Death touched me in many ways last week- not closely, but sometimes particular deaths hit you harder. None of these deaths were corona related: all were deaths that probably would have happened regardless of the peculiarities of this year. The death I’m going to speak of today has a different sort of point…it just may take awhile for me to get there…

Back in middle school I had a good friend S. (- you will see that for some bizarre reason, I have an abundant amount of S, J and M named friends and acquaintances)

but anyway

So, S was one of my really good middle school friends. At some point in sixth or seventh grade she began dating this guy J. They would continue to date through high school. They broke up when she left for college and he went to the navy.

I hadn’t seen S in about twenty five years when I ran into her at my daughter’s gymnastics lesson. At the time she was a Nanny for a boy attending a make up class. She was on her second marriage at that point ( so was I so I’m not judging just stating fact) and she seemed as happy as anyone else.

After playing catch up, she looked at me and said- “Wonder whatever ever happened to J?”. She sort of had a wistful look at her face and we came up with some scenarios…

About a year or so later, I joined Facebook. When I started to connect with middle school friends, guess who sent me a friend request? J. The very same J that S had been thinking about.

We caught up. He was married. Had a job he really liked. Fixed up cars on the weekends… Guess what one of the first things he said to me was?

“I wonder how S is doing?”

I then regaled him with the story of how I had run into her, blah, blah, blah. He asked if I had a way to contact her. (she hadn’t, and still has not joined the social media revolution)

He seemed really bummed when I told him I didn’t have her email…

A few years ago J had a stroke. He made a solid recovery but wasn’t able to go back to being an EMT.

Last week he suffered a fatal stroke.

The first thing I did when I heard was facebook message the sister of S- I figured that S would want to know…

I don’t know what my point is. Take care of yourself because life is too short?  Just have a great time because life is too short? Tell the people that you love that you love them because life is too short? Don’t tell them because life is too short and you don’t want to ruin what you have?

I don’t know.

Life has thrown way too many curve balls lately.

I’ll leave you with my new code of conduct:

1. Don’t be afraid to love and be loved
2. Spend some time prepping for the future, but live your life in the present- no one knows what their timeline is.
3. A clean house is the sign of a misspent life

I used to have a neighbor, S. She lived in my building and used to have a cute little terrier. She was a retired teacher, drove a beautiful BMW and used to travel all over the place. As a lifelong singleton, she became friends with another neighbor she had a best friend in the building. If you saw one of them, you saw the other. S was intelligent with a sharp wit and zest for life.

About two years ago, her friend retired and moved to Phoenix. Not long after that, her dog died. Then she got hit by a car. Now, this wasn’t a bad accident as far as accidents go: the car somehow took a turn too tight and grazed her thigh. S did not require a hospital stay, but still, women in her late sixties…it was a lot of stuff in a short period of time.

Her health did seem to get worse after the car accident. All of a sudden other ailments started to pop up. After never having health issues her entire life, she now seemed to face colds and aches and such weekly.

She decided that now would be a great time to move to Florida. Her best friend was gone. Her dog was done. She really had no family in the area. Plus, it’s cold in New York half of the year.

Just as she was getting ready to list her apartment on the market, she developed pneumonia. It was a bad case: she was hospitalized and later had to move in to a rehab facility.

After a few months she returned to our building, this time with a walker. It was shocking to be to see how quickly her health had deteriorated. She had been robust and now she wasn’t.

Again she set to the task of actually selling her place and moving to Florida. Which she did. About six months ago, she flew down.

She rented a place until she found something she liked. One of my neighbors was in touch with her and she was not loving Florida so much. Her two friends in the area (the reason why she had chosen this town) both died within her first few months there.

She was alone, in a city she didn’t know, not in great condition, trying to start over.

She did find an apartment to buy, but then Corona came calling. She wasn’t able to close on her new apartment and move.

Finally, two weeks ago she closed!

Three days later she had a heart attack and passed.

I mourn her because she was such a nice person, warm hearted and funny and smart and I will remember her fondly. She loved my dog and I’d like to think that they’re somewhere playing.

Enjoy today. You really don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Let’s see…

I’m grateful that June is almost over…I was talking to a friend yesterday and we decided that July 1 is New Year’s- and everything starts again…

I am grateful that we are in Phase 2- I’m beginning to feel alive again…

And to everyone in cities that are experiencing surges- just be careful. Wear a seat belt. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t text while crossing a street. Don’t drink something that has been sitting on a bar top. Don’t have unprotected sex.

Be careful.

It’s time to play Friday Favorites!

Here are the rules:

1. Read my answers and comment on how thoroughly charming I am
2. comment on how silly I am (or whatever word you can best describe what my thoughts are)
3. Tell me that your answer is exactly the same and we are soul blog buddies
4. Copy and paste into your own blog so I can tell you how charming you are
5. Pop your answers into the comment section below-

Best part: everybody wins!

1. Favorite kind of vacation: where I go somewhere I have never been
2. Favorite Flower: tulips- pink if you’re sending me some
3. Favorite Football Team: NY Giants
4. Favorite Children’s Show: hmmm…I used to love Romper Room- I’m just slightly too old to be a true part of the Sesame Street generation
5. Favorite Perfume/cologne: Jo Malone English Pear and Fresia (though I wouldn’t turn down the wood sage and sea salt or velvet rose and oud- I layer…)
6. Favorite Day of the Week: Sunday
7. Favorite Flavor Starburst: whatever flavor the pink one is
8. Favorite Cartoon Cat: Duchess from Aristocats (she was elegant and charming and sophisticated and she dated Thomas O’Malley- O’Malley the Alley Cat- who wouldn’t want to be like her…)
9. Favorite Music Genre– rock-
10. Favorite Car– I don’t drive on a normal basis. So taxi is probably the truest answer. But I’ve always wanted a little sporty convertible-driven by Thomas O’Malley…

I don’t like to shop.

I am trying  to get rid of things as opposed to bringing things into my house…

yet…

Quarantine was a time where I actually found myself looking at shopping lists on buzzfeed. Basically, they do posts where they list things that you must buy…

Normally, I don’t even click open these things…

Now I find I subscribe to a newsletter that specifically highlights mainly extraneous objects that I do not really need, nor actually want…

I found myself blindly putting things in my Amazon cart because who doesn’t need a roller that massages your hands if you have carpal tunnel…

Luckily, there’s a rule in place where Amazon makes you keep things in your cart for 24 hours before you can click purchase…. (no they don’t- but it would be a great idea- no?)

But…I admit I give myself a grace period to see if I really WANT/NEED an item before I buy it…I currently have 87 items in my shopping cart save section…

So what is it about SWQ (shopping while quarantined)?

In reality I made very few extraneous purchases during quarantine. The rice cooker was a huge plus in the win column. I picked up a deck of mindfulness cards at Target and they have actually helped my mindset. (I know- I’ve gone stir crazy- so can you imagine me if I hadn’t found those cards? E books- I’ve bought my quota for the next two years- no lie. But again- they saved me from bouncing off the walls. (this is another omg where would she be without reading moments…) I subscribed to a self care subscription box, but I’ll save the story of that for another day. Don’t want to have too much fun…

And now…

Stores have reopened in NYC for in house shopping.

I normally don’t go to stores unless I actually need something…I use a clothing subscription box so I don’t have to pick out my own clothes…

But Monday found me wandering the aisles of Barnes and Noble for an hour…just because I could. I called it a museum of books where there was no entry fee but tons of enticement to buy things that you saw… I bought a new book light because one of the tragedies of pandemic was when my daughter broke my booklight…

Because I had to spread out the fun, I went to Michael’s on Tuesday. Embroidery needles were the purchase du jour, because at some point I lost my best needle in the depths of the sofa cushions. Also stickers for my planner because really I hate looking at all the blank spaces…

Wednesday was Container Store. This shop really is my happy place. I see all those ways of storing things neatly and in pretty patterns…it’s my pinterest board come to life…Nothing inspires me more than looking at how things could be organized better. I went with the intention of finding a box to hold my dogs harness and favorite toy and favorite pink fluffy coat. I got to the register and realized I’d forgotten my wallet…

Talk about quarantine brain…remembered the mask but forgot the cash…

So today I will venture back across town to the museum of boxes and make my purchase…

And if I really want to liven the day…I may pick up mascara…(PSA- if you normally wear mascara but haven’t during the past three months…throw it out and buy a new one- mascara goes bad and can cause eye issues- don’t need that on top of your mask)

Shopping is supposed to raise your endorphins. I seriously doubted it, but now I totally get it. When you’re feeling blue, buy something new…

So I’m browsing the stores, but I’m containing my puchases to things that I really want…but just getting out of the house with a clear destination that doesn’t involve looking for toilet paper or frozen veggies is a huge plus…

I’ve been about a thousand times happier this week.

So I will say it right now- shopping may get me through this…

I am 25% optimist, 25% pessimist and 100% pragmatist.

Those of you who learned math before common core will realize that this doesn’t make sense…those of you with common core – well- good luck with that…

So what do I mean by those odd and unsupported statistics?

When quarantine rolled around, I bought a bunch of pet supplies. 60 pounds of cat litter. 20 pounds of dog and cat dry food. Six cases of the wet food my dog liked. Super large bag of dog treats. Large carton of wee wee pads.

I figured I’d rather have enough supplies to last awhile just in case I had trouble getting things. I didn’t think of this as hoarding- just being pragmatic about things for my pets that might be difficult to substitute.

I assumed my pets were going to live long, full lives.

And the universe said “ha”.

As most of you know, my dog passed away earlier this month. She was fine, and then she wasn’t. Obviously she had been ill and I just hadn’t noticed because she was acting normal- eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, walking and playing…being the amazing loving dog that she was. So big guilt trip for me for not just sensing something was off…

Being pragmatic I optimistically bought all kinds of pet supplies.

Being pragmatic, I sadly donated what was left over.

Being slightly off pragmatic I decided that I had failed my dog on some way.

And so begins the pessimism…

In order to get through life in one piece, you need to assume that tomorrow will happen. You have to be optimistic enough to think that you will wake up tomorrow. And the next. And the next…

But what if that belief gets challenged?

What if you find yourself with dog food and no dog?

I was a mess earlier this month. I picked a fight with my best friend. My level of pessimism ratcheted up to about 3000%…

I began to question what tomorrow would bring. I began to question if there was to be a tomorrow….Pandora and her little box…&^%#&

When you lose hope you lose everything…

What if you don’t think the sun will come our tomorrow? (I mean, Broadway is not going to open till January 2021…)

Who knows? When I figure it out, I’ll write you a list…

Because right now, it looks like the stupidest thing I did this year was to buy a 2020 planner…

So I am taking it one minute at a time. I think about what I’m going to do in the next hour, which is take a shower and get dressed. If I make it past that it will be a walk to Container Store (FYI- container store is nirvana to me…) I will buy a little box to put some of my dogs cherished belongings in, because somewhere in the optimism/pessimism/pragmatism scale is a wee bit of sentimentality…

And then I’ll think about the next hour…

One baby step at a time…

I don’t have to get on a scale to know that I have gained weight during the past few months…

I feel blah…and if you feel blah about your body image it’s hard to get past anything else…

So I decided to do a cleanse of sorts. Not juice- I know green drinks are all the raise but unless it’s a shamrock shake I’m out… But I am eating many of the foods that routinely go into said smoothies… (on a side note- when I think smoothie I think strawberry and yummy- not beets…)

Apples. Cucumbers. Spinach. Kale. Celery. Parsley. Carrots. Beets. Lemon. Ginger. Tomatoes….

I like all of these foods. These are normally things that make it into my shopping basket and I happily walk home with in my disposable bag…

And these things do make you full. I prepped all my food for yesterday into slices so I could just eat some when I was hungry, and I didn’t even eat all the food that was supposed to be for one day.

So hunger wasn’t an issue yesterday.

I didn’t wake up hungry.

But I didn’t feel satisfied yesterday…

You know what it’s like when you’re eating but don’t get to the satisfied point, right?

But anyway…

See- I really like food. I love the mingling of tastes on my tongue. I love trying new spices and herbs- testing different levels of flavor combinations. I really enjoy cooking- looking at a recipe and deviating from it makes me happy- (note- I am normally a follow the rules sort of person except in the kitchen- in the kitchen it’s pandemonium…)

So reducing my calorie intake….

bleh…

So how to I reconcile my ever expanding waistline with my love of food?

I don’t know- I’m still trying to figure it out…

I know we’re supposed to be happy in our bodies, but what if we’re not?

Does anyone ever feel good about being too thin, or too thick, too tall or too short? Too busty or too flat chested? Curly hair or straight? Grey hair or whatever?

How many people are truly happy with the reflection that they see in the mirror?

I know all the buzzwords we are supposed to tell our kids- focus on being healthy- focus on the way your body does what you need it to do…

But do all these positive messages actually mean anything, or are we just trying to convince ourselves that what we are is enough?

Well…

I’ve got to go have my apple now…and then I have to buy carrots and beets because they are supposed to flush out my colon or my kidneys or some other organ…

But all I’m looking forward is Thursday when I can put a little EVOO and  vinager on my veggies…

New York City enters Phase 2 today.

What does that mean?

Well, in my house the only thing it actually means is that hair salons and barber shops are now open.

My husband is thrilled. He hates when his hair grows long and can’t wait to get it sheared off. He prefers it really short. I admit that my husbands hair is a bit out of control now…but truth be told…I prefer it long to short.

So there’s is a tiny issue here- I like his hair with a little hair, he likes a buzz cut…

What’s more important- me liking his hair, or him liking his hair?

As our married years have accumulated, he has stopped getting his hair cut really close to his scalp. He leaves a little on the top because I like it that way…but he still gets it cut early and often…

Fine…

My husband likes long hair on women.

I hate myself with long hair.

He has accepted that I am probably going to have a bob cut that vacillates between my chin and my shoulders for the rest of my life. In fact, though my hair has no shape now, my appointment for a haircut isn’t until July 7…

I haven’t made an appointment for my color yet…

Months ago, back when we thought that Corona was served with lime, one of my friends decided that she is going to let her hair go grey. When she stated that I began to think about whether I should take the plunge…

Now that my roots are about 8 thousand inches long, I have considered growing it out. What would my hair look like without color? Will it be more grey than brown? (I would take grey in the over/under btw…)

So I told my family my plans to be au natural…

It was not met with enthusiasm…

It was met with boos and hisses…

“I don’t cut my hair as short as I like to because you don’t like it that way…” my Husband plainly stated…

“So I think you should color your hair…” he added, after taking a dart out of his back… “I am not going to like you with grey hair.”

There….

he said it…

But really…

I said it first…

So while my hair belongs to me….and his hair belongs to him…

Do we have the right to tell our partners how to wear their hair?

If we think they look more attractive a certain way, how much should they take our opinions into consideration?

Should we just be attracted to someone because they are our partner?

Whose hair is it anyway?

There’s been a lot of talk of defunding the police…

Much of it has come from celebrities who have state of the art security systems, panic rooms, gated entries, private security and body guards, and send their children to private school….

But I digress…

So defund the police…

I’m a little slow to think this morning…

Let me warm up with something I rarely talk about…

2001 was set up to be a banner year. I had a great job. I was getting married. I was able to go to Bora Bora which had been a lifelong dream, and I was pregnant with my first child.

And then there was that day in September.

Changed my whole outlook on life.

I remember actual fear as I walked home that day- scared of which way to walk because I had absolutely no idea what was to happen next.

The vision of a man covered in rubble will be seared into my brain forever…

This day changed everything for me

Flash forward…2020…

I have not had a good nights sleep since 9/10/2001…

I tell my daughter that I love her every time she leaves…every time…because I fear that I might not ever see her again…or that she might not ever see me again…that an act of terror will take one of our lives…

My husband normally works on the 59th floor of a building in lower Manhattan…I fear every day that a plane will fly into that building…

There was a garbage can bomb explosion on a street in Manhattan- directly down the block from where I live…so close to me that I actually sent out an email blast to everyone I knew…

This is my own particular experience. My own particular form of PTSD. It is what I can authentically write about because it is my thoughts and fears. I don’t expect anyone to understand this. I don’t expect anyone to empathize. I totally get that there are people who will think I’m crazy.

And when I think about that day, my experiences, my fear, I can’t help but think about law enforcement officers…

They ran towards those buildings that day..

They didn’t care who was in there- what color, what creed, what religion, what gender…

They ran in..

some lost their lives…

State police came down. Left their families for long stretches of time.

To try to keep order in a place that was devastated.

To try to protect us.

And flash forward…

If I have PTSD, what do those officers have? How bad are their nightmares? They were there…

That’s not to forget about how many police officers have died from cancer directly related to exposure…

And the ones that fear the day that they get their diagnosis…

But I’m betting most of them would do it again. They took a job that put them in risk. Every day.

Because they just want to do good…protect and serve…

I will always think of them as New York’s finest…

So…

let’s go back to that talk about defunding the police…

But who are we kidding?

I think that’s the most ridiculous idea that I’ve heard in a long time.

If you want to have a discussion about what can be done better…I’m in.

But if defunding is the “goal”- then I’m out