A few months ago my sister was in town with my eight year old niece.  We were talking about the college experience, as this was weeks before my daughter set sail. The conversation went something like this:

Sister: As long as you don’t join a sorority you’ll be fine. Sorority girls are all two faced and nasty and will stab you in the back. My ex husband was in a frat and whenever we met up with his college friends those girls were always mean to me. Every sorority girl I ever met was horrible.To my niece she said You will never join a sorority.

To be clear, on a political scale, my sister is far left….you can’t get much farther left. So this particular statement sort of stopped me. When her daughter was off with my daughter I asked her:

Me: What happens if you replace sorority with Jew? Or black? Or Finnish? Are those the statements you ever want your daughter to make about an entire group?

We all make generalizations and stereotypes.

We. All. Do.

If we don’t want group A to be stereotyped, then we conversely can’t stereotype group B.

We have to be really careful about the messages that we send our children. They pick up our bad habits just as easily as they pick up our good ones.

Before you make a blanket statement using “never” or “all” consider what you’re grouping together- are they really all the same? I’d like to say that all chairs have four legs. but I’ve seen three legged chairs…

There are many ways to form an opinion: here are some options that I’m pretty sure many people practice:

Remember- you get to choose ONE:

1. Read one article
2. Watch one news report
3.  read a tweet
4. Read a retweet
5. Read a newspaper article over someone’s shoulder, but miss the end because they left wherever you are
6. Listen in on another conversation
7. Only think about one side of an issue
8. Watch one TV station and take what they say as indisputable
9.  Listen to same podcast with same writer, director and researcher

How to Have an Argument:

1. Make a claim you read or heard about somewhere
2.  Repeat as many catch phrases as you can
3. Refuse to consider hard data on subject that negates your opinion
4.  Assume you are right
5. Assume the other person is wrong
6.  Don’t actually listen to the other person speak, instead, when they are speaking, prepare in your head what you will say next
7.  Don’t answer any questions that they ask- divert to what you know
8.  Resort to statistics that were compiled by your neighbor’s cousin’s dog groomer
9.  Assume that the person you are arguing with is stupid

Conclusion:

1. Keep a narrow focus
2.  Incite negativity
3. Soundbites are your friend
4. You know everything
5. There are now twenty ways to describe your gender and sexuality, yet only one true opinion or side to any subject

As we are amidst the holiday season, we are bound to gather in groups. Many of these groups will contain members who have differing opinions.

NO ONE SIDE IS COMPLETELY RIGHT OR COMPLETELY WRONG– the vast majority is in the grey (I knew some analysts that would tell you that 1+1 isn’t necessarily 2, which might explain the crisis of 2008, but shows that really anything is debatable)

But I’m sure if you remember my tips, you’ll have a lovely gathering….

Where were we?

Oh yeah…happiness…and all it entails…

But as we are now mid December, with but a few weeks left in the DECADE, I’m going to play around little with what remains of 2019, and I’ll push back happiness to 2020, when everyone is forgetting about their resolutions…

This week I’m going to sprout about some things that have bothered me lately, and then I will segue into very light and easy posts as we all celebrate in the festivities of the season.

So today I will tell you about yesterday-

Husband and I went to see his Father. I’ll just relay part of the conversation:

Father in Law: Asks about daughter in college

Me: She’s in the home stretch. She has a paper due tomorrow that she wants to run something past me

Father in law: Yeah- when she gets her diploma it will have both your names on it

Me: That’s very disparaging towards your granddaughter (and honestly I was quite calm when I said this)

FIL: What? You’re so sensitive…it was a joke…can’t you take a joke- huff huff huff

Me: Your implication is that I’m doing the work for her

FIL: Well, I remember my wife working of my daughters works and…

I cut him off…

Me: I’m not your wife and she is not your daughter and she works incredibly hard and to say anything other is not nice.

Of course, husband was shooting me death looks and mouthing “Stop it.”

So, let’s dissect:

1. Was his comment funny?
2. Was I over sensitive?
3. Was I right to say something, or should I have left it alone?
4. Should my husband have admonished me for speaking my mind?

This is not the first time my FIL has made a statement like this. My daughter won some award last year and when she told him about it (I think my Husband had texted a picture of her accepting the award) he stated “Oh- I see your Father bought you another award.”

How would you have handled the situation? (muzzling my FIL is an option)

Hi all!

I’ve been feeling less than spectacular this week, so I’m taking a few days off! (Otherwise you’ll just hear me whine about headache and stuffy head). See you soon!

LA

“Never Satisfied”

Cindy said that when her son was in his football days he used to have a sign that said “Never Satisfied”, and it drove her a little crazy…Can someone who is always looking for more ever be happy?

Think about it: if you are always striving, always looking for the next “thing” can you possibly be happy? If nothing ever satisfies you, when do you allow yourself to relax?

Of course, I thought about my favorite high achiever- my daughter when I thought about this topic. My daughter is the kind of person who gets 3rd place in a tournament, smiles and pumps her fist in the air when she hears her name, grins openly for the winners pic, takes the hardware…and immediately thinks about what she could have done better… She’s already thinking about the next tournament as she steps off the platform and walks down the aisle…

Is she happy?

Or does the never satisfied come into play?

As my daughter is a tad busy this week (classes ended yesterday- she’s juggling club celebrations and papers and studying and basketball…) I couldn’t interview her for this piece- I tried but was greeted with an evil sort of laugh… So I’ll give you my interpretation…

She appears to be a regular, happy mainly, content sort of kid. She has friends and pets that she loves. She has ways of blowing off steam- activities that she enjoys. She has balance in her life.

She also has goals. She is rarely satisified with her performance. But she also knows that there is no such thing as perfect. She knows that she is just trying to be the best that she can be on any given day. While the winning matters (who are we kidding-  we all want to WIN) she is completely aware that winning isn’t the only part of the journey. With every ounce of effort that she puts in, she learns a little more. She grows a little more. She becomes more adept at a task…

In most of her classes this semester, the final paper/test grade counts the most. The professors want to see that you have learned throughout the semester- how you started isn’t important- it’s how you finish. What is important is what you picked up along the way…

So are high achievers happy? Who knows? I don’t know how to set up that poll thing on my blog.

But do high achievers have the ability to be happy?

Yes- they just have a different definition of happy than others. Their happiness might be the high of competing, the joy of learning, whatever…it doesn’t matter.

Everyone has the ability to pursue happiness, the ability to figure out what beings them joy…

Everyone has the ability to figure our their definition of happiness and how to achieve it.

“There is only one happiness: to love and be loved.” Tom Cutler

Rachel threw that quote my way yesterday, with the comment “I don’t think it’s true, and yet I like it.” True to form, I started thinking….

I know I just said that a person can’t make you happy. I stand by that proclamation.

But….

Do we need to love and be loved to be happy?

Remember, love can come in many forms- it doesn’t have to be just romantic. There’s love of family: parents, children, siblings. There’s love for your friends.

If we have no one in our lives- how happy are we?

Can we exist without completely and utterly alone?

I would like to say that I live in a state of complete autonomy: but I don’t. Even in its imperfect state, I love my parents and I know they love me. I experienced the ridiculous pounds of love that grandparents lavish on their grandchildren. I have a husband. My daughter. My friends…those nine or so people that I let into my head and my heart…

Let’s not even talk about how much I love my dog and cat…

So do you have to love someone?

Are humans meant to have a human connection with another person?

Maybe we don’t need a specific person: maybe we just need a person or persons.

Can you imagine your life without any love?

“You make me so happy”

I told my daughter that if anyone ever says those words to her she is to run. Just run. Run far and run fast.

You can not make someone happy. You can make them miserable, but you can not make anyone happy.

As Janie commented earlier in the week, happiness comes from inside- no one, and I mean no one can make you happy. They may do things that bring you joy, or make you momentarily happy, but they can’t make you essentially happy…

But what is happiness?

I’ve thrown this word around a lot this week, but we haven’t really defined it. The problem is, it’s one of those indefinable words that means different things to different people. In order to be happy, you have to think about what it is that you want in life.

You.

Personally.

What do you want in life that will make you happy?

For me, happiness is a book (preferably good). Hot, sweet tea. Comfy clothes. Health. A hand to hold (I know this one seems contradictory, but it can be literally any hand- even a mannequin hand). A roof over my head and floors beneath my feet. Fresh delicious food. Music.

I do not look to others for my happiness.

And neither should you.

If you are not happy with yourself, with who you are, it is impossible to be happy with someone else. No one has the key that turns on your inner light- only you do. And remember- telling someone else that they are the reason for your happiness is a lot of pressure. Do you want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness? What does making someone happy even entail? Does it mean you can’t make a mistake? That you need to be perfect? Can anyone ever live up to being an ideal?

If your goal is to be happy, you first need to define what it means to you. Then you just have to do it. But don’t expect someone else to provide you happiness….it’s just not how it works.

Do your own brand of happy….