I don’t own an iPhone.

I use….a droid.

I know- What kind of loser am I?

When I am at a store famous for texting 20% off coupons, I have had clerks mock me because it takes me longer to pull up the coupon from my phone. They snicker because it’s slightly more difficult to scan the barcode. Once a clerk whispered to her co worker that I must really need that 20% off….

Here’s another secret….my Mother……she uses a flip phone.

Can you imagine?

My Mother is the recipient of all sorts of digs. People assume she’s stupid, or poor, because she hasn’t succumb to the smart phone generation. They don’t understand how she doesn’t want her apps and her email at the ready. Is she a Neanderthal? A luddite? Even I have thrown the occasional dig at her because I want to be able to text her pictures forward her articles, tickets and such and I am unable to do that. I have accused her of being stuck in another era…

When my daughter first got a phone, there was no such animal as a smartphone. It was easy back in the day to get your kid a phone, because you went to the store and bought the cheapest one they had. Then- smart phone. A whole new way to make kids feel bad about themselves, and compare themselves to others.

What does a kid without an iphone do now? How do they feel on a daily basis? One of my daughter’s best friends did not have a smart phone while he was in middle school. He just didn’t care that he got taunted every day. But then he got to High School, and even he bought into the smart phone culture. By the end of September Freshman year, he was the proud owner of an iPhone.

So what is your stand on smart phones?

Do you or anyone you know not own a cell phone? About fifteen years ago, my Husband did not have a cell phone. His boss actually stated that he needed to get one so he could be reached throughout the day…remember, my Husband is a CFO/accountant type…it’s not like he’s saving lives…

Do you own a smartphone?

iPhone?

Droid?

Do you feel inferior if you don’t have the latest and greatest cellular device?

Have you ever inadvertently made someone else feel bad because they are behind the cellular times?

Smart phones are not cheap, nor are the plans. But do we live in a world that now almost demands the ownership of a cell phone? Some venues in NYC have switched to virtual tickets only. Some NYC subways are currently testing the use of scanning your cell phone in order to pay your subway fare. While I don’t “need” my cell on a daily basis, it sure helps…

Is the reliance on smart phones and their assorted technology elitist?

Are we making people pay for something that they shouldn’t “need” to get on with their lives?

I remember a time when there was a certain group of people prided themselves on the fact that they watched no TV, other than the McNeil/Lehrer news report on PBS, and occasionally something else on that same channel. Television was known as the boob tube, was apparently for the hoi polloi. Anyone with substance did not admit to watching TV. They had little sets tucked away in corners, and owners were secretly proud that they gathered dust.

Last week when I entered my apartment building, a delivery was being made. Someone in my building had bought what appeared to be an 80 inch screen. My 70’s era building is not known for its spacious interiors, and this particular TV was about to land in a studio apartment. I whispered conspiratorially to my doorman- “Is there a wall big enough to hold that thing?”

Television is having a moment.

As I find myself watching less TV, I find that others are watching more. Admittedly, there are so many options out there now. Not only do we have cable stations with 500+ channels, there are satellite providers and streaming services. And it seems as if literally anyone can produce a television show, and people will watch it.

Currently my home makes use of cable, Netflix, and Amazon Prime. Oddly, we get Prime more for the free shipping: the extra shows are just a bonus. I admit to using the free option on BritBox, and I know my daughter is going to make use of the Hulu free option in December, but as of now, I am refusing to add another pay option. I was sorely tested recently when I saw the ads for “The Morning Show” a new program starring Jennifer Anniston, Reese Witherspoon ad Steve Carrell that is going to make its debut on AppleTV. I really was intrigued by that show until I saw the reviews, and all I can say is “Whew- dodged a bullet there”.

So in a world where home viewing systems are often more elaborate than what is in theaters, and there are now myriad options to watch televised programming, has TV become elitist?

I have had friends say to me- “How could you not watch ‘Game of Thrones’ or ‘Breaking Bad’?” What do you mean you don’t get HBO? You don’t watch Blue Bloods- well what do you do on Friday nights?” “You must be the only person in America who doesn’t watch X”.

Have people become entirely engrossed in the television industry to the point they can’t imagine that someone DOESN’T watch certain shows?

Or pay for a variety of channels?

Or own a huge TV set?  I do freely admit to owning a large set- maybe 55 inches- but the sheer fact that I don’t know the size, or that I don’t have surround sound, or that I don’t have a set in my bedroom is enough to make people look at me aghast.

Let’s think about the cost. Though sets have come down in price, they’re still not cheap. Plus you have all the accessories. Cable or internet provider. Streaming service. Pay for individual stations.

How much money does it cost the average person to watch TV?

Can the average person afford to watch TV?

Are people who don’t watch particular shows mocked for not being with the times?

Has TV become the pastime of the elite instead of the opiate of the masses?

What do we really think about television?

I recently read a book titled “The Grammarians”. I’m about to discuss why this book has me thinking, so there are bound to be spoilers. Spoilers is probably not the optimum word as the book really has no plot, so I wouldn’t be spoiling much….

In a nutshell, the book is about two sisters who share a love for words and grammar. One sister ends up writing a grammar column for a major newspaper, while the other one is a teacher…until she isn’t. At one point, the teacher begins research basically stating that grammar is elitist.

You get where I’m going with this?

Is there a case to be made that proper grammar is elitest?

I realize grammar is “the rules” but in a world where rules seem to be “for someone else”, that the rules which we hold written etiquette are outdated?

For the moment let’s dispense with punctuation rules. We all know that we need a certain amount of punctuation to make sure intent is clear. Let’s eat Grandma is way different than Let’s eat, Grandma. So basic, clarifying punctuation is necessary.

Does it matter if your participles dangle?

You know I play by my own grammar rules. I’m sure there are people who will not read my blog because of that. I don’t really care: not in a snobbish way, but in a “I write for me” way. As one of my IRL friends states, “When I read your blog, I picture you. You write exactly as you sound when we’re having a conversation.” Honestly- that is my goal. I see blogging as a conversation tool- I feel the point is to communicate with one another. When I’m speaking to my someone, I want the ideas to matter, the meat of what I’m saying. I want to have fun with words, deliver them in a fresh and playful way. To be a slave to the rules of grammar would take away the fun…

But back to the main point.

If you read/listen to someone with poor grammar, do you make a snap judgement about what sort of person they are? Their education? Their socioeconomic status? Their intelligence?

Do you think I’m uneducated because I am not a grammarian? Poor? Slovenly?

Do you judge the grammar of all equally, or are you more harsh with some groups?

Are you a grammar snob?

When my daughter was in public school she was obviously taught to write. And in those beginning days, kids were told to just put something on the page. Spelling didn’t matter. Punctuation didn’t matter. Grammar wasn’t even a thought. The idea was to get them excited about writing their ideas down on the page. As she went through school, grammar was still secondary. Of course, she copiously studied the rules of grammar for standardized tests: but that was all about the score.

SAT.

ACT.

The mark of whether or not you get into college.

Recently, there was a thought that there should be a socio economic indicator to the standardized testing process, because those of a lower economic class generally do not do as well on these tests. Was this a thinly veiled way of saying that grammar is a tool of the upper middle classes?

Some schools have dispensed with standardized test requirements. The mark of intelligence does not lie in a number. I firmly believe this. But as the ELA part of the test is more difficult, largely due to the grammar component, are these colleges inadvertently saying that grammar doesn’t matter?

Does equality mean we all need to speak in the same vernacular?

Are the rules of grammar, as they stand now, archaic?

Discuss.

Yesterday I asked if this was a bag of candy or a bag of chocolate:

But to give you the reason, let’s step back in time:

Friday- I made a Target run, where I bought several household items and the above bag of Halloween treats. When I got home, I was too lazy to get the step stool out to put the treats on the shelf in the cabinet so I sort of tossed it up and hoped for the best.

Saturday morning- I enter the kitchen and see the above mentioned bag on the kitchen counter. The conversation is as follows, as the bag remained unopened.

Me: Did the bag of candy fall out of the cabinet when you opened it?

Husband: What?

Me: The bag of candy that’s on the counter. Did it fall out of the cabinet?

Husband: No

I scratch my head, wondering if I’m indeed having a senior moment and just didn’t put the candy away yesterday. I’m thinking back to if the bag was on the counter when I made dinner the night before. FYI- I have almost no counter space, so I’d really need to question my sanity if I didn’t remember.

I toss the bag on the dining room table.

Husband: Yeah. That fell out of cabinet when I opened it

Me: But I just asked you if candy bag fell out

Husband: it’s a bag of chocolate

Semantics argument ensues.

Husband: you’re the only one that calls that a bag of candy

Me: Challenge Accepted

And then you know the rest…..

Thank you to all who participated in my survey. Candy was the predominant answer, though my favorite answer was “dinner”.

If you saw the below, would you refer to it as a bag of candy, or bag of chocolate?

Very scientific poll being conducted!!

Many of the parents of my friends have hit the senior dating circuit of late, either do to death or divorce. In most instances, this means the children are grown and flown, and are not really a part of their parents everyday lives. You would think that this makes relationships easier- let’s face it- your adult children shouldn’t have anything to say about your new relationship- should they?

Yet

When I think to my friends and acquaintances, none of them are taking too keenly to their parents new “friends”. In fact, I’d say they are quite vocal about their displeasure.

One of my friends had parents who divorced after about forty years of marriage. The father began dating within a few months. (you know what they say- after 65 if you can drive at night and have your own teeth and are male, you’re a catch) The mother did not find a partner that quickly. The kids were totally annoyed with their father and refused to meet the new girlfriend. To be clear, this wasn’t someone he’d had a affair with- he met her after he’d moved out of the house. The kids didn’t like her because they chose to “side” with their mother, because they didn’t want to see her hurt. It didn’t help that the mother would call them up hysterical and tell them to never speak to their father again….

Many of the people I know have a problem with their parents mates for the most basic reason of all: money. This is especially true in the case of the widowed. They’re worried that their parents are going to leave the estate to their new partner, or spend it before it can be even left. Some kids have factored in their parents wealth into their own long term plans. If new partner A spends a hundred thousand redecorating the parents house, how much is left for me? While you can make a case that the child is trying to protect the parent from a gold digger, is it always the case? Should you be counting your parents chickens before they hatch?

I know of one scenario where the man must leave his house when his girlfriend”s son comes over. The son does not approve of the boyfriend and refuses to be in the same room as him, and this extends to more than just Sunday lunches: the man does not spend any holidays with his girlfriend because of the dynamic between son and boyfriend.

Of course, some kids simply do not wish to see their parent “replaced”. I understand this- your father had a certain chair at the table- you don’t want to see anyone else occupy it. Your mother made the apple pie at Thanksgiving- you don’t like the idea of someone else having that responsibility. But it is fair to your surviving parent?

We all grew up worrying about what our parents would think of our mates/partners/spouses. Sometimes we listened to their gut feelings that something just wasn’t right. But  the tables have turned. Do we, as  grown children, have the right to interfere with our adult parents and their choice of new mate? Does our opinion matter?

We’ve discussed asking parental permission to wed. But as Laura pointed out, how important is it to ask the children of your intended for permission to marry their parent?

Many have seen the commercial (I can only assume it’s for rings) where you see a serious faced man asking the question- May I marry her- and then the camera pans to a little boy, who shakes his head up and down.

But what if the kid were to shake their head side to side?

How important is it for a potential stepparent to get along with their stepkids?

How many relationships are ruined or complicated by the step dynamic?

If you’ve ever watched “This is Us”, you know that the adult Kevin character has issues with his stepdad, even though his Mother didn’t remarry till she was older, and my all accounts, the stepdad is a great guy and loves the Mom. I’m betting, that if he’d been asked, Kevin would have stood on the mountain top screaming “Hell No. You are not marrying my Mother.” But this is a TV show.

What happens in real life?

What if your kids don’t like the person you want to marry?

Do you still marry them?

I know that there are many cases of step parents and step kids having amazing relationships. On a Father’s Day episode of The Chew, chef Michael Symon’s stepson made a speech about him that was so endearing and explained the biology doesn’t matter part so beautifully that everyone was crying. Recently, a college football player legally changed his name to reflect that of his stepfather and showed his stepdad the new jersey with the new name printed on the back. Cue the tears.

But do we hear about these moments because they are rare?

If your kids don’t like the person you want to marry, do you do it anyway?

How important is it for you kids to like your intended spouse?

The tradition of men asking permission to marry someone’s daughter has been around for awhile. Originally, marriage was considered a contract between two families- makes my daughter’s wry comment about two goats and a bag of coin seem pretty accurate. The families were to become allies of sorts, and were basically business partners. More importantly, the woman was the one who would birth the heir- you had to keep the line going.

If you think about it, this was like a prenuptial agreement- you were sort of stating that you would take care of the young woman in exchange for her having a brood of children. Divorce wasn’t an issue- when you married, you married till death did you part- there was nothing in writing, but it was ironclad-

Man asks Father (or oldest male relative)

Father determines if this was a family worth being in business with- gives a Yea or Nay

Daughter doesn’t get a choice

Couple weds, produces children and lives ever after. Happily doesn’t matter in this scenario. It’s a done deal.

Let’s bring it to 2019: If you ask permission to marry someone, should there be a marriage contract?

Should the Father of the prospective bride say:

OK- I give you permission to marry my daughter, but let’s iron out the terms. You must be married at least five years before you consider divorce. If there are children you may not leave marriage until youngest child is age ten. Every year you must put money in an escrow account to provide for your wife and children if you decide to take a runner. I will hold onto your birth certificate and passport and you need to have a signed letter from an attorney stating the reason why you need them and there will be terms to borrowing them.

As Chelsea stated yesterday, maybe the parents give permission/blessing because they know they may need to pick up the pieces if the guy leaves their daughter with kids and a big mortgage. If they see a flight risk, a bit of immaturity, should they worry what situation their daughter may be left in? Should they be able to say- “I don’t trust you. If you want to marry my daughter you must leave a deposit?”

Earthwalking brought up another good point. He said “So I give my blessing. Marriage is a disaster. Does my daughter have the right to say – ‘Hey Dad- you screwed up. He sucked. Why did you let me marry him?'” Will there be blame to be had if a parent gives the thumbs up to a union which totally turns out to be two thumbs down? Would a contract that states “Do not be a jerk?” help?

My thoughts?

I think a man and a woman mutually decide to get married. Together they approach both sets of parents and speak their intentions. No one asks permission. Hopefully everyone is overjoyed at the union. If there are doubts, you speak to your own child first, and if need be, you talk to the potential spouse.

We all hope our children have wonderful marriages, but the odds are not in our favor. Asking permission/blessing is nice, but really, in a world with divorce rates hovering around 50%, does a blessing matter? Asking for someone’s hand doesn’t guarantee success. We should make sure our kids understand how to treat one another every day, that respect not be doled out sporadically only when something is needed. Don’t ask my permission: treat my daughter with respect every single day. Every. Single. Day.