Where were we?

Oh yeah…happiness…and all it entails…

But as we are now mid December, with but a few weeks left in the DECADE, I’m going to play around little with what remains of 2019, and I’ll push back happiness to 2020, when everyone is forgetting about their resolutions…

This week I’m going to sprout about some things that have bothered me lately, and then I will segue into very light and easy posts as we all celebrate in the festivities of the season.

So today I will tell you about yesterday-

Husband and I went to see his Father. I’ll just relay part of the conversation:

Father in Law: Asks about daughter in college

Me: She’s in the home stretch. She has a paper due tomorrow that she wants to run something past me

Father in law: Yeah- when she gets her diploma it will have both your names on it

Me: That’s very disparaging towards your granddaughter (and honestly I was quite calm when I said this)

FIL: What? You’re so sensitive…it was a joke…can’t you take a joke- huff huff huff

Me: Your implication is that I’m doing the work for her

FIL: Well, I remember my wife working of my daughters works and…

I cut him off…

Me: I’m not your wife and she is not your daughter and she works incredibly hard and to say anything other is not nice.

Of course, husband was shooting me death looks and mouthing “Stop it.”

So, let’s dissect:

  1. Was his comment funny?
  2. Was I over sensitive?
  3. Was I right to say something, or should I have left it alone?
  4. Should my husband have admonished me for speaking my mind?

This is not the first time my FIL has made a statement like this. My daughter won some award last year and when she told him about it (I think my Husband had texted a picture of her accepting the award) he stated “Oh- I see your Father bought you another award.”

How would you have handled the situation? (muzzling my FIL is an option)

 

 

65 thoughts on “I’m Back…

  1. We had situations like this when my Mom used to say stuff. You must speak up, and your husband must absolutely show his support is with you. Now on lighter stuff as you say – Did you mean “sprout”? and the decade begins in 2021, so we are heading into the end of the decade. Aren’t I a pain?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m Canadian…..most of us are very polite, but I have suffered through many family Christmases trying to ignore these kinds of zingers. It’s actually a relief we don’t get together anymore due to distance.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I do both – lash out or say nothing. It depends on so many things: atmosphere, who is around, mood (mine), hormones (blah)…lol

    I know deep down it would have probably been better to say nothing. Or, say less when answering questions.

    “She’s home”. “She has exams tomorrow”. “She can tell you about it at Xmas”.

    I don’t know. I don’t take my own advice usually either. 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  3. You were correct, both males in the story were totally wrong. I am so glad you spoke out, even though (based on so many of these same types of incidents) that it will all likely happen again… and again…
    Sigh 😦

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Clearly, and so clear that the FIL delights in doing this sort of thing. I’m sorry the husband is unable to take a stand towards his family, and yes- I personally know the issues his reactions cause as well.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. 1. Not funny. 2. Knowing him as you do, you shouldn’t have been surprised; whether overly sensitive or not, I probably would have felt the same way. 3. Seems natural to try and explain yourself. 4. Your husband must know you well enough to predict that you wouldn’t let this pass by. This doesn’t mean he approves or agrees with what his father said but just that he sees no point in discussing it. GOING FORWARD, when you’re forced to spend time with your FIL, you’ll probably want to avoid giving him any openings, like the fact your daughter was going to run something by you for a paper. You shouldn’t have to be careful like this, but that’s how it is. You (and hopefully your husband) know it’s a positive that your daughter still discusses her work with you. It won’t always be that way…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. With my daughter and work, we get into really great conversations based on stuff she learns. For me it’s an intellectual conversation where I learn new things and bat ideas around. She has a thesis and I like to ask her questions about her process…we all know I love to discuss and debate. (She’s way smarter than I am and me doing her work would be three steps back) but it just annoyed me!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t think it was funny and I would have been offended as well. There was a time when I would not have said anything and then been angry at myself all day, (see above Midwestern statement). Now-a-days, I say something when I am offended, maybe not right away, but I get my point across within a few minutes. I had a friend tell me when I turned 50 that turning 50 gives you the right to say what you want and not feel bad about it! She told me people expect 50 year old women to say what they are thinking. Of course she was just joking and trying to show me the benefits of turning 50, but I took this to heart!! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Out of all of this, I’m stuck on why your husband was upset with you for standing up for your daughter. Yes, your FIL was being a jerk and no, it wasn’t funny. I would have had a really hard time holding back any kind of response.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve always tried to be that person myself, but when it comes to my kids… nope! Not happening. I feel so strongly about that stance I often struggle to wrap my brain around any situation where a parent would stand aside while their kid was disparaged in anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. If it was a one time thing I might have just laughed and said, “Yeah, right.” but since it seems to be a recurring issue with him, I definitely would have reacted as you did and shame on your husband for not jumping in and saying, “Come on dad!” Then again, my husband tells me all the time I have no sense of humor and that I don’t know how to take a joke. I tell him his jokes aren’t funny and that I DO have a sense of humor, just not HIS sense of humor. Goes back to that whole perspectives thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Honestly, I would have been offended, but would also realize that he has a distinct problem which even though I don’t know him at all, I would say that he looks down on young women in general. I’m going off on a tangent, and maybe in the wrong direction, but it feels like he has little respect for what your daughter has accomplished and diminishes it. I am proud of you for speaking up. I’m sure it’s hard for your husband to navigate those types of conversations and allegations that his own father says about his granddaughter, but it’s not acceptable. It’s not a joke, nor was it meant to be (at least in my opinion). I guess it hit a nerve with me because I remember my own father saying similar things even though I had no help academically. I did it on my own, but he made fun of when I received any accolades and suggested snidely that it wasn’t on merit but on something else. But it was on merit and nothing else. Maybe it’s the generation? Either way, you handled it well and I’m sorry it happened.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He’s most definitely a misogynist, so yes, he’s always passive aggressive towards women…he’s one of those men that thinks machismo is cool, but the problem is, he’s not even that manly…

      Like

  9. If it had been an isolated comment, I think I would have taken it as a joke and let it slide. I might have even joined in a little. But given there is a pattern here of cutting remarks, it’s good you said something. One thing my ex did help teach me was presentation. There are always ways for us to make a point and keep someone engaged and not feeling bad or confronted. That is hard sometimes though when people seem to need a slap to the head 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You are nicer than I would be. My response would have been a very juvenile “you are an asshole” and then I would have walked away and not spoken to him again. Actually I probably wouldn’t have been there in the first place, I avoid toxic family. (I grew up in Baltimore. I remember my Dad calling his mother a shit head once when they were playing cards. I was like whoa, and Grandma says, it’s okay, it’s cards! So I have a tendency to be pretty blunt.)

    You be you and let the chips fall!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is obviously a pattern of behavior. I am afraid I would have come back with something snarky and sarcastic which he may not have understood but would have made me feel better. People should be called out on “jokes” that are not funny but just mean and cutting. While your daughter probably blew it off as just “Granddad being Granddad” it probably hurt also. My MIL used to say things about me or the kids until I stopped her in her tracks and she shut up, but we are not always lucky on that score. Never apologize for sticking up for yourself or your family, no one can tell you how to feel.

    Liked by 1 person

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