A few weeks ago I was at dinner with friends. The conversation went something like this:

A: Company did something.  It was bad and wrong to do it.  Can you believe it?

Me:  Well, I think what they did was wrong, but I understand why they did it

A: How can you understand what they did? It was completely horrible.

Me: There’s a lot of ways you can look at this…

A: No there’s not

And it was an elementary school way of having a discussion, and it ended with an elementary school tactic, when person A called me a name.

Yes.  I was called a name.

And I was taken aback, because this was a highly educated person, very successful etc.

And A resorted to name calling when I made a point that A couldn’t rebut.

Now I just stared at A, open mouthed, because frankly I haven’t been called a name in a lot of years.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was called a name. So I stared at A and finally closed my mouth.  For a minute I thought about standing up, throwing my napkin down and storming out, telling A to go &^$% themselves.  But I didn’t. I took a deep breath and said

“Sorry you feel that way.”

And I turned to the person on my right and started a different conversation.

So here’s the question: how do we remain rational in times when people are not always rational and logical about their opinions? (for the record, this was not a political discussion per se, though some could say it is, and that is why I’m not stating what the discussion was about)

Are we allowed to have opinions and share them with people? Of course, we should be.  No one deserves to be attacked for having an opinion.  No one deserves to be called names. Yet, I found myself in this situation. And I didn’t know what to do.  If it happened again, I still don’t know what the right course of action.

Do you defend your opinion?

Do you skirt the issue?

Do you yell back?

Do you walk away?

I defended my opinion to a point, but then when the name calling began I backed off.  My feeling was A was being irrational and unable to have a conversation.

But I’m still annoyed.

So I journaled, now I blogged, and as Mick says, maybe I should write a story with a not so great end for the person. But will this be enough?  or will I continue to replay the conversation in my head?

I need to learn to let go when people take up residence in my head.  But I can’t figure out the steps.

One of my goals this year is to learn to let it go.  I tend to react negatively to people who are annoying.  I don’t think it’s great to hold onto anger, and I’m going to do my best to break this bad habit. The problem is: how do you do this?

This week I’m going to talk about some people in my life, how I felt about the situation, and how I handled it. I’m also going to try to figure out what I could do better in the future.

A few weeks ago my Husband went to a friends house to watch the college play offs.

Fine.

My Husband invited me, but honestly, sitting through one college football game which I have no alliance to is hard enough: two would be miserable. So I respectfully declined.  You know by now that I am not one of those people that is always with their spouse. I am a big believer in being an individual as well as a partner, so I am perfectly happy with my Husband having friends and doing things without me.  I know there are things that I like to do alone, or with friends.  I do not being my Husband to things that I know he will not enjoy (foreign movies, wine nights with the girls, etc…)

We have been happy with this arrangement for a long time.

Now there’s some Greek tragedy here, because behind the scenes, my Husband’s friend was goading my husband: Why doesn’t LA come to the football parties? (party being a stretch for a bunch of guys sitting in a living room eating pizza) Why doesn’t she come and hang out at the bar when we’re at a bar? (Again- I do not like sitting in bars unless there’s trivia, or arcade games, or something else to do besides drinking)

So my Husband started pushing me to go to the football thing.

I was not amused.

He kept questioning my Husband about my choice of activities.  Why did I like to go to museums? Why do I like to attend live performances? Why don’t I like to do other things?

My question: why does it matter what I like?

Why does this random guy care what I like?

Why is he giving my Husband grief about how we choose to live our lives?

Why was my Husband teetering towards peer pressure?

I got a little pissy with my husband.  Why was he more worried about what this guy thinks than what I think? Was this really something to fight about?

I calmly (seriously- I was calm) explained to my husband that if it was really important to HIM that I go to the “party” I would go.  But if it was in reaction to the comments of this “friend”, I was not going to go. I actually had a laundry list of things that I needed to get done that day (I had to proof my Daughter’s million college applications that needed to be submitted) and I did not want to be up all night.

My Husband agreed with me.

Now I admit, I think by remaining calm I kept the situation contained.  My Husband really thought about his motivation.

But you see, in the back of my mind, I’m still annoyed.  I’m annoyed that my Husband was trying to get me to do something because someone thought he was “less” of a man. I’m annoyed that this guy has the audacity to question why I do or don’t do things. I feel like he’s mocking my tastes and preferences.  I don’t know what I am going to do the next time I see him.  Honestly, I would prefer not seeing him.  I don’t need to be criticized for what I like and what I don’t like.

How do I get rid of this anger and annoyance? I’ve journaled it out- which helped a little.  I’m hoping that writing this blog today will help me.  But how do I get past this negativity that is seeping from this guy? How do I get past my Husband almost not backing me up?

As always, a work in process…

A new year!!

1. Prosecco
2. A fresh new page a day calendar
3. My daughter is done with college applications!
4. I had a plethora of cheese after I tool my cholesterol test
5. They are opening a Target express and a Harman within eight blocks of my house

OK- who saw this post coming?

You know I’m all about lists and goals and planning, so it shouldn’t be a shock that I like to close things out and open things up.  Next week I will be back to blog blogs….

For my purposes, winter is January 2nd to March 17th.  I don’t care what the actual calendar says, or whether there is snow on the ground.  St. Patrick’s Day is when I say good bye to winter because I am SOOOO ready for spring.

1. City Bakery in NYC has hot chocolate month during February- they have a different flavor every day.  I plan on going five different days.
2. Drinks near a fireplace
3. Visit to a spa with pools and saunas
4. See as many Oscar nominated movies as possible (including all nominated for best picture)
5. 2 live performances (theater or music)
6. 2 museum shows
7. Grace and Frankie
8. Archery lessons (I took a lesson over the summer and loved it- a place just opened in the city.  Must go)
9. Take a knitting lesson (I found a convenient place- alas they are redoing their class structure so this wont be till February)
10. Paint something.  I was at a gallery with my daughter recently and I saw a painting that I loved but can’t afford.  My daughter said that she thinks I can totally do something in a similar style so I’m going to try

Let’s see how I did with my seasonal want to do list:

1. Holiday themed live show- Yes (Christmas in Hell)
2. Saw decorations on 5th and 6th avenues
3. I DID NOT get to the Met to see their tree this year…tsk tsk
4. Bake cookies- FAIL- did not bake!
5. Gingerbread- I did manage to eat gingerbread in a variety of forms (gingerbread F
6. Holiday themed movies– I set out to watch 5- ended up watching 3
7. Wrap gifts- yes I did!!!
8. See all my NY friends- I saw most of them…time…
9. Holday cards – 75 cards mailed!
10. Not get mad at family events: OK- who are we kidding?
11. Naughty and Nice list- well- you know which list I made…
12. Get off naughty list- again- who are we kidding?

OK- not a bad effort. I did manage to enjoy the holiday season, so there’s that…

I don’t make resolutions: I set goals.  Just using the term goals allows my mind to relax about what I want to accomplish.  It allows me to come up with an appropriate plan of action, and figure out the best way to get to where I want to be. I realize that I must break down some goals into smaller steps, because some of my intentions are not always clear

1. Be a better listener with my friends.  I talk too much.  I need to stop that.
2. I have a bad habit of rushing things.  I am going to be a little more mindful of my actions, and pay attention to the moment I’m in instead of the ones yet to come.  Why am I rushing?
3. Go to gym as soon as I get up.  I used to do this, but my Husband asked me to stop because I was disturbing him.  Well, here’s the thing: I haven’t felt right since I stopped working out early.  I am a morning person, and I feel better getting up and getting things done. In order to be the best partner I can, I have to be the best individual I can. Back to first thing in the AM workouts
4. I am an emotional eater.  I need to ask myself why I am eating before I put something in my mouth.  I won’t be able to lose weight till I come to terms with this
5. Be more creative- painting, knitting, something other than writing that lets me express my creativity
6. Take a picture a day
7. Increase my use of social media- I am going to expand to more platforms.  The first one is Instagram, which I actually started yesterday, but it’s a steep learning curve for me
8. Read 50 books
9. Eat more fruits and veggies
10. 3 days a week of weight training- I always do at least one, but three times would be optimal
11. Set times of day devoted to blogging
12. Make daily writing/editing goals
13. Flexibility
14. Prepare to be an empty nester
15. stop letting people’s comments get to me
16. Practice grey method (this is essentially learning to ignore negative people in a nice manner)