A few weeks ago I wrote about how I was tired of seeing the uphill positive trajectory of romance on Facebook, but yet never saw the downward slide from the climax. Loving pictures, then cut to cutting partner out of the pictures…

A few of my blogger friends commented that for the sake of family harmony, people shouldn’t berate their spouse on a public platform because their kids might read it… which I agree with…in theory….

Now you’re all thinking- oh no- LA has a theory on something. She’s not actually going to say that it’s ok to publicly fight with your partner, is she?

Well, kinda, sorta, maybe…

  1. I don’t think you should ever be nasty or passive aggressive on a social media platform to anyone
  2.  I do think you need to argue with your spouse so that you’re children are aware that there is an issue, or that you don’t agree on something

Kids need to learn that even adults who love each other sometimes don’t agree, that adults  get mad at one another. And they need to learn how to get past the anger, learn how to compromise, learn how to listen, and learn how to fight fair…

Kids need to learn these skills at home.

If a kid never see’s there parents fight- then they grow up thinking that couples never argue. We all know that couples argue. If a couple gets along 100% of the time, I’d say that one of them is not being authentic at least 50% of the time. So what kind of relationship is a future adult thinks that there will NEVER be angst in a future relationship. I know adults that don’t understand why sometimes they get mad at their partner because their parents always got along. They think that a good relationship equates to agreeing on everything, all the time. You know, like in Fantasyland at Disney…

Conversely, always fighting in front of your children is damaging. Always fighting is not a good representation of model behavior. By always fighting, your child learns that yelling is the only way to resolve conflict. We’ve all seen the byproduct of this behavior as well.

Now we can’t talk about the couple dynamic without discussing passive aggressive behavior: to me, this is the worst way for couples to communicate. Snide innuendos, backhanded compliments, seemingly nice sentences but with so much nuance thrown in that cuts sharper than any stiletto. When you are passive aggressive, what exactly do you think your kids are learning? The passive aggressive fight is the one we’re bound to see on social media platforms…it’s the easiest to “hide”.

So- here’s your assignment: Learn how to fight fair. Don’t blame your partner for things in a hostile way. When they do something that annoys you, try saying when you do X, I feel Y. Realize that not every situation can and should be a compromise. Listen. Communicate. Walk away for a minute if you feel out of control. Think before you speak. Let your kids know that adults sometimes don’t get along. Teach them how to talk out a conflict. Learning how to fight properly is a skill just as important as potty training, throwing a ball, reading, and doing multiplication. We live in a community where we need to get along with others who we may or may not agree with. We need to teach our children how to navigate that world.

And yeah…you don’t need to air all your dirty laundry on facebook…but at least have the courtesy to tell us when you’re getting divorced…

64 thoughts on “You Shouldn’t Say That”

  1. We (just yesterday!) received one of our Christmas cards back in the mail _ “return to sender.” My husband had heard through the grapevine that there had been a divorce. The returned letter was confirmation. Yup- call us old fashioned (no facebook for us)..We still SEND Christmas cards and this is how we find out “what’s app” with our friends..! 😂

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  2. I have started and revised this comment five times, my brain just can’t get it together today. I agree with teaching children how relationship are meant to work. I disagree that it needs to be all over social media.
    A simple relationship status change is helpful to get the word out to friends and followers, but can lead to some pretty in depth questions people just may not be prepared to answer. Especially when their kids are part of that friends and followers group.
    I think it comes down to the etiquette of others, don’t start a public conversation about a private matter. Divorce is horrific, especially when there are children involved. That information doesn’t need to be public knowledge, a private conversation might be a better way to communicate information.
    No matter how one spouse dislikes the other, neither spouse, nor their children should be exposed to the cruelty that can sometimes manifest on social media from people with ‘good intentions’.
    OK this is still scattered and kind of crap, but I’m not going for number 7.
    Thanks for a thought provoking post! ❤

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    1. You should never berate others on social media, but I think you need to state when your separated. My mom sent a holiday card to someone she has a minor relationship with and she addressed it to both parties, only to get a terse letter back that the couple had divorced. The problem is, if the fighting between partners makes it to Facebook, the kids already know how bad things are

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      1. I agree about a status change.
        I also agree about kids knowing when things are bad.
        What I find unacceptable is for kids to be subjected to the hurtful public comments made by friends and family about the parent(s) they love. It’s hard enough for your family to change without more people you love and trust shit talking your parent(s)
        I feel like this goes back to everyone minding their own business, and treating each other with respect.

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      2. Totally agree. You have to mitigate what your kids hear and see. It’s all about being respectful even though you disagree…but I guess I’ve said a mouthful with that statement

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      5. Robyn, I think you’ve done an excellent job saying what I wanted to share. Thank you. I’d like to add that the internet is forever, and even if you delete a post, someone may have screenshot it.
        Of course children need to see arguments and how to fight fair in real life so that they can have a model for adulthood. A Facebook or other social media post does nothing to accomplish this. It also invites people to weigh in when their opinions have no baring on the situation. An example: when someone I know was moving away from where their 17 year old daughter lived, a “friend” who was a stranger to the daughter commented, “You’re ruining her life and you’ll lose your daughter forever if you go through with this.” Seriously! How did she think this was a helpful comment? I advised delete the comment and block this toxic person.

        Also, if you are close enough to the couple or 1/2 of the couple, you probably know they’re splitting up without a change in status. And for the love of Dog, please reach out privately if you have to add your two cents.

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  3. Very valid points when it comes to teaching kids about both the good and the negative aspects of relationships. They have to see both sides to be able to navigate both sides themselves.
    It’s questions and issues such as this, how much do we present to others, that always make me want to go back and set down with my children to get feedback on how they view what I did, and didn’t do as a parent!

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    1. I know! Though before she went to college I asked my daughter where I made mistakes and she said I was too good to her, I gave her a really happy childhood….so you can’t win….

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  4. I wholeheartedly agree on this post! Kids need to see the struggles and then see how people learn to react in a positive way to order to solve problems. We aren’t perfect and we should never project that we are perfect – it’s unrealistic

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  5. Good point. I really dislike when someone puts on social media something with a double entendre and you are not sure if they are speaking of a possible divorce or they are mad at the neighbors or someone they know, including a relative. Why can’t people just call or drop by? It is tacky to talk about a possible divorce or separations on facebook or social media.

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  6. Arguing without name calling and yelling is completely fine. My son once asked me if we were getting divorced because we argued. I explained that when one argue with someone it isn’t because we don’t love them. Social media isn’t the plac to make that argument.

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  7. Interesting that newly divorced people didn’t send out a new address email to update friends. As far as social media goes… During divorce proceedings most attorneys have their clients sign papers stating they will not discuss their divorce on social media. So it is not unusual that couples are restricted as to writing or announcing anything on line. Many businesses also have similar contracts restricting social media use.
    But, I think it’s common courtesy when moving, no matter what the circumstances, that a text or email is sent out. But contracts regarding social media are a different story. They are pretty standard these days. A friend of mine said if she mentioned her spouse on social media- even after they were divorced- she’d lose her alimony. That was part of her specific terms.
    As a teacher you can’t post pics or discuss your students on line without parent consent and a media release form. So most school contracts restrict what is said on social media sites while working for the school board. Also my contract had teachers sign social media restrictions. So who knows what people going through a divorce might not be allowed to do publicly or on line.
    Just something to think about….

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    1. That’s a good point about what you actually can say. But we need to have a social media boiler plate statement that simply says you’ve parted ways amicably…sometimes it’s hard to remember who you’ve told and who you havent

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  8. Totally agree that kids need to witness healthy conflict. I rarely saw my parents disagree on anything and certainly never saw anything I would class as conflict. I then tried to emulate this in my own marriage thinking that’s how a good marriage worked and you’re right that I was not being authentic at least 50% of the time. I bit my lip and held my tongue to keep the peace. When hubby and I almost split up it came as a shock to my kids because they had never seen any sign of conflict.
    I also agree that people shouldn’t berate or post passive aggressive comments on social media. It doesn’t help anyone or anything and just makes things even more difficult for friends and family who then feel they have to choose sides or something along those lines.

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  11. I’m not sure I agree about kids seeing parents fight. Disagreements and discussions are normal. But how much is too much? I grew up with parents who always formed a united front. My mother and father didn’t always agree but they let my siblings and I know they would always make United decisions and to never try to play one parent against the other…. which we did at first because my mom was stricter. However, Early on my brother and sister and I learned that whatever we wanted we’d ask, they’d privately discuss and then come back and give us their decision. They always were united. It was a nice way to grow up. I was married twice. First marriage didn’t last long so I made all decisions myself. My ex and I were friendly and to this day my 46 year old son has a good relationship with us both. My Second husband died at age 55 from cancer. My younger son saw us agree and disagree. But I if we were in a real disagreement I wouldn’t have involved my children. I just don’t think that’s appropriate nor do I think it’s appropriate for couples to fight on social media. I don’t need to know anyone else’s business. They can get a therapist if they need to. Social media isn’t the place to air their dirty laundry. Children can grow up and make educated decisions on relationships if they have good role models and a positive self image. As a teacher I’ve seen too many fighting parents shatter children’s self concept. I say keep the kids out of any adult stuff. They need to be kids, not mom or dads best friends.

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    1. I totally agree on the United front as far as parenting ….you don’t want divide and conquer…but that’s parenting. In my house it’s me making the call and my husband just agreed (it was our own division of labor) but kids need to learn conflict resolution. And learn that we all argue. The goal is to have a healthy argument…no name calling…being rational…not bringing up past fights…and using the right language

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  12. I think with social media there is a tendency to make sure the hedges look Better Homes and Garden perfect. It’s understandable that most peeps would want to present their best sides. But like you said, it’s okay . . and smart, to keep things real. Problem is, the dynamic with posting to social media platforms is the same one you see on most reality TV shows. As soon as the camera goes on, it usually ceases to be real because people behave differently when they know the camera is on.

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  13. I don’t usually care about what anyone says on social media enough to get angry about it. Of course, I’m not on FB that seems to be hyper-personal. As for fighting in public, we used to travel with a couple who were constantly disagreeing about something. Made for tedious days with them and I didn’t like it. They’re divorced now, so maybe it caught up with them!

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  14. One really important thing for kids to see when it comes to parents arguing is how they handle the aftermath of the argument. Both my Hubby and I have spent time after arguments talking to the kids about why and apologizing where it is needed, especially in situations of misunderstanding. It is all about them seeing what a healthy relationship looks like and that their parents are human and can make mistakes and own up to them when they do.

    That said, taking an argument to something like social media really does not make sense to me. Most people on any social media platform are connected to so many people, many only acquaintances or even total strangers and that whole herd mentality/echo chamber comes into play. Suddenly an argument between two people, blows up into something so much bigger and mostly unnecessary. I have no problem looking to friends to get feedback about a situation that you aren’t sure about or even just to vent, but dragging those issues in front of so many other people makes me question the person’s motive as I just can’t see anything positive that comes out of those situations.

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    1. I’m wary of all the things we put on social media, and the why. I will talk about my husband and daughter, but not really to shame them, but more to get advice, illustrate a point, or to show that we all have issues sometimes

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  15. Similar to Ally Bean, I have some friends who bicker ALL the time – it’s part of what makes them tick as a couple. It’s hard to be around them – so I am not. I can say, when she posts about him on FB, she makes it sound like he is her savior. Makes me want to puke – lol. If people only knew. To her benefit, at least they don’t fight on FB!

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  16. Sparked another comment storm I see. Two points in this post – transparency in that marriage is not a disney movie, plus the other side which shows adults can argue and resolve differences. Second is a simple update on Facebook without details.
    I agree with both, the second one especially. However honesty and transparency is not an option for some people it seems.

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  17. I have a few “friends” on Facebook who suddenly appear with brand new spouses out of the blue…..always puzzling.

    Saw a puzzling post by my husband’s niece on FB about a new apartment. I said it meant she was divorcing…he said it did not. I was right.

    I rarely post anything on social media about my husband, partly because he doesn’t do social media at all.

    As for arguing..there was a lot of arguing and conflict in my house growing up. I have tried to avoid a lot of that. I think my kids see a healthier dynamic with me and my husband, but I think my kids do some reading between the lines with what we don’t say.

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    1. The disappearing spouses is really annoying me. I had at least three people leave their partners with no notice. I think if you post during relationship, you need to post that you’ve separated

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  19. With more experience than I wish to have this post was interesting.
    I don’t think social media is the place for airing relationship crap. But, the love sick stuff of middle aged then suddenly nothing to mid life crisis new car pictures or new love picture without some idea of what is going on is wrong too.
    I hate FB!!!! Can I say that? Yup. Not a fan, have had people start family crap with a FB post that was in the heat of the moment. To public.
    I am all for healthy discussion for kids to learn compromise and problem resolving. I also think that although many say it is unhealthy I have kids understand exactly how you feel in a divorce situation. Not to choose sides but so they understand the emotion behind what you say and do during conflicts. I have some less than proud moments in front of my kids but one thing is sure they knew where I stood!

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    1. I’m a believer in honesty for kids, they’re often savvy enough to get that something is off, lying and avoiding takes up too much energy, and you begin to give coping tools

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    1. Yup. I thunk it saves embarrassment, but only if your partner have been ever present on your social media outlet. Sort of, if you walk into a room, you need to walk out if it too

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