Dear Abby,

I am about to embark on empty nesthood and I realize there is nothing I want to learn or do or anything of the sort?

Am I the most boring person in the world?

Yours truly,

Dazed and Confused

When I talked about book clubs yesterday, many suggested that I should do something that I’ve always wanted to do but was unable to do because of parenthood, or what ever.

Here’s the thing: there is literally nothing I put off doing because I was a parent. There is not one thing that I have the absolute desire to do.

Part of it is because I was 37 when I had my daughter. I had a lot of years to take classes and lessons and do things. If I had an interest, I explored it. Scuba. Check. Mountain biking. Check. Skiing. check (and trust me- I hate skiing- I didn’t get on ski’s the past 17 years because I really don’t like it)

And as my daughter got older, I started adding things to my roster. I took some writing classes. I volunteered at my daughter’s school for YEARS. I held positions and raised funds did whatever her various schools needed. NYC has some tough restrictions for kids volunteering (and adults for that matter) so I chopped vegetables along side her for years at a soup kitchen. We all know I’m a culture vixen and I go to exhibits and plays and concerts all the time. I love to cook, and I probably try five new recipes a week. I’ve been taking photos every day. I took an embroidery class and I’ve been playing with that. I bought some canvases and paint and I’ve been dabbling with those things. I’ve always wanted to write, and though it’s taking awhile, I am working on my novel, and that will definitely take up even more of my time once she’s gone. I already do the things I’m passionate about.

I don’t want to learn how to dance. I mean seriously- whenever I hear someone say that they wished their partner wanted to go dancing, or just mentions a club I break out into hives. There is really nothing I hate more than shuffling my feet to the beat of music. If I ever needed to write a dating profile it would definitely say “Dancers need not apply”

I’m OK with my very bare knowledge of French and Italian. It gets me through a restaurant menu. Rosetta Stone is not in my future.

If I have an interest in a subject I pick up a book or go to a lecture or go to a class. I have always done these things. Even having a child if I wanted to learn something I just did it.

So- either I just tackle things that interest me…or I am the most boring person in the world, because there is just nothing I “can’t wait to do.”

I already feel pretty satisfied with my actual. personal life…I am personally fulfilled. I am not really worried about filling up hours in my planner.

My worry is how do I learn to live with just my Husband. We haven’t been alone in 17 years. What comes next with that?

 

50 thoughts on “Am I the Most Boring Person”

  2. It seems to me that it doesn’t matter if you think you’re boring or not. What matters is are you happy with who you are? As for getting along with your husband as a couple again, no advice here other than to say the obvious– accept who you are now, don’t get hung up on being who you were then.

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  5. I feel the same way! Maybe I do miss a good tango though because I used to love to dance but my husband doesn’t. Dancers need to apply with me. Maybe some travel is in your future or a fun part time job.

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  6. There’s always travel, remodeling and redecorating, cooking, running marathons in every state and continent. 😀 Or maybe trying out new sex positions??? LOL! Don’t worry, something will fill in the space and time. I look forward to reading without feeling rushed!

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  8. Empty nest and husbands…LA I will repeat my comment from yesterday and wish you all the best as you move forward, however I have no business saying much on this subject given how being an empty nester was the thing that finally spurred me toward divorce.
    So, if you are personally fulfilled, how about finding a non-profit that needs help or a volunteer position in the community that speaks to something you feel needs doing or changing…

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  9. I would definitely not call you boring! I think it’s great that you have done all those things. I can’t think of any burning desire I have either, besides traveling, that is something my husband and I would love to do more of!

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  10. Empty nest syndrome is a tough time, especially for women. I actually went to see a therapist to discuss how I felt. She told me I was not alone in feeling “empty.” In my case it happened right after my father died, my oldest son got married, and my youngest son went off to college. My marriage didn’t survive. So, my suggestion is to discuss things with a professional and talk to your hubby. See what you and your hubby might want to try doing together as well as creating new goals for yourself. Or just learn to rediscover who you are. Its like a little death. A mourning process. And It’s a real challenge. But it is ReAL. Even my son’s cat cried for an entire semester and wouldn’t leave his room. I had to bring her food into into my son’s bedroom because she just laid on his bed and moaned all day. It was so sad. You will survive this. But it feels like the roll of motherhood was suddenly ripped away from you. Especially if you raised an independent child.
    I promise you’ll get thru it. But I’d be lying if I said it’s easy. Good luck. ❤️

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      1. Did the cat recover? Yes, she’d be fine when he’d come home on vacation but do the same thing every time he’d leave and go back to college. She’d sleep all day on his bed and snuggle up against his pillow. When he graduated he got his own place and she moved in with him. I have never seen a cat so in love with a human. He found her when she was a kitten. Someone had thrown her in a garbage can outside of a Macdonalds! He heard her crying and brought her home. That sweet kitty lived to almost 20 and just passed away two years ago. Then it was my son who was heartbroken. Recently, while working on set in Atlanta (He’s an assistant director in the film industry) he found another kitten in the bushes while they were doing an out door shoot on a TV show. He took the kitten to the vets on the way home and now he has a new kitty who follows him around like a lovesick puppy. I swear he’s the cat whisperer.

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  12. One of the things Hubby and I decided early on was that we had time that was ours, without the kids, so that there wasn’t much change once the kids were grown and out of the house. From the things you’ve said in the past, you already have something like this, so why does it need to change really? The only real difference is going to be that you don’t have your child physically around regularly. Unless she has acted like some sort of buffer or wall, the only thing you are really going to get or see change is the noise level in your house, and that might not even be that much. You already have an active life outside of your kid. You will still have that life once she is no longer living with you. You just don’t have to coordinate your schedule around hers.

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  14. How is the job market near you? Is there anything you would enjoy pursuing? Perhaps editing work? I always thought I would really enjoy this but was never able to find anything when I was there in my 20’s.

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  15. If you write books and pursue publication, that can become a full-time job! As for more alone time after your daughter goes away to school, remember that life will be different for your husband as well. Hopefully you’ll keep an open communication about these changes so that you both feel like you have someone who understands:)

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  16. I had all my kids in my 20’s, but I also feel that beyond doing some more traveling, I’ve also tried most of the stuff I’m interested in.

    I figure I have a year left before I totally have an empty nest. I figure it is time to reconnect with my husband. Lately my husband has been asking me to go to the store or meetings with him. I have been saying no because it seems boring. Maybe I just want to be a homebody for the first time in my adult life. I was a sports mom. I run my youngest kid around to school, work, and practice. She will have her license soon. But maybe I only want to do what I want to do. Right now just staying home and curling up with a good book sounds awfully nice. Maybe it is okay not to do a lot and live a quieter life off the grid.

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  18. I too dislike skiing!!! My family tried to get me out there. I tried and I basically failed. They stopped asking me to go.

    We are empty nesters (most of the time) for 2 years. Husband keeps busy and out of my hair most of the time. I like it that way. We still have more traveling to do. And enjoy occasional nights out with friends. It’s nice to not have too much to worry about.

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  20. I am a little confused about what you are worried about. You have a fulfilling life that you enjoy. You go out and do things. The big change will be not having to worry about adjusting your schedule to your daughter’s anymore. I wonder if you are really going to have all these gaping holes of time in your life that you think you will? No matter what, you are going to miss your daughter when she leaves. Doing more stuff isn’t going to change that. be happy with your life, doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

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  22. You are lucky that you got to do everything you wanted to do while parenting. I gave up a lot of afternoons at my son’s tennis matches, and regret it. I could have used that time to do something for me, and perhaps I wouldn’t have had such a hard time adjusting to his absence. Trying to figure out the empty nest thing before it happens is like trying to figure out parenting before you have a child. You just have to go through it, and figure it out as you go along.

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    1. Ahh…if my daughter farted I was there watching. I didn’t miss a game, debate, award, or anything except a few away tennis matches cause they were too hard to ge5 to. It’s more that I have very few wants and desires. I really wanted to be at all my kids stuff. But as stated, I’m a pretty boring person. It doesn’t take much to make me happy

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      1. I didn’t play golf for about 15 years, and I really regret it. My parents were never at any of my matches, and to be honest, I think it puts more pressure on the kids. I regret not doing more for myself and being so obsessed with my son’s team. Maybe something will surface once your daughter is away.

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  24. I worried myself silly that my husband and I wouldn’t have anything to talk about once the kids were gone. We’ve done just fine, but mostly because he’s hilarious and I’m always entertained.

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  25. What comes next isn’t the question. What comes NOW is the question, because according to Wittgenstein (or at least my understanding of his Tractatus), all we have is now.

    No, you are not boring. You are just having an empty nest existential crisis and you will overthink it to death (😉) and that’s okay. I’m here to listen while you overthink it😙

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