My husband is a food diva.
For the most part, this is a good fit. I like to cook and try recipes. I like to go to restaurants. In terms of our relationship in general, our food proclivities mesh.
Except…
Last week I was making my weekly target run. Let me emphasize that my Husband knew I was going to Target, and Target alone. He also knows that almost everything in my neighborhood is closed…
One would also hope that he knows what’s on the shelves in the stores, and what isn’t…but…
So he says to me- “Can you pick up cookies for me.” (which in his case means chocolate chip) I nod my head knowing there is a 50/50 chance at finding cookies.
For the record, here’s how my twice a week food shop goes: In a perfect world I grab a can of beans and a can of some tomato product. I get a pack of frozen veggies and a box of pasta. That’s the first line of defense. (If you ask me why I only get one, it’s because they are limiting how much food we can buy per trip, and honestly, I just buy under my limit because I know there are those far worse off than I am..)
Then I see what else I can scavenge up. Eggs, onion, pepper, packet of cheese, chips, bag of mandarins, etc… I’m trying to grab basics that I can turn into a variety of things…
But anyway- I go to the cookie aisle. They have the Target brand cookies. Score. In the cart. I grab a thing of toilet paper (score) and a canister of wipes (double score)
I go home and unpack and wipe the groceries.
Husband- Why did you buy these cookies?
Me: That’s all they had.
Husband: but I don’t like these.
Me: They’re chocolate chip cookies.
Husband: but you know I like the good cookies.
Me: You knew I was going to Target (which is a Target express btw) What kind of cookies do you think they sell at Target?
Husband: Don’t you know me by now?
Me: &^%$&*(* in my head of course, because when I’m standing in the kitchen next to the chef’s knife is probably not the ideal time to get really mad at someone I’ll probably be in lockdown with for years…
And ten days later he still manages to bring up the cookies. I think at this point I have a reasonably good defense if it comes to that…
But, his food diva tendencies have started to branch out to other things…
The other day I made shrimp marinara (score- frozen shrimp from that Target trip) and frozen veggies. Now normally I would make pasta with this dish, but we eat sooooo much pasta now I didn’t need to add it.
Husband: are you serving Italian bread with that?
Cause you know we’re not only not in the middle of a pandemic, we’re now Olive Garden…
I just looked at him and thought about the shape of an Italian bread and wished for just one second that I had one so I could shove it….
Then yesterday, he says (as we’ve just finished dinner btw) What’s for dinner tomorrow.
Me: bean and rice burritos with tomatoes and corn
Him: With guacomole?
Let’s just say my daughter stood in front of me to keep from charging across the room…
Him: What? You mean there’s no avocados in the store? They don’t have a package of pre made guacamole?
I just walked away. Which isn’t very far considering the room in our apartment…
And yes dear readers….he’s still alive…
though my next trip to Target may yield duct tape and strong rope…
Hm…duct tape and rope may work here, too…
Thanks for the laugh. π
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Right? Iβm putting that on my must have list….
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hahahaha – i so get this
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π
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In his defense, there’s not much to look forward to these days besides food. But I understand your feelings. I feel blessed that my husband will eat anything.
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Omg I wish my husband hated food right now….
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I know what you mean.
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You’re keeping a sense of humour, take care π .
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Trying….though my patience is getting short….
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My 90 year old Mum and I had a good chuckle about this post! My dear departed Dad was a real sausage fiend, in his (Dutch) view, there was no such thing as a good sausage from an Australian butcher and boy would he give my Mum gyp if she inflicted anything but a sausage from a decent European smallgoods butcher. Goodness knows how he would be coping with this crisis (I have an uncomfortable feeling he’d be one who never ran out of coffee or toilet paper!!!).
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πitβs just amazing how people just need certain foods!!
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Can’t go past good sausage, or biscuits (cookies), or brawn, or ….or….
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Itβs the salty stuff for me…
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In before times(pre-covid) I would have my husband accompany me to the super market so he could get a dose of reality. He would price check everything and ask me why I didn’t get a certain thing because it is obviously cheaper. I brought that home once and you wouldn’t eat it, I am not into wasting food. But he would marvel at what was in the stores and why certain sizes were not available, it was like a first grader seeing their teacher at the store.
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My husband is worse than a child in a grocery. We end up with things that I canβt imagine what ran through his head…
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Thanks for the chuckle! I shared your post with both husband and son…they can consider themselves warned!
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This should be a PSA…π
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Absolutely!
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*in the sing-song-est voice I have*
Somebody’s getting locked in the closet!
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Right? I said if he mentions the fβing cookies one more time….
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Love the duct tape idea. I don’t need the rope because THAT is one of his passions. I have 2 dressers full of rope, string, and yarn that he has saved. The last time someone complained about some food I bought, the got a bowl, spoon, and a box of Cheerios set in front of them as I walked off. Yeah, I know children can be handled differently than spouses. Maybe next time send HIM to the store?
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If I sent him, god knows what heβd come home with!!π
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But HE would have to live with his choices too!
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But Iβd have to hear the whining….
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Oh my! This made me laugh. We all love our husbands but they sure can be annoying!!!
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Amen sister….
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Man this is good stuff!π
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This made me laugh so much. It’s exactly how I feel. My husband is stuck at a pity party from which there is seemingly no return. The only thing which pulls his head momentarily from his arse is food. I am resorting mostly to convenience foods as I am still unwell and my tastebuds are MIA, which he is ok with (god forbid he should cook for a change, but hey) but his morose behaviour has had me contemplating how bad it would really be to go to prison for a very long time where at least my meals would be cooked by other inmates for me and I could spend the rest of my days reading quietly in peace! xx
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I know! I just told someone that I envy Tom hanks in castaway….
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I’m guessing divorce lawyers are going to have a field day when this is all over….
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I seriously envy Tom hanks in castaway…
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Fun! This felt like a Woody Allen movie. A few of the comments raised my eyebrows, maybe a post should be done on how to survive isolation.
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I think youβre right…..
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LOL – This reminded me of my ex/husband. He was going to Africa with my Dad, middle of no where in a tent.
My Dad asked if he had any food requests…my ex/husband said, βICE CREAM.β
Like you, my Dad was in shockβ-Called me and said, βIs your husband an idiot?β <:
Thx for same laugh.
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Omg! Thatβs awesome! And by that I mean funny and typical!
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πππ If not duct tape and rope, glue would do.π
Hugsππ
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πyou got that right!!
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Thanks for the laugh!
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LOL do we have a lot in common! I was going to say send him instead but read your comments about what he might bring home and I get that too. In the earlier years of our marriage (think the first 30) I would have felt guilty and beat myself up about it. Somewhere in the last 5 years I’ve gained the ability to let it roll off me.
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Itβs just, you know….π
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You’ll need contractor cleanup bags for body disposalπ
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Do they sell them at target?π
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Their up&up brand does come in contractor cleanup bag optionπ
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Good to know….π
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You brought tears of laughter to my eyes! But yes, I would say he better watch out or you will be getting that duct tape for sure! Its good he has your daughter to protect him! And how sore is your tongue from biting it! π
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Omg…I know!
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My husband would eat dirt pancakes with worms instead of bacon..BUT.. he can’t eat ANY meal without the TV blasting away so.. yeah. π
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There you go…π
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Nope, I wouldn’t put up with a food diva, ever. Time for your husband to grow up like the rest of us and eat cookies we don’t like. And if that’s not a a first world problem I don’t know what is!
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And he has mother issues too…..whenever single women tell me heβs so nice, I say, heβs all yours…π
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The wrong cookies? I take my hat off to you for not decking him on the spot. What Ally says about him needing to get a grip sounds spot on or he’s going to be suffering a whole load of disappointments over the next few weeks & months, for this isn’t going to go away in a hurry.
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Tell me about it….
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I say the next time he brings up the cookies remind him where the target is and tell him to do his own shopping! Lucky for me (and them) no one complains in my house. I think they might be a little scared of me. π My husband does not want to cook so he happily eats whatever he gets. And tonight he is bringing home take-out on his way home from work. I told him we need to make sure our favorite independent restaurants stay in business!
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Oh….I think heβs aware of my feelings….
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So funny. You need to put him to work laying new floors or being the treasurer, wait isn’t there someone else he can check on? Is there an errand to send him to?
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Heβs busy with work. This is his normal thing…just exacerbated by the quarantine conditions
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Husband is redoing all our floors!!
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Lucky you!
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Wow. Any way you can give him a reality check that doesn’t involve hospitals and germs and inappropriate bread use?
Can he learn to cook and get excited and less-annoying over that? It’s been working for my husband–that and a little cough now and again, and he stays worried and trying to be helpful and shows no prince-like symptoms.
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Donβt worry….lots of social distancing …..
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They only make baguettes so big.
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This is hilarious! My husband thinks he should be getting gourmet meals and I am trying my hardest not to choke him out!!!
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Right there with you!!
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I love the humorous way you write about painful reality.
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Thank youππ
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LOL. Looks like your Diva might have to venture out if he wants his special menu.
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Omg I know!
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Bahahaha!
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Very funny – for us, not you. Fortunately, my husband would never complain about the food. Heβs lucky to get enough to eat, with his crazy metabolism. Iβm just happy he gets his own breakfast and lunch. I just have to come up with dinner.
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I am happy my husband cooks also. I still work and now from home. He is retired and does much of the cooking.
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My husband knows how to make two things. Both require good season salad dressing mix
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Thank you for the great laughs, at your expense..
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I’m suddenly glad I do the shopping right now.
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If you havenβt been to the store yourself, you have no idea what it is like. Great story! π
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Right? At one point last week, my husband said oh, we probably need toilet paper. My daughter and I just looked at him. I said you donβt think I go down the tp, paper towel, and soap, wipe area every time? Like, it just didnβt register that thereβs no tp unless you get lucky and it was just delivered
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Clueless! π³πππ
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Went to bed last night thinking about you and your family. (I scrolled through several of your posts/ comments etc right before) We visited New York Christmas week of 2013…It was for me almost sensory overload, fortunately someone was with us who used to live there so she enabled us to experience New York City through the eyes of a local. So how do you get to the grocery store? Do you guys have a car? I read another post by a blogger that lives in Greenwich Village that made it sound like the subways were shut down….maybe not? Thinking of you all from here in the heartlands…DM
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No. We donβt have a car. We walk to the markets, but remember, itβs a dense urban area, so I have like 10 markets within a 20 minute walk of my house. The subways are running on a limited service but theyβre on,y supposed to be for essential workers. Thanks for the thoughts!!
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My Hubby is the one that has to do the shopping right now and it has been quite the experience. He is always great about getting stuff when it is small and basic and easy. When it comes to getting something specific, he needs very specific instructions along with a photo of the item where possible. Every single time he has gone out, I’ve gotten at least 2 or three calls while he is gone, either attempting to verify what I’m asking for or what he should do about an item on my list that isn’t there. Thankfully, he has done this enough now that he can hopefully put the phone away and keep it there for future trips.
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My husband buys impractical things, or doesnβt think ahead to what we need to actually eat. Like he might come back with four different types of barbecue sauce, but nothing else
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Mine is really good at sticking to my list, just not so great about making decisions when he isn’t sure of something. I’m actually a little grateful for that, though, because I’m so stinking picky, I’d rather he ask and be right than guess and get it really wrong.
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Hmmm….that was funny! But I have to tell you, I’m a bit of a chocolate chip cookie snob. And pasta without bread, well, I’m just glad I’m not in the same room or else I would have been charged, also..:)
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I would have been cussing out a storm. You must be a saint, LA.
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I wouldnβt go that far…π
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LOL, simple gratitude would suffice π
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My husband doesn’t go into the stores due to health issues. One day I took pictures of empty shelves so he could see reality. When I was in the grocery today, I saw a lot more food. Encouraging.
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That was hilarious! Next time send him to the store and make him cook something with whatever he brings home.
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I can honestly say I’ve never a met a biscuit (cookie) I didn’t like.
We have plenty of avocados here – they are still considered dangerously exotic in the UK.
Apart from that, keep well, I don’t like the sound of the alternative. π
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You make care too!
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