A few months ago my sister was in town with my eight year old niece. We were talking about the college experience, as this was weeks before my daughter set sail. The conversation went something like this:
Sister: As long as you don’t join a sorority you’ll be fine. Sorority girls are all two faced and nasty and will stab you in the back. My ex husband was in a frat and whenever we met up with his college friends those girls were always mean to me. Every sorority girl I ever met was horrible.To my niece she said You will never join a sorority.
To be clear, on a political scale, my sister is far left….you can’t get much farther left. So this particular statement sort of stopped me. When her daughter was off with my daughter I asked her:
Me: What happens if you replace sorority with Jew? Or black? Or Finnish? Are those the statements you ever want your daughter to make about an entire group?
We all make generalizations and stereotypes.
We. All. Do.
If we don’t want group A to be stereotyped, then we conversely can’t stereotype group B.
We have to be really careful about the messages that we send our children. They pick up our bad habits just as easily as they pick up our good ones.
Before you make a blanket statement using “never” or “all” consider what you’re grouping together- are they really all the same? I’d like to say that all chairs have four legs. but I’ve seen three legged chairs…
Oh my! That is really not the sort of message children should be getting from adults. Sad to hear about, LA.
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I know! But I’m betting we all do it to a certain degree
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No doubt.
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I consistently have a moment, when I use the words never or always, that I have to pause and make sure it truly applies within the context of whatever it is that I’m referring to. It’s too easy to use terms such as this and then they become generalized across a broader spectrum, rather that’s intentional or not.
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I can understand people’s individual experiences and why they feel the way they do, but generalizations aren’t helpful. Nor are stereotypes. I don’t think that some people realize the power of words – to discredit others or how they may end up discrediting themselves 🙂
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Exactly. I get why people behave certain ways, or think certain things. But….you need to think before you speak, and well, just think
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Thinking seems underrated nowadays 🙂
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Unfortunately
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Your sister could have taken her experience and made it into a learning experience for her daughter. Tell her daughter “this is what my experience was like and the reason why I never joined x” and leave it open for her to make her on decisions.
I’m more and more aware of this option in parenting as we navigate the teen thing. It’s tricky sometimes because we want to protect the kids from crap we experienced ourselves, but that approach, the judgemental way of saying ‘you will never’ is linear thinking and futile anyway. I mean, once they’re old enough to make her own decisions, especially while living away from home, they will do what they want anyway. And should. Guidance, and knowledge that you’re there to help them out if they want or need it, is where it’s at.
Or something. 🙂
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As soon as you tell your kids no or never, they get curious and do it. It’s just carefully stating what you want to and watching your phrasing
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you can say whatever but I still don’t like Brussel Sprouts
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😉
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It is interesting that you are aware of your sister’s habits and traits so well. The other day at the Doctors and my annual visit…I like my doctor so much…and we talk and I mentioned some people whose world views upset me and her advice was to limit my time to them. I think she is right. Sometimes that is the best way to do it. I am sure your daughter is aware that this is her experience and savvy enough to realize her experience may be different.
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I’m most worried about what her daughters picking up on. As parents we need to watch how we phrase things because kids might not get the subtlety.
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Children listen! I’ll be in conversation with my sibling, then say catch a glimpse of my neice sitting quietly texting and lol I just KNOW she’s listening to everything.
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They hear everything! Especially what we don’t want them to
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You’re right: it’s the two- and one-legged chairs that tend to fall over. 😉
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😉
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I firmly believe this as well. I’m not one to use proclamations either, because once you walk down that road, you best stay on it.
You were right to ask that question, because it’s true. As a human being with blood running through my veins, I read or hear something and have an initial reaction. Such as “Another commercial for Apple? Ugh! They suck!”. So of course, I process this into what becomes “Even if I never bought into the fascination, they must be doing something right.”
Tempering your thoughts is like drafting an essay. It allows us to whittle them into a more finished and reasonable product.
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We have to learn to self edit…take 10 seconds and then answer…unless you’re on jeopardy
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Hahaha, so true!
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Superlatives are generally overused and all encompassing. It seems as if this sort of talk has become more prevalent in even everyday conversation. You were right to worry about what your niece took from this interaction. I try to lead by example, I hope it is a good example.
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I try…I hope I succeed 75% of the time
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All good points.
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So true! And a lot of four-legged chairs are different designs and styles. 🙂 Yes, those infamous words “never” and “always”. Avoid them like the plague! lol
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Exactly!😀
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You are so right. People generalize all the time. I’m sure I do as well. Let’s hope your niece is smart enough to brush it off. By the way, I had a great sorority experience and I am definitely not two faced. 😌
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Of course! People are mainly good! We can’t generalize!
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That is one of my pet peeves: generalizations that dismiss whole groups of people we haven’t even met! I hate the idea of “red states” and “blue states,” or almost any kind of label at all…We need to treat people as the individuals that they are, period. I’m glad you picked up on what was really wrong with your sister’s statement, and discussed it late with your daughter. Sorority women, like any other group of women, are actually a very diverse group!
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I am so tired of labels and labeling. It doesn’t do anyone any good!
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You have made an important point and shared it clearly. Thanks for speaking out.
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Thanks
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Very much agree with you here!
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I knew I liked you…
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hehe!
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