I spoke of my friend yesterday, and how she doesn’t love the relationship that her daughter is in. The update is, the boyfriend broke up with the girlfriend on Monday (coincidently right after his graduation weekend)

You would think my friend would be relieved, which she is, sort of. Of course her first thought was – “I wish I knew why he broke up with her.” (of course my first nasty thought was – maybe his Mother didn’t like her- I know- I’m bad)

So here’s the question for today:

Do we really want to know why someone ended a relationship?

There are millions of reasons why two people break up. My sister once ended a relationship because she didn’t like the way he brushed his tongue. Some are tangible, logical reasons: they drink too much, they live too far away, they don’t treat me well. We can put a name to these: there is one specific thing that makes the relationship not good. But what about when there is no “big” reason?

Ok- the boyfriend broke up with the girlfriend. What if the reason is seemingly silly, like the tongue brushing thing. Do you need to know that a guy thinks you have some little quirk that is harmless but a problem for them? What if a woman thinks you have a hobby that is silly? What’s the point of knowing? Are you going to change?

See- that’s my thought: Is knowing why someone broke up with you beneficial? Are you going to stop the behavior they don’t like, or start doing something that they do like? Or in general- will it be a catalyst to some sort of change? Will it make you think about yourself more clearly? Or will it make you feel bad about who you are?

In theory, I guess there’s something to closure. I broke up with you because of A, B, C, F and G. Thank you next. But how much time are you going to spend dissecting the reasons? Are you going to question why you behave that way? Are you going to overanalyze your characteristics to the point you question everything you do? Are you going to beg the other person to come back because you vow to change?

Do you need to change because someone doesn’t want to continue dating you?

We also have my favorite answer to why I’m breaking up with you:

It’s not you, it’s me.

Is there a worse line in the history of stories we tell one another?

What does that even mean? It’s not you, it’s me. Why would you ever say that to anyone? Is that an actual reason to stop dating someone? I’d rather someone not tell me a reason than to say that tired, tired, lame excuse. Don’t insult my intelligence.

Of course, there is one step lower than INYIM: ghosting. When did it become acceptable behavior to just stop communicating with someone? And I don’t mean after one date- I mean people that have been in a relationship and then just cease communication. Did people start ghosting to get out of explaining why they no longer want to date someone? Did the relationship post mortem expectation become so intense that people feel it’s easier and better to just walk away?

I know I threw a lot at you today. But what are your post break up expectations?

 

 

50 thoughts on “The Relationship Post Mortem”

  1. George Costanza…didn’t he invent the *it’s not you it’s me* thing? Lol

    I live under a rock (or inside my fantasy world) so I have no idea about any of this. Fun to read though about what gets people all up in everyone else’s business. 🙂

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    1. Honesty is the goal, but what if the answer is I don’t love you anymore, or I never loved you? How much deeper do you want to delve? I tend to overthink everything, and I think an answer like that would send me into a tailspin….I’m just not sure how much detail is needed.

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      1. Yeah maybe complete honesty can be cruel but a compromise between absolute honesty and ghosting might be kinder. My first ever boyfriend dumped me because I was too young and I wasn’t allowed out past 8pm but he had the decency to tell me face to face. Although I was heartbroken, I appreciated his honesty. And I got over it in the end!!

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      2. That’s a solid, tangible reason though, which would hurt to hear, but at least is logical. I think sometimes its a series of small things like they don’t make their bed and they sleep,late and they wear too much plaid. It might be honest, but is it beneficial? I’m not sure anymore . But you’ve given me great ways to think about it!!

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  3. Sometimes the reasons are self-evident such as cheating, but I agree it is human nature to want to know why but unfortunately if we do find out we use it to beat ourselves up. “Maybe if I did xyz then we would still be together” Let’s face it not every relationship works. I for one have experienced break-ups that I was thankful for later as I looked back and realized that lots of things didn’t work. If there was something the other person didn’t like and couldn’t move past then that is their problem. We all have our little quirks and you fall in love with that person not in spite of them but because of them. We are a sum of our parts.

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    1. That’s exactly my point- if we find out something are we going to beat ourselves up about it? Just because someone doesn’t like a trait you have doesn’t mean that trait is bad. It just means the two if you are not compatible. I think we’ve begun to overthink relationship endings, instead of concentrating on making ourselves individually happy

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      1. I feel as if people tie their self-esteem to what others think and will hold on tight to a relationship even if it isn’t good because they can’t be alone. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. This doesn’t mean you can’t go in for self improvement but it should be because you want to not because someone else is expecting it or requires it.

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      2. Exactly!!! We rely too much on the opinions of others and not enough on what makes us happy or fulfilled. I see so many people go on and on about a break up, and while everyone heals and grieves differently, when is it just too much?

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  4. Wow, 36+ years since any break up in my life (not counting my divorce mind you) so it’s difficult to even remember who or what or why.
    I would say that if you had any respect at all for the person you had been involved with then just disappearing is really rather immature and cowardly. That goes either way of course.
    Maybe it’s a respect thing all around. Don’t we owe someone an explanation, an honest explanation, of why we no longer want them in our life. You can call it closure, but I think it’s deeper than that. You had some connection with this person for x amount of time. Is there not some obligation to be civil and forthright in the way you end your time with them?

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    1. I get that point, that there should be an explanation. But how much is needed? At what point is it respectful, and at what point is it ridiculous? Should “I just don’t live you anymore” be sufficient? Or should it be a laundry list- you don’t put your socks in the hamper, you snore, you don’t like Indian food, you don’t send me loving texts during the day. I’m not sure what the line is

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  5. First of all I can’t even believe this women wanted to know WHY they broke up. Seriously? Sheesh. She’s crazy! On a personal level when I broke up with someone I told them exactly why. (Example, political differences just too extreme, not enough in common, too self centered or I’m just not that into you. Whatever) . People should know why. I learned if you aren’t clear enough they keep trying to get back with you. However, On the reverse side, years ago a guy I dated briefly stopped calling. I was a single mom and my young son missed seeing him and asked me what happened to so and so. I had to tell him I didn’t know. So I called the guy and asked why he was mia. ( we only dated a couple months but every time he’d take me out or visit, he would always bring something for my son). The guy said his ex wife came back and they were giving it another try. I said that’s fine, but told him that next time he dates a single mom to have the courtesy to call and tell her you are back with your ex because the child, not the woman, feels rejected. After that I never let my son meet anyone I dated . Not until I was really serious. As it turned out, the next time my son met someone I dated I married the guy.. But ironically, that Mia guy called about 6 months later wanting to go out again. I told him to shove it. He hurt my kid and that was never going to happen again.
    But as a parent, It’s not my business why my kids’ relationships break up. Unless they come talk to me, I don’t interfere.

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    1. Well, I used that as an Example,but it’s more the way people go over relationship endings now. My daughter told me one of the people she follows on social media sent her exes a questionnaire about why they broke up with her. Now it was a little tongue in cheek , but I just don’t know how much diagnosis is necessary. If you’re dating someone for a few months, what do you really need to know? People tend to think something is wrong with them as opposed to it just didn’t work out. I’m not sure if we need an exit interview for a relationship, or if it’s actually beneficial

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      1. Yeah, I think it depends on the person. In high school I broke up with a guy right before I went off to college. He started stalking me. One night while I was still in my paren’s home he knocked on my bedroom window. Except it was my parents ‘ window my dad went outside with a baseball bat not knowing who it was, and chased him down the street. Lol THEN, he actually followed me to college. I had to call campus police. It was pretty creepy. So I tried after that to be clear. Because sometimes people really cray cray. 😳

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  7. If I broke up with someone because of his tongue brushing technique, I’d probably lie and say INYIM…just easier than getting into the personal hygiene convo..haha

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  8. I’ve always been the one needing the answers, but that is just me (see what I did there?). For me and the way I am, it would most likely lead down a long road of self-reflection and self-doubt and maybe not in healthy ways, but we don’t always do the best or the most healthy. At the same time, you can’t always accurately pinpoint a why to these things. Sometimes you just grow up and move on and that can be hard to articulate in a way that makes sense to another person.

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    1. That’s more my feeling. First off, too much reflection is ultimately self destructive, and yeah…sometimes you can’t articulate a reason, you just know it’s not right

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  9. Fortunately I’ve only had two breakups. One was done to me after 6 months of marriage and the other I did after about a year of dating. The second one was obvious. The first, I had no idea. He said I was too good for him. He was right.

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    1. So he used the it’s not you it’s me……😉 it’s funny because I think there’s a lot of communication break down no matter how good a relationship two people have. I have a friend and she was on a completely different page than her partner, and he had no idea she felt that way till they had a heart to heart. He thought everything was rosy. So who knows

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  10. Interesting questions! I wanted to wait a couple hours to answer somas to have some time to reflect and to see if I could add to the discussion.

    I truly believe there is no “good” answer to the question of why you’re breaking up with someone. Or even why they broke up with you.

    I believe the best policy is honesty, but that rarely goes over well, anyway.

    I also think it depends on the length of the relationship. No explanations are needed during the “probation/trial” period, lol, but always appreciated, of course. The longer, more intimate a relationship is, the deeper the answer should be, if only to honor the relationship itself, imho. Again, not always achieved.

    And in the case of children, if things have gotten so committed and stable that children have become part of the picture, ghosting is no longer an option.

    Love this discussion!

    ~JM

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    1. When my friend was talking to me on Monday I got to thinking. I know the theory is to figure out how come, why, show your work, but I don’t t know if it’s always the best way to learn/ho

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  11. As difficult as the subject is (a breakup/breakdown in a relationship), you still made me smile as I read this post. I like knowing why a relationship didn’t work. Don’t we learn from each other, from other relationships and how they work, or don’t? And if someone breaks up with me (thinking of my past lives here) YES, I want to know what exactly happened. Not because I’d want to change it, but understand it.

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    1. I think if the feedback is constructive is good, but I think people get too down on themselves. If someone says they don’t love you anymore, or they never loved you, how much better will that make you feel? I can’t figure out the line of how much info is enough, or when it becomes too much

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    1. Exactly! My friend is having issues with his wife, and I reminded him that no one person is at fault…in a partnership, both have issues…two to tango and all….

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  13. I’ve been through many a breakup (but a long while back) and still don’t have a good answer to this. I’ve received and given various reasons for ending a relationship, though some ended abruptly for reasons I never knew. In those cases, I figured I’d dodged a bullet – who wants to end up with someone with that sort of personality? I think keeping it simple, but not trite or too specific, is probably best. No big postmortem analysis, but maybe one thing that was a deal-breaker.

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  15. My expectations vary depending on the relationship. There were those I left and never looked back at. There were a very very few that I maintained contact with for various reasons. Then there was the one that still holds a large chunk of my heart in his hands, but I cannot look back–for his sake, and for my sake.
    You hit me with some heavy sh!t this morning before I head to work. Good thing I work in a refrigerator and don’t deal with the public😘

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    1. Can you imagine? I don’t know what people are thinking. Though I remember reading that the number of women just dropping out of marriages was increasing…

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  17. I have only had three relationships and I’ve been the one to break up with them. A person can not change another person. They have to change for themselves. Even if they knew the reasons why for the break up, they may be so wounded that they still won’t want to change. Some people just don’t compliment each other. If they make the best partners in the world, there might still be some obstacle in their way preventing them to stay together. What can we do when we fear what the future has in store for us?

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    1. You’re right…no one is going to change in the way you wan5 them to change. Love is finding the person who loves your faults, and whose faults you love. It’s saying that you’re ok with them exactly as they are. We were out with a couple last night who clearly hav3 an amazing marriage. There secret is communication, understanding and letting the small things go. I wrote a blog a while back called love is easy and marriage is hard….because anyone can love, but a relationship takes work

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  18. I agree communication and understanding are very important in a relationship. Getting mad is ok as long as you sit down and communicate your concerns and resolve them maturely. There is no reason to stay angry for a long period of time.

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