I didn’t feel well when I woke up last Friday.

I panicked a little.

Obviously.

But here’s the problem with panic- the more you do it, the worse you get.

So I took an allergy pill, because really, the symptoms felt like at allergy, but you know, I have heightened awareness to sickness, so I immediately decided I had corona, even though I had no fever, no cough and I could still taste and smell…

But I had a tightness in my chest…

So I sat by myself on the couch, because you know we have no space to quarantine from one another in my apartment, so it’s one for all and all for one.

And I stewed and got more crazed by the minute…I can’t watch TV because you know, one room is an office and the other is a classroom…and I don’t watch TV on my computer on principal. So I plowed through a book, but I still kept wondering…is this it?

And you replay the what if scenario about a thousand times in your head. You tell the people in the room that you don’t feel good, but, it doesn’t really help. The only thing that will help is feeling better…

Of course, I legit started to feel better about an hour after taking an allergy pill, but still, if we know anything right now, it’s that you can’t be too careful…

And my chest still hurts a little, but I know that the cause of that is anxiety. Because how can you not help but be just a teensy bit anxious right now…

So I just practiced breathing, and I took a nap. When I woke from the nap I felt much better physically. Mentally, not so much.

Saturday came and I knew I had to talk to someone other than my family about what I was feeling, my panic, my anxiety, whatever. But you have to choose your confidante very carefully. You have to pick someone who will make you feel better, who will be calm and rational and logical and neutral emotionally…

So I figured out who to talk to…

FYI- there is no friend who will remain cool, calm and emotionless when you tell them that you thought you had corona the day before, but all is good now…

Though normally grammatically correct in all written exchanges, your calm logical friend types out two sentences jammed together, spelling and punctuation be damned…

So I started to panic again…

To the point where I had to tell my friend that I would talk to them later because I didn’t need advice or be told what I should be doing. I just needed someone to listen to my crazy… I needed to just vent a little and get out all that I was feeling…I needed to say out loud that I was having a really bad day…

Which my friend got…eventually…I guess when you actually say – hey- I’m having a really bad day- it helps…

I verbalized all the stuff swirling in my head, which in turn released the fifty pound weight that had centered itself on my chest…

By Sunday I was much better mentally.

So these are my corona diaries. Some days are good, some days are neutral, and some days just downright suck…

 

111 thoughts on “Cuatro-Days”

  1. Every cough or sneeze creates these reactions in people now. God forbid you have allergies and you dare to sneeze or cough at a store…

    Ugh.

    I have no advice. Just hang in there. You know how to reach me.

    In terms of tv on a computer…well now may be that time to exercise this option. Especially on a rainy day.

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  4. I hear you!! I woke up with mild asthma bothering me last night. I know exactly what caused it too.. The Bike Trail we rise on was very crowded last evening so we took a dirt road instead…Those dusty dirty roads always get my asthma going. 2 am, I wake up my husband because I needed reassurance. I had no sore throat, no fever, yet I was in a panic. He advised me to take an allergy pill, maybe my inhaler, try to stay calm, etc. I mean seriously, here I am 54 years old waking up my husband so he can tell me to take my normal allergy regime which I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. Work up this morning, feeling fine…although still nervous and feeling like a dodged a bullet. I have no advice on this either. The fear is real, the anxiety is there. Even though you know it’s allergies and you may even know what brought it on, this damn virus is just lurking out there and it is a scary thing. Stay safe!!! Love your posts!! I so relate to them and They often get me through my morning knowing there are other people out there that are going through the exact same things!! Stay safe!!

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    1. Thank you! The hardest part is knowing you’re being irrational, but having no real skills with which to cope. I keep reminding myself to just breathe…which is harder than it sounds. I feel like I’m continually holding my breath….💗💗💗

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      1. I agree!!! This was my first exacerbation since I quit my nursing job in Oct. Prior to that I was having some major issues and had a pretty rough month back then. But I didn’t panic, coping was not an issue. Last night, with just a very mild problem I fell apart. That’s not like me. Today I am feeling great, ready to get outside and I am going to keep the networks and news off. Maybe that will reduce some of this antsy feeling. Can’t hurt!!

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  5. I’ve been under the weather several times in the last four weeks. Each time I have that momentary fear that this is the end…

    I think it’s natural, and probably nature’s way of reminding us to act safely.

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  6. Oh I hear you, too! The balancing act of managing my common everyday maladies of allergies/intermittent asthma/migraine are compounded by being on the look out for COVID indicators…geesh. I found a comparison article that is helpful to me to remind me of my ‘normal’ in the face of this ‘new normal’…maybe you might find it helpful, too.
    https://www.healthline.com/health-news/flu-allergies-coronavirus-different-symptoms
    I can’t even imagine how others with real issues (cancer patients for one) are ‘managing’ their own set of ‘normal’ against this COVID induced ‘new normal’.
    Lord have mercy on us all.

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  7. I hear ya..one day I’m all kondo-rganizing my drawers – the next day my ass is glued to the couch. One minute my husband is my hero the next minute I want to drop kick him into the pool…up and down..up and down..

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  8. I’m suffering from allergies, and continue to talk myself off the ledge. I know it’s allergies, but the ‘what ifs’ are actively punching me in the face.
    It’s natural to feel all these irrational feels, this anxiety in a time when the world is off kilter. It’s especially tricky for strong-centered, logical people (like you) who ‘know’ one thing, yet ‘feel’ another.
    I think being cooped up quickly becomes feeling trapped. Logic goes out the window.
    I’m sure your friend loves you and is at the same level of anxious you are, which didn’t help either of you when you expressed yourself. When you finally got to where you could say you were having a crap day everything changed, and that’s what friends are for!
    I think we all need to be crystal clear about what our expectations are as we communicate right now. Saying, I’m having a crap day and need you to listen. Asking, Do you need a listener or help problem solving?
    We’re going to get through this. Some of us are going to come out the other side changed.
    Love coming at you!

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    1. I actually said to my friend, people who love me are all telling me different things to do or not to do, so that’s not helpful. The thing is to morph into whatever form your friend needs at that moment! And I know how hard that is!

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      1. You were already feeling overwhelmed and had all that differing information coming at you. That’s stressful! However well-meaning the people who love you are.
        You’re right about trying to be what someone needs. In this situation of heightened anxiety, everything can be a trigger and we’re quick to feed that in each other and ourselves. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to practice pausing? That’ll be harder now than ever before, but probably more beneficial too.
        We’re learning so much about ourselves and each other during this time. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I still have my lovely winter cough (I don’t even want to think about the reactions I’d get if I were the one to go to the store), which has already been weird this year. Yesterday, for some really weird reason, it got worse and by the end of the day, I wasn’t feeling awesome. Not bad, really, just not great. It wasn’t until I woke up with a raging headache and feeling worse than yesterday and I go to take my allergy meds that I realized that my lovely brain forgot to take them yesterday. That and having the windows up for a couple of days had tripped my allergies into high gear. So, yeah. I can totally empathize with you. Even though I was pretty certain it was just allergies, there is always that little kernel of doubt hanging around in the back of your head. Glad you are doing ok!

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  12. I went through a similar experience. I finally decided my symptoms were allergy because if it was Corona I would have already be either very sick or over it. I still check my temperature every day.

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  13. This made me smile, I have a tight chest and a cough, but no fever or aches and pains, I told hubby I wasn’t feeling well. He as clam as ever said ‘what do you expect, standing int he cold and rain to pay a bill’ have you taken your reliever’ I felt such a twit, took a couple of puffs and yes it was my asthma. I knew it was bothering me but never thought to try the reliever. I think this virus is doing all our heads in.

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  14. My chest hurts, too. Definitely anxiety. When the NYT news alert flashed up on my phone yesterday, stating the revised, even grimmer predictions, my chest started to hurt even worse.

    No advice other than to hang in there. Thinking of you. Your blog helps me cope!

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  15. I can understand your anxiety, given your situation. I can’t worry about it myself, because I have very real and present, possibly quite serious, health issues right now. The healthcare community is no help, either. The specialists aren’t making appointments. It’s as if you have anything other than Covid, you can just deal with it – or go to the emergency room, the last place I’d want to be right now.

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    1. I completely empathize. Before all this my father had gotten some tests because he has prostate cancer that they’ve been treating him for. Well, it turns out he also has lung cAncer but non related, so no one wants to treat him. But anyway….try to remain calm, and sending you virtual socially distant hugs and love

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  16. You certainly opened up discussion about anxiety, and good timing on that as I checked the US news this morning. I loved the line” I just needed someone to listen to my crazy..”
    It is important to remember that more and more infected persons are recovering than those who are not – let’s remember to take those deep breathes that help calm our thoughts, albeit not eliminate them.

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  19. Knowing you live in the city, I’d make great allowances for your fears. You are surrounded by people who have the virus, and you live terribly close to your husband and daughter. I’m thrilled you feel better and hope you have happier days now.

    I’m still watching myself carefully, because I have a cough left from an awful head cold that started in January. I keep waiting for some other symptom of the virus to show up, but so far, nothing.

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  21. I know what you mean. I was thinking about that while I was walking this morning. And I’m not even close to a hot spot. Its freakin scary shit. What I realized this morning is that when you worry you get tight. You’re thinking is closed. Negativity sets in and you’re depressed. I have to strive to worry less and be more open. No matter how much I want to control things I can’t. I have to let go and let things happen as they are meant to. Its hard….

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  22. that’s what I find funny about quarantining yourself in another room advice. what about all us folk that live in a 1 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment. No other choice but if 1 gets sick the other does as well. I am right there with ya on the allergies heightened anxiety. March/April I usually feel ill. Just sucks that there is a pandemic as well. :/

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  24. I am so with you! I get stressed about distancing and then worry that I am ignoring my husband and why can’t we find things to do together, but should we. My son, who lives next door, may have been exposed and now I am stressing about that. I know I am making things worse, but I can’t get away from my thoughts.

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  25. Hang in there, LA. This is uncharted territory the world is in right now. You should feel justified in feeling anxiety from time to time, and hopefully being able to write about it and talking to your friends in the blogosphere helps. Trust you instincts. Take deep breaths.

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  27. You are of course correct, you have to pick and choose the people you talk to VERY carefully, who an earth want’s to come off the phone feeling more worried and depressed than before they called! 🙂 Take care we’re all feeling on edge. x

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  28. Between my allergies and hot flashes there is no way I would notice the virus. I am the complete opposite of you, I just can’t seem to get overly concerned about it. Yes, I am staying home except for the sporadic trip to the store. Yes I wash my hands a few more times a day. But I will either get COVID-19 or I won’t. Being reasonably healthy and fit, even if I get it I don’t feel any more concern about dying from it then I do the flu or crossing the street. My biggest concern is being a carrier and not knowing it and inflicting some other poor soul. So I stay home, which is the best way to do my part in ending the pandemic. You need to get a grip my friend and find something else to focus on!

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      1. Brutal, and with my thyroid I am freezing and then, whoosh, I am burning up. Doesn’t last long, 20, 30 seconds usually? By the time I peel off an outer layer it is already on the wane. At night I wake up just before it starts, befuddled every time as to why I am awake. I have learned to fling the covers off right away. Frequently I get up to use the bathroom and it seems getting out of bed helps the flash end quicker. A good night I only wake once or twice, bad night as many as five or six times. I may be deluding myself but I think the flashes are getting less frequent. We’ll see, especially as the heat of spring is here! (mid-80’s)

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      3. Yup, it sucks. The worst is having no idea when it will end! I have read some women have hot flashes into their seventies. I can’t even think about it. take care, stay safe!

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  29. You’re right, some days we don’t want a pep talk or lecture. We just need an opportunity to vent and have someone listen. People think offering advice helps. They’re trying. There is such a fluctuation of emotions, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute sometimes. Hang in there.

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  32. I think we all are going to go through periods of anxiety and fear. And it will help to have those level-headed friends that will listen to us vent. Be careful with those feelings of anxiety and fear because they can actually lower your immune defenses. I started a gratitude journal at the beginning of the year and try and at the end of the day I try and write at least three things I’m thankful for. It does refocus my mind on more positive thoughts. I do have to admit if I lived in New York, it would be hard not to be anxious about the situation. Stay strong. Stay well. xoxox

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  34. I had a panic attack in the grocery store I forced myself to go to a few days ago. It was totally irrational, but fear is never, ever rational (well maybe if you’re being chased by a bear or something). Having to go into stores gives me severe anxiety. I imagine picking up the virus somehow and bringing it home to my hubby – whom, as you know, is one of the very vulnerable. Now, there are currently three confirmed cases here (there was four but I guess one recovered) and the chances are extremely microscopic that I will pick it up – next to microscopic, seeing as I use hand sanitizer religiously and wash my hands frequently. Anyway, I got over it. We all do. But having someone to hear without feeling the need to “fix” you is an enormous help. Hang in there and stay safe.

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      1. It really does. It’s online therapy for free. LOL I hope you’re doing okay and I want you to know I keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well as all the people of New York City.

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  37. Pingback: expressing all the irrational feels | therobynbirdsnest

  38. Same thing happened to me! I had allergy symptoms (my usual this time of year) and immediately assumed I had the virus and had passed it on to my husband, grandson (I babysit him five days a week) and his parents. I think we’re all going to have those moments of temporary panic, and I hope that we all have someone to reach out to at that time. I’m so sorry that the person you called just made it worse at first…..we all need to remember to put our own emotions and thoughts aside when a friend or family member needs to vent to us, and to just listen and let them say what they need to say.

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    1. These days, we really need to be able to sound out our fears, and be respected for what we’re feeling….it’s hard enough in a perfect world , but now…..bleh…..

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  39. Anxiety is so tough and any sort of symptom will get your mind whirling, especially in your living situation. I’ve been fighting off a cold ever since surgery, but don’t know how long that’ll last. I keep throwing everything at it, for I know it’ll lower my immunity and none of us need that right now. A friend of mine who’s stress levels were already pretty explosive before this all started is causing me a lot of worry. Apparently my voice is calming, so I try to talk to her whenever I can. Problem is I hold my stress in my lower back … so am doing my exercises to try and hold any muscle spasms at bay as my safety net (chiropractors) are, of course, closed … Well done on getting through the day.

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  40. The mental anguish is something that cannot be overstated. It’s impossible not to think every sneeze, cough or runny nose means something.

    Glad (very, very) that you are okay LA.

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  41. I truly hope you’re in a calmer frame of mind now. My “crazy” happened three weeks ago with all that exasperation about toilet paper. After I got over the vexation of that, I got busy forming plans about what I could do with the time I might be stuck inside. You know what they say about an idle mind!

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  42. Two things: #1 this happened to me a couple weeks ago after I stopped for lunch in Savannah and didn’t realize people were having St. Patty’s day, even though it was cancelled. I thought for sure I’d contracted something the following day. I hadn’t.

    #2: “You have to pick someone who will make you feel better, who will be calm and rational and logical and neutral emotionally…” this part is something I’ve been meaning to write about. It’s taken me a long time, but finally, I know who I can share what with.

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    1. I love all my friends dearly, but you do need to be careful who you choose to talk to about different things. People who love you want to tell you what to do….which doesn’t help necessarily

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