Yesterday we talked about bait and switch- presenting yourself as one thing, but really being something different…

Different…

A few of the comments made me think…

Laura wondered how you know the difference between bait and switch, evolution, growth and change?

I replied that I had absolutely no idea…but here’s my attempt at identifying the differences:

I knew a woman who joined a ski club. She does ski, but she joined in the hopes that she would meet single men. Ok- I get this. If you’re tired of set ups and internet dating, this is a great real life option.

She did succeed in meeting a guy- a guy who was really into skiing of all sorts whether it be downhill or water or jet. This was his thing- adrenaline junky, high speed outdoors type of guy.

Ok fine. They began dating. He planned ski weekends for them. Inevitably, every time they were supposed to ski, she bailed out. Sick, work, etc. First off, he lost a lot of money because some tickets are non refundable. Secondly, he didn’t actually get the kind of partner he thought he was getting: someone who shared his interest in skiing and outdoor things. In the years they were together, I don’t think they actually skied together once, either on water or land. The relationship ended up failing, but not because she didn’t ski. It ended because in all things, she often said one thing and did another. He didn’t actually know who she was, and that was what he couldn’t abide.

Bait and switch.

Back in the day, I used to like to go to bars. I could sit on a stool and bs for hours. I liked to stay up late. As years went by, I enjoyed this less and less. Now, the thought of sitting on a stool in a crowded loud bar makes me hyperventilate. True, I still love a good cocktail bar, with a long inventive drink list, and comfortable seats and a lovely waitperson to take my order, but I no longer like generic bars. And seriously- the goal is to walk the dog at 10 and be in pajamas by 10:15.

Whatever.

My husband still likes those type of establishments, staying out late. I no longer do.

Bait and switch?

No. I have changed as a person. Once I enjoyed that atmosphere. Now I do not. I have changed into someone who likes a quieter atmosphere, and who doesn’t like to stand when she drinks. And who values sleep.

Sometimes we do things when we are young that we regret as we get older. These things may or may not have been healthy choices. As we get older we realize that we may have made a few mistakes, hence we have grown. When we may have once enjoyed living six people in a tiny apartment and didn’t really worry about cleaning up, we may realize that it may not be the best way to proceed in the future. We grow as a person.

Evolving is when we have experience, when we have been places and done things. We may start out as a lawyer but realize that our dream is to be a pastry chef. There is nothing wrong with this: sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what it is that we really want to be.

We change, evolve and grow every day- whether intentionally or not. That’s part of the life cycle: we get older we see things differently. That’s natural. It’s authentic

Intentionally saying you are A, when you are actually B is the issue. If you really don’t like skiing, don’t tell the guy you meet at a party that you need to ski like you need air to breathe- you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t say what you think someone wants to hear: say what you mean, what you feel.

Be you. As the saying goes, everyone else is taken.

55 thoughts on “Different…But How”

  1. This is truth of life..As time goes by…we tend to evolve with our choices, tastes, preferences, habits and in many other aspects…And I think this is how it should be…Otherwise being same whole our lives would be so boring and it would mean we did nothing, learnt nothing in our life..

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  2. Absolutely. Your examples are spot on. Life circumstances can cause changes too. My husband was an active sports participant. I knew that and actually scheduled our wedding and honeymoon around his various softball and bowling leagues. Since he hurt his back in 2009 and has not been able to do any of those things, a major shift in his attitude and behaviors have occurred. It has been a challenge for both of us to navigate those changes and stay together. Definitely not bait and switch.

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    2. Glad to hear there is someone out there that planned there wedding around softball season! People look at me when I tell them and shake their head. My husband is and always will be an athlete, yes it has been scaled back after 2 knee operations and 3 shoulder operations, but it is a part of him that will never change. He loves coaching and this has helped with the aging athlete. I guess we were really honest when we started dating and showed our true selves. Making yourself into something that you are not in order to be with someone is short sighted and will backfire. Again I think it all goes to intent.

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  4. Relationships fail for a variety of reasons but usually the reasons are that attitudes, likes, opinions or interests change as we evolve. Relationships continue to work if the partners recognize, respect and support those changes. If they find they can’t things slowly begin to fall apart. The person who told you he hasn’t changed in 40 years is probably wrong. He may not recognize it But no one is the same after forty years in their attitudes or thinking. In the words of Bob Dylan, “I was so much older than, I’m younger than that now.” Change is inevitable.

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    1. What do they say…the only constant is change…for that guy…he’s still living in a fifties sit com, so he hasn’t changed for the better..😆… but yes…evolution is good!

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  6. People who evolve/change and know it are cool. People who refuse to evolve/change and know it are tolerable. But the people who don’t realize or accept that they’ve evolved/changed are the ones who tire me with their lack of self-awareness. 😒

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  7. I became a pro football fan after realizing that’s how my husband wanted to spend most Sunday afternoons. I think we often evolve to accommodate some of our spouse’s interests. Otherwise, why bother being married?

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    1. I think different people have different ways of maintaining balance. My husband is a college football fan (which happened only about ten years ago) I ask him at the beginning if the season when he’s watching and I make alternate plans at those times. Everyone has their tolerance and comfort level. There are other things we do together…football just isn’t one of them

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      1. That’s cool. I made a conscious decision that I needed to get more into football if I’d ever want to spend a Sunday with him. And I love it now. Sometimes, it’s just easier to give in. But I know it’s not for everyone.

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    2. I tried this with camping. I tried it with early 530am walks. I hate both. I’m going to have to adult up and tell my husband we need new ways of interacting. 🙂 I like LA’s approach but I very much respect that it worked for you. Good for you! I need something like that, too.

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      1. We also played tennis together for years until my joints rebelled. It was a great way of exercising and doing something we loved. If you don’t like the early walks, why not a late morning or afternoon hike on the weekends? I usually hike alone or with friends during the week, but like to walk with him on the weekends with the dog.

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  8. I think it’s normal to try and impress people when you’re new and you don’t know who you are. I totally baited and switched my partner, and vice versa. It’s like you said in your post – we have to love ourselves first to love others. It’s so hard. I’m realizing now at 50 how much low self esteem I have. It’s embarassing to admit it but if I did not I would not work so hard with not many results. Today, to counter act this and in a radical attempt at self love, I took the day off and finished my pilot. It was, to get back to your point, a bit of a bait and switch because I promised my spouse I would work more consistent hours due to our bank account. Was that intentional? No. Life happened. I needed time off. Anyway, that’s my rambling thoughts.

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  9. I find these posts interesting, and they remind me of some old Greek philosopher who droned on and on that change is the only constant. Also, bait and switch might be an adequate description of the behavior if it is intentional from the get go, but I suspect that’s not the case for most people.

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  10. I enjoyed reading through the comments. Interesting how some people change to be more like their partner so they can spend time together. That clearly works for many couples, assuming there’s no feelings of martyrdom. I agree with Andrea, that it’s normal to try to impress your (future) partner, but where is the line between being your best self and bait and switch?
    I think you both need to compromise to keep a relationship strong and happy, but are you willing to lose yourself in the process? And from the other side, what if your partner was attractive to you because of factors that weren’t honestly representative of who they are, like your ski friend, but is the problem that
    * they really don’t love fill-in-the-blank
    * have the financial security that they led you to believe they did
    * want to live or travel in the places you do (but said they did)
    OR is the problem that they were dishonest?

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    1. This topic has way more bones than I originally thought….I’m still thinking it out….next week should be interesting ….as always I have more questions than when I started!

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    2. Chelsea, I would think one of your personality traits is your ability to fit into situations easily. I can’t think that is bad. In fact, it sounds like a wonderful quality to have. It seems to me your partner would have to be a flexible person too. I could be wrong though.

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  12. Is this what the difference is between a good and bad marriage? At least, most of the time? I would think so. Changing/evolving over time is what all life does. Nothing is exempt. If you and your partner accept the changes in each other, and maybe even embrace them, it would stand to reason that the marriage is a good one. On the other hand, if you portrayed yourself as one person to snag your partner and, later, get lazy about putting on the facade, it seems reasonable to think the marriage should have never been.

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  14. And some dreams may not be reachable, and we change, and that’s ok too. I can think of a couple of instances where pathways were deliberately blocked. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to go down those paths. Sadly, I see a lot of bait and switch out there. I do like sitting on bar stools because I’ve met some interesting people that way, but never got a date that way. Recently, I met a con man at the bar, reminding me that we all need to be wary. 🙂

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  15. Bait and switch versus evolution and change and growing older…such a great topic of debate! I know I’ve changed over the years but that authentic me is still in there. But the girl who loved to party, dance etc. gets tired earlier these days. But I could summon the energy if the situation was right…but I’d also have to tell the potential suitor that it wouldn’t be an every weekend sort of thing…or maybe I could be persuaded for a bit – but only a bit! 🙂

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