On Sunday afternoon, I went to see a documentary about a journalist and her Doctor husband in Aleppo. As Janie put it, not the lightest fair for a weekend afternoon. When I returned home, my Husband asked how it was.

“Interesting…yet depressing” I remarked as I hung up my scarf and coat.

“Well…it’s not getting better.” He started. “Did you hear about Kobe?”

“No….” I said

“Dead”

I took in way more air than any intake of breath should. “What, how…”

“Helicopter crash…”

And I sat in my favorite brown chair, it bringing me no comfort that day,  I looked at the ESPN laden TV and just stared.

What was it about this death that just floored us? My Mom called, friends texted, daughter sent me a sad face…

I remembered hearing about him as a high school phenom, taking Brandy to his prom. The story of why he was named Kobe. His career.

I debated whether I wanted to write about him. Along with the accolades, there were also other things in his life… do I write about someone who may or may not have done something (and for the record- unless you were in the room that day, I don’t want opinions on what happened)

So I debated….do I write about someone who had controversy along with his name?

Then I thought about how I would want to be remembered. Would I want to be remembered for the worst thing I ever did? The stupidest? And believe me, I have made some very bad mistakes in my life. Conversely, would I want to be remembered by the very best things that I did? Those stand out moments?

Do I want to be remembered by the outliers?

No.

I do not want to be remembered by the things that I did that were on the opposite ends of the good/bad scale.

I want to be remembered for the aggregate. I want to be remembered for how I acted the vast majority of the time- That I was mainly a good person, who was flawed, as all of us are, but on the whole, I did more good than bad.

And that is how I choose to remember Kobe.

Intellect. Athlete. Competitor. Father. Girldad.

Because at the end of the day, a couple of parents and coaches, and some amazing children were lost in a tragic accident while on their way to a youth sporting event.

Just parents taking their kids to their game…

As many of us have done, or still do…

That is what I will remember…

That is what I will mourn…

Recently  I spent a lot of time telling people what to do.

Bad LA.

As I often point out- no one tells you what to do.

I gave a few stern lectures about how we shouldn’t negate our friends feelings- yet- after all my high handed conversation, I found myself doing just that- I found myself negating their feelings.

But…

This time…

I realized what I was doing…

Cue the beautiful sunrise and chorus of the angels as I came to a realization…

I stopped before I spoke (or in this case typed as conversations were via text or email) And just for the record, those who know me IRL know I NEVER THINK BEFORE I SPEAK- so this alone was a cause for celebration…

One of my besties was complaining about her saggy face. I was about to tell her that the only saggy thing was perhaps her brain, but I…

stopped

I took a moment

and I responded:

“I understand that you feel that way. I know that it makes you upset to see that gravity may not be your friend. What would you like to do about it?”

Instead of putting her on the defensive, or making her feel invalidated by my comments of what are you complaining about– I took her side.

Sidebar: you should support your friends unless they are doing something incredibly dangerous to their well being, or someone else’s…

And she talked out her feelings a little, we laughed (ok- it was email- I assumed she was laughing by the insouciant comments) and I don’t know about her- but I felt better afterward. We then went on to discuss This is Us….

Most of the time, when our friends complain about something, they just want to be heard. So hear them.

Don’t jump in with a solution

Don’t tell them they’re crazy

Listen to them.

Ask them if you can help

Ask questions to make them think about their statement

Just Listen to Them

Check your own feelings, ideas and notions at the door- let your friend/partner/family/whatever say what they need to say without judgement.

Be present and open and listen…

And yeah- I’m telling you what to do again…..I’ll work on that next….

Last weekend, one of my BFF’s sent our group a photo taken back in 1987. When I first looked at the photo my feeling was gratitude- the four of us are still in pretty constant contact with one another (text chains- long, amazing, gratifying text chains). But my second thought was to compare 1987 me with 2020 me…

Yeah- that’s not a good road to go down.

So I quickly realigned my thoughts to the good, happy, these are my friends for life thoughts…

Alas, the thought of me and my younger days brought about another thought: A few years ago, another college pal, a guy asked me:

“Back in the day were you upset that your best friend was super attractive and all the guys liked her?’

My best friend was, and still is super attractive. And she has about the best personality- fun and adventurous and really the best college best friend possible, as well as lifelong friend.

But essentially, my friend was asking if I was envious of having a great looking friend.

Which means, did I often compare myself to her.

Can you see where I’m going with this?

As many stated yesterday, people compare themselves to others. We just do it: it’s human nature.

But…

How quickly does comparing yourself to another lead you to the dark side?

If I really stared at the picture of myself a million years ago, I probably could have gotten depressed that I don’t look like that anymore. In fact, I was bemoaning that to a friend yesterday who reminded me that I took care of myself and was still attractive, so there…(friends reel you back in when you start to go to the dark side)

But instead of comparing myself to 23 year old me, I looked at the Brightside of the friendship. I laughed because one of the girls in the picture still has the same earrings that she wore back then. I thought, I am so lucky to have these amazing women in my life. Today I am buying ink so that I can print out a copy of the pic to place on my desk…

When you compare yourself to another (or a younger version of yourself), you highlight that you are either better than them, or worse than them.

Why do you need to be better or worse than someone else?

How much of your self esteem is tied to being better or worse than another person?

Many high schools have gotten rid of class rank, because students comparing themselves to others was becoming a real problem. My daughter’s school did not announce the actual valedictorian until the day of graduation. They compared and contrasted and competed with one another as it was: if there was an actual rank they would have driven themselves crazy trying to be number one instead of doing all the wonderful things that they did.

Comparing may be human nature, but we need to be careful of this road. Wishing to have what others have, be what others are, is eventually going to make you feel bad about yourself. If you are constantly keeping up with the Jones Family or the Kardashian family, or any family, when are you doing what makes YOU truly happy? Is comparing yourself to others the best way to spend your energy?

If I dwelled that my best friend was more attractive then me, compared myself to her,  I would have resented her. I might not have hung out with her. And that would have been a great loss in every way.

We need to make sure we don’t live in Compareland. We need to play down the comparisons and play up our own natural attributes. Let’s face it, there is always going to be someone more attractive, successful, smarter, better writer…and there’s always going to be someone who is less attractive, less successful, less smart…. But we can’t live our lives off this particular currency. We need to live our lives being the best that we can be.

The people I know who lead the least satisfying lives are ones that tend to spend their time comparing themselves to others. Envious of their brand new shiny white kitchen. Jealous that there husband is home at 6pm every night. They spend their energy wishing they were someone else, have someone else’s objects or attributes, instead of focusing on what would make their life better. They are living life externally. They see something and they want it. But they don’t really think about working on themselves internally.

Your homework today is to consciously think about when and why you compare yourself to another. If seeing someone with a really great tennis serve inspires you to take a lesson, or practice more, than go with it. This is the good side of comparison: seeing what someone else has or does and let it inspire you to do better in a positive way. If comparing your body to the curvaceous woman/ripped guy you see at the gym makes you feel bad about yourself, or makes you hate the person, consider what comparing is doing to your self esteem. Do you need something else to make you feel bad about yourself?

Maybe you can’t control your thoughts: but you can work on your reactions to them.

I often said the wrong thing- wake up, shut up, grow up. These are the wrong thing to say when people are sad about some minor cruelty or sentimental incident. Denise Mina “Conviction”

Who says you can’t get insight from a fictional, psychological thriller?

I read this quote last week, and it sort of jibed with everything that I had been thinking and experiencing. I had a lousy week, yet there were a bunch of people who would line up to tell me that I was wrong to feel this way. I have so much more than other people. OR That no one should ever have bad days, we should all adjust our mindset to just dismiss them entirely…

I call BULLSHIT on that…

No one has the right to tell anyone how they should feel.

I’m going to repeat that so you get how emphatic I would be if you were standing next to me:

NO ONE

HAS THE RIGHT

TO TELL ANOTHER PERSON

HOW OR WHAT THEY SHOULD BE FEELING

The most personal thing we have are our feelings- our feelings are ours and ours alone. To tell someone that there feelings are wrong, it essentially telling them that they, as an individual, are wrong.

To tell someone to just think positive, or act happy, or brush it away because it doesn’t matter means you are negating the person’s ability to express emotion. You are telling them that positive emotions are the only ones we should ever feel…and you’re setting them up for a lifetime of disappointment. If the expectation is that we are supposed to be positive 100% of the time, the majority are going to be depressed 50% of the time because they will think that soemthing is wrong with them. How dare they not be happy? How dare someone doesn’t always see the rainbow? The pot of gold?

Take adversity and throw it away.

Positive people are postive all the time and that’s the way to be…

Sorry- that’s cult mentality.

But for a moment- let’s cut to the other side of this coin: the people who say- You should be happy because there are others much less fortunate than you.

I want you to think about this: If you say that there are others less fortunate than you, you are comparing.

Never compare your life to someone else’s. The grass is always greener, keeping up the Jones/Kardashian clans are bad for your mental health because you will never be content with what you have. You will always feel less.

Conversely, always looking at others and saying I’m more fortunate than them is pretty much saying- Wow- I am so much better than they are. They are inferior. I am superior. Because, let’s face it- you’re saying that you should be happy because you are not them…

We all have emotions. Good ones and not so good ones. That’s a fact. The trick is to learn how to DEAL with the myriad emotions that we all face. The goal shouldn’t be to pretend that we never feel anything negative. The goal should be to learn how to deal with the negative emotions in a positive way.

One of the greatest lessons we can teach our kids is how to deal with the bad things, whether they be as small as getting a bad grade on a test, or as large as losing someone you love. It’s our old friend resilience again… Don’t tell your kids to smile, or be happy. Don’t say to them- well, I don’t know what you’re mad about, look at all the stuff you have. Don’t say that they have it much better than you had it as a kid (comparing again)

Tell your kids that mad, sad, angry are ok. Blah is ok.

Then teach them healthy ways to deal with it. Physical activity. Creative project. Read a book or watch a show with a character that feels the same way…

Don’t tell someone that there feelings aren’t valid. All feelings are valid. The only thing not valid is telling someone that they’re not.

If you read my blog over the weekend, you learned two things about me:

1. I had a yucky week, where I felt like Charlie Brown when Lucy keeps taking the football away as he’s about to kick
2. My week was filled with outings with friends and husband, art, film, books and outrageous food- all my favorite things

Sometimes, even when you have everything that you love right there, you can still have a lousy week.

Now, there are people out there that will tell you that you have nothing to feel bleh about: you have what you need. Which is a great sentiment…for them….maybe…

It’s OK to have a crappy week and hold yourself a teeny tiny pity party, little violin included…

You hear me?

Every now and the, it’s OK to let yourself wallow a little.

I am giving you permission to take an occasional Self Pity Day….

Self Care is the term du jour. It beats you over the head with special sections in book stores. It crowds the posts on Purewow and BuzzFeed. Pinterest is just one big self care journal…The goal is to take care of YOU- make sure YOU come first…healthy mind, healthy everything else… Have spa days,read a book, journal. etc. Do things to take care of you. And I am good with all of this. I have books staring at me from my desk that are all about taking care of me: Calm, Simple Abundance, Page a Day Journal…etc. I put self care in my planner…

But even with the books and the journals and the vision boards…the colored pens and relaxing music and comfy chairs…the museums and concerts and outings…

I can still feel like the world is mocking me…

You know what?

Sometimes the world is mocking me. Sometimes the world is mocking you. Sometimes life just stinks…

And we need to know that it’s OK to have a bad day, or a bad week.

It’s OK to accept your negative thoughts and just say- yeah- life sucks.

but…

even though I’m giving you permission to wallow in your misery, I’m also telling you that after a few days, you need to put on your big kid pants and just get on with life.

You can’t let self pity define you.

Sunday nights I close out my week, and begin to think about the week ahead. I also try to close out any negativity that I might be harboring- because face it, where there is good there is bad- so I can start the week off on a good note.

The bad week is gone. My time to wallow is over. I’m going to try to right the wrongs of last week…

Allow yourself to feel, no matter what the feeling is. Self care is not thinking that life is always positive. Self care is accepting that we are multi faceted and have many emotions, and it is learning to accept and deal with those emotions in a healthy way. Self care means taking care of the authentic you: not just the good, but the bad as well…

Self care days and self pity days go hand in hand. It’s all about balance. If you don’t accept the not so good days, if you try to push them away and hide them, you’re not really taking care of yourself. You’re hiding those feelings instead of dealing with them. Don’t let your bad thoughts be like those items you throw in the back closet: if you keep throwing stuff in that closet, one day it’s just going to explode. It’s not great when it happens in a storage unit: it’s really bad when that storage unit is your mind…

Good and bad. Accept it. It’s OK.

Just a bomb…

Tea Book Club- But I also buddy read the book with Rekha- my first buddy read and it was awesome! Highly recemend buddy reads

Took my husband to very, very slow movie. This was his reward: Nutella Crepe (i don’t normally go to “name” stores, but this was too good to pass up…)

Grey Gallery NYU- Omar El-Nagdi

Street Art Chelsea

One of my favorite movie theaters

Renovation…

These basketball courts have a cult like status in NYC

Because sometimes you get live music in the park

Walk this way

Flagship under renovation

The temp space

street art chelsea

This book….

book club

My book club pal gifted me…

Cacio e pepe pasta- Pasta Eater

How they prep cacio e pepe

Restaurant Week- La Pecora Bianca

When in NYC- This is pronounced How-Ston…NEVER You-ston

Just a miserable film

Honeyland- nominated for Best Doc and Best Foreign- I thought it was slow- husband thought time stopped…

On another note- I am intrigued by all the 20/20 challenges that are being done…so I decided to do monthly 20/20 challenges (total FOMO) So, as I only came up with this this week, I chose to watch 20 movies in January as I have my own personal goal to see as many Oscar nominated movies as possible…I’ll tell you next week how I did…

Ok- this week had quite a few downs, and when you have a few it becomes really hard to find positives among the negatives. Stiff neck, insurance woes (homeowners), husband sick, yogagate, misunderstandings….bleh…

But I WILL find gratitude….

OK- I am most grateful for realizing that my gym pants had a hole in the crotch before I went to yoga…. (can you imagine a bridge- ugh)…

And to piggyback…

I am grateful that Old Navy had 50% off on athletic wear…

Namaste…

I joined Instagram a year ago, but I never really found my stride. This year I decided I would do a photo challenge: the one I found has a weekly theme. This has been a lot of fun so far. I am a hands on person: I learn by doing not from reading (which is sort of ironic because I read so much, one would think I’m a learner via that conduit but who knows how the brain works, especially mine…) so I’m starting to understand how this whole photography thing works…(kinda, sorta)

But anyway…

Instagram challenge. So I followed the hashtags that the challenge coordinator wants to use, which has brought me a few new followers, who I in turn have followed.

Fine.

But here’s the thing. Most people are content just “liking” someone’s pictures, with the occasional public comment about how pretty or cool or whatever adjective sums up the picture…

But occasionally…

Do men (or women- let’s have equality in this moment)  assume that woman who post pictures on the instagram want to be chatted up in a Dm- or IM- or whatever private messages are called?

So I received a private message last week on insta from someone who followed me (OK- when you say you have followers it does sound sort of weird and cultish and I have Eyes Wide Shut visions all of a sudden).

And some random guy sent a how are you message followed by a what’s up message.

Ok- that’s nice, but he gave me no indication that he knows my from the blog, so I ignored it. Not that I’m anti friend making, but I usually choose my friends based on some mutual interest, and both of us posting pics on Instagram is not quite enough of a common denominator.

The next day I was on insta posting a pic and he sent me another message, the emoji for writing, (ok really- are we twelve or cavemen? Just write the words…)

And I ignored him again.

So my fellow bloggers and instagrammers, what is the proper protocol for handling a person who private messages you when you have no interest in following them back?

Do you:

1. respond playfully
2. respond tersely
3. ignore
4. unfollow
5. block the person

And the greater question:

Why do people start conversations with strangers online. especially a vehicle like Instagram which is all about the pictures? (or…is that the draw- he figures if I post a picture about lines, I’ll eventually post pictures of my lines?)

Does he really think a writing emoji is going to turn me on so much I’ll start to scribe dirty little somethings?

Do you ever just “say hi” to someone on a social media platform with no reference to anything posted? Like, no comment about a blog, or picture, or comment?

If someone randomly messages you, do you respond?

What is the protocol, the etiquette for these situations that Emily Post never dreamed of?

on a funny side note, I went to my Instagram to get the exact thing he messaged me, but he already unfollowed me…there you go…I guess he wanted to know what was behind the camera more than what I posted. Shocking…

When I was younger, my Mother bought me etiquette books (if you knew my family you’d understand how this was sort of ironic, but sort of necessary) I don’t remember what mine was called, but I clearly remember my sister being gifted “Tiffany’s Table Manner for Teens” (again- if you knew my sister you would find this laughable…)

There used to be a certain code- a certain way of doing things. Recently one of my blog friends (sorry- can’t remember who I should be crediting) wrote about how hand written  thank you notes were a thing that you were just supposed to do… Of course there’s the no elbows on the table, a gentleman stands when a lady stands from the table, etc.

No one seems to pay attention to any of these conventions anymore.

Is the world a better or worse place for this? Or does it not matter at all?

But, for arguments sake, let’s say that etiquette rules DO matter. And maybe the place we need them most is on social media.

so…

Let’s brainstorm!!!!!

What should be the social media rules of etiquette?

1. No cell phones at the table unless you’ve clearly stated a good reason why the call you may receive is vital
2.  No texting when you are amid conversation with another
3. No posting photos of anyone without their permission
4. No derogatory remarks about anyone you know, especially partners
5. No passive aggressive comments in regards to anything
6. No opinions unless specifically asked for opinion
7. Unless you know something is a definite danger, no comments that might take away enjoyment of others
8. NO SPOILERS UNLESS YOU CLEARLY STATE FIRST THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO GIVE SOMETHING AWAY
9. Share the moment you are experiencing because you think it’s wonderful, not to incite envy of others (which means- do you really need to post 50 pics of the same spot on the beach, when a few will do)
10. Be mindful of the posts exclaiming the virtues of your current partner- less is more
11. The internet lasts FOREVER. Be mindful that one day your grandchildren are going to be able to access those photos of spring break 2020, as are your future in laws, future partner, and future employers
12. If you have broken off a relationship that has been public online, you need some sort of boiler plate comment that you are no longer with that person- first off, it saves embarrassment if you run into someone you know casually and they innocently bring up your ex. Secondly, if you are looking for a potential new mate, remember, they will see you social media history- let them know that you are as graceful an ex as you were a partner. If you loved someone and the relationship is no longer intact, have the decency to kindly state that the relationship is no more and there are no hard feelings (even if there were- the internet is not the place to air dirty laundry
13. You don’t need to share everything, but once it’s out there, expect that it will come back to haunt you

So what do we think of these? Any you would omit? Clarify? Add?

What do you think the social media code of conduct should be?

I realize that I have told stories about my family that may or may not show them in a good light. But my blog is not my personal social media page. This blog is an outlet for me to share things that happen to me, the good and the bad, in hopes of furthering communication and showing that we’re all more alike than we realize, yet we are all unique individuals I think there is a big difference in how we diseminate information.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I was tired of seeing the uphill positive trajectory of romance on Facebook, but yet never saw the downward slide from the climax. Loving pictures, then cut to cutting partner out of the pictures…

A few of my blogger friends commented that for the sake of family harmony, people shouldn’t berate their spouse on a public platform because their kids might read it… which I agree with…in theory….

Now you’re all thinking- oh no- LA has a theory on something. She’s not actually going to say that it’s ok to publicly fight with your partner, is she?

Well, kinda, sorta, maybe…

1. I don’t think you should ever be nasty or passive aggressive on a social media platform to anyone
2.  I do think you need to argue with your spouse so that you’re children are aware that there is an issue, or that you don’t agree on something

Kids need to learn that even adults who love each other sometimes don’t agree, that adults  get mad at one another. And they need to learn how to get past the anger, learn how to compromise, learn how to listen, and learn how to fight fair…

Kids need to learn these skills at home.

If a kid never see’s there parents fight- then they grow up thinking that couples never argue. We all know that couples argue. If a couple gets along 100% of the time, I’d say that one of them is not being authentic at least 50% of the time. So what kind of relationship is a future adult thinks that there will NEVER be angst in a future relationship. I know adults that don’t understand why sometimes they get mad at their partner because their parents always got along. They think that a good relationship equates to agreeing on everything, all the time. You know, like in Fantasyland at Disney…

Conversely, always fighting in front of your children is damaging. Always fighting is not a good representation of model behavior. By always fighting, your child learns that yelling is the only way to resolve conflict. We’ve all seen the byproduct of this behavior as well.

Now we can’t talk about the couple dynamic without discussing passive aggressive behavior: to me, this is the worst way for couples to communicate. Snide innuendos, backhanded compliments, seemingly nice sentences but with so much nuance thrown in that cuts sharper than any stiletto. When you are passive aggressive, what exactly do you think your kids are learning? The passive aggressive fight is the one we’re bound to see on social media platforms…it’s the easiest to “hide”.

So- here’s your assignment: Learn how to fight fair. Don’t blame your partner for things in a hostile way. When they do something that annoys you, try saying when you do X, I feel Y. Realize that not every situation can and should be a compromise. Listen. Communicate. Walk away for a minute if you feel out of control. Think before you speak. Let your kids know that adults sometimes don’t get along. Teach them how to talk out a conflict. Learning how to fight properly is a skill just as important as potty training, throwing a ball, reading, and doing multiplication. We live in a community where we need to get along with others who we may or may not agree with. We need to teach our children how to navigate that world.

And yeah…you don’t need to air all your dirty laundry on facebook…but at least have the courtesy to tell us when you’re getting divorced…