I had a busy day yesterday and when I got to read the comments I noticed that many of them were of a similar thread. So instead of answering everyone individually I am writing a post addressing some of the comments. If I missed your comment/query, don’t worry- there’s always tomorrow…

  1. My worry about empty nesting is not about being bored. I have lots of hobbies that I love. I have absolutely no problem exploring a new interest. I don’t think I’ve said the words “I’m bored” since I was 17.  I’m not worried about the seemingly free hours ahead of me.
  2. Though I love to travel, finances are a consideration. College costs a lot of money.
  3. My Husband and I have been doing “dates” for years. We go out at least one evening a week and usually spend at least one day/afternoon together on the weekends.
  4. Husband and I do theme things: he loves food and I love exploring different neighborhoods, so we meld this together. Over the winter we did our own ramen tour. We found a list (Thrillist) of the best ramen places in NYC and we tried a whole bunch of them (not all on the same day- we did one a week). We would find a theater or exhibit or something fun in the neighborhood of the ramen shop, and make a day of it. Previously we’ve done sandwiches, hand pulled noodles and pizza.
  5. We get along really well. We are not the couple at the restaurant who just stare at one another. We talk. In fact we talk a lot. We laugh. We have fun. But is that enough?

My concerns:

  1. I am a very different person than the one I was 18 years ago. I no longer like hanging out in bars. For the record, if there is trivia, or arcade games, live music or tastings involved, I am right there. I do not like to sit at a generic bar and drink. My husband has friends that love to do this. I mean, this is their idea of a fun night out. To be clear, I am bored after five minutes.
  2. I have become a day person. I like to get out of the house- but I greatly prefer being home at night. Again, my husband is sort of the opposite.
  3. We do not have many couple friends- I have friends and he has friends, but our groups don’t overlap. How do you make couple friends?
  4. We’ve known each other for 25 years- how much more is there to talk about?
  5. My daughter is not a buffer, yet she is. It’s just the way life is set up. She’s at the dinner table with us. She’s on vacation with us. She asks for help with things. It’s having a kid and being a parent. We’re a family- a unit. When one leaves the dynamic shifts.

So…

What’s the secret to long term relationships? What makes some couples work and some implode?

And you know I’m going to overthink and analyze this, so….

35 thoughts on “I am the Most Boring Person Ever”

  1. I know what I would miss. I don’t know if it will happen or not. I will expand on this maybe later, at some point…elsewhere. 🙂

    You will be fine. And you will have a lot of contact with your daughter, is my guess, albeit differently than you do now. This is the general gist I get by reading other blogs of people whose kids move out and then continue to have constant contact with their parents for a variety of reasons. AND, you might take some trips out to see her too!

    Like you said, the dynamic will shift. I look forward to hearing/reading about it. 🙂

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  3. I can’t really answer your final question from personal experience . I think it’s luck and hard work that keeps a couple together. If I look at my parents, my friends, and siblings each have different stories.
    In most successful cases one spouse works a little harder than the other to make things work. But, both people really have to want it. I have one sibling who almost broke up when both of their children left the nest. But, they worked it out with couples therapy. My other sibling gets frustrated but it’s never been a consideration. They are way too committed, end of story.
    Sadly, many of my friends had husbands who decided they wanted to do a trade in for a younger model and finally felt without kids at home they could be free of responsibility.. I’ve had galpals who also thought about leaving. Some stuck it out and are glad they did, others did not. Everyone has a different approach and a different story. There’s no right or wrong answer here. I think the key is personal happiness and fulfillment. If you find that you’ll be happy whether you are together or alone. Neither you or your husband are the same people you used to be. Hopefully, you still have enough in common to make things work. Those people who made it work say once they got into their 60’s they are glad they stayed. By then it’s more about companionship than looking for excitement. That’s my two cents. In the end I think it’s a crap shoot.

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      1. I think it does for some people. But, others are really happy. I have friends who were happy but discovered their husbands weren’t. I have a dear friend whose husband got bored. Divorced her and then got his secretary pregnant. Now he’s an old man who can’t retire because he has another family he has to support and he’s miserable again. It kind of reminds me of that movie With Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. Some people just always think the grass is always greener elsewhere. In my case my ex and I just had nothing in common any more.

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  4. Honest concerns for sure, and the dynamic will need an adjustment period. I would caution that patience will be an asset while everything gets tried, rearranged, evaluated and shuffled. Overthinking what may, or may not happen could be the biggest detriment, but as one who would do the same thing I know it’s impossible to let that go.
    I mean that I believe that it’s possible to create issues that may not be issues to begin with. It wasn’t that way in my case, the issues were there long before the last child moved out, but the constant looking for or need to analyze what may or may not be good or right or working in a relationship has the possibility to backfire in negative ways as well.

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      1. I know that you are aware, and thoughtful about this personality trait. That’s a positive aspect as you ‘cautiously” proceed into this next phase 🙂

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  5. Friends for 25 years! Wow. We have different friends for sure and I believe I wrote about this. Evolving from the past is important. I think to keep growing and working on yourself while not making one person a priority over yourself is a necessity. I have never been a sports person or a certain type of music and I know his friend from the military provides this outlet for him like I have my friend and I can easily share teaching stories and working overseas because she has been there.

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  7. I have the most awkwardness with his family who he insists on taking care of until all his last child leaves the home (he is 18 now) and he has a 22 year old adult son back living with him and an ex-wife. She is a recovering addict and for the sake of appearances to his son he insists on letting her back in and then eventually she leaves…it is a strange situation which I try to stay out of.

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  8. I have no idea how to make couple friends. We are the same way, although I’m much more the “having friends” type and she is more “I’m fine with work acquaintances” type. I’ve never figured out how to merge the friends thing so I occasionally go out with friends alone while she stays home. I’m also much more of a “go out and so stuff” person than her. It’s a tricky balance now that we are empty nesters.

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    1. Exactly! How do you coexist when you have slightly different personality types? It doesn’t mean you don’t get along…it’s just merging styles so everyone is satisfied with the way things are

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  9. I really believe that communication is the key to keeping a marriage going. My husband and I have very different interests and while I would prefer being in my studio working on crafts or reading or coloring, he doesn’t have those interests. He is frustrated that because of a back injury he is no longer able to do the things he loves like bowling and playing softball. He does still play golf but that gets expensive and the weather is a factor there. It is definitely a dance to make a marriage work for the long haul and possibly convenience is a reason that some couples stay together. I know I wouldn’t start all over again at this point. But as I said, communication is so important and if something feels like it’s a little off to me I make sure to start the conversation before it gets too far.

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  10. Hmm, I wasn’t going to chime in, but what the heck! We’ve been married for more than 50 years and our kids left home long ago. At that time my job kept me extremely busy and so mostly I was just excited for my kids, excited for them to be starting their own independent lives. I could remember how excited I was for myself when I went away to school to start my own independent life.

    There is no doubt that it’s a milestone in a marriage when the nest empties and you’re back to living as a couple again for the first time in a very long time. That’s when you find out if the loving, compatible, mutually respectful couple that worked well together before child-rearing is still there. If two people chose well and have a little patience as a new phase of life slowly comes into being, the couple will find this phase of life very rewarding. You are each other’s best friends, the only ones who share so much history. You don’t need to spend all your time together; it should be comforting just to know that the other person is always there for you. Give yourself time and add a sprinkle of patience! And make yourself a new bucket list!!

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  12. Think of it as dating someone new. I mean as in, when you first meet someone you have to go through the awkward getting to know you stage. You’ll do that again, I think. I hope my kids get married and have some grandkids soon so my house is never empty, lol!

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  13. Seeing as yesterday my husband and I celebrated 38 years of wedded bliss, I can tell you that our secret is not spending all our waking moments together. A young college student asked him that question and he said the same thing. We go out together, take little day trips together and even watch one or two tv shows together, we always sit down at the table to eat. We go out with our own friends or do our own thing by ourselves.

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