“I’m not sure why it should matter to you that most, men, typically, don’t spend time talking to anyone about their feelings…”

This was a comment from someone regarding my post yesterday.

So, fair point. Why does something matter to me?

To start, we need to really define what matters means, whether in this context or another. When you say something matters, what do you think it means?

Then, we really need to define “you” (which in this case would be “me”), because it all depends on which version.

Does it matter to LA the blogger, who just likes to discuss things in an open forum to see what people think, or just maybe make them think.

Does it matter to LA the person?

LA the mother?

The wife?

The woman?

I could keep listing these things, but you get the gist. On which level does something matter. So here are some possible answers to why this topic matters to me:

  1. Is the media, social or otherwise, dictating how we should think and act?
  2. Why would we let outside influences sway our thoughts before we’ve had a chance to think them out?
  3. Have we really evolved as people if the ideals of men and manhood are the same as they were 75 years ago?
  4. Would communication between male and female partners be better if men were more open to conversation?
  5. Would there be less divorce if men and women were able to communicate better?
  6. Would the worlplace enviornment be less toxic if me and women were given more range to understand one another on different levels?
  7. Is it wrong to stereotype men into a group that shows less emotion?
  8. Is a patriarchal society to blame for how men act or are depicted?
  9. Is the hunter/gatherer model still applicable in 2020?
  10. Would there be less violence against women if men were shown how to handle their emotions properly?
  11. Would there be less violence in general if men weren’t expected to “be a man”?
  12. Would the numbers of suicide decrease?
  13. Would there be less dependency and addiction issues?
  14. More fathers staying with their children instead of leaving them?
  15. Strong role models to teach their children how to behave and how to treat others?
  16. Less bullying for not being a “regular guy”?
  17. More openness in men going into professions that have normally been held by women?
  18. Enable men to speak up if they see a man not treating a woman properly because they won’t be chastised for breaking the bro code?

I could probably keep listing them, but these are the first that come to mind.

So when asked why it matters, I have to wonder, well what does matter? And that’s a question that every individual needs to ask themselves. What matters to you? What are the issues that make you stop and think, make you take action?

Personally, everything matters to me. Big or small, every detail, idea and nuance matters to me on some level. I have the ability to blog every day because there is nothing that doesn’t interest me on some level. I love when I get comments that make me stop and think because allows me to explore a path that I didn’t really know existed until someone said it. Every idea matters to me.

But I guess, instead of writing a whole blog about why it does matter, I could have just asked:

Why doesn’t it matter?

 

49 thoughts on “What Matters….

  1. We need to keep on talking about these things. I thought I could have friendships with men, for instance. It is often a lot more difficult than I thought. It shouldn’t be, but there it is. It isn’t all in ‘nature’, but how much is? It takes a long time to change things and then they go back-over, or other cultures come strongly into play, which could do with some old-fashioned feminism, in my opinion. No easy answers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right…change takes a long time. But it has to start somewhere. And we have to think about things first before anything can happen

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      1. Sometimes things happen by a kind of osmosis – what came first, the chicken or the egg? They reckon there was a matriarchy once – before the current patriarchy – whether that was fiction or not, I don’t know. But, in the recent past (the last 100 years or so for me) women just had the babies – nothing to stop them – people forget that. And so society was built around that. Then we had the pill – that changed everything – even my mother recognised that. And now? You need to think in terms of gender – that includes everyone. But in some societies it is still the women that seem to get the rawest deal. I could talk about this forever, actually.

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      2. My daughters theory is that we went from matriarchy to patriarchy when society industrialized..but are we actually evolving?

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      3. I was talking about way back in ancient history – when there was a religion to do with snakes – and women controlled them. I can’t remember, but pre-Greek. Before industrialisation, I don’t know. Women had cottage-industries, spinning and home-weaving, I suppose you could call it. I’m going by what I can remember but I wasn’t a history student – I was literature, philosophy, theory – the French stuff I’m mainly talking about. But I know that women were in mines at one point – in UK – along with the men – they had smaller-sized tools – that is much of the problem now – I garden – I dig with a border fork and border spade (smaller) otherwise I’d struggle with muscle-power. My nieces, though – you wouldn’t believe how physically strong they are. When I was young you did all in your power not to develop muscles – I have a grand-daughter – she pursues distinction in her muscles. But matriarchy versus patriarchy – at the end of the day, it is the same thing – one group of people in power – women in power over men or men in power over women. Nothing changes, ultimately. Now, it’s no longer fashionable, but Derrida, Barthes -death of the author- meaning – the reader gets a chance – but that’s the same – who has the power? The author or the reader? Where is the in-between? And I’m not talking communism. I could go on for ages – which is one reason I gave up all this academic stuff at one point – as your daughter said about philosophy once – there are no answers. You have a theorist – someone comes along and refutes him or her – and then someone comes along . . . where do you settle? However, I learned all that stuff – taught myself mainly, using the lectures and seminars as a springboard, really. It got to a point where I could hardly speak at all – especially once a traditional university tried to hook me in. I am so glad I managed to get out of there – and I can’t get rid of the theory – the questioning and arguing. Long speech for me here.

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  2. Personal opinion: it should matter, to every single human being because every single thing you listed was/is/will be a reason for someone’s actions toward another human being. Leave sex, gender, race, cultural background, etc., out of the picture. If we believe HUMANS are equal and should be valued and regarded as equals then every point you made matters.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s how I think too. Humans are responsible for pretty much every problem we face in the world today. You can’t fix anything, till we explore and work on everything

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t see this changing, particularly with the way people meet today by swiping to left (or is it the right?) and having their eyes on their phones at all times. If anything, I think expressing feelings in both sexes may suffer. A lot of this stuff seems very superficial.

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  4. I was born inside of an age where “men were men”, which dissolved into men being expected to be more open and honest. Indeed, as a boy growing up, Charles Ingalls from “Little House on the Prairie” was the only man I ever saw cry. True story.

    I think men, and women, have come a long way.

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  5. A lot of questions and I think women still have an expectation of men as “cowboys.” That is likely a poor analogy but regardless the lines are moving gradually toward centre. Women are taking a bigger role in former male only areas. Women are police officers, firefighters, politicians, doctors, construction workers and so on, and men are slowly moving into formerly women roles, nursing, seniors care, stay at home persons even. It’s already happening, generation by generation. But older generations the roles were established by their parents, and so they continue it.

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  6. My husband thinks today’s confusion and discontent would be helped by returning to the patriarchal society we once had. He says we actually dislike the freedom and feel better having rigid social guidelines.

    I don’t know what to think, except that I am not personally happy in my traditional role of SAHM.

    Given those and what you’ve said, I’d say both camps are right.

    We need standards and guidelines. We need fulfilment. We need communication.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I think it does matter. I’m trying to get my husband to see important communication is to me and certain things might improve if could communicate better. Just because he thinks something doesn’t mean I I know without him saying it. Baby steps. It’s such a big issue. Thanks for bringing it up.

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  8. I think it matters too. I had a husband who didn’t communicate and it led it down us a very dark and . . . well, messy, road. He communicates better and more now and we both feel better. So, yes, it matters that you think about it because many others are thinking about it too. I wonder how the other person would feel if someone asked them what it matters to them about … whatever they write on their blog? 🙂

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  9. I was going to stay out of it, but what the heck. As the wife of an amazing man who most decidedly does not where his emotions on his sleeve but is always there for me and for everyone else in his world and beyond, I take exception to some of these leaps of faith you have made about men not expressing emotion as much as women. As the mother of two grown sons, who are amazing husbands and father (of mostly sons) and who care about everything that is important to their family, their friends, their communities, and the planet, and live their lives as such, but not spending much time talking about their feelings, I take exception to these leaps of faith, including the motion that they wouldn’t speak up for women. On behalf of my countless former male students in computer science, who have grown into remarkable men – husbands, fathers, community leaders and volunteers, taking their kids to activity after activity and proactively caring about the destruction of our planet, I take exception to this long list of presumptions of what happens because men don’t spend as much time as women talking about their emotions. I think you will find that most men care just as deeply as most women. And most women understand that, just as most men understand that women need to do so. The men I know, which I can count in the hundreds, are fine, responsible human beings who partner with their wives (and in some cases husbands), sharing parenting and other household duties. And most of them would be counted as feminists, including my husband, who turned 80 in December. There, I’ve said my piece! 😊

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      1. ?? Not sure of the relevance of your question, but in fact it was a male friend of mine who served as a role model for me to pick up paper that has been carelessly tossed aside. He was director of the computing centre and, as we heard across campus to a meeting, he stopped twice to pick up pieces of paper (in Canada typically discarded Tim Hortons cups) and held them until we passed a trash bin. I’ve done so ever since watching him do it.

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  10. I think it is changing, but I am also of the opinion that women also have to change some of their attitudes towards men and what they expect of them. Society on a whole has a lot to answer for, but we are making progress with each generation. Men and women are different (not just physically) and should be lauded for the differences. Yes there are a lot of non-positive differences and I believe that is what we need to change in us all.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. You wrote that everything matters to you, and then later asked why doesn’t it matter? Chewing on my apple while reading this post, it occurred to me that this is a very binary approach to an incredibly complex thing. I didn’t write problem, even though I wanted to, but instead wrote “complex thing” because many of the bullet points you wrote above aren’t a problem for lot of people, or if they are, they may not be a “priority problem”.

    I was also thinking that for many of these things we can’t just Marie Kondo the thing. Something may not spark joy, but we can’t just discard an immaterial thing in the same way we can a pair of shoes.

    I’m rambling now, but I just think that there’s a whole continuum of gender norms/behaviors, and simply using a binary men vs women approach is misleading and maybe even counter productive?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmm…first off, stylistically I wrote the blog as a response to a comment I received yesterday, so that was me trying to be clever with I could give you a long detailed answer with reasons, or I could have just answered why doesn’t it matter in response. But let’s think about priority problem. Define priority problem? Because for arguments sake let’s just say that every problem we have today is caused by humanity. And if we become better humans, maybe a few lives get saved

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    1. I think anyone can transform at any time, given the right catalyst. It’s trying to figure out which change should become a goal to work towards that means something

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  12. I would say you’re naturally curious and that is why you ask provocative questions on your blog. I see nothing wrong with that. If I’m not particularly interested in the subject you’re questioning, I just won’t participate in that discussion.

    I wonder why that person you quoted would ask such a question. Does it bother that person in some way? Are they afraid that something will be revealed about him or her that he or she would like to be kept private? All that person has to do is not participate in the discussion.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, though there are many ways to consider that point, I’ll go with naturally curious….though on a funny note…I’ve been posting pics on my Sunday blog. So yesterday I was going to see a film at this indie theater…Hitchcock retrospective. I took a pic of the marquee. Someone actually said why are you taking that picture…what do you need it for….so yeah…I don’t know anymore

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t understand why someone would ask you that. I’m assuming you didn’t know the person, of course. And if that is the case, what business of it is his/hers. Is that person a member of the ‘marquee control’ or something?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Right? I asked do you have any idea why I’m doing it? Theres this new form if elitist snobbery un NYC against people taking pictures of seemingly innocuous things. It’s really annoying for a city that practically has live and let live embroidered on the city flag

        Liked by 1 person

  13. You know, what Jane Fritz says is as valid an opinion as anyone else’s. You haven’t much of a clue, LA, how this works, how men are made by a culture as much as nature. It is not a simple matter of LA being right and everyone else validating her. This is not an opinion site. It is for your own ego.

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    1. Her opinion is valid. Her asking why it matters to me is questionable. Why does it matter what matters to me. And I clearly asked if people think it’s nature vs nurture. To say that thinking about the idea and question isn’t worthy is sort of myopic. What does nature and culture actually mean? What about nature and culture of women? Then, you need to define opinion. If I state something, isn’t it by definition my opinion? Do I have an ego. Sure I do. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing if it works for me.

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