the plunge…

Now that my roots are about 8 thousand inches long, I have considered growing it out. What would my hair look like without color? Will it be more grey than brown? (I would take grey in the over/under btw…)

So I told my family my plans to be au natural…

It was not met with enthusiasm…

It was met with boos and hisses…

“I don’t cut my hair as short as I like to because you don’t like it that way…” my Husband plainly stated…

“So I think you should color your hair…” he added, after taking a dart out of his back… “I am not going to like you with grey hair.”


he said it…

But really…

I said it first…

So while my hair belongs to me….and his hair belongs to him…

Do we have the right to tell our partners how to wear their hair?

If we think they look more attractive a certain way, how much should they take our opinions into consideration?

Should we just be attracted to someone because they are our partner?

Whose hair is it anyway?

89 thoughts on “Whose Hair is it Anyway

  1. A little bit of both, I think. I never hesitate to tell my husband when he’s wearing an outfit I don’t like or doesn’t flatter him. I think that’s part of our job as spouses. Of course, I’m sure many will disagree with me, but that’s what makes the world go round.

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    1. I never comment on my husband at all except when he gets his hair cut too short. It’s my one “thing”…even when he went through his quasi members only jacket stage a few years ago….but there’s also a difference between unflattering and not liking it. I’m just not sure how it works out

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  2. I like my husbands hair longer too and was so disappointed when he cut it short again after 3 months. It’s just easier to take care of he says. I gave up coloring mine 10 years ago, but I am a lucky blonde by nature. The grays just blend in and look like highlights. Try it for a while, you can always go back. One plus you might tell your hubby is think of all the money you will save!! Mine came in as over $400 a year😊

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  3. I usually don’t weigh in on my husband’s hair(he has very little), but there are times when I will comment on an outfit or two. He likes my hair no matter what. I told him that while I was still going to color my hair I was not going to cut it as short and he had little or no comment. I do think if asked for a comment then a spouse or partner can weigh in, but unsolicited ones are not good.

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      1. I have my opinions on my husbands clothes, for instance and while most of them are okay he does have a few that are cringe worthy. I have told him a few times about a particular pair of pants, but he likes them and until he has something just like them to replace them they stay(ugh).

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      2. I never tell my husband anything about his clothes. I let him wear whatever he wants. I will sometimes tell him he needs to wear something “nicer” because sneakers and a t shirt won’t cut it, but that’s about it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I would never tell my wife how to wear her hair. The one area where we disagreed was on facial hair. I think I look better with a beard. My wife did not like it. I would grow one for a couple of winter months and then shave. She eventually decided it was OK and I’ve mainly had one full time since.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure what the balance it of what you can and can’t say to your partner about appearances…we can prefer things, but does our partner need to listen? It’s a slippery slope…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I think this is a really good question, and one that young couples should think about. Also, even though you said it first I think your husband shouldn’t have been so … directly unfavorable about it. I bet it really hurt to hear. In the end it *is* your hair, and how you feel about it is more important than your husband feels about it. In my opinion, obviously. (Also, you don’t want to be the 75 year old woman still dying her hair black because she can’t bring herself to let it grow out, just saying.)

    Why do we as a culture hate grey hair anyway? I think grey hair is beautiful. It makes you look wise and experienced, it looks respectful. I’ve never understood this determination, among women especially, to avoid grey hair. But that’s a whole other discussion.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah…I thought about going into the whole why is grey bad thing but figured that’s another blog for another day….and you hit on an important point…my hair isn’t fully grown out so it’s impossible to ascertain how it looks….I might not like it when it grows out so then the whole thing is a moot point

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  6. So envious your hairdressers have re-opened! Not yet in UK. Several bad root jobs later… I cut my son’s once, now he won’t let me near it again! Given he’s just turned 18… That’s that!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. In our relationship, we have decided to give each other space to do whatever they want, no strings attached. My wife’s genetics are such that she was already getting lots of grey even in her early 30’s I love her grey hair. She’s also given me 100% freedom to do the same. ( I am bald as a billiard ball on the top, and hate the “comb-over ” look. 🙂 This conversation is part of a larger topic of self image, how comfortable we are in our own skin, dealing with the process of aging, unconditional love, etc. It’s also a boundary issue. I vote for 100% freedom for the owner getting to chose. Doesn’t mean our preferences might not change. Keep us posted! DM

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    1. I think we have to be comfortable with who we are, and if we’re not we will end up being bad partners. Looks change….we should accept how our partners looks change as we age. But I get it’s hard….I don’t like facial hair so I don’t know how thrilled I’d be if he grew a beard….but can I tell him not to? Slippery slope

      Liked by 1 person

  8. We have this too. He finally talked me out of bangs and having more of a side swoop since my bangs had grown out over the last several months. He loves it but for me it is an adjustment since I have had bangs all my life. I like his hair so no problems there, but he did grow his beard back for me so I guess I can live without bangs!!! Give and take I guess!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Great post! We’re in an area where the barbers and hairdressers are still closed! Both me and my spouse have really long hair right now. I like his curly licks and he’s complimented the length of my hair many times. So maybe we keep things a little longer than normal? But I agree with DM above who says it’s more about how we feel in our own skin as we age. We’ve been married for 36 years and I have to say it just keeps getting better and better. C

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aging is difficult under the best of circumstances. I know I’ve had difficulty adjusting to the “new normal” of my body and face. So we do need to help out partners adjust to their new looks….and realities of aging

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I think we should each be able to give our opinions. However, there’s a big difference between liking A PERSON better with their hair a certain way and just liking THEIR HAIR better a certain way!!! If a haircut/color can make us feel differently about someone, then the relationship appears to be flawed.

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  11. Very interesting post. I have straight fine hair. It is really hard to make it look good past a certain length. And with summer comes humidity. I used to spend a lot of time on my hair when I was younger, time I just don’t have now. There is only so much heat and processing my old hair can take.

    There are many men who express a preference for longer hair, but have no idea how much work it takes to make it presentable.

    My husband and son have not had haircuts since the pandemic began. I think they both look better with shorter hair. But I haven’t ever expressed my opinion about how my husband’s hair should look in the same way he has mine. Now that my son is 18 and working he has to pay for his own haircuts….I honestly think his cheapness is getting in the way of him getting a haircut in a way it did not when I was paying.

    As for whether grey is bad or not…it seems like women feel more pressured to color their hair. I don’t have very much grey but the amount I have is very noticeable….mostly in the front where I part my hair. I color my hair. I have a coworker in her early thirties who has a lot of grey and has given up on coloring her hair—she is done with the hassle and the expense for now. Why should the expectation be there of just women having to deal with the hassle and expense but not men?

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I am interested in what my wife says about my haircut, her opinion counts to me a great deal but it’s my head so I have final choice. In truth I don’t think she cares much, I grow a moustache or a goatee she says nothing unless it scratches her and when it is shaved off she might not notice for weeks! It’s just not on her mind, but if a neighbour paints their front door a different colour – that she notices right away! That’s just her. lol
    BTW – I would like my wife’s hair short but it has been long our long marriage, it’s her hair!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Well, I always let Sunshine do what he wanted with his hair, both facial and cranial), because he let me do what I wanted with mine. He did ask me not to dye it blue, but other than that he kept his mouth shut.
    There is the “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” idea, and there is some validity in that. If we don’t like a certain color on our partner, or vice versa, I think it’s fair to ask that our partner avoid wearing that color. I think it’s fair to express preferences, absolutely. If my partner hated me in pink, I would take that into consideration when getting dressed (although if my partner wanted me in yellow I would be like “no, just no”). Its a fine line, and I would say that if you grow out your grey then it’s fair for him to get his buzz cut. If you dye it, he needs to grow his longer like you like.
    Or meet in the middle: you do a color job that covers some grey but leaves some for highlights, he does a middle ground with his hair. Of course, nobody is truly happy then, so there’s that…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I want to test out the salt and pepper. Then when I see what it’s like, I’ll make a decision. I’m not living me as a blonde, dying it to my natural brown is a nightmare. I want to see what it looks like and then make a call…

      Liked by 2 people

  14. For the most part, my Hubby and I really don’t care one way or the other about how we each do things, though I think we both have lines that we respect for each other and don’t cross.

    I joke that if my Hubby were to ever shave off his goatee I would either be contacting a divorce lawyer or he would be staying at his dad’s until it grew back out. I would never actually go to that extreme, but he understands that this is one of my sticking points. He does do all kinds of things to the style and how he shaves it and whether or not he also wants any kind of a beard, but the goatee stays. He also agrees with me that he prefers how he looks with it, so it isn’t an issue. The same goes for him ever dying what hair he has. Each year there is less of it and what is there is more gray, but I honestly love it.

    He has seen me with my hair in all kinds of different ways. Pretty much every length possible without me going bald and in a decent handful of colors. Some haven’t been his favorite by any means. His lines are that I don’t actually shave it all off or go blond. I think my rules for his goatee would apply to me if I were to do either of those things.

    That said, there are very few things that either of us really don’t like, so there is always going to be a place where we can compromise and find something that makes both of us happy. If I felt like he really hated the goatee, I wouldn’t actually flip out over him shaving it. A person’s hair is so often tied to their self image that forcing someone you care about to fix it in a way that they hate it or makes them feel bad about how they look isn’t something I’d ever want for someone I care about. For me it is only a preference. I’d rather the person be happy and feel good about their hair.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Complex issue. Armchair psychologizing here, but when I read that your spouse said he was “not going to like you with grey hair,” I immediately thought that his remark is not about you or your hair color, but perhaps his own wrestling with getting older. “Wait, my wife can’t have grey hair. That means I’m getting older, too! I’m still a young guy!” That’s probably what he doesn’t like.

    I am not venturing out to get my hair done yet, even though salons in some counties here reopened on June 1. The young woman who does my hair sent me a message asking if I wanted to make an appointment. “No thank you,” I replied. “I’m going to wait until we see no more spike in cases.”

    This may mean that I’ll continue to look like a harridan for quite some time, but I’d rather be unkempt than ill.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it is a lot about just getting older in general. No one likes aging…but as I always say…it’s better than the alternative! He has greys that look more grey when his hair is longer, so there’s probably some truth to his reflecting his own issues into me…


  16. I like that you’re honest about what you like for each other.
    It’s nice to feel like your SO likes the way you look. It’s nicer for you to like the way you look.
    I feel like suggestions and opinions can matter, but at the end of the day body autonomy has to win out.

    I saw Amber (she does my hair) Thursday last. We discussed embracing the white hairs growing among the red. Fortunately for me they blend like highlights. But the red itself is fading. That’s what gets me, not the white hairs, the sad lifeless red hairs. So we decided to do a bit of root color, pull it through at the rinse to liven up the red, and voilà!

    Isn’t it nice to be ‘worrying’ about your hair after what we’ve lived through these past months?
    xoxo ❤

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  17. 😀 Always addressing the big issues!!

    My neighbor just got hers cut really short. She said her husband insinuated that she looked like a lesbian -yeah, no political correctness there! 😀 She’s also letting hers go gray.

    My husband is growing out his beard and hair as long as he can because he’ll “never have a chance to do so again.” I hate it. There, I said it.

    I think it’s fine to let a spouse try something out. I also think some tact might be nice in expressing what is, after all, an opinion. 😉

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  18. We both suit the other. He shaves his beard, but not the goatee, for me. I dye my hair, for both of us,lol. I am not a fan of gray hair on young middle aged women, but obviously that’s just my personal preference. I know it’s a trend to not dye. I just don’t like it because I’m kindof weird that when I see someone I notice their overall look first, then the details. If I see gray hair, to me that means an older woman even if I then look closer and see that her face is young. Part of that is that I’m half blind so I have to really focus to get a good look. Lol. I need glasses.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If both partners can come to an agreement about stuff it’s fine. I’ve been highlighting/coloring my hair for a long time and I’m tired if it, so for me it’s more about taking a break. But I get everyone’s own personal reasoning. It’s tough

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  19. Great topic. I know my husband likes long hair on women but mine is SO fine and thin that when it was long, I always had it up in a clip. I recently got it cut very short and he said he liked it a couple of times so I think he meant it. He has very little hair left on the top of his head but still has it on the back and sides. He has said he should just shave it all off but I really don’t like the bald look on him (he did it once before), just as I don’t like a completely shaved face. While a long beard is not my thing, I do think he looks better with a mustache and I’ve told him that. In the end it is really up to us to decide what to do with our hair but let’s be honest, certain styles don’t look good on everyone and, unless you spend all your time looking in a mirror, it IS the other person who sees it the most.

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  20. To be or not to be…on a lighter scale. I remember writer of words writing about dying her hair professionally. The other day I found out that if I emulated the picture held in my eager hands it would cost me $150 to do the first time and $75 every 3 months and that would not include the hair cuts so I figured out my hair coloring with tips, hair cutting, styling, tips and treatment in between might cost me !$1500 a year. Whew. I guess the question is Am I worth it? I can think of many way to spend that money.

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  21. Hey LA! Glad you’re back! I want to be attractive to my husband and I want him to be attractive to me. God knows, we have so much other stuff to deal with, we don’t need that to become an issue! I’ve never known him without a beard and he said something about going beardless for awhile. WHAT???!!!!! I’ve thought about cutting my hair and he has asked me not to. So there you are. He’s keeping his beard and I’m keeping my hair. However, each couple has their own way of communicating and priorities. I know people who like to change their hair color and cut all the time. Apparently, it keeps things interesting in the romance department? So, I think when you marry, you take each other into consideration. Something about the two become one flesh…or whatever. If he doesn’t care, do what you want. If he has a preference, take it into consideration if that’s how y’all roll. But do whatever your wisdom tells you is best. Hope this helps. Mona

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  22. That’s a tricky one!! It is your hair, but on the other hand, your husband’s preferences matter too. Maybe a compromise? But if you can’t come to some sort of agreement, then my call would be that you wear you hair the way you want to (color and cut) and he wears his hair the way he wants to…..

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  23. Just this evening walking down West End Avenue (which has been blocked off to encourage social distancing) I noticed quite a few of the usual people that I now see (and never ever saw before) with seemingly ACTUAL HAIRDOS. Phase 2!! As for me, I ordered expensive German hair scissors six weeks ago and cut my “between my chin and my shoulders bob” after going to YouTube University for a few hours. RESULTS: good enough that I am absolutely not panicked about going to the hair salon. But can we talk about my nails, please??? And the hubby, wow does he need a trim. And he won’t let me come near him with my fancy scissors!

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  24. I have been seriously thinking of gong gray myself. So tired of shelling out $$ but mostly the products used to keep my current color. I may give it a try. I can always go back to color if I don’t like it. I do have thinning hair so I am a bit reluctant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My hair is naturally thin so I get it. But I just don’t like myself as blonde, and keeping up my natural brown is hard….


  25. I have no opinion, I’m just happy our salons are open now and I was able to get an appointment for cut and color for this Friday! My brown mixed with gray is not a good look, if it was more gray and I was older then maybe? You could try letting it all grow out, and if you don’t like it, then color it again? My friend let her hair go gray at 70 and while it’s a nice shade of gray, frankly she now looks old.

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  26. First I lost hair, then it turned white and more fell out. My beard is white too, but it is still there. I look like a man who talks to pigeons in the park and sleeps out at night. When I trim is all – or even shave the head, it looks a lot neater. Julia lets me get on with it. She has, as I have said before, low standards in men.

    Meanwhile, she is going grey. She looks, as I tell her, like a badger. She has knitted a hair band to keep it all in place. It’s her hair, she can do what she likes with it.

    I looked at some photos of her as she was when we first met (it was 40 years ago, though she spent ten of them rejecting me). In my mind’s eye she hasn’t changed.

    She has an appointment booked at the salon, but it is some way off yet. I cut my own. It’s only hair.

    I’m rambling. I’ve been inside too long.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Years ago I complained to my stylist that my husband wanted me wear my hair longer. She asked how my husband wore his hair. I replied, bald. We both laughed, the man with no hair making hair suggestions.


  28. Matrimony aside, I was fully intending to keep my grey that had grown out during the quarantine. But when I saw the reality of it, I changed my mind. I had my hair done yesterday and she blended the grey in a bit so that I can choose later. As for the matrimony, there’s compromise and then there’s that balance of it’s your/his hair. I’m interested in reading about the end result…

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