Last week I read a blog post. The writer commented about how her children were missing their graduation ceremonies and it was a different experience, blah blah blah…

I commented that I was sad for all the kids who didn’t get to experience these moments of their lives.

She responded by saying that she wasn’t sad that these things were missed because they were strong and those things didn’t matter and they were just fine as they were.

To be fair, this may not have been exactly what she said, but this is how I read it- this is my interpretation of the response…(but really, when we read something personal, don’t we make our own interpretations of the words in front of us? It’s not like I’m going to memorize it and get tested on it a week later- but wait…maybe there is an essay question in this…)

But anyway…after I read this response these were my thoughts in the order that I thought them:

  1. condescending much?
  2. what a ^%$#%
  3. Isn’t empathy a thing anymore?
  4. Is everyone else taking this situation much better than I am?
  5. Why can’t I be sad that kids missed out on things they were looking forward to their entire lives without thinking – well, gee, they could be dead and they should be thankful for that..
  6. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

so…..

for today…

I want you to think about how you really feel about the situation.

You.

Not what your friend thinks.

Not what the media tells you to think.

Not what you’re “supposed” to think.

What do YOU think

While I agree that we should try to remain optimistic, if you are not feeling it, it is better to be honest with yourself. It’s only self awareness that will get you through this  mentally intact.

The greatest danger we now face is mental not physical…

Are you being accepting of your own thoughts and feelings?

Are you accepting of the thoughts and feelings of others?

Obviously, there’s no grade on this assignment so you don’t have to do anything…

But…

not thinking about this is just as telling as thinking about it…

 

71 thoughts on “Dez- Reflection”

  1. I try but I’m not too optimistic these days. I’m mad. Not at anyone or anything in particular, just mad. Yes it will get better…yes we doing well…yes it could be worse. I try to embrace all the cliches but…I’m still mad.

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  2. I have two different trains of thought..first,I remember being really vulnerable to someone while I was in the midst of struggling, and they slapped some condescending response on me, I vowed never to be that open and vulnerable with that person ever again. They just didn’t hear me. She wasn’t trying to be malicious, just wasn’t tuned into where I was. It did tick me off…you learn who you can and can not trust…so there’s that.

    Now regarding your question here..how am I really doing? I’m going to take a risk and tell you the honest truth. I am doing very well. I feel like I”m living in a bubble of grace. Where people around me are laid off, my work calendar keeps filling up (I’m a self employed carpenter). Just before plopping in front of the computer just now, I was having coffee w/ my significant other, listing all of the things I feel thankful for..and there is a butt load of new things just within the past few days….I would probably not tell anyone just how I really feel, except that you asked…I was working @ a home yesterday putting up one of those retractable awnings…they had the news on..and the whole time I was there (at least 2 or 3 hours) it was nothing but virus/ lock down/ governor’s new conference stuff, all related to this stuff. I thought to myself, no wonder people are stressed..a steady diet of that information would drive me bonkers. (it reminded me of the 24/7 coverage after 9/11) Same thing..information overload. I do think of you and your family quite regularly , being cooped up…that is a hard place to be…take care LA, DM

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    1. Thank you! I appreciate your honesty. Everyone is having their own experiences right now, and we’re supposed to accept them and get in with it normally if that’s possible….FYI…in two years I’m going to need some carpentry work done….

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      3. You strike me as a can do/ handy person. I could mentor your via the internet! Depending on the type of flooring, you’d be surprised @ how easy it would be. plus you could save lots of $!

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      4. Problem is I live in a Co op. Only licensed, insured people are allowed to do major work. DIY is not an option. And I literally own no tools other than the basics.

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      2. Or not posting someone’s thoughts. My husband thought this was so funny. Men are different, he said, “Who cares!”
        I guess, I am like you and will learn to let go. I began to analyze it and my husband was like, “I don’t want to hear anything more.”
        I was like, “But a man can be sarcastic on the blog and I can’t get away with it.” At this point, I said and I need a vacation soon as there is so much bigger stuff to worry about. Thanks for listening. Time to get back on the phones.

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      6. My husband has cancer and everyday I am reminded I am lucky it was discovered early, it is being successfully treated and I move forward. I try not to let my anxiety show to anyone .

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      8. I have to be but I am certainly not going to write about it but I carry some sadness within. I have my friends to speak to but my husband and I are strong . Thank you. And I never want my husband to feel he causes me concern.

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  4. Is resigned an appropriate word, or perhaps even numb?
    I suspect we all have our own levels of coping and when we reach that personal level our brain just kicks into it’s own mechanism, which may be way different than our normal reactions.
    I wonder if the more verbal, more emotional person is coping any better by consistently speaking out with their feelings versus those who seem silent or even disinterested at this point.
    No one should ever be invalidated in their response or lack thereof but I suspect there’s so much deeper sh*t behind how we all view and respond to this and for some they simply can’t see beyond their own space.
    Yes, I’m sticking with resigned at this point as to my personal view. I am functioning fine, aware of missing those I cannot safely be with, still able when I desire to be outside and have already passed so many of those big milestone moments with family that you mentioned. I do empathize with everyone who is missing those moments though as they were so important in my life at the time…

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      1. So I also wonder if those who seem to be insensitive were always like that and we just notice it more now because of the stress, or have they (or we who notice) changed in response to this. Can it be an either/or? I feel we’re all on some sort of edge, admittedly or not, and if PTSD wasn’t validated before it needs to be now.

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      2. No one is thinking about PTSD…and spoiler alert…we’re going to lose mire to that than corona. Right now I know of 4 people who have committed suicide recently(friends of friends) that’s 4 more people than I know of who have died from this. I’m not being insensitive. This is reality.

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  5. Whatever you’re feeling, thinking or believing..give it a week and you will probably feel, think or believe something different..that’s the way this whole experience has been for me.

    So I simply bob along with the ever-changing tide..sometimes high, sometimes low.. Minding my business..just trying to stay afloat.

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    1. I do ebb and flow and odd things set me off…a few weeks ago shoes I wanted went on sale so I bought them. This evolved into a decreasing for two days about when I would ever wear shoes again….

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      1. I get it. I’m generally a pretty happy soul but a few days ago woke up at 2am feeling darkly despondent. We had just cancelled a very rare family get-together with all of our kids, their spouses and significant others in the Keys.. it’s so rare we can all do this with everyone’s crazy schedules..I acted like it was no big deal and that we would try again some day…but my heart was obviously more than superficially fractured over it.. so yeah..it’s up and down.

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      3. I think we can feel it’s somehow illegitimate to be sad over our own “stuff” because after all, we’re not dead in the back of a refrigerated 18 wheeler, right? But I imagined the fun of us all being together next month…I felt the loss of that time together.. I got over it..but it was a moment..can’t pretend I didn’t feel it.

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  6. You probably know my first thought about the woman’s response, being that I had mentioned about my son’s missed ceremony just this week end in a post! You are so right, yes things could be worse, BUT it is still a huge milestone to miss and even though my son is saying he really doesn’t care, that its OK, I know it still hurts, even if just a little. I mean like you said they have been preparing for this day for years! And so yes, we need to acknowledge people’s pain. Let them wallow in self pity about it for days on end, that is different, but acknowledging it, YES! That is empathy, which is needed in this world, especially now!

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  7. It is interesting how men and women can interpret things so differently. I usually get on WordPress just to have a break from my work day briefly or to fit in with my full schedule. I don’t get on to argue with people or anything of that nature. I figure leave the pissin’ games at work where they usually are. We just have to move on, and most of us, do. I would like to find some blogs that are more interesting to me. I am tired of bloggers with a narrow focus.

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      1. And my blog is very erratic and undefined which is kind of like my personality at times. I try to keep some people guessing. If you only have your focus on negative things, woe is me and it continues all the day…I need to move on and refrain from nasty self-awareness remarks. In the end, it is up to me: if I find it boring and self-serving, move on but yet I am fascinated by a train ready to crash. Guilty of watching this and wondering, like the fiction writer I want to be.

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  8. I have two kids graduating…one from college, the other high school. I’ve tried not to focus on the missed events because it seems trivial in light of everything going on and people being sick and dying. However, I almost started crying yesterday thinking about the party, and how much I’d been looking forward to throwing a joint event for these two. I find it easier not to think about it though.

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    1. The problem is we’re being made to feel guilty about “trivial” things. But let’s face it….living is looking forward to the “trivial” things. Without these milestones, what is life? A flat expense of just watching the hours slip away? I’m so tired of people saying well…you could be dead….

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    2. @Thegsandwich…I also have a kid graduating from high school and one from high school. My feelings go up and down also, not just for my kids, but for their friends and all the other kids/young adults experiencing uncertainty now.

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  9. I’d be interested in hearing what you think of today’s post on my blog. While I am sad for those who can’t have graduation ceremonies as those before the 2020 graduating class had, nor can they have big graduation parties etc., hopefully in the future they can. And while I understand it won’t feel the same, I am extremely cognizant of working hard to keep everyone healthy and safe. And no, my kid isn’t graduating this semester so I’m in a different position.
    But he was invited to his girlfriend’s graduation party, even though gatherings are still prohibited, and he went, even though I was against it. You’d have to read my post on it today, but I am having a hard time with the disrespect I feel about it.

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  10. My family is affected by the lockdown and economic slowdown/crash. My city’s economics has been affected hugely by cancelled events, it’s a tourist region. All the lost jobs and the federal payouts everywhere have me concerned for the future. I look at the stock markets, and huge deficits and it causes me concern about the possibility of another war crisis just as WWII followed the 1930s. I am high risk due to my suppressed immune system and yet I feel low at risk, over-confident?, Naivety? Still I am staying extremely isolated. I owe that to the kidney donor for me, and to myself because I am living my one-more-last-chance right now. I describe how I feel is concerned, worried but I am not jumping to any conclusions about the future. Right now I am dealing some cancer surgeries and that is enough for me to think about even though it is not life threatening. I am concerned about my aged father as he lives alone. I feel a little bit like I am watching a car crash in slow motion with respect to Covid-19.

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  11. Emotions are up and down here. I am fortunate that I work from home, unfortunately the type of transcription I do has decreased significantly. Fortunately my 96-year-old mother is living with my sister instead of on her own, unfortunately my sister is charging her rent, forcing her to eat a vegan diet and is planning on going to Reno for 3 days this weekend when they open up the casinos. Fortunately our kids are all grown and had the experiences that the graduates are missing out on this year, unfortunately the economy is so uncertain that while it was difficult before for them to save the money to move out on their own, now it will almost be impossible. Fortunately I have the type of personality that allows me to handle these ups and downs without going over either edge, unfortunately I’ve never been tested to see just how long I can handle these ups and downs without going over either edge. Appreciate you and the posts you write to make everyone think and to allow us to express our opinions. That is extremely helpful. You are an essential worker in my opinion.

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  12. I spent the first month or more almost totally paralyzed by fear while the song “It’s the end of the world as we know it” ran on a loop through my mind. I’d have panic attacks in grocery stores etc. etc. It took a lot of prayer and self reflection to begin to get a handle on it. I thought I had. Then stories of reopening filled the news. I am not as panic-stricken as I was in the beginning, but I am nervous. This pandemic has changed the world, perhaps for many years yet to come. I have trouble accepting opinions that deny the seriousness of this disease. I have trouble being open-minded with people who believe the pandemic is a hoax or fabricated by the media. Seriously? And, like you, I feel sad for graduates; for people who planned vacations only to have their plans torpedoed; for couples who’d had wedding plans; for people who had plans of any kind that they were looking forward to. There have been so many kinds of losses. I am working hard to make sure my mental health is not one of them.

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    1. I think these kids have every right to be sad. It doesn’t make someone callous to be upset about what they’ve missed. It makes them human. I’m tired of people being told to get a grip. I’m tired if people saying these things don’t matter… does empathy only matter if someone has died? Sorry for venting

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      1. Don’t ever be sorry. We need the humanity, the truth of these matters. As I said, the bumper stickers won’t carry us through. But truth can help us to process better.

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  16. Ironically, Dez is what I call my youngest daughter for short, the one who was supposed to graduate high school on 5/27. Initially, I was upset about her not graduating, but I came to terms pretty quickly that it wasn’t going to happen as planned (like around end of March). My daughter doesn’t really care about pomp and circumstance stuff like this, even though she’s worked very hard (IB diploma and all). It’s just not important to her, so that has been helpful in kind of getting over the situation. Ultimately, I’ve decided to send out graduation announcements and photos as we’d planned. We’re going to have a small celebration (just our family) on 5/30; I’ve purchased a lawn sign, some balloons, and cupcakes, and her family will video chat her in groups.

    It’s not what I would’ve wanted, but hey.

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    1. I’m just tired of people saying that things like this don’t matter…it’s like we’re being shamed to say we’re upset we missed something that we planned on…it’s that there’s empathy for people who were affected by corona, but if you have anything else, it’s like sol….I always thought that empathy was trying to appreciate how someone feels, not based on a scale of what things matter most…

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      1. That is exactly what empathy is, but I’ve found it’s really hard for a lot of people. I also don’t think the masses are used to actually sharing their true feelings about anything.

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  17. Even though my son is graduating this year and has missed out on a lot of traditions that normally would have been followed, he isn’t all that bothered by it. I find it hard to explain his attitude in a way for those that don’t know him to understand it. He feels like getting his scholarship is more than enough recognition for all his hard work, he doesn’t need all the ceremony and attention.

    But because he is being so chill about the whole thing (as of right now, there will still be a ceremony, but it is postponed and may look VERY different than the norm), it is sometimes hard for me to see how badly this is impacting others that feel differently about missing those things. I can see it from the perspective of all the seniors that dance with my daughter, but that is only in what they are missing with regards to their final year in dance and all the traditions surrounding that. I am hugely sympathetic for those that feel like they are missing out more than my son is. It makes me sad to think about how so many of these milestone moments for these kids are being missed and reshaped.

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    1. That’s the thing…everyone has different feelings about this stuff, and everyone’s individual feelings matter. Many kids feel really horrible about missing milestone events. My daughter says she knows how much missing the second half if the semester was, and that was just missing out on stuff she’d only known about since September…

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  18. I’m feeling better these days, but I realize that is because the restrictions in our area have been loosened a bit. It’s still a far different world that what I’m used to, but some of our everyday joys are back, and that has helped my spirit enormously.
    But better is not the same as “good.” I still worry about the virus, and feel sorry for those who get it, have gotten it, or will get it, and know that I might be one of them. I’m also worried about the long-term economic and emotional impact of the restrictions. This is a huge experiment in how to react to an unknown but contagious virus, and only time will tell how good it was.
    What really bothers me, though, is exactly what you are talking about: the trivialization of anything that is not directly Covid-19 related. “Missed graduations, weddings, birthdays, once-in-a-lifetime-trips, etc? Doesn’t matter! Lost your job? You’ll get a government check eventually…and even if you don’t, better to go to the food pantry than die! Depressed, lonely, drinking too much? Still, better than dying! No need to feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t have the virus!” I could go on, but you get the picture. Yes, this virus is real and a serious threat. But no, it is not the whole world, or the only thing that is important. And we’ll be feeling the ramifications of how we’ve dealt with this for many years to come…..

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    1. The shame that is being put upon people who might lose their businesses, who have missed weddings, etc is horrible. Especially as people have been so wish washy about actually following rules…

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      1. I’ve found that to be true as well. The ones who are quickest to complain about others are usually also the ones who are doing exactly as they please. And there’s also a huge difference between what people say on social media and what they’re actually doing too!

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  19. Mean me reacts with eye-rolling about the amount of attention seeking there is out there, kinder me gets that some people need to process their feelings by writing about it. Yes, they could write it down & not hit publish (which I do a lot) but we’re all different. The honest truth is I’m enormously judgemental with people I don’t know or don’t regard highly, but more kind & understanding with people I care about. My personal focus has been on the fact that me & mine have roofs over our heads & food on the table. Yes, for some of us there’s been some really rough stuff to get through, but that’s private grief and not something I’d choose to air online. For others of us, it’s just been about their boredom … so there’s that to deal with too. A right old hotch-potch …

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  20. Pingback: the choices we make | therobynbirdsnest

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